Leviticus 19:19

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday verse is one you’ve likely heard before.  It’s not necessarily as crazy or harmful as others, but is crazy when compared with other verses Christians follow literally.

“Do not wear clothing woven of two kinds of material.” – Leviticus 19:19

God makes it very clear that we are not to wear clothing woven of two kinds of materials.  Obviously no one follows this law today.  Look at the shirt you’re wearing right now.  Maybe it’s 100% cotton, but there’s a good chance there’s a mix of polyester, silk, cotton, and other materials.  Even if your shirt is made from one and only one material, what about your pants?  Your socks?  Your underwear?  Are they the same material?  Very likely not.

The law itself is absolute nonsense and just one of many silly verses in the Bible Christians don’t follow.  What makes it crazier though is when Christians use the chapter that precedes this one (Leviticus 18) and the chapter that follows this one (Leviticus 20) to condemn homosexuality.  Yet these same Christians ignore the command of wearing two kinds of material in their clothing.  What’s even worse, Christians will also ignore Leviticus 19:28 which states one should not have tattoos.

So let’s get this straight.  Verses in Leviticus condemning homosexuality should be followed.  Verses in Leviticus condemning clothing made from two materials should not be followed.  Got it.  No, wait, I don’t because I’m not a bigot.

Joshua – Chapter 5: Circumcision and Passover at Gilgal

So far Joshua has brought us fear of God, anti-science, and war mongering.  Things are heating up!  Chapter 5 has ‘circumcision’ in the title, so you know it has to be good!

“Now when all the Amorite kings west of the Jordan and all the Canaanite kings along the coast heard how the Lord had dried up the Jordan before the Israelites until they had crossed over, their hearts melted in fear and they no longer had the courage to face the Israelites.” – Joshua 5:1

Oh give me a break.  They “heard” that the river dried up?  Did they actually look to see if the river dried up?  I don’t believe this for one second.

“At that time the Lord said to Joshua, ‘Make flint knives and circumcise the Israelites again.’” – Joshua 5:2

There is so much wrong with this verse.  First of all, the Israelites are chopping the tips of their dicks off with a flint knife.  Picture that in your head!  Second, look at the word ‘again’.  Why the hell are they circumcising themselves again?  Once circumcised, there’s nothing left to circumcise.  You can’t circumcise yourself twice!

“Now this is why he did so…” – Joshua 5:4

No, I don’t give a fuck what comes next.  It doesn’t rationalize chopping at your dick with a flint knife.

“All the people that came out had been circumcised, but all the people born in the wilderness during the journey from Egypt had not.” – Joshua 5:5

Hmmm…incorrect definition of ‘again’ in Joshua 5:2.

“And after the whole nation had been circumcised, they remained where they were in camp until they were healed.” – Joshua 5:8

Picture this in your head.  A bunch of sweaty dudes bleeding from their dicks because they had the “great” idea to chop off the tip with a flint knife.  Dumbasses.

“Then Joshua fell facedown to the ground in reverence, and asked him, ‘What message does my Lord have for his servant?’” – Joshua 5:14

Kill.  Murder.  Destroy.

Joshua 5 is a story about grown men cutting their dicks.  Seriously.  The end sets up the attack on Jericho, but the focus is on dicks.

Coming Soon:  Joshua – Chapter 6:  The Fall of Jericho

Random Thought

I’ll make things quick today.  If we’re really worried about predators going after young kids in bathrooms, we should stop worrying about the transgender population.  Instead we should worry about pedophile priests/pastors/ministers who are doing “God’s work”.  The end.

Joshua – Chapter 4: Crossing the Jordan Part II

The Israelites are now posed to cross the Jordan River and take over the promised land under the guidance of God.

“So Joshua called together the twelve men he had appointed from the Israelites, one from each tribe, and said to them, ‘Go over before the ark of the Lord your God into the middle of the Jordan. Each of you is to take up a stone on his shoulder, according to the number of the tribes of the Israelites, to serve as a sign among you. In the future, when your children ask you, ‘What do these stones mean?’ tell them that the flow of the Jordan was cut off before the ark of the covenant of the Lord.’” – Joshua 4:4-7

So not only did a river stop flowing suddenly without the building of a dam, and not only does the release of the water not cause a major flood, but now the flow is stopped by 12 stones.  12 stones!?!?!  Holy Jesus anti-science bullshit!

“And they are there to this day.” – Joshua 4:9

ROFL!  Sure they are.

“About forty thousand armed for battle crossed over before the Lord to the plains of Jericho for war.” – Joshua 4:13

God is serious about killing innocent people.

“And the priests came up out of the river carrying the ark of the covenant of the Lord. No sooner had they set their feet on the dry ground than the waters of the Jordan returned to their place and ran at flood stage as before.” – Joshua 4:18

And then the waters flooded the countryside, destroying farmland, killing animals, and killing innocent humans.  The water that built up has to go somewhere.  Simple physics God.  Simple physics.

