1 Samuel – Chapter 10: Saul Made King

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel, Samuel chose his successor.  His method of choosing?  Pointing to the first person to enter the town and proclaiming him the new leader.  This person was Saul and his resume includes searching for donkeys.  Yes, searching for donkeys.  In 1 Samuel 10 Saul is officially made king of the Israelites.

“Then Samuel took a flask of olive oil and poured it on Saul’s head and kissed him, saying, ‘Has not the Lord anointed you ruler over his inheritance?’” – 1 Samuel 10:1

Come on Saul, flee!  Someone pours olive oil over my head and I’m punching them in the balls and fleeing!

“After that you will go to Gibeah of God, where there is a Philistine outpost. As you approach the town, you will meet a procession of prophets coming down from the high place with lyres, timbrels, pipes and harps being played before them, and they will be prophesying. The Spirit of the Lord will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.” – 1 Samuel 10:5-6

In other words, a bunch of crazy people spouting nonsense will cross your path.  It is not a sign of God.

“Once these signs are fulfilled, do whatever your hand finds to do, for God is with you.” – 1 Samuel 10:7

Does that mean Saul can jack off with that hand?  Kill someone?  Samuel has left it wide open and made it clear God supports whatever Samuel does with that hand.

“As Saul turned to leave Samuel, God changed Saul’s heart, and all these signs were fulfilled that day.” – 1 Samuel 10:8

Pay particular attention to this verse.  The Bible makes it clear it was God and only God who changed Saul’s heart.  Whatever happens from here on out is directly the result of God, not Saul.

“Samuel summoned the people of Israel to the Lord at Mizpah and said to them, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I brought Israel up out of Egypt, and I delivered you from the power of Egypt and all the kingdoms that oppressed you.’” – 1 Samuel 10:17-18

Egypt did not oppress the Israelites.  God hardened the hearts of the Egyptians.  God is the one who oppressed the Israelites.

That concludes 1 Samuel 10.  Saul is now king.  Saul’s heart has been changed by God but we aren’t told in which way Saul’s heart is turned.  The Bible, however, makes it clear that God has made the change and whatever Saul does from here on out is the direct result of God messing in the affairs of others.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 11: Saul Rescues the City of Jabesh

Halloween Time!

Today is Halloween Eve.  I wish each and every one of you heathens reading this a great day tomorrow.  Dress up as demons and Satan worshipers.  Eat a few babies.  Live up to your name as the worst of the worst on this planet!

Or…you know…hand out candy to the kiddies coming by dressed up as police officers, superheroes, doctors, and other cool non-demon worshipping costumes because we all know there is no kid on the planet dressing up as a demon for the true purpose of worshipping said demon.  Why?  Because demons don’t exist.  Neither do angels.  Or Jesus.  Or God.  Or the Holy Spirit.

1 Samuel – Chapter 9: Samuel Anoints Saul

The end of Samuel is here and Samuel needs to name his successor.  The title gives it away.  The successor to Samuel will be Saul.  The chapter begins with Saul and his servant looking for a lost donkey.  In their search, they come upon the town in which Samuel is currently located.

“Now the day before Saul came, the Lord had revealed this to Samuel: ‘About this time tomorrow I will send you a man from the land of Benjamin. Anoint him ruler over my people Israel; he will deliver them from the hand of the Philistines. I have looked on my people, for their cry has reached me.’” – 1 Samuel 9:15-16

This is how God chooses?  Every day in every town in the world a non-resident of the town enters the town’s boundaries.  It’s called life.  Yet it’s not how we choose mayors, councils, etc.  Why?  Because we are smarter than God.  We realize choosing the first outsider to enter a town on a given day is the worst possible method of choosing a leader.  Next Samuel takes Saul to eat dinner.

“As they were going down to the edge of the town, Samuel said to Saul, ‘Tell the servant to go on ahead of us”—and the servant did so—“but you stay here for a while, so that I may give you a message from God.’” – 1 Samuel 19:27

At this point I would be doing everything I could to get the fuck out of town because these people are crazy!  Tell me you would do otherwise and I’ve found myself a liar.

