1 Samuel – Chapter 21: David at Nob

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving (here in the U.S.) and are celebrating today just as Jesus intended by spending all day at Wal-Mart fighting to buy the latest ‘deal’ on cheap shit that will break a few days after being opened.  J  Speaking of Jesus/God/Holy Spirit/Asshole, let’s dig back into the Bible and pick up where we left off Wednesday.  On Wednesday I discussed 1 Samuel 20 in which we learned Saul is trying to kill David and Jonathan and absolutely sucks at throwing a spear short distances.  The focus of 1 Samuel 21 turns back to David.

“David answered Ahimelek the priest, “The king sent me on a mission and said to me, ‘No one is to know anything about the mission I am sending you on.’” – 1 Samuel 21:2

Um…that’s a lie!  We already know that David is God’s lackey, and God is okay with lying?

“But the priest answered David, ‘I don’t have any ordinary bread on hand; however, there is some consecrated bread here—provided the men have kept themselves from women.’” – 1 Samuel 21:4

Yeah, you don’t want to fuck up God’s bread by associating yourself with a woman.  Women do nothing but fuck up the good bread.  🙂

“David replied, ‘Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!’” – 1 Samuel 21:5

OMG the misogyny is thick in this chapter!  Women do nothing but keep men unholy.  WOW!

“So he (David) pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard.” – 1 Samuel 21:13


“Am I so short of madmen that you have to bring this fellow here to carry on like this in front of me? Must this man come into my house?” – 1 Samuel 21:15

You can’t tell that he looks like David!!!

Sigh.  Another chapter in the Bible promoting misogyny.  A short chapter with several misogynistic verses.  Why does any woman support Christianity given what it says about women?

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 22:  David at Adullam and Mizpah

Isaiah 45:7

God is all about love, right?  Wrong!  In today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday I’ve pulled one verse that shows God is the one who created evil in the world.

“I form the light and create darkness, I bring prosperity and create disaster, I, the Lord, do all these things.” – Isaiah 45:7

The Bible makes it very clear God created evil.  God created disasters.  God created hate.  God created painful death to good people.  God created bone cancer in children.  He does “all these things.”  That is simply crazy given the description of God by Christians.  They claim God is love.  No he’s not.  The Bible says the exact opposite!  God himself created all the horrible things on this planet.  Why would an all-loving god do that?  There are two possible reasons.  One, he’s not all-loving, or two, he’s not real.  I go with the latter.

I’ve also heard Christians apologize away this verse and/or use Jesus to try to get around it.  Sorry, Jesus doesn’t save (pun intended) you here.  Read Matthew 5:17.  Jesus is God according to Christians and this verse in Matthew clearly states that Jesus follows all of the old laws (Old Testament).  The idea of all-loving and just God?  ROFL!!!

Psalms – Chapter 59: For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam. When Saul had sent men to watch David’s house in order to kill him.

Before moving back to 1 Samuel there is one more chapter of Psalms to discuss, chapter 59.  In the previous chapter of Psalms I reviewed, chapter 11, David was praising God as righteous, just, holy, and heavenly.  In other words, the exact opposite of the god of the Bible.

“Deliver me from my enemies, O God; be my fortress against those who are attacking me.” – Psalms 59:1

The people aren’t your enemy.  God is.  God is creating enemies for you.  Blame God.

“Deliver me from evildoers and save me from those who are after my blood.” – Psalms 59:2

God has made it clear he hardens hearts and takes over bodies.  Only one person/being is after blood and that is God.

“You are my strength, I watch for you; you, God, are my fortress, my God on whom I can rely.” – Psalms 59:9-10

LOL!  God is the last one you can rely on!  He disappears all the time and hardens the hearts of others to create new enemies where no enemies existed.  God is the one who denies the Israelites peace.  Not someone you can rely on.

“But do not kill them, Lord our shield, or my people will forget.” – Psalms 59:11

Don’t kill?  ROFL!  The Lord does nothing BUT kill.  Well, rape.  He does rape.

“But I will sing of your strength, in the morning I will sing of your love; for you are my fortress, my refuge in times of trouble.” – Psalms 59:16

Love?  No, God creates enemies and hate.  Not love.

That concludes Psalms 59.  David spends the chapter praising God, stating several things God doesn’t do.  God doesn’t love.  God doesn’t watch over you.  Instead God creates enemies and hate.  The Bible states so several times.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 21:  David at Nob

Psalms – Chapter 11: For the director of music. Of David.