“For the Lord your God dried up the Jordan before you until you had crossed over. The Lord your God did to the Jordan what he had done to the Red Sea when he dried it up before us until we had crossed over.” – Joshua 4:23

Absolute anti-science bullshit.  Simple physics makes it clear this cannot happen and if you believe this happened, you also likely believe in talking donkeys as the literal word of God.

“He did this so that all the peoples of the earth might know that the hand of the Lord is powerful and so that you might always fear the Lord your God.” – Joshua 4:24

Let’s see hear.  God commands the Israelites kill the people of the land.  He demands everyone obey him and threatens the children of the children of the children to anyone who does what he considers wrong.  He demands you fear him.  But he still loves you.  Yeah, right.

That concludes Joshua 4.  The writers of the Bible clearly have no idea how floods work.  God continues getting the Israelites ready to destroy innocent people.  In other words, much of the same.

Coming Soon:  Joshua – Chapter 5:  Circumcision and Passover at Gilgal

Joshua – Chapter 3: Crossing the Jordan

Thus far in Joshua the Israelites are preparing for war.  God is giving them the promised land, although people already live there.  Instead of seeking a peaceful solution, God has the Israelites prepare for bloodshed and destruction.

“Early in the morning Joshua and all the Israelites set out from Shittim and went to the Jordan, where they camped before crossing over.” – Joshua 3:1

Preparing to destroy innocent lives.

“Joshua told the people, ‘Consecrate yourselves, for tomorrow the Lord will do amazing things among you.’” – Joshua 3:5

Amazing things = killing innocent people.

“And the Lord said to Joshua, ‘Today I will begin to exalt you in the eyes of all Israel, so they may know that I am with you as I was with Moses.’” – Joshua 3:7

Exalt you = preparing to help you kill innocent people.  Joshua then tells the Israelites:

“This is how you will know that the living God is among you and that he will certainly drive out before you the Canaanites, Hittites, Hivites, Perizzites, Girgashites, Amorites and Jebusites.  See, the ark of the covenant of the Lord of all the earth will go into the Jordan ahead of you.  Now then, choose twelve men from the tribes of Israel, one from each tribe.  And as soon as the priests who carry the ark of the Lord—the Lord of all the earth—set foot in the Jordan, its waters flowing downstream will be cut off and stand up in a heap.” – Joshua 3:10-13

Yep, prepared to drive out the people already living in the land.  So the river water is just going to stand up in a heap?  Back to anti-science for the Bible.  Obviously this can’t happen, although if you believe in a talking donkey, I suppose river water suddenly stopping and standing in a heap is not much of an irrational leap.  Sigh.

“Yet as soon as the priests who carried the ark reached the Jordan and their feet touched the water’s edge, the water from upstream stopped flowing. It piled up in a heap a great distance away, at a town called Adam in the vicinity of Zarethan, while the water flowing down to the Sea of the Arabah (that is, the Dead Sea) was completely cut off. So the people crossed over opposite Jericho.” – Joshua 3:15-16

Let’s assume the water can pile up so the Israelites can cross.  What happens when the water is released?  All of that water piling up will produce a massive flood, destroying towns, villages, farms, people, animals, and children/babies when it is released.  The Bible conveniently leaves this part out.

No actual death and destruction yet in Joshua, but we now know the Israelites are definitely preparing, under the leadership of God, to destroy the people of the land.  Even if the people do not die by the sword, the massive flood that would result from the piling up of water would kill many.  Of course the Bible doesn’t discuss this because science is inconvenient to the story being told.  By story I mean fictional nonsense.

Coming Soon:  Joshua – Chapter 4:  Crossing the Jordan Part II

Deuteronomy 28:32

A couple of weeks ago I shared Deuteronomy 28:30 on a Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday.  In that verse God will have a husband’s wife raped if the husband disobeys God.  Instead of punishing the culprit, God punishes an innocent person.  God is at it again in Deuteronomy 28:32.

“Your sons and daughters will be given to another nation, and you will wear out your eyes watching for them day after day, powerless to lift a hand.” – Deuteronomy 28:32

Not only is your wife raped if you make a mistake, but your children are given to other nations to be slaves.  Your children are punished for your deeds.  And if you remember Job, it’s very possible you did NOTHING wrong, yet your children are the ones suffering.  This is the god Christians worship.  A god who punishes innocents who had NOTHING to do with the supposed crime.

This is even more alarming when you realize that a few chapters prior to this, in Deuteronomy 24:16, God said parents and children should NOT be punished for the crimes of the other.

“Parents are not to be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their parents; each will die for their own sin.” – Deuteronomy 24:16

The Christian apologist will argue that this verse only refers to death.  Sorry, but I’m not buying it.  God is willing to rape your wife and send your children off as slaves.  This is not a just god.  This is not a god worthy of worship.  This is an asshole god created by man who LIES.

Joshua – Chapter 2: Rahab and the Spies

The first chapter of the book of Joshua started us off with the transition from Moses as leader of the Israelites to Joshua.  The Israelites have reached the promised land and everyone will live happily ever after, right?  Guess again.