That does it for this chapter.  Not much took place.  Saul went looking for a few donkeys and suddenly finds himself leader of the Israelites.  That’s his resume.  Donkey searcher.  Yep, perfect job skill to be leader of a tribe of people!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 10:  Saul Made King

1 Samuel – Chapter 8: Israel Asks for a King

The killing in 1 Samuel continues, but God is now back on the side of the Israelites.  Let’s see what happens now.

“When Samuel grew old, he appointed his sons as Israel’s leaders. The name of his firstborn was Joel and the name of his second was Abijah, and they served at Beersheba. But his sons did not follow his ways. They turned aside after dishonest gain and accepted bribes and perverted justice.” – 1 Samuel 8:1-3

Of course they did.  God couldn’t push his agenda if people weren’t doing ‘ungodly’ things.  Did God harden their hearts as he’s done with so many people as a method to push his agenda of making the people fear him?

“And the Lord told him (Samuel): ‘Listen to all that the people are saying to you; it is not you they have rejected, but they have rejected me as their king.’” – 1 Samuel 8:7

Of course they have.  You are invisible!  You’ve never shown yourself.  Honestly, what did this god expect?

“He said, ‘This is what the king who will reign over you will claim as his rights: He will take your sons and make them serve with his chariots and horses, and they will run in front of his chariots. Some he will assign to be commanders of thousands and commanders of fifties, and others to plow his ground and reap his harvest, and still others to make weapons of war and equipment for his chariots. He will take your daughters to be perfumers and cooks and bakers. He will take the best of your fields and vineyards and olive groves and give them to his attendants. He will take a tenth of your grain and of your vintage and give it to his officials and attendants. Your male and female servants and the best of your cattle and donkeys he will take for his own use. He will take a tenth of your flocks, and you yourselves will become his slaves. When that day comes, you will cry out for relief from the king you have chosen, but the Lord will not answer you in that day.” 1 Samuel 8:11-18

And this is different to a life following God how?  Even with God on their side, hundreds of thousands of Israelites have suffered and died unnatural deaths.

“When Samuel heard all that the people said, he repeated it before the Lord. The Lord answered, ‘Listen to them and give them a king.’” – 1 Samuel 8:21-22

Once again I ask, how is this different from rule under God?  I’m not saying rule under this described king is a quality life, but neither has the Bible proven this with rule under God.  Either way the Israelites are screwed.

Guess what?  No killing in this chapter!  Sure, there’s mention of slavery under a king, but no actual slavery or killing took place in this chapter.  That’s an improvement.  Damn, the bar is set so low!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 9:  Samuel Anoints Saul

Proverbs 23:26-28

For this week’s Crazy Bible Verse I went looking for misogyny.  It wasn’t hard to find as 30 seconds later I had a verse I haven’t discussed yet and I’ve discussed MANY misogynistic verses.  This one is from the book of Proverbs.

“My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways, for an adulterous woman is a deep pit, and a wayward wife is a narrow well. Like a bandit she lies in wait and multiplies the unfaithful among men.” – Proverbs 23:26-28

Damn the women.  Men would remain righteous and faithful to the Lord if only women weren’t there to force them into evil ways!  Men would remain innocent if women didn’t trick them into immorality.  LOL!  Yes, the evils of men are blamed on women in the Bible.  That should tell you all there is to know about morality in the Bible.  Men = good.  Women = evil.  Disgusting.  How any woman or any man who cares about women can believe in what the Bible says is beyond me.  It is anything but moral.

1 Samuel – Chapter 7: Samuel Subdues the Philistines at Mizpah

The killing continues in 1 Samuel although the last chapter contained d a great deal of anti-science.  Curing cancer by making gold casts out of tumors?  Are you kidding me?  The killing has to stop in 1 Samuel 7, right?