You’re probably wondering why I’ve switched from the middle of 1 Samuel to what appears to be a random chapter in the book of Psalms.  My goal in discussing each chapter of the Bible is to go in chronological order.  Several chapters in Psalms focus on David, so for a while into the future I’ll be switching back and forth between 1 Samuel and Psalms.

“In the Lord I take refuge.” – Psalms 11:1

Really?  You take refuge in a murderous and conceited god?

“The Lord is in his holy temple; the Lord is on his heavenly throne.” – Psalms 11:4

A god who murders, rapes, and takes over human bodies to do these deeds for him is holy and heavenly?

“He observes everyone on earth; his eyes examine them.” – Psalms 11:4

So God observes children being raped, children dying painful deaths, children suffering from bone cancer and yet sits and does nothing?  That’s not love.

“The Lord examines the righteous, but the wicked, those who love violence, he hates with a passion.” – Psalms 11:5

As we’ve learned in previous chapters, it doesn’t take much for God to hate you with a passion.  Touch his stuff and he hates you.  Eat the wrong animal and he hates you.  Break one tiny rule on how many days you are unclean and he hates you.  I do agree with one thing in this verse.  God certainly hates with a passion.

“For the Lord is righteous, he loves justice; the upright will see his face.” – Psalms 11:7

Is it righteous and just to allow innocent children and babies to be murdered and raped?  Is it righteous and just to punish generation after generation for the deeds of their ancestors?  No, it is not.  Therefore God is not righteous and just.

Psalms 11 was a short chapter in which David said wonderful things about God.  Unfortunately, none of these wonderful things is true.  Oh wait, the part about God hating with a passion is true, so give David credit for that!

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 59:  For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam. When Saul had sent men to watch David’s house in order to kill him.

1 Samuel – Chapter 20: David and Jonathan

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel God de-robed Saul so he could see him naked.  Yes, that actually happened!  This chapter, 1 Samuel 20, starts with David in fear of his life as Saul tries to kill him.  David runs to Jonathan asking for help and support in avoiding death.

“But if my father intends to harm you, may the Lord deal with Jonathan, be it ever so severely, if I do not let you know and send you away in peace.” – 1 Samuel 20:13

Why is Jonathan asking to be punished if Saul is the one who intends to harm David?

“But show me unfailing kindness like the Lord’s kindness as long as I live, so that I may not be killed, and do not ever cut off your kindness from my family—not even when the Lord has cut off every one of David’s enemies from the face of the earth.” – 1 Samuel 20:14-15

The Lord’s kindness?  The kindness of raping and killing innocent women, children, and babies?  That kindness?  Jesus disagrees as well.  In the New Testament Jesus makes it very clear you are to cut off your family to follow him.  Given Christians believe Jesus is God, God makes it very clear he has no interest in kindness, in particular kindness to one’s family.

“Saul said nothing that day, for he thought, ‘Something must have happened to David to make him ceremonially unclean—surely he is unclean.’” – 1 Samuel 20:26

Given all the rules earlier in the Bible God hands down, David could have done a thousand things to make him ceremonially unclean.

“But the next day, the second day of the month, David’s place was empty again. Then Saul said to his son Jonathan, ‘Why hasn’t the son of Jesse come to the meal, either yesterday or today?’” – 1 Samuel 20:27

Calm down Saul.  Half of God’s rules on being unclean leave one unclean for several days!  Be patient!  🙂

“Saul’s anger flared up at Jonathan and he said to him, ‘You son of a perverse and rebellious woman!’” – 1 Samuel 20:30

More misogyny.  Saul uses the idea that women are evil in the eyes of God to call Jonathan a bad name.

“’Why should he be put to death? What has he done?’ Jonathan asked his father. But Saul hurled his spear at him to kill him. Then Jonathan knew that his father intended to kill David.” – 1 Samuel 20:32-33

Saul really sucks at throwing a spear.  This is at least the third time Saul has thrown a spear at someone in close quarters with the intent to kill.  How hard is it to impale someone with your spear from what is probably 2-3 feet away?

“Jonathan got up from the table in fierce anger; on that second day of the feast he did not eat, because he was grieved at his father’s shameful treatment of David.” – 1 Samuel 20:34

Oh come on.  That is certainly NOT the reason Jonathan is mad.  Jonathan is mad because Saul just tried to kill him with a mother fucking spear!

After this Jonathan goes to David to inform him of what he discovered and that ends the chapter.  Saul is very mad in this chapter and has intentions of killing David and tried to kill Jonathan.  However, don’t make Saul to be the bad guy here.  We learned in previous chapters that God took over Saul’s body, hardening his heart, just like God hardened the hearts of the Egyptians.  God is the one trying to kill David.  God is the one who tried to kill Jonathan. God is the bad guy in this story.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 11: For the director of music. Of David.

