The story of Samson continues in Judges 16. Thus far Samson has demanded a wife, killed a bunch of people, torn apart a lion, ate some honey from the dead lion’s carcass, and seen his first wife killed. There was some raping in there too. A very nice, loving story, right? Let’s see what happens next.
“One day Samson went to Gaza, where he saw a prostitute. He went in to spend the night with her.” – Judges 16:1
God’s against prostitution, but he’s okay with it when his favorite long-haired strong man does it. Then again, Samson’s a man and anyone with a dick can sleep with whoever. If you’ve got a vagina, then you’ll be put to death.
“But Samson lay there only until the middle of the night. Then he got up and took hold of the doors of the city gate, together with the two posts, and tore them loose, bar and all. He lifted them to his shoulders and carried them to the top of the hill that faces Hebron.” – Judges 16:3
Yeah, just like tearing apart a lion, this didn’t happen.
“Some time later, he fell in love with a woman in the Valley of Sorek whose name was Delilah.” – Judges 16:4
He fell in love with her, but did she fall in love with him? We don’t know, but given how Samson got his first wife, it’s unlikely Delilah was a willing participant.
“The rulers of the Philistines went to her and said, ‘See if you can lure him into showing you the secret of his great strength and how we can overpower him so we may tie him up and subdue him. Each one of us will give you eleven hundred shekels of silver.’ So Delilah said to Samson, ‘Tell me the secret of your great strength and how you can be tied up and subdued.’ Samson answered her, ‘If anyone ties me with seven fresh bowstrings that have not been dried, I’ll become as weak as any other man.’” – Judges 16:5-7
Is Samson really this daft? He takes women against their will. Does he really expect Delilah to be faithful to him on this? Of course she’s going to tell. Samson deserves whatever happens to him. So what stops Samson’s strength? Seven fresh bowstrings? Give me a break!
“Delilah then said to Samson, ‘All this time you have been making a fool of me and lying to me. Tell me how you can be tied.’” – Judges 16:13
I’m on Delilah’s side, but she’s just as daft as Samson if she believes strength is stopped by seven bowstrings. Then again, cutting his hair will stop him, so maybe Delilah isn’t daft given how ridiculous this whole story is.
“So he told her everything. ‘No razor has ever been used on my head,’ he said, ‘because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.’” – Judges 16:17
Yep, it’s official. Samson is an idiot. Why would he tell Delilah this? He knows she’s going to tell the Philistines!!!
“He awoke from his sleep and thought, ‘I’ll go out as before and shake myself free.’ But he did not know that the Lord had left him.” – Judges 16:20
How did you not expect this???
“But the hair on his head began to grow again after it had been shaved.” – Judges 16:22
Of course it did! It’s hair! That’s what hair does!!! This isn’t divine revelation. It’s simply hair growing like it always does. Some men get a clear ‘shadow’ on their face within a few hours of shaving. It’s a fact of life! Not a god!!!
“Then Samson prayed to the Lord, ‘Sovereign Lord, remember me. Please, God, strengthen me just once more, and let me with one blow get revenge on the Philistines for my two eyes.’” – Judges 16:28
Translation from God: Oh shit, I forgot about this douche bag I favored and commanded to be a douche bag. Um…better do something.
“Then Samson reached toward the two central pillars on which the temple stood. Bracing himself against them, his right hand on the one and his left hand on the other, Samson said, ‘Let me die with the Philistines!’ Then he pushed with all his might, and down came the temple on the rulers and all the people in it. Thus he killed many more when he died than while he lived.” – Judges 16:29-30
And thus ends the nonsense of Samson. Four chapters of complete scientific nonsense. None of what happened is possible, other than the hair growing back on Samson’s head since that is what hair freaking does!!! Samson is not a nice guy. He kills and rapes. Yet he was considered a good leader who led Israel for 20 years. That’s the family values definition of the Bible for you.
Coming Soon: Judges – Chapter 17: Micah’s Idols