1 Samuel – Chapter 21: David at Nob

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving (here in the U.S.) and are celebrating today just as Jesus intended by spending all day at Wal-Mart fighting to buy the latest ‘deal’ on cheap shit that will break a few days after being opened.  J  Speaking of Jesus/God/Holy Spirit/Asshole, let’s dig back into the Bible and pick up where we left off Wednesday.  On Wednesday I discussed 1 Samuel 20 in which we learned Saul is trying to kill David and Jonathan and absolutely sucks at throwing a spear short distances.  The focus of 1 Samuel 21 turns back to David.

“David answered Ahimelek the priest, “The king sent me on a mission and said to me, ‘No one is to know anything about the mission I am sending you on.’” – 1 Samuel 21:2

Um…that’s a lie!  We already know that David is God’s lackey, and God is okay with lying?

“But the priest answered David, ‘I don’t have any ordinary bread on hand; however, there is some consecrated bread here—provided the men have kept themselves from women.’” – 1 Samuel 21:4

Yeah, you don’t want to fuck up God’s bread by associating yourself with a woman.  Women do nothing but fuck up the good bread.  🙂

“David replied, ‘Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!’” – 1 Samuel 21:5

OMG the misogyny is thick in this chapter!  Women do nothing but keep men unholy.  WOW!

“So he (David) pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard.” – 1 Samuel 21:13


“Am I so short of madmen that you have to bring this fellow here to carry on like this in front of me? Must this man come into my house?” – 1 Samuel 21:15

You can’t tell that he looks like David!!!

Sigh.  Another chapter in the Bible promoting misogyny.  A short chapter with several misogynistic verses.  Why does any woman support Christianity given what it says about women?

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 22:  David at Adullam and Mizpah

Isaiah 45:7

God is all about love, right?  Wrong!  In today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday I’ve pulled one verse that shows God is the one who created evil in the world.

“I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster, I, the Lord, do all these things.” – Isaiah 45:7

The Bible makes it very clear God created evil.  God created disasters.  God created hate.  God created painful death to good people.  God created bone cancer in children.  He does “all these things.”  That is simply crazy given the description of God by Christians.  They claim God is love.  No he’s not.  The Bible says the exact opposite!  God himself created all the horrible things on this planet.  Why would an all-loving god do that?  There are two possible reasons.  One, he’s not all-loving, or two, he’s not real.  I go with the latter.

I’ve also heard Christians apologize away this verse and/or use Jesus to try to get around it.  Sorry, Jesus doesn’t save (pun intended) you here.  Read Matthew 5:17.  Jesus is God according to Christians and this verse in Matthew clearly states that Jesus follows all of the old laws (Old Testament).  The idea of all-loving and just God?  ROFL!!!

Psalms – Chapter 59: For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam. When Saul had sent men to watch David’s house in order to kill him.

Before moving back to 1 Samuel there is one more chapter of Psalms to discuss, chapter 59.  In the previous chapter of Psalms I reviewed, chapter 11, David was praising God as righteous, just, holy, and heavenly.  In other words, the exact opposite of the god of the Bible.

“Deliver me from my enemies, O God; be my fortress against those who are attacking me.” – Psalms 59:1

The people aren’t your enemy.  God is.  God is creating enemies for you.  Blame God.

“Deliver me from evildoers and save me from those who are after my blood.” – Psalms 59:2

God has made it clear he hardens hearts and takes over bodies.  Only one person/being is after blood and that is God.

“You are my strength, I watch for you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.” – Psalms 59:9-10

LOL!  God is the last one you can rely on!  He disappears all the time and hardens the hearts of others to create new enemies where no enemies existed.  God is the one who denies the Israelites peace.  Not someone you can rely on.

“But do not kill them, Lord our shield, or my people will forget.” – Psalms 59:11

Don’t kill?  ROFL!  The Lord does nothing BUT kill.  Well, rape.  He does rape.

“But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.” – Psalms 59:16

Love?  No, God creates enemies and hate.  Not love.

That concludes Psalms 59.  David spends the chapter praising God, stating several things God doesn’t do.  God doesn’t love.  God doesn’t watch over you.  Instead God creates enemies and hate.  The Bible states so several times.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 21:  David at Nob

Psalms – Chapter 11: For the director of music. Of David.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve switched from the middle of 1 Samuel to what appears to be a random chapter in the book of Psalms.  My goal in discussing each chapter of the Bible is to go in chronological order.  Several chapters in Psalms focus on David, so for a while into the future I’ll be switching back and forth between 1 Samuel and Psalms.

“In the Lord I take refuge.” – Psalms 11:1

Really?  You take refuge in a murderous and conceited god?

“The Lord is in his holy temple; the Lord is on his heavenly throne.” – Psalms 11:4

A god who murders, rapes, and takes over human bodies to do these deeds for him is holy and heavenly?

“He observes everyone on earth; his eyes examine them.” – Psalms 11:4

So God observes children being raped, children dying painful deaths, children suffering from bone cancer and yet sits and does nothing?  That’s not love.

“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.” – Psalms 11:5

As we’ve learned in previous chapters, it doesn’t take much for God to hate you with a passion.  Touch his stuff and he hates you.  Eat the wrong animal and he hates you.  Break one tiny rule on how many days you are unclean and he hates you.  I do agree with one thing in this verse.  God certainly hates with a passion.

“For the Lord is righteous, he loves justice; the upright will see his face.” – Psalms 11:7

Is it righteous and just to allow innocent children and babies to be murdered and raped?  Is it righteous and just to punish generation after generation for the deeds of their ancestors?  No, it is not.  Therefore God is not righteous and just.