1 Samuel 18:26-27

It’s time for another weekly edition of Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday.  I’ve already pulled several verses from the book of 1 Samuel, but here’s another that is perfect for today’s crazy bible verse.  This one comes from the story of David.

“When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.” – 1 Samuel 18:26-27

Picture this in your head.  David goes running out into battle, cuts of the dick tip of Philistine after Philistine until he has 200 dick tips.  Then he returns them to the king in exchange for a bride.  Image how the bride feels?  She was just purchased for dick tips.  DICK TIPS!?!?!?!  And how the hell could the Philistines not stop David?  I suppose they were dead now that I think about it.  Initially I had pictured David de-robing the Philistines in the middle of battle and de-dick tipping them in the middle of a sword fight.  ROFL!

This is a set of ridiculous verses that should make anyone reading them stop and think for a moment and ask, did this really happen?  Of course it didn’t really happen!  Even in biblical times filled with misogyny the idea of buying a bride for 200 foreskins is ridiculous!!!

1 Samuel – Chapter 19: Saul Tries to Kill David

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel, 1 Samuel 18, David chopped of the dick tips of 200 Philistines and traded them in for a wife.  I KID YOU NOT!!!  The Bible really says this!  Wow!  Can this chapter, 1 Samuel 19, top that in crazy?  I have no doubt there will be crazy, but crazier than chopping off 200 dick tips and trading them in for a wife?  That’s a tough task!  This chapter begins with Saul wanting David killed.  Jonathan, David’s co-star in the gay porn movie discussed in the previous chapter, warns David.

“The Lord won a great victory for all Israel, and you saw it and were glad.” – 1 Samuel 19:5

Once again, the Bible makes it clear the Lord supports all of the killing in the Bible.

“But an evil spirit from the Lord came on Saul as he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand. While David was playing the lyre, Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape.” – 1 Samuel 19:9-10

This is the second time God has invaded Saul’s body and tried to kill David.  Saul did not try to kill David.  God did.  God is the attempted killer in this story.

“So Saul went to Naioth at Ramah. But the Spirit of God came even on him, and he walked along prophesying until he came to Naioth. He stripped off his garments, and he too prophesied in Samuel’s presence. He lay naked all that day and all that night. This is why people say, ‘Is Saul also among the prophets?’” – 1 Samuel 19:23-24

These are the last two verses in this chapter and two of the craziest.  We already know God has no problem taking over someone’s body to do evil.  In this case, however, God takes over Saul’s body and strips him naked.  Um…what the fuck God?  You’re all-powerful.  If you want to see a naked man, can’t you just see through clothes?  Why the need to take over a body and strip it naked for all to see?  Weird.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 20:  David and Jonathan

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1 Samuel – Chapter 18: Saul’s Growing Fear of David

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel we read about the story of David and Goliath.  Goliath was a huge giant (that never existed for obvious reasons, starting with no evidence in the fossil record of giants) and David was a smaller man.  David wins by flinging a small stone at Goliath that brings him down.  The chapter ends with the Israelites waging war on the Philistines and killing thousands, including women, children, and babies.  But don’t you forget that this is a LOVING god.  🙂  Let’s see what 1 Samuel 18 has in store for us.

“Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.” – 1 Samuel 18:5

This sounds like the start of a bad, gay porn movie.

“Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. ‘They have credited David with tens of thousands,’ he thought, ‘but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?’” – 1 Samuel 18:8

Saul is clearly jealous of David.   I have two problems with this.  First, Saul’s emotions are the direct cause of God.  God had control of Saul’s heart and later said bad times would come to Saul.  Saul is jealous as a result of God’s meddling.  Second, the Bible argues that whoever kills more people is a better person.  Seriously?  This is a book of morals?

“The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it, saying to himself, ‘I’ll pin David to the wall.’ But David eluded him twice.” – 1 Samuel 18:10-11

Don’t blame Saul.  God is doing this to Saul.  Saul has no control over his emotions and actions.  God is the one trying to kill David in this story.

“In everything he did he had great success, because the Lord was with him.” – 1 Samuel 18:14

Killing tens of thousands who aren’t attacking or bothering you is considered a success in the Bible?  Again, this is a book of morals?  Notice that David has success because the Lord is with him.  God is the cause of this death and destruction.

“Saul said to David, ‘Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the Lord.’” – 1 Samuel 18:17

Once again women are treated as property in the Bible.  They are not considered human beings with equal rights.  Saul offers a second daughter to David.  David’s response?

