Genesis 5:27

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday!!!  I know, it’s a bit unfair pulling a verse from the book of Genesis since most of it is absurd through and through, but I can’t help myself.

“Altogether, Methuselah lived a total of 969 years, and then he died.” – Genesis 5:27

Methuselah lived 969 years old, the oldest person in the Bible.  I will give the Bible a bit of credit on one thing.  Methuselah is the grandfather of Noah and therefore lived before God made his pact with Noah stating no one will ever live past 120 years.  There are several instances of Biblical characters living longer than 120 years after the time of Noah, proving God a liar, but Methuselah was not one of them.

That doesn’t, however, excuse the crazy.  969 years!!!  Give me a break!  At a time with lower quality health care a person lives 8 times longer than the oldest humans live today in a time of greater health care?  Come on!  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Bible would be much more believable if the absolute crazy were taken out.  Why 969 years?  Make it 95 and it’s more believable!  I suppose humans have disappointed God so much he doesn’t let them live longer.  Yeah, right.  🙂

2 Samuel – Chapter 4

The bloodlust and murder continued in our last chapter of 2 Samuel and by the title of this chapter, we get another dose of it!  God loves murder and he’s going to make sure you do too!

“When Ish-Bosheth son of Saul heard that Abner had died in Hebron, he lost courage, and all Israel became alarmed.” – 2 Samuel 4:1

And he should!  Although David did not order Abner’s death, David is clearly an unstable person!  Who knows what he could do under God’s guidance?!?!

“(Jonathan son of Saul had a son who was lame in both feet. He was five years old when the news about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she hurried to leave, he fell and became disabled. His name was Mephibosheth.)” – 2 Samuel 4:4

I love that the NIV version of the Bible has this in parenthesis.  So there’s a 5 year old lame in both feet, but now he’s more disabled because his nurse fell while carrying him?  WTF?  Why is this even mentioned?!?!?!

“Now Rekab and Baanah, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, set out for the house of Ish-Bosheth, and they arrived there in the heat of the day while he was taking his noonday rest. 6 They went into the inner part of the house as if to get some wheat, and they stabbed him in the stomach.” – 2 Samuel 4:5-6

By now you’d think people would start wearing some type of armor around their stomachs given the number of stomach stabbing taking place?!?!

“They had gone into the house while he was lying on the bed in his bedroom. After they stabbed and killed him, they cut off his head. Taking it with them, they traveled all night by way of the Arabah. They brought the head of Ish-Bosheth to David at Hebron and said to the king, ‘Here is the head of Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, your enemy, who tried to kill you. This day the Lord has avenged my lord the king against Saul and his offspring.’” – 2 Samuel 4:7-8

Wow!  This is so messed up.  They chopped off his head and carried it around!?!?

“How much more—when wicked men have killed an innocent man in his own house and on his own bed—should I not now demand his blood from your hand and rid the earth of you!” – 2 Samuel 4:11

David is not happy with the be-heading and good for him!

“So David gave an order to his men, and they killed them. They cut off their hands and feet and hung the bodies by the pool in Hebron.” – 2 Samuel 4:12

Unfortunately David carries the crazy even farther!  Yikes!  Cut off their hands and feet and hung them by a pool!  This is so messed up!  The moral in all of this?  God loves you!  J

Wow, was this chapter messed up.  Brutal murder followed by corpse mutilation was the theme.  Biblical moral values for you.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 6:  For the director of music. With stringed instruments. According to sheminith.  A psalm of David.

600th Post!!!

Happy Sunday everyone!  I hope your Sunday morning is filled with sleeping in, coffee and a good book, or going to a movie when prices are cheaper…or all three!!!  Since leaving religion in 2013 I’m loving my Sunday mornings!  So very relaxing!

This is my 600th post on this blog.  Hard to believe I’ve covered several books of the Bible already and written 600 blog posts.  I officially declared myself an Atheist about 2.5 years ago.  In that time I’ve become much more skeptical of claims lacking evidence.  I’ve become much more vocal and active in church state separation.  But most importantly, I’m a much happier person!!!

2 Samuel – Chapter 3: Abner Goes Over to David

The story of David becoming king continues in 2 Samuel 3.

“The war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a long time. David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker.” – 2 Samuel 3:1

And the killing continues while God continues to jerk himself off high up in the clouds.  God gets off on killing.

