Psalms – Chapter 133: A song of ascents. Of David.

After a few chapters in 1 Chronicles, it’s time to move back to Psalms for a bit, starting with Psalms 133, a very short chapter.

“How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!” – Psalms 133:1

OMFG!  Yes, it is good and pleasant when people live together in unity.  This is world peace.  But as we have just read in previous chapters, God is raising armies to do the exact opposite!  God is raising armies to kill, murder, and rape.  God himself is the greatest deterrent to people living together in unity.

There are two more verses in this chapter (total of three verses in Psalms 133) but the meat and potatoes is the first verse.  I can’t believe the authors had the gall to write this.  Wow!  It’s so great to live in peace and unity?  Yeah, but your made-up god demands the opposite of his ‘creations’.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 106:  Untitled

Galatians 5:12

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday.  Today’s verse is not the direct words of Jesus, but those of Paul, who is described as fully devoted to Jesus and the spreading of Christianity.

“As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!” – Galatians 5:12

Wow, what a ‘Christian’ thing to say!  You wish those who disagree with you would emasculate themselves?  What does emasculate mean?  A more general meaning of emasculate is to weaken an individual.  That’s still not a pleasant thing to wish upon someone else for a simple disagreement, but emasculate in the Bible takes on a more severe meaning.  It means to castrate an individual.  What does castrate mean?  To castrate someone is to cut off or remove their testicles.  Yikes!

Don’t believe me when I say Paul wants to castrate individuals he disagrees with?  Some versions of the Bible specifically use ‘castrate’ in this verse.  Take the New Revised Standard Version of the Bible.

“I wish those who unsettle you would castrate themselves!” – Galatians 5:12 (NRSV)

A book of morals?  Only if you think it’s okay to castrate those you disagree with.  Then again, Christians as a group have been notorious for harming those they disagree with (crusades, LGBT community, removing health care services for women, etc.).

So yes, we can conclude Galatians 5:12 is filled with some crazy!

1 Chronicles – Chapter 12: Warriors Join David

This is post #666 on this blog.  😊  Maybe I’ll make this the very last post on this blog ever?  Hmmm.  That is a fitting end.  Nah…must keep going as there’s so much more silliness in the Bible to discuss.  In our last look in the Bible we were in 1 Chronicles discussing the ridiculous stories and killing taking place.  I stated it then, have already stated it many times, and will likely state it many more times, the Bible would be MUCH more believable if the stories themselves weren’t so far fetched.  Let’s jump in and see what 1 Chronicles 12 has in store for us.

“Some Gadites defected to David at his stronghold in the wilderness. They were brave warriors, ready for battle and able to handle the shield and spear.” – 1 Chronicles 12:8

This chapter started with genealogy.  The verse above shows us the continued desire by the authors of the Bible to show their bloodlust.  The people are described as warriors ready for battle.  What this really means is there are many warriors ready to kill in the name of the Lord.

“These Gadites were army commanders; the least was a match for a hundred, and the greatest for a thousand.” – 1 Chronicles 12:14

Here is the ridiculousness I mentioned a few paragraphs ago.  What is wrong with stating these commanders are trained warriors and leave it at that?  Why then go on to say the very least of them is a match for a hundred normal warriors?  It makes the story more ridiculous and less believable.  No man, no matter how great of a warrior, is a match for hundred men, let alone a thousand.

“Day after day men came to help David, until he had a great army, like the army of God.” – 1 Chronicles 12:22

Like the army of God?  You mean the ACTUAL army of God?  God has chosen David has his lackey and is using David and his men to kill in his name.  There’s either no god and this is the act of mortal men or God is a huge anger-filled jackass who demands the killing of his own creations.  I prefer the former.

The next several verses list the number of fighting men from each tribe, totaling approximately 378,000 fighting men.  Yet I doubt God’s bloodlust is satisfied.

“All these were fighting men who volunteered to serve in the ranks.” – 1 Chronicles 12:38

These were volunteer fighters?  ROFL!  There is NO WAY these hundreds of thousands of men are volunteers.  Not given the demands to follow God we’ve seen time and time again in the Bible.

That concludes 1 Chronicles 12.  God is building quite the army which really means that many, many people, including women and children, are about to die horrible, painful deaths.  In other words, a typical chapter in the Bible.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 133:  A song of ascents. Of David.

1 Chronicles – Chapter 14: David’s House and Family

The story of David and the Israelites continues in 1 Chronicles 14.  In the previous chapter, we learned that you never touch God’s stuff for God will kill you if you do.  That is actually what happened in 1 Chronicles 13!!!

“And David knew that the Lord had established him as king over Israel and that his kingdom had been highly exalted for the sake of his people Israel.” – 1 Chronicles 14:2

Well, except for that poor guy who touched God’s stuff and was killed by God!  He was not exalted.

