Judges – Chapter 14: Samson’s Marriage

In Judges 13 we learned of the birth of Samson.  Judges 14 fast forwards to Samson in adulthood and his marriage.

“Samson went down to Timnah and saw there a young Philistine woman. When he returned, he said to his father and mother, ‘I have seen a Philistine woman in Timnah; now get her for me as my wife.’” – Judges 14:1-2

Biblical morals!  The way to get a wife is to find a woman, don’t talk to her, and demand your parents to make her your wife.  Go God!

“His father and mother replied, ‘Isn’t there an acceptable woman among your relatives or among all our people? Must you go to the uncircumcised Philistines to get a wife?’” – Judges 14:3

My favorite part of this verse is that the parents aren’t upset at Samson’s method of getting a wife, but at the fact that the woman he wants to own comes from a group of people who don’t chop the tip of their dicks off with a rock.  Good people.  🙂

“But Samson said to his father, ‘Get her for me. She’s the right one for me.’ (His parents did not know that this was from the Lord, who was seeking an occasion to confront the Philistines; for at that time they were ruling over Israel.)” – Judges 14:3-4

Just in case you think God doesn’t approve of Samson’s method, the Bible makes it very clear that this method of obtaining a wife is God approved.

“Samson went down to Timnah together with his father and mother. As they approached the vineyards of Timnah, suddenly a young lion came roaring toward him.  The Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him so that he tore the lion apart with his bare hands as he might have torn a young goat. But he told neither his father nor his mother what he had done. Then he went down and talked with the woman, and he liked her.” – Judges 14:5-7

I don’t even know where to begin with this.  That’s how fucked up this story is.  Tore a lion apart with his bare hands?  Then talks to the woman and likes her.  Talk about a change of story direction!

“Some time later, when he went back to marry her, he turned aside to look at the lion’s carcass, and in it he saw a swarm of bees and some honey. He scooped out the honey with his hands and ate as he went along. When he rejoined his parents, he gave them some, and they too ate it. But he did not tell them that he had taken the honey from the lion’s carcass.” – Judges 14:8-9

OMFG!!!  What the hell is this?  Bees making a hive inside a lion’s carcass?  Samson scooping out the honey and eating it, but not telling his parents.  What’s the whole point of this?  To hide the fact that he’s about to own a woman?

“On the fourth day, they said to Samson’s wife, ‘Coax your husband into explaining the riddle for us, or we will burn you and your father’s household to death. Did you invite us here to steal our property?’” – Judges 14:15

Samson has told a riddle to some men as a bet and they are now mad and trying to get the answer to the riddle.  They go after the wife (yes, Samson is suddenly married, although the wedding is not discussed in the Bible).

“Then Samson’s wife threw herself on him, sobbing, “You hate me! You don’t really love me. You’ve given my people a riddle, but you haven’t told me the answer.”

“’I haven’t even explained it to my father or mother,’ he replied, ‘so why should I explain it to you?’ She cried the whole seven days of the feast. So on the seventh day he finally told her, because she continued to press him. She in turn explained the riddle to her people.” – Judges 14:16-17

Obviously the wife is resorting to trickery, but given she likely had no choice in marrying Samson, I side with the wife.

“Before sunset on the seventh day the men of the town said to him,

‘What is sweeter than honey?

    What is stronger than a lion?’

Samson said to them,

‘If you had not plowed with my heifer,

    you would not have solved my riddle.’” – Judges 14:18

Who calls their wife a heifer?  Oh yeah, God’s favorite long-haired strong man.

“Then the Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon him. He went down to Ashkelon, struck down thirty of their men, stripped them of everything and gave their clothes to those who had explained the riddle. Burning with anger, he returned to his father’s home.” – Judges 14:19

What the hell!?!?!  This was a riddle!  God has the thirty men killed for seeking an answer to a riddle!!!

“And Samson’s wife was given to one of his companions who had attended him at the feast.” – Judges 14:20

Wow!  Samson’s wife is punished by being raped!  And for what crime?  Telling the solution to a riddle.  Wow!  Wow!  Wow!  And this is the God Christians worship.

That concludes Judges 14, another disgusting chapter in the Bible.  Samson takes a wife, kills men (with the strength given by God), and let’s his wife be raped, all over a stupid riddle.  Oh, and don’t forget the lion killing and honey scooping from a dead lion’s carcass.  I have no more words to say about this horribleness.

Coming Soon:  Judges – Chapter 15:  Samson’s Vengeance on the Philistines

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