“Now Saul had had a concubine named Rizpah daughter of Aiah. And Ish-Bosheth said to Abner, ‘Why did you sleep with my father’s concubine?’ Abner was very angry because of what Ish-Bosheth said. So he answered, ‘Am I a dog’s head—on Judah’s side? This very day I am loyal to the house of your father Saul and to his family and friends. I haven’t handed you over to David. Yet now you accuse me of an offense involving this woman! May God deal with Abner, be it ever so severely, if I do not do for David what the Lord promised him on oath and transfer the kingdom from the house of Saul and establish David’s throne over Israel and Judah from Dan to Beersheba.’ Ish-Bosheth did not dare to say another word to Abner, because he was afraid of him.” – 2 Samuel 3:7-11

An odd exchange to say the least.  There’s actually no need to include a concubine in this exchange.  It’s almost as if the Bible wants to continue to throw jabs at women.  It’s okay for men to have concubines and sleep with women, but wrong for women to do the same.

“Then David sent messengers to Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, demanding, ‘Give me my wife Michal, whom I betrothed to myself for the price of a hundred Philistine foreskins.’” – 2 Samuel 3:14

Every women falls over in love when she is sold for 100 foreskins.

“So Ish-Bosheth gave orders and had her taken away from her husband Paltiel son of Laish.” – 2 Samuel 3:15

Traditional biblical marriage.  Stolen from your husband and forced to wed another man.  Nice one God.  So moral of you.

“Now when Abner returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside into an inner chamber, as if to speak with him privately. And there, to avenge the blood of his brother Asahel, Joab stabbed him in the stomach, and he died.” – 2 Samuel 3:27

More death.  More blood.  An all-knowing God could easily have solved this problem with less murder and less blood.

“Later, when David heard about this, he said, ‘I and my kingdom are forever innocent before the Lord concerning the blood of Abner son of Ner. May his blood fall on the head of Joab and on his whole family! May Joab’s family never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.’” – 2 Samuel 3:28-29

Let’s start with the good.  David calling out Joab is good.  Joab clearly did not have David’s blessing to kill Abner.  However, why is Joab’s family being punished for deeds they did not commit?  This is once again a problem of punishing those who are innocent.  An all-knowing god should know this!!!

“but David took an oath, saying, “May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I taste bread or anything else before the sun sets!” – 2 Samuel 3:35

Because that makes sense.  SMH!

“All the people took note and were pleased; indeed, everything the king did pleased them. So on that day all the people there and all Israel knew that the king had no part in the murder of Abner son of Ner.” – 2 Samuel 3:36-37

The Israelites are pleased that David isn’t eating?  Because he’s not eating his not part of Abner’s murder?  WTF?  These people lack all ability to think critically!

“May the Lord repay the evildoer according to his evil deeds!” – 2 Samuel 3:39

If only God were to apply David’s request above to himself!  The biggest evildoer of them all is God!!!

That concludes 2 Samuel 3.  Quite a few interesting things discussed, including foreskins and stealing a woman from her husband to be forced into a marriage to another man.  You know, because traditional biblical marriage is the only way to go!  David gets one thing right in condemning Abner’s murder, but then botches it one verse later by punishing innocents in Joab’s family instead of just Joab himself.  Then again, punishing Joab would be no fun unless you also get to punish his innocent children!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 4:  Ish-Bosheth Murdered

2 Samuel – Chapter 2: David Anointed King Over Judah

David now knows Saul is officially dead and is soon to be anointed king.  Let’s jump right into 2 Samuel 2.

“So David went up thither, and his two wives also, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail Nabal’s wife the Carmelite.” – 2 Samuel 2:2

The classic example of “traditional marriage”.  Two wives are okay!!!

“Ish-Bosheth son of Saul was forty years old when he became king over Israel, and he reigned two years. The tribe of Judah, however, remained loyal to David. The length of time David was king in Hebron over Judah was seven years and six months.” – 2 Samuel 2:10-11

It’s important to note that David did not immediately become king of Israel.  It took some time.

“Then Abner said to Joab, ‘Let’s have some of the young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us.’” – 2 Samuel 2:14

Abner is the spokesperson for Is-Bosheth and Joab is the spokesperson for David.  To me this is another of many what the fuck moments in the Bible.  Let’s have some young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us?  Seriously?