“So they went and entered the house of a prostitute named Rahab and stayed there.” – Joshua 2:2

The scene is set.  Joshua sends two men to spy on Jericho and they go see a prostitute.  Rahab, the prostitute, hides the men from the King of Jericho.  Rahab goes on to say:

“I know that the Lord has given you this land and that a great fear of you has fallen on us, so that all who live in this country are melting in fear because of you. We have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red Sea for you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to Sihon and Og, the two kings of the Amorites east of the Jordan, whom you completely destroyed. When we heard of it, our hearts melted in fear and everyone’s courage failed because of you, for the Lord your God is God in heaven above and on the earth below.” – Joshua 2:9-11

Rahab sums it up pretty well.  God has decided the Israelites are to get this land that is already occupied.  The people living there are evil because God says so and must be destroyed.  Rahab understands that the god of the Bible is a god who rules with fear.  A god who rules with fear is no god who should be worshipped.  Rahab and the Israelite spies agree to spare each other’s lives.

“Now the men had said to her, ‘This oath you made us swear will not be binding on us unless, when we enter the land, you have tied this scarlet cord in the window through which you let us down, and unless you have brought your father and mother, your brothers and all your family into your house. If any of them go outside your house into the street, their blood will be on their own heads; we will not be responsible. As for those who are in the house with you, their blood will be on our head if a hand is laid on them.  But if you tell what we are doing, we will be released from the oath you made us swear.’” – Joshua 2:17-20

It’s great that the Israelites are willing to spare Rahab and her family, but they are still about to spill blood across the city.  These verses set the story for upcoming death and destruction of people already occupying the promised land.

“They said to Joshua, ‘The Lord has surely given the whole land into our hands; all the people are melting in fear because of us.’” – Joshua 2:24

Why again is it we are taught to worship and love a god who demands humans fear him?  Either the god of the Bible is not real (ding, ding, ding, ding) or the god of the Bible is not worthy of our worship.  Either way, humans are much better off without religion.

That concludes Joshua 2.  No death and destruction yet, but the plot has been set for upcoming bloodshed.  I’m sure it will be the “loving” type of bloodshed because God says it’s okay.  Barf.

Coming Soon:  Joshua – Chapter 3:  Crossing the Jordan

Joshua – Chapter 1: Joshua Installed as Leader

Moses is toast and Joshua is the new leader of the Israelites.  Will he bring peace to the people?  Let’s find out!

“After the death of Moses the servant of the Lord, the Lord said to Joshua son of Nun, Moses’ aide: ‘Moses my servant is dead. Now then, you and all these people, get ready to cross the Jordan River into the land I am about to give to them—to the Israelites.  I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses.’” – Joshua 1:1-3

The moment we’ve all been waiting for.  THE PROMISED LAND!!!  Unfortunately this land is already occupied and God is setting up the story for more slaughter of innocents.

“No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” – Joshua 1:5

Sorry God, you refused to let Moses enter the promised land, so you did forsake him.  You weren’t with Moses, unless your definition of with is against.

“Be strong and very courageous. Be careful to obey all the law my servant Moses gave you; do not turn from it to the right or to the left, that you may be successful wherever you go.” – Joshua 1:7

Yes, don’t disobey the silly little rules about breaking a heifer’s neck or the number of days a women remains unclean after her period.

“Then they answered Joshua, ‘Whatever you have commanded us we will do, and wherever you send us we will go. Just as we fully obeyed Moses, so we will obey you. Only may the Lord your God be with you as he was with Moses. Whoever rebels against your word and does not obey it, whatever you may command them, will be put to death. Only be strong and courageous!’” – Joshua 1:16-18

This is a bloodthirsty people supposedly led by a bloodthirsty god.  This can’t end well.

That concludes the first chapter of Joshua.  No murder and rape yet, but we know it’s coming as God has made it very clear that you must obey his every command.  Death is coming.  I hear the ominous music now!

Coming Soon:  Joshua – Chapter 2:  Rahab and the Spies

Introduction to Joshua

If you’re a reader of this blog you know that I’m discussing each of the chapters in the Bible in chronological order.  Thus far I’ve covered the first five chapters of the Bible, along with Job and a couple of chapters in Psalms.  The next chapter, in what is considered chronological order, is Joshua.

Before jumping in, let me do a quick overview of the chapter so you know what we’re about to get into.  Remember that Moses died at the end of Deuteronomy and the leadership position over the Israelites was handed over to Joshua.  The book of Joshua was supposedly written by Joshua himself, but you can likely guess my thoughts on that.  Given that Moses, often credited by Christians as the author of the first five books of the Bible, likely never existed, Joshua probably never existed either.

For four books preceding Joshua the Israelites marched toward the promised land.  In this book, the Israelites finally enter that promised land.  That means the slaughter and rape of innocents is over, right?  Nope!  This book brings more murder and rape, with the only difference of being led by Joshua instead of Moses.  Basically you can expect more of the same.  Murder, rape, and praising of God has great and mighty!  Sigh.

Oh well, let’s get started!