Matthew 1:1

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today I’ve chosen the first verse in the New Testament.

“This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah the son of David, the son of Abraham:” – Matthew 1:1

Why is this crazy? Well, it assumes there is a known genealogy of Jesus. It assumes a Jesus existed when there isn’t strong evidence that is the case. It assumes we have evidence the ancestors of Jesus, if he existed, existed. It assumes we have records, other than the Bible, that any of this ancestor list is true. You’d have to believe a donkey can talk in order to believe this genealogy presented in the Bible is correct.

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Isaiah – Chapter 35: Joy of the Redeemed

Today we continue in the book of Isaiah, taking a look at chapter 35. 

“Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way; say to those with fearful hearts, ‘Be strong, do not fear; your God will come, he will come with vengeance; with divine retribution he will come to save you.’” – Isaiah 35:3-4

This contradicts the many, many verses in the Bible in which one’s fear of God is REQUIRED in order to follow him.

“Then will the eyes of the blind be opened  and the ears of the deaf unstopped.” – Isaiah 35:5

Nope, didn’t happen. Not unless the individuals were not really blind or deaf.

“The burning sand will become a pool, the thirsty ground bubbling springs.” – Isaiah 35:7

Nope, not possible. Sand cannot turn into water.

“And a highway will be there; it will be called the Way of Holiness;” – Isaiah 35:8

LOL! A highway of holiness??? Bahahahahahahahaha!

What did we learn in this chapter? Not much. Just a bunch of verses on physically impossible things that did not happen. Or can only happen in a world in which you believe donkeys talk.

Coming Soon: Isaiah – Chapter 36: Sennacherib Threatens Jerusalem

Isaiah – Chapter 34: Judgment Against the Nations

Given the title of this chapter, it sure looks like a few nations are going to face some death and destruction.

“The Lord is angry with all nations; his wrath is on all their armies. He will totally destroy them, he will give them over to slaughter.” – Isaiah 34:2

Ah shit, God’s pissy! Some people are going to get their asses kicked to death!

“Their slain will be thrown out, their dead bodies will stink; the mountains will be soaked with their blood.” – Isaiah 34:3

Yep, the dead are dead and they are stinking up the land!

“All the stars in the sky will be dissolved” – Isaiah 34:4

God is so mad he’s destroying all of the stars!!! LOL!

“The sword of the Lord is bathed in blood,” – Isaiah 34:6

In case there was any debate that God is the one doing the killing, this verse clears it up.

The chapter ends with several more verses on how horrible God is going to make things for the people, but you get the point. God is a pissy asshole.

Coming Soon: Isaiah – Chapter 35: Joy of the Redeemed

Isaiah – Chapter 33: Distress and Help

Is Isaiah done yet? Unfortunately no. Sigh. There are still many, many chapters left!

“Lord, be gracious to us; we long for you.” – Isaiah 33:2

Call the people who believe this a glutton for punishment because in the previous chapter God was going to lay total destruction to the land if children weren’t convinced of Elijah’s teachings.

“He will be the sure foundation for your times, a rich store of salvation and wisdom and knowledge; the fear of the Lord is the key to this treasure.” – Isaiah 33:6

See the catch? You must fear God to get the treasure. This isn’t love. This is child abuse.

“You who are far away, hear what I have done; you who are near, acknowledge my power!” – Isaiah 33:13

Wow…how humble of God to brag about himself as he destroys land after land after land.

“For the Lord is our judge, the Lord is our lawgiver, the Lord is our king; it is he who will save us.” – Isaiah 33:22

The Lord is also your executioner. Hey, just being honest! 🙂

Another chapter in which God says he is great, but you can’t see this greatness and you won’t receive his love unless you fear him. This is a child abuser.

Coming Soon: Isaiah – Chapter 34: Judgment Against the Nations

Malachi 4:5-6

A couple of weeks ago I discussed the first verse of the Old Testament for Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday, so it is only fair game to share the last verse of the Old Testament. 

“See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.” – Malachi 4:5-6

Okay, the last two verses. Read these carefully. God is sending Elijah to you and if he doesn’t turn the hearts of parents and children, God is going to lay total destruction on the land. How many children will be killed? God could turn hearts himself but is too lazy and as a result, thousands of children will needlessly die. A fucking horrible god.

Isaiah – Chapter 32: The Kingdom of Righteousness

A kingdom of righteousness? Led by an evil god that kills over and over? Hardly.

“You women who are so complacent,” – Isaiah 32:9

LOL! This chapter has the word righteousness in it and then describes women as complacent. I guess it’s been awhile in the Bible since women were last trashed, so the authors had to get back to it. Can’t let women get away for too long!

“Tremble, you complacent women; shudder, you daughters who feel secure! Strip off your fine clothes and wrap yourselves in rags.” – Isaiah 32:11

Yep, more trashing of women.

“Beat your breasts for the pleasant fields,” – Isaiah 32:12

Um….?!??!?!

You see, women are the fault of all of God’s torture on the Israelites. Those fucking complacent women causing all of the world’s problems! 🙂

Coming Soon: Isaiah – Chapter 33: Distress and Help