“Then each man grabbed his opponent by the head and thrust his dagger into his opponent’s side, and they fell down together.” – 2 Samuel 2:16

ROFL!!!  For crying out loud!  They all stand up and just shove a dagger into each other at the same time and fall down?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

“The battle that day was very fierce, and Abner and the Israelites were defeated by David’s men.” – 2 Samuel 2:17

Apparently after the shoving of knives into sides ceremony there was a battle.  Just wanted to make that clear to everyone.  🙂

“The three sons of Zeruiah were there: Joab, Abishai and Asahel. Now Asahel was as fleet-footed as a wild gazelle. He chased Abner, turning neither to the right nor to the left as he pursued him. Abner looked behind him and asked, ‘Is that you, Asahel?’ ‘It is,’ he answered. Then Abner said to him, ‘Turn aside to the right or to the left; take on one of the young men and strip him of his weapons.’ But Asahel would not stop chasing him. Again Abner warned Asahel, ‘Stop chasing me! Why should I strike you down? How could I look your brother Joab in the face?’ But Asahel refused to give up the pursuit; so Abner thrust the butt of his spear into Asahel’s stomach, and the spear came out through his back. He fell there and died on the spot. And every man stopped when he came to the place where Asahel had fallen and died.” – 2 Samuel 2:17-23

This story is insane.  Two people running after each other and then all of a sudden one turns and stabs a spear that the Bible makes very clear goes out the person’s back.  Bloodlust much?

“Abner called out to Joab, ‘Must the sword devour forever? Don’t you realize that this will end in bitterness? How long before you order your men to stop pursuing their fellow Israelites?’ Joab answered, ‘As surely as God lives, if you had not spoken, the men would have continued pursuing them until morning.’ So Joab blew the trumpet, and all the troops came to a halt; they no longer pursued Israel, nor did they fight anymore.” – 2 Samuel 2:26-28

This is completely nonsensical.  That’s all it took for Joab to stop his army?  If that’s the case, what was the purpose of the battle in the first place.

“But David’s men had killed three hundred and sixty Benjamites who were with Abner.” – 2 Samuel 2:31

Wow!  David’s men kill over 3,000 men, making the story even more insane.  Thousands of men were killed in a battle that was stopped by someone simply saying please stop chasing me and the chasing side saying okay.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

2 Samuel 2 is excellent evidence of how nonsensical the Bible is and how it should NEVER be used as a guide of morality.  Two sides are warring and more people are dying.  Why are they warring?  Hard to tell.  If there was a real, legitimate reason for the war, the war would not have stopped simply because one side said please stop chasing us.  It is clear this war was unjustified.  And where is God?  Up in the clouds jerking off while he watches the bloodshed.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 3:  Abner Goes Over to David

1 Timothy 6:20-21

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday verse comes from the book of 1 Timothy in the New Testament.

“Timothy, guard what has been entrusted to your care. Turn away from godless chatter and the opposing ideas of what is falsely called knowledge, which some have professed and in so doing have departed from the faith.” – 1 Timothy 6:20-21

The King James Version specifically mentions science.

“O Timothy, keep that which is committed to thy trust, avoiding profane and vain babblings, and oppositions of science falsely so called: Which some professing have erred concerning the faith.” – 1 Timothy 6:20-21 (KJV)

Now why would the authors of the Bible tell you to ignore what science shows and state that science is false?  Oh yeah, because science shows the absurdity of most stories in the Bible.  If people listen to science, they’ll no longer believe the Bible and will no longer be under the control of the few select men in power trying to control the masses.

The Bible tells us a massive flood killed everyone except for 7 people (might be off by one or two here, but the point is still valid) that re-populated the Earth.  The Bible tells us two people populated the world in a different story (told two different ways mind you!).  Both stories require incestuous relationships to re-populate the Earth.  Science finds no evidence of a flood and common sense says two people can’t populate a planet.  The Bible doesn’t want you to believe this so it tells you science is evil and will send you to hell.  What do you think?  As for myself, I’m not listening to the delirious delusions of a few mad men in ancient times looking to gain power and rule over the masses.

2 Samuel – Chapter 1: David Hears of Saul’s Death

I have to admit being a bit excited each time I start a new book.  Typically the previous book was getting old so I’m always looking forward to the next book, although the pattern of death, destruction, blood, killing of innocents, and misogyny continues.  Maybe that’s why I’m dragging when I near the end of a book.  2 Samuel isn’t really a new book (technically it is) since it’s simply continuation of 1 Samuel.  2 Samuel begins with David learning of Saul’s death.

“Then David said to the young man who brought him the report, ‘How do you know that Saul and his son Jonathan are dead?’” – 2 Samuel 1:5

A rare moment of critical thinking on David’s part.  Too bad there’s not more.

