1 Samuel – Chapter 6: The Ark Returned to Israel

Lots of killing in 1 Samuel thus far.  Tens of thousands of Israelites are killed as well as tens of thousands of the enemies of the Israelites.  How did it all start?  God was pissy that two of Eli’s sons slept with other women, something he’s allowed other men to do with no punishment.  Will the killing stop in 1 Samuel 6?  Let’s find out.

“They answered, ‘If you return the ark of the god of Israel, do not send it back to him without a gift; by all means send a guilt offering to him. Then you will be healed, and you will know why his hand has not been lifted from you.’” – 1 Samuel 6:3

Yeah…don’t you fucking dare skip out on getting God a present!!!

“The Philistines asked, ‘What guilt offering should we send to him?’ They replied, ‘Five gold tumors and five gold rats, according to the number of the Philistine rulers, because the same plague has struck both you and your rulers.’” – 1 Samuel 6:4

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me?!?!?  Gold tumors?  Gold rats?  Sigh.  Yes, this is exactly what oncologists do to treat people with tumors.  They make a gold cast out of it and your cured of cancer!

“Now then, get a new cart ready, with two cows that have calved and have never been yoked. Hitch the cows to the cart, but take their calves away and pen them up. Take the ark of the Lord and put it on the cart, and in a chest beside it put the gold objects you are sending back to him as a guilt offering. Send it on its way, but keep watching it. If it goes up to its own territory, toward Beth Shemesh, then the Lord has brought this great disaster on us. But if it does not, then we will know that it was not his hand that struck us but that it happened to us by chance.” – 1 Samuel 6:7-9

Let’s fully appreciate these verses.  God will determine his decision on what to do based on the direction two cows take a cart?  I now have a concussion from all this head banging.

“But God struck down some of the inhabitants of Beth Shemesh, putting seventy of them to death because they looked into the ark of the Lord. The people mourned because of the heavy blow the Lord had dealt them.” – 1 Samuel 6:19

Don’t you dare look at God in his ark!  Don’t you fucking dare!!!!

This would be hilarious if a huge chunk of the world’s population didn’t buy it as absolute truth, hook, line, and sinker!  Unbelievable!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 7:  Samuel Subdues the Philistines at Mizpah


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