“But David said, ‘Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.’” – 1 Samuel 18:23

David doesn’t reject Saul’s daughters out of respect to the daughters.  He rejects them because he doesn’t consider himself worthy.  Don’t think David has the women in mind when he makes this decision.  He does it for himself.

“Saul replied, ‘Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’’” – 1 Samuel 18:25

ROFL!  Think about how the daughter feels.  She’s being sold for 100 dick tips!  ROFL!!!

“When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.” – 1 Samuel 18:26-27

OMFG!!!  Picture this in your head.  David goes out into battle, kills 200 men, cuts off the tip of their dicks, then returns them in exchange for a bride.  David is such a nice guy that he buys the daughter for 200 dick tips instead of the asking price of 100 dick tips.  ROFL!!!!

That concludes 1 Samuel 18.  ROFL!  This chapter is amazing in that it is s so ridiculous that I can’t believe Christians believe this stuff.  How can you believe in a god that supports a man running around cutting off the dick tips of corpses?  You could make a movie out of this!  David, with God supporting him, runs around cutting off dick tips, and exchanges them for a bride.  ROFL!!!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 19:  Saul Tries to Kill David

1 Samuel – Chapter 17: David and Goliath

1 Samuel 17 brings us one of the more famous stories in the Bible.  Like the story of Noah and the Ark, most people have heard of the story of David and Goliath.  It’s the classic underdog beats the favorite theme that people love in movies and in sporting events.

“A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp. His height was six cubits and a span.” – 1 Samuel 17:4

That’s equivalent to 9 feet 9 inches tall.  That’s quite tall, but also impossible.  The tallest human ever, Robert Wadlow, was 8 feet 11 inches tall.  Very tall, for sure, but a full ten inches shorter than Goliath.  He was tall for a reason.  He had hyperplasia of the pituitary gland.  He died at the age of 22 (Goliath is described as being much older).  He needed leg braces to walk and had very little feeling in his legs.  He certainly didn’t have the mobility of a warrior.  There is also no fossil evidence of giants living a few thousand years ago.  In other words, this is a made up story with no truth to it at all, just like the rest of the Bible.

“On hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified.” – 1 Samuel 17:11

Why?  Isn’t God mighty enough to defeat Goliath?  Even if God runs in fear, do a mass attack.  Goliath may be nearly 10 feet tall, but a group of Israelites could easily defeat him.  It’s a stupid war tactic to try to defeat Goliath in a one on one battle.

“For forty days the Philistine came forward every morning and evening and took his stand.” – 1 Samuel 17:16

They did this for forty days!!!  Sigh.

“Now the Israelites had been saying, ‘Do you see how this man keeps coming out? He comes out to defy Israel. The king will give great wealth to the man who kills him. He will also give him his daughter in marriage and will exempt his family from taxes in Israel.’” – 1 Samuel 17:25

Once again, the Bible considers women property.  The daughter has no choice in the matter.

“David asked the men standing near him, ‘What will be done for the man who kills this Philistine and removes this disgrace from Israel? Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?’” – 1 Samuel 17:26

Ah, so it boils down to Goliath not having chopped off the tip of his dick.  Good to know.

“But David said to Saul, ‘Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it.’” – 1 Samuel 17:34-35

ROFL!  For starters, if you are pulling a sheep from the mouth of a lion, you are pulling out a corpse.  Secondly, grabbing a lion/bear by the hair?  LOL!  Give me a break!

“David said to the Philistine, ‘You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.’” – 1 Samuel 17:45

This is the same god who has been conveniently absent in this story.

“As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.  Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.” – 1 Samuel 17:48-49

Could a stone kill a man?  Sure, with enough speed the stone could strike with enough force to crack the skull and cause internal brain injury.  There’s nothing wrong with the method by which Goliath died.  Did the stone “sink” into Goliath’s forehead?  No, because that’s not how the physics works.  The stone is not a fast speeding bullet.  It’s moving at a much slower speed and is certainly larger than a bullet.  The stone will bounce off.

“After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword.” – 1 Samuel 17:51

God always wants you to cut the head off your victim.

“Then the men of Israel and Judah surged forward with a shout and pursued the Philistines to the entrance of Gath and to the gates of Ekron. Their dead were strewn along the Shaaraim road to Gath and Ekron. When the Israelites returned from chasing the Philistines, they plundered their camp.” – 1 Samuel 17:52:53

More death and destruction at the hands of God.  How many women and children were killed this time?  We don’t know, but the entire camp was destroyed, so let’s assume at a minimum thousands were killed.

That concludes the story of David and Goliath, clearly a fictional story, like most, if not all in the Bible, that contains no truth.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 18:  Saul’s Growing Fear of David