1 Samuel – Chapter 18: Saul’s Growing Fear of David

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel we read about the story of David and Goliath.  Goliath was a huge giant (that never existed for obvious reasons, starting with no evidence in the fossil record of giants) and David was a smaller man.  David wins by flinging a small stone at Goliath that brings him down.  The chapter ends with the Israelites waging war on the Philistines and killing thousands, including women, children, and babies.  But don’t you forget that this is a LOVING god.  🙂  Let’s see what 1 Samuel 18 has in store for us.

“Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.” – 1 Samuel 18:5

This sounds like the start of a bad, gay porn movie.

“Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. ‘They have credited David with tens of thousands,’ he thought, ‘but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?’” – 1 Samuel 18:8

Saul is clearly jealous of David.   I have two problems with this.  First, Saul’s emotions are the direct cause of God.  God had control of Saul’s heart and later said bad times would come to Saul.  Saul is jealous as a result of God’s meddling.  Second, the Bible argues that whoever kills more people is a better person.  Seriously?  This is a book of morals?

“The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it, saying to himself, ‘I’ll pin David to the wall.’ But David eluded him twice.” – 1 Samuel 18:10-11

Don’t blame Saul.  God is doing this to Saul.  Saul has no control over his emotions and actions.  God is the one trying to kill David in this story.

“In everything he did he had great success, because the Lord was with him.” – 1 Samuel 18:14

Killing tens of thousands who aren’t attacking or bothering you is considered a success in the Bible?  Again, this is a book of morals?  Notice that David has success because the Lord is with him.  God is the cause of this death and destruction.

“Saul said to David, ‘Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the Lord.’” – 1 Samuel 18:17

Once again women are treated as property in the Bible.  They are not considered human beings with equal rights.  Saul offers a second daughter to David.  David’s response?

“But David said, ‘Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.’” – 1 Samuel 18:23

David doesn’t reject Saul’s daughters out of respect to the daughters.  He rejects them because he doesn’t consider himself worthy.  Don’t think David has the women in mind when he makes this decision.  He does it for himself.

“Saul replied, ‘Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’’” – 1 Samuel 18:25

ROFL!  Think about how the daughter feels.  She’s being sold for 100 dick tips!  ROFL!!!

“When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.” – 1 Samuel 18:26-27

OMFG!!!  Picture this in your head.  David goes out into battle, kills 200 men, cuts off the tip of their dicks, then returns them in exchange for a bride.  David is such a nice guy that he buys the daughter for 200 dick tips instead of the asking price of 100 dick tips.  ROFL!!!!

That concludes 1 Samuel 18.  ROFL!  This chapter is amazing in that it is s so ridiculous that I can’t believe Christians believe this stuff.  How can you believe in a god that supports a man running around cutting off the dick tips of corpses?  You could make a movie out of this!  David, with God supporting him, runs around cutting off dick tips, and exchanges them for a bride.  ROFL!!!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 19:  Saul Tries to Kill David

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