“So I stood beside him and killed him (Saul), because I knew that after he had fallen he could not survive. And I took the crown that was on his head and the band on his arm and have brought them here to my lord.” – 2 Samuel 1:10

Except that’s not what happened.  The last chapter of 1 Samuel tells us Saul killed himself.
“David said to the young man who brought him the report, ‘Where are you from?’ ‘I am the son of a foreigner, an Amalekite,’ he answered. David asked him, ‘Why weren’t you afraid to lift your hand to destroy the Lord’s anointed?’ Then David called one of his men and said, ‘Go, strike him down!’ So he struck him down, and he died. For David had said to him, ‘Your blood be on your own head. Your own mouth testified against you when you said, ‘I killed the Lord’s anointed.’” – 2 Samuel 1:13-16

What the fuck?!?! Yes, this man lied to David on what happened.  However, the man WAS afraid to kill Saul and didn’t.  If God is all knowing than God knows this!!!  Yet God allows David and his men to kill the messenger.  Again.  What…the…fuck!?!?!?!  David next gives a lament to Saul and Jonathan (Saul’s son).

“Tell it not in Gath, proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon, lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice.” – 2 Samuel 1:20

Once again, women are always at felt according to the Bible.

“Saul and Jonathan—in life they were loved and admired, and in death they were not parted.” – 2 Samuel 1:23

Saul was controlled by God and killed many people.  He wasn’t loved nor admired.  Maybe by those doing the killing, but those who were innocent certainly did not love Saul.

An interesting start to the book of 2 Samuel.  I find the story of David having his men kill the messenger of Saul’s death extremely disturbing.  Yes, the man lied, but he was actually killed for claiming to not kill someone else!!!  As I said above, if God is all-knowing, God knew the man was afraid to kill Saul, yet God still allows David to have the man killed.  A just god?  Nope.  An asshole god?  Yep!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 2:  David Anointed King Over Judah

Introduction to 2 Samuel

The second book of Samuel picks up where the first book ended, with Saul’s death.  Samuel bit the dust in the first book and Saul bit the dust near the end of the second book.  2 Samuel starts with David learning of the death of Saul, which essentially means David is now king of Israel.  As with most biblical chapters, no one really knows who wrote them, but that hasn’t stopped people from trying.  Most of 1 Samuel is credited to Samuel but there’s no real evidence that Samuel of the Bible ever existed, as is true with pretty much all of the Old Testament.  The latter part of 1 Samuel and all of 2 Samuel is credited by some to be written by the prophets Gad and Nathan, but again there is no evidence and much dispute.

So what should we expect in 2 Samuel?  We will see David officially announced king of Israel.  We will see more battles and victories by David.  We will see more blood and death and murdering of innocents, including women, children, and babies.  We will see promises by God to David.  We will also see the start of the line of ancestry to Jesus in the New Testament.  Basically we will learn that we are all more moral than David and God.  Along the way I’ll be switching back and forth between 2 Samuel, Psalms, and 1 Chronicles.  Much of Psalms is David praising God and much of 1 Chronicles involves David, so it makes sense to discuss these chapters at the same time.

You know you can’t wait!!!  🙂

Recap of 1 Samuel

Before starting 2 Samuel, let me do a quick recap of what we learned in 1 Samuel.  1 Samuel starts out with the birth of Samuel.  Samuel is a prophet whose sole purpose in the Bible seems to be to anoint Saul as king of the Israelites.  God has Samuel anoint Saul but God quickly takes over Saul’s body making him do bad things.  Yeah, I don’t get it either, but that’s the way God rolls.  He’s supposedly all-powerful, but can only push his agenda by hardening hearts and forcing what may be good people into doing horrible things.

1 Samuel also introduces us to David who will eventually lead the Israelites, but not in this book.  David ends up killing a giant, Goliath, with a single stone.  Later he turns into a stone cold killer and cuts off the penis tips of the Philistines.  Not once.  Not twice.  Hundreds of times!  Seriously!  This is not a joke!

Eventually Saul and David breakup and God tries to force Saul into killing David.  God is not very good at this and is unable to cause David’s death.  Not that God was really trying to kill David.  It’s some sort of sick story to elevate David’s role in biblical history.  David continues killing thousands, if not millions of people, including children and babies.  Saul ultimately meets his demise and kills himself before being killed.  The book ends there.  Saul is dead, but David isn’t officially king yet.

To sum it all up, lots of killing and lots of penis hacking.