2 Samuel – Chapter 2: David Anointed King Over Judah

David now knows Saul is officially dead and is soon to be anointed king.  Let’s jump right into 2 Samuel 2.

“So David went up thither, and his two wives also, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail Nabal’s wife the Carmelite.” – 2 Samuel 2:2

The classic example of “traditional marriage”.  Two wives are okay!!!

“Ish-Bosheth son of Saul was forty years old when he became king over Israel, and he reigned two years. The tribe of Judah, however, remained loyal to David. The length of time David was king in Hebron over Judah was seven years and six months.” – 2 Samuel 2:10-11

It’s important to note that David did not immediately become king of Israel.  It took some time.

“Then Abner said to Joab, ‘Let’s have some of the young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us.’” – 2 Samuel 2:14

Abner is the spokesperson for Is-Bosheth and Joab is the spokesperson for David.  To me this is another of many what the fuck moments in the Bible.  Let’s have some young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us?  Seriously?

“Then each man grabbed his opponent by the head and thrust his dagger into his opponent’s side, and they fell down together.” – 2 Samuel 2:16

ROFL!!!  For crying out loud!  They all stand up and just shove a dagger into each other at the same time and fall down?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

“The battle that day was very fierce, and Abner and the Israelites were defeated by David’s men.” – 2 Samuel 2:17

Apparently after the shoving of knives into sides ceremony there was a battle.  Just wanted to make that clear to everyone.  🙂

“The three sons of Zeruiah were there: Joab, Abishai and Asahel. Now Asahel was as fleet-footed as a wild gazelle. He chased Abner, turning neither to the right nor to the left as he pursued him. Abner looked behind him and asked, ‘Is that you, Asahel?’ ‘It is,’ he answered. Then Abner said to him, ‘Turn aside to the right or to the left; take on one of the young men and strip him of his weapons.’ But Asahel would not stop chasing him. Again Abner warned Asahel, ‘Stop chasing me! Why should I strike you down? How could I look your brother Joab in the face?’ But Asahel refused to give up the pursuit; so Abner thrust the butt of his spear into Asahel’s stomach, and the spear came out through his back. He fell there and died on the spot. And every man stopped when he came to the place where Asahel had fallen and died.” – 2 Samuel 2:17-23

This story is insane.  Two people running after each other and then all of a sudden one turns and stabs a spear that the Bible makes very clear goes out the person’s back.  Bloodlust much?

“Abner called out to Joab, ‘Must the sword devour forever? Don’t you realize that this will end in bitterness? How long before you order your men to stop pursuing their fellow Israelites?’ Joab answered, ‘As surely as God lives, if you had not spoken, the men would have continued pursuing them until morning.’ So Joab blew the trumpet, and all the troops came to a halt; they no longer pursued Israel, nor did they fight anymore.” – 2 Samuel 2:26-28

This is completely nonsensical.  That’s all it took for Joab to stop his army?  If that’s the case, what was the purpose of the battle in the first place.

“But David’s men had killed three hundred and sixty Benjamites who were with Abner.” – 2 Samuel 2:31

Wow!  David’s men kill over 3,000 men, making the story even more insane.  Thousands of men were killed in a battle that was stopped by someone simply saying please stop chasing me and the chasing side saying okay.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

2 Samuel 2 is excellent evidence of how nonsensical the Bible is and how it should NEVER be used as a guide of morality.  Two sides are warring and more people are dying.  Why are they warring?  Hard to tell.  If there was a real, legitimate reason for the war, the war would not have stopped simply because one side said please stop chasing us.  It is clear this war was unjustified.  And where is God?  Up in the clouds jerking off while he watches the bloodshed.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 3:  Abner Goes Over to David

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