So far Joshua has brought us fear of God, anti-science, and war mongering. Things are heating up! Chapter 5 has ‘circumcision’ in the title, so you know it has to be good!
“Now when all the Amorite kings west of the Jordan and all the Canaanite kings along the coast heard how the Lord had dried up the Jordan before the Israelites until they had crossed over, their hearts melted in fear and they no longer had the courage to face the Israelites.” – Joshua 5:1
Oh give me a break. They “heard” that the river dried up? Did they actually look to see if the river dried up? I don’t believe this for one second.
“At that time the Lord said to Joshua, ‘Make flint knives and circumcise the Israelites again.’” – Joshua 5:2
There is so much wrong with this verse. First of all, the Israelites are chopping the tips of their dicks off with a flint knife. Picture that in your head! Second, look at the word ‘again’. Why the hell are they circumcising themselves again? Once circumcised, there’s nothing left to circumcise. You can’t circumcise yourself twice!
“Now this is why he did so…” – Joshua 5:4
No, I don’t give a fuck what comes next. It doesn’t rationalize chopping at your dick with a flint knife.
“All the people that came out had been circumcised, but all the people born in the wilderness during the journey from Egypt had not.” – Joshua 5:5
Hmmm…incorrect definition of ‘again’ in Joshua 5:2.
“And after the whole nation had been circumcised, they remained where they were in camp until they were healed.” – Joshua 5:8
Picture this in your head. A bunch of sweaty dudes bleeding from their dicks because they had the “great” idea to chop off the tip with a flint knife. Dumbasses.
“Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, ‘What message does my Lord have for his servant?’” – Joshua 5:14
Kill. Murder. Destroy.
Joshua 5 is a story about grown men cutting their dicks. Seriously. The end sets up the attack on Jericho, but the focus is on dicks.
Coming Soon: Joshua – Chapter 6: The Fall of Jericho