“So Samuel said to all the Israelites, ‘If you are returning to the Lord with all your hearts, then rid yourselves of the foreign gods and the Ashtoreths and commit yourselves to the Lord and serve him only, and he will deliver you out of the hand of the Philistines.’” – 1 Samuel 7:3

God is all-mighty and all-powerful, but must use threats to force the people into worshipping him.  Doesn’t sound like a good god to me.

“While Samuel was sacrificing the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to engage Israel in battle. But that day the Lord thundered with loud thunder against the Philistines and threw them into such a panic that they were routed before the Israelites.” 1 Samuel 7:10

In other words, the Philistines are afraid of thunder.  Hardly evidence for a god.

“The men of Israel rushed out of Mizpah and pursued the Philistines, slaughtering them along the way to a point below Beth Kar.” – 1 Samuel 7:11

Ah there it is.  It took eleven verses, but there’s the killing we’ve come to expect in 1 Samuel.

“Samuel continued as Israel’s leader all the days of his life. From year to year he went on a circuit from Bethel to Gilgal to Mizpah, judging Israel in all those places. But he always went back to Ramah, where his home was, and there he also held court for Israel. And he built an altar there to the Lord.” – 1 Samuel 7:15-17

Looks like God’s pissiness toward the Israelites has worn off.  They are best buds again.

I started this discussion wondering if the killing would end in this chapter.  Nope, more killing.  We don’t know how many, but we know it was a ‘slaughtering’ as that is what the Bible tells us.  This is a god who rules by fear and threats of violence.  This is not a god worthy of worship from anyone.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 8:  Israel Asks for a King

Atheist Republic

Last week on Sunday I shared with you my review of a book I read by Armin Navabi.  Navabi is the founder of the Atheist Republic online community.  If you’ve never visited the Atheist Republic online community, please do so.  It’s a great place to hear from other Atheists also looking for a community to meet like-minded individuals on the topic of religion (or non-religion).

Atheist Republic

At this site is a blog, forums to discuss with others, news, volunteer opportunities, and much more.  I live in an area in which I do not personally know many other open atheists.  I know a few, but am otherwise surrounded by Christians.  Most of them are good people, of course, but the constant push of religion is a drag at times.  Having online communities such as Atheist Republic to go to is a great way to keep one’s sanity in a society dominated by religion.

1 Samuel – Chapter 6: The Ark Returned to Israel

Lots of killing in 1 Samuel thus far.  Tens of thousands of Israelites are killed as well as tens of thousands of the enemies of the Israelites.  How did it all start?  God was pissy that two of Eli’s sons slept with other women, something he’s allowed other men to do with no punishment.  Will the killing stop in 1 Samuel 6?  Let’s find out.

“They answered, ‘If you return the ark of the god of Israel, do not send it back to him without a gift; by all means send a guilt offering to him. Then you will be healed, and you will know why his hand has not been lifted from you.’” – 1 Samuel 6:3

Yeah…don’t you fucking dare skip out on getting God a present!!!

“The Philistines asked, ‘What guilt offering should we send to him?’ They replied, ‘Five gold tumors and five gold rats, according to the number of the Philistine rulers, because the same plague has struck both you and your rulers.’” – 1 Samuel 6:4

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?!?!?  Gold tumors?  Gold rats?  Sigh.  Yes, this is exactly what oncologists do to treat people with tumors.  They make a gold cast out of it and your cured of cancer!

“Now then, get a new cart ready, with two cows that have calved and have never been yoked. Hitch the cows to the cart, but take their calves away and pen them up. Take the ark of the Lord and put it on the cart, and in a chest beside it put the gold objects you are sending back to him as a guilt offering. Send it on its way, but keep watching it. If it goes up to its own territory, toward Beth Shemesh, then the Lord has brought this great disaster on us. But if it does not, then we will know that it was not his hand that struck us but that it happened to us by chance.” – 1 Samuel 6:7-9

Let’s fully appreciate these verses.  God will determine his decision on what to do based on the direction two cows take a cart?  I now have a concussion from all this head banging.