“In Jerusalem David took more wives and became the father of more sons and daughters.” – 1 Chronicles 14:3

Ah, traditional biblical family values at their finest!  Multiple wives!

“David inquired of God: ‘Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hands?’ The Lord answered him, ‘Go, I will deliver them into your hands.’” – 1 Chronicles 14:10

More evidence God is filled with bloodlust.  He could easily stop the Philistines.  He is an all-powerful god after all.  Instead he chooses war.  How many innocents were killed in this battle?  We don’t know, but it is surely greater than zero.

“So David’s fame spread throughout every land, and the Lord made all the nations fear him.” – 1 Chronicles 14:17

Another example of God being a horrible parent.  Good parents don’t rule over their children by forcing them to fear them.  That’s child abuse.

That concludes this chapter of 1 Chronicles.  More evidence of God’s bloodlust and horrible parenting skills.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 15:  The Ark Brought to Jerusalem

1 Chronicles – Chapter 12: Warriors Join David

After briefly looking at 2 Samuel, we are back to 1 Chronicles.  Today’s chapter, 1 Chronicles 11 starts out with almost the exact same wording as 2 Samuel 5 from the other day.

“In the past, even while Saul was king, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord your God said to you, ‘You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.’” – 1 Chronicles 11:2

As I said in 2 Samuel 5, this is evidence against free will in the Bible.  God controls the people and they must obey his orders, including the killing of others.

“And David became more and more powerful, because the Lord Almighty was with him.” – 1 Chronicles 11:9

Same wording as 2 Samuel 5, further cementing God’s control of the situation.  In other words, no free will.

“Jashobeam, a Hakmonite, was chief of the officers; he raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter.” – 1 Chronicles 11:11

Three hundred men killed in one encounter with one man’s spear?  Bullshit.  Not possible.  The authors of the Bible could have made this more believable by saying five men which would have been equally impressive, or awful, depending on how you want to look at it.

“Benaiah son of Jehoiada, a valiant fighter from Kabzeel, performed great exploits. He struck down Moab’s two mightiest warriors. He also went down into a pit on a snowy day and killed a lion.” – 1 Chronicles 11:22

Okay, this is more believable.  Killing two men makes sense.  It’s humanly possible in a battle.  But then the authors throw in that, oh yeah, he followed that up by climbing into a snowy pit and killing a lion.  WTF?

“And he struck down an Egyptian who was five cubits tall.” – 1 Chronicles 11:23

Five cubits is seven and a half feet tall, so not impossible, but it comes across as stretching the truth.  What is wrong with the feat of killing two men?  Why throw in the lion and the tall Egyptian?  It makes it less and less believable.  What next?  And then they whipped out their dicks and his measured 8 feet long?

The rest of this chapter is a list of who begat who, so that does it for 1 Chronicles 11.  As I’ve said many times, the Bible would be much more believable if the stories weren’t so ridiculous.  Killing 300 men with one spear?  Ug.  Killing two men?  Okay, but don’t throw in a lion and a ridiculously tall dude too.  It’s as if the authors were in a pissing match about who could best out do who in outrageousness.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 12:  Warriors Join David

 

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 12:  Warriors Join Davi

2 Samuel – Chapter 5 – Verses 1 – 10: David Becomes King Over Israel

Today we move back to 2 Samuel.  If you’re new to reading this blog, I’m working on going through each chapter of the Bible in chronological order.  Samuel, Chronicles and Psalms all look at the story of David so there is a constant switching back and forth as we move through the Bible.  According to the chronological guide I am using, today’s chapter includes just the first ten verses.  The remaining verse take place after events discussed in other chapters of the Bible.  Let’s jump right into it.

“In the past, while Saul was king over us, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord said to you, ‘You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.’” – 2 Samuel 5:2

Christians are fond of arguing that God gave us free will to explain why there is still harm in this world.  Verses like this, however, in which God makes the choices, show the Bible says otherwise when it comes to free will.

“David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years.” – 2 Samuel 5:4

Wow!  Forty years of doing God’s dirty work.  Forty years of murder, rape, and killing of innocents.  All in the name of God.

“The king and his men marched to Jerusalem to attack the Jebusites, who lived there.” – 2 Samuel 5:6

Nowhere in the Bible is it stated why the Jebusites are to be attacked.  We are never given an explanation as to why other than it was the will of God.  Like I said.  David is here to do God’s dirty work.

“And he became more and more powerful, because the Lord God Almighty was with him.” – 2 Samuel 5:10

Again, it is fine to argue for free will, but only if you ignore what the Bible says on the matter.  David clearly has no free will.  God guides his every choice.

That concludes the first ten verses of this chapter.  It’s clear David has little choice in the matter as God has chosen him to lead the Israelites.  It’s not the free will of the people in the Bible.  It’s God’s choice.  God commands David to kill in his name and David does so without fighting back.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 11:  David Becomes King Over Israel