2 Samuel – Chapter 3: Abner Goes Over to David

The story of David becoming king continues in 2 Samuel 3.

“The war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a long time. David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker.” – 2 Samuel 3:1

And the killing continues while God continues to jerk himself off high up in the clouds.  God gets off on killing.

“Now Saul had had a concubine named Rizpah daughter of Aiah. And Ish-Bosheth said to Abner, ‘Why did you sleep with my father’s concubine?’ Abner was very angry because of what Ish-Bosheth said. So he answered, ‘Am I a dog’s head—on Judah’s side? This very day I am loyal to the house of your father Saul and to his family and friends. I haven’t handed you over to David. Yet now you accuse me of an offense involving this woman! May God deal with Abner, be it ever so severely, if I do not do for David what the Lord promised him on oath and transfer the kingdom from the house of Saul and establish David’s throne over Israel and Judah from Dan to Beersheba.’ Ish-Bosheth did not dare to say another word to Abner, because he was afraid of him.” – 2 Samuel 3:7-11

An odd exchange to say the least.  There’s actually no need to include a concubine in this exchange.  It’s almost as if the Bible wants to continue to throw jabs at women.  It’s okay for men to have concubines and sleep with women, but wrong for women to do the same.

“Then David sent messengers to Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, demanding, ‘Give me my wife Michal, whom I betrothed to myself for the price of a hundred Philistine foreskins.’” – 2 Samuel 3:14

Every women falls over in love when she is sold for 100 foreskins.

“So Ish-Bosheth gave orders and had her taken away from her husband Paltiel son of Laish.” – 2 Samuel 3:15

Traditional biblical marriage.  Stolen from your husband and forced to wed another man.  Nice one God.  So moral of you.

“Now when Abner returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside into an inner chamber, as if to speak with him privately. And there, to avenge the blood of his brother Asahel, Joab stabbed him in the stomach, and he died.” – 2 Samuel 3:27

More death.  More blood.  An all-knowing God could easily have solved this problem with less murder and less blood.

“Later, when David heard about this, he said, ‘I and my kingdom are forever innocent before the Lord concerning the blood of Abner son of Ner. May his blood fall on the head of Joab and on his whole family! May Joab’s family never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.’” – 2 Samuel 3:28-29

Let’s start with the good.  David calling out Joab is good.  Joab clearly did not have David’s blessing to kill Abner.  However, why is Joab’s family being punished for deeds they did not commit?  This is once again a problem of punishing those who are innocent.  An all-knowing god should know this!!!

“but David took an oath, saying, “May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I taste bread or anything else before the sun sets!” – 2 Samuel 3:35

Because that makes sense.  SMH!

“All the people took note and were pleased; indeed, everything the king did pleased them. So on that day all the people there and all Israel knew that the king had no part in the murder of Abner son of Ner.” – 2 Samuel 3:36-37

The Israelites are pleased that David isn’t eating?  Because he’s not eating his not part of Abner’s murder?  WTF?  These people lack all ability to think critically!

“May the Lord repay the evildoer according to his evil deeds!” – 2 Samuel 3:39

If only God were to apply David’s request above to himself!  The biggest evildoer of them all is God!!!

That concludes 2 Samuel 3.  Quite a few interesting things discussed, including foreskins and stealing a woman from her husband to be forced into a marriage to another man.  You know, because traditional biblical marriage is the only way to go!  David gets one thing right in condemning Abner’s murder, but then botches it one verse later by punishing innocents in Joab’s family instead of just Joab himself.  Then again, punishing Joab would be no fun unless you also get to punish his innocent children!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 4:  Ish-Bosheth Murdered

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