1 Samuel – Chapter 2: Hannah’s Prayer

In the first chapter of 1 Samuel we learned about the birth of Samuel and that the Bible still hates women.  The second chapter of 1 Samuel is a prayer from Hannah.

“My heart rejoices in the Lord in the Lord my horn[a] is lifted high…” – 1 Samuel 2:1

Um…why?  God hates you because you are missing a dick.

“There is no one holy like the Lord…” – 1 Samuel 2:2

If by ‘holy’ you mean a murdering, raping, blood-thirsty Lord, then sure.

“…for the Lord is a God who knows…” – 1 Samuel 2:3

Except this god doesn’t know.  He doesn’t know how to solve a problem without murder, rape, or misogyny.

“He raises the poor from the dust and lifts the needy from the ash heap…” – 1 Samuel 2:8

Evidence please!  I’m not aware of any instance in which God has done this for a poor person.

“He will guard the feet of his faithful servants, but the wicked will be silenced in the place of darkness.” – 1 Samuel 2:9

And the most righteous of man.  See the book of Job for details on this one.

“Eli’s sons were scoundrels; they had no regard for the Lord.” – 1 Samuel 2:12

If you don’t believe in God you are a scoundrel.  And this whole time I thought we were baby eaters!

“And the Lord was gracious to Hannah; she gave birth to three sons and two daughters. Meanwhile, the boy Samuel grew up in the presence of the Lord.” – 1 Samuel 2:21

I’m not sure most parents consider FIVE kids the blessing of God.  In fact, I think many feel the opposite.  Come on God, another kid?  We used condoms!!!

“Now Eli, who was very old, heard about everything his sons were doing to all Israel and how they slept with the women who served at the entrance to the tent of meeting.” – 1 Samuel 2:22

Since when does God have a problem with men sleeping with women?  The woman is always the one at fault in the Bible, not the man!

“Every one of you that I do not cut off from serving at my altar I will spare only to destroy your sight and sap your strength, and all your descendants will die in the prime of life.” – 1 Samuel 2:33

God has a big problem with Eli’s sons.  Why?  Who knows?  God’s never had a problem with men sleeping around before, so I’m not sure what the big deal is here.  However, God is really mad and he’s going to punish the innocent descendants of Eli’s sons.  Yes, punish those who had nothing to do with the supposed sin.

God is definitely pissed off in this chapter.  Eli’s sons are scoundrels, but the only thing they’ve done as far as the Bible tells us is sleep with a bunch of women.  That’s it.  God’s never had a problem before with this.  He doesn’t have a problem with slavery or incest either, but in this case, sleeping with women is such a crime that the descendant of Eli’s sons will also be punished.  In other words, God continues being the asshole we know him to be.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 3:  The Lord Calls Samuel

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