Psalms 11 was a short chapter in which David said wonderful things about God.  Unfortunately, none of these wonderful things is true.  Oh wait, the part about God hating with a passion is true, so give David credit for that!

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 59:  For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam. When Saul had sent men to watch David’s house in order to kill him.

1 Samuel – Chapter 20: David and Jonathan

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel God de-robed Saul so he could see him naked.  Yes, that actually happened!  This chapter, 1 Samuel 20, starts with David in fear of his life as Saul tries to kill him.  David runs to Jonathan asking for help and support in avoiding death.

“But if my father intends to harm you, may the Lord deal with Jonathan, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away in peace.” – 1 Samuel 20:13

Why is Jonathan asking to be punished if Saul is the one who intends to harm David?

“But show me unfailing kindness like the Lord’s kindness as long as I live, so that I may not be killed, and do not ever cut off your kindness from my family—not even when the Lord has cut off every one of David’s enemies from the face of the earth.” – 1 Samuel 20:14-15

The Lord’s kindness?  The kindness of raping and killing innocent women, children, and babies?  That kindness?  Jesus disagrees as well.  In the New Testament Jesus makes it very clear you are to cut off your family to follow him.  Given Christians believe Jesus is God, God makes it very clear he has no interest in kindness, in particular kindness to one’s family.

“Saul said nothing that day, for he thought, ‘Something must have happened to David to make him ceremonially unclean—surely he is unclean.’” – 1 Samuel 20:26

Given all the rules earlier in the Bible God hands down, David could have done a thousand things to make him ceremonially unclean.

“But the next day, the second day of the month, David’s place was empty again. Then Saul said to his son Jonathan, ‘Why hasn’t the son of Jesse come to the meal, either yesterday or today?’” – 1 Samuel 20:27

Calm down Saul.  Half of God’s rules on being unclean leave one unclean for several days!  Be patient!  🙂

“Saul’s anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, ‘You son of a perverse and rebellious woman!’” – 1 Samuel 20:30

More misogyny.  Saul uses the idea that women are evil in the eyes of God to call Jonathan a bad name.

“’Why should he be put to death? What has he done?’ Jonathan asked his father. But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David.” – 1 Samuel 20:32-33

Saul really sucks at throwing a spear.  This is at least the third time Saul has thrown a spear at someone in close quarters with the intent to kill.  How hard is it to impale someone with your spear from what is probably 2-3 feet away?

“Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger; on that second day of the feast he did not eat, because he was grieved at his father’s shameful treatment of David.” – 1 Samuel 20:34

Oh come on.  That is certainly NOT the reason Jonathan is mad.  Jonathan is mad because Saul just tried to kill him with a mother fucking spear!

After this Jonathan goes to David to inform him of what he discovered and that ends the chapter.  Saul is very mad in this chapter and has intentions of killing David and tried to kill Jonathan.  However, don’t make Saul to be the bad guy here.  We learned in previous chapters that God took over Saul’s body, hardening his heart, just like God hardened the hearts of the Egyptians.  God is the one trying to kill David.  God is the one who tried to kill Jonathan. God is the bad guy in this story.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 11: For the director of music. Of David.

1 Samuel 18:26-27

It’s time for another weekly edition of Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday.  I’ve already pulled several verses from the book of 1 Samuel, but here’s another that is perfect for today’s crazy bible verse.  This one comes from the story of David.

“When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.” – 1 Samuel 18:26-27

Picture this in your head.  David goes running out into battle, cuts of the dick tip of Philistine after Philistine until he has 200 dick tips.  Then he returns them to the king in exchange for a bride.  Image how the bride feels?  She was just purchased for dick tips.  DICK TIPS!?!?!?!  And how the hell could the Philistines not stop David?  I suppose they were dead now that I think about it.  Initially I had pictured David de-robing the Philistines in the middle of battle and de-dick tipping them in the middle of a sword fight.  ROFL!

This is a set of ridiculous verses that should make anyone reading them stop and think for a moment and ask, did this really happen?  Of course it didn’t really happen!  Even in biblical times filled with misogyny the idea of buying a bride for 200 foreskins is ridiculous!!!

1 Samuel – Chapter 19: Saul Tries to Kill David

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel, 1 Samuel 18, David chopped of the dick tips of 200 Philistines and traded them in for a wife.  I KID YOU NOT!!!  The Bible really says this!  Wow!  Can this chapter, 1 Samuel 19, top that in crazy?  I have no doubt there will be crazy, but crazier than chopping off 200 dick tips and trading them in for a wife?  That’s a tough task!  This chapter begins with Saul wanting David killed.  Jonathan, David’s co-star in the gay porn movie discussed in the previous chapter, warns David.

“The Lord won a great victory for all Israel, and you saw it and were glad.” – 1 Samuel 19:5

Once again, the Bible makes it clear the Lord supports all of the killing in the Bible.

“But an evil spirit from the Lord came on Saul as he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand. While David was playing the lyre, Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape.” – 1 Samuel 19:9-10

This is the second time God has invaded Saul’s body and tried to kill David.  Saul did not try to kill David.  God did.  God is the attempted killer in this story.

“So Saul went to Naioth at Ramah. But the Spirit of God came even on him, and he walked along prophesying until he came to Naioth. He stripped off his garments, and he too prophesied in Samuel’s presence. He lay naked all that day and all that night. This is why people say, ‘Is Saul also among the prophets?’” – 1 Samuel 19:23-24

These are the last two verses in this chapter and two of the craziest.  We already know God has no problem taking over someone’s body to do evil.  In this case, however, God takes over Saul’s body and strips him naked.  Um…what the fuck God?  You’re all-powerful.  If you want to see a naked man, can’t you just see through clothes?  Why the need to take over a body and strip it naked for all to see?  Weird.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 20:  David and Jonathan