“But God struck down some of the inhabitants of Beth Shemesh, putting seventy of them to death because they looked into the ark of the Lord. The people mourned because of the heavy blow the Lord had dealt them.” – 1 Samuel 6:19

Don’t you dare look at God in his ark!  Don’t you fucking dare!!!!

This would be hilarious if a huge chunk of the world’s population didn’t buy it as absolute truth, hook, line, and sinker!  Unbelievable!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 7:  Samuel Subdues the Philistines at Mizpah

1 Samuel – Chapter 5: The Ark in Ashdod and Ekron

The last chapter of 1 Samuel continued God’s pissiness at the Israelites and included the death of tens of thousands of Isaelites.  Let’s see if 1 Samuel 5 puts an end to the killing.

“Then the people of Ashdod rose early the next day, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! They took Dagon and put him back in his place.” – 1 Samuel 5:3

Dagon is a statue.

“But the following morning when they rose, there was Dagon, fallen on his face on the ground before the ark of the Lord! His head and hands had been broken off and were lying on the threshold; only his body remained.” – 1 Samuel 5:4

Let’s see.  This could be the result of an invisible God no one can see, hear, touch, smell, or perceive in anyway, or it’s the simple act of vandals.  I’m going to go with vandals.

“The Lord’s hand was heavy on the people of Ashdod and its vicinity; he brought devastation on them and afflicted them with tumors.” – 1 Samuel 6:5

People get tumors all the time.  Approximately 40% of people will contract cancer at some point in their life.  Granted, not all are tumors, but many are.  Plus, at this time in history, the ability to detect tumors is extremely limited.  In other words, this simply did not happen.

“But after they had moved it, the Lord’s hand was against that city, throwing it into a great panic. He afflicted the people of the city, both young and old, with an outbreak of tumors.” – 1 Samuel 6:9

God could make an appearance and tell the people to stop moving him, but instead chooses tumors as his communication device.  Damn this god is stupid.

“For death had filled the city with panic; God’s hand was very heavy on it. Those who did not die were afflicted with tumors, and the outcry of the city went up to heaven.” – 1 Samuel 6:11-12

Apparently God is no longer pissy at the Israelites, because he’s now killing the enemies of the Israelites, through tumors.

This chapter is filled with much anti-science.  Tumors as a method of death?  Are you kidding me?  Even the fastest of tumors take weeks if not months or years to result in death.  Even for a fast growing brain tumor, glioblastoma, the average lifespan without treatment is 3-4 months.  With treatment it’s 15 months.  God’s method of killing in this chapter is extremely inefficient.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 6:  The Ark Returned to Israel

Jeremiah 3:33

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse comes from the book of Jeremiah.

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” – Jeremiah 3:33

At first this doesn’t seem crazy and I first found it by doing a Google search of “My Favorite Bible Verse”.  One of the first websites that popped up from the search contained this verse.  It basically says that if you are struggling and need help, put your faith in God and ask for help.  If you do, he will answer you.  Not only will he answer you, but he will tell you ‘great and unsearchable things you do not know’.

So why is this crazy?  It’s crazy because it is a verse that makes no sense.  It’s a verse Christians can use to explain why prayers are not answered.  If your prayer is not answered, you must not have prayed correctly or prayed with your total heart devoted to God.  There is no check and balance on this argument.  There’s no way to fact-check one’s heart.  If your prayer comes true, you must have done it right.  If not, you suck at prayer and are not devoted completely to God.

This particular verse doesn’t just say God will answer you, but that he will answer you with something great and unsearchable.  You can’t receive something great and be told no at the same time.  You’re only told no if you didn’t pray hard enough.  This is a huge pet peeve of mine.  If only he/she had more faith in God, their two year old wouldn’t have died of anal cancer.  Ug.  It’s a disgusting argument and anyone saying it needs a good punch to the face, especially if the argument involves children.