Psalm – Chapter 20: For the director of music. A psalm of David.

We just finished a few chapters in which David’s conquests (murders) are celebrated.  Now we move back to the book of Psalms for a few days, starting with Psalm 20.

“May he give you the desire of your heart and make all your plans succeed.” – Psalm 20:4

Even Christians know this isn’t true, unless of course, you apply the ‘God works in mysterious ways’ argument.

“May the Lord grant all your requests.” – Psalm 20:5

Let me get this straight.  God grants requests when it comes to war, but ignores the child dying of bone cancer?

“The Lord gives victory to his anointed.” – Psalm 20:6

Who is anointed?  The warmongers such as David, but not the kids dying of bone cancer.

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God.” – Psalm 20:7

A strong argument can be made that chariots and horses are more trustworthy than the god of the Bible.  This is the same god that killed all but seven of his human creations in a flood!  Is this really a being to be trusted?

So what did we learn in Psalm 20?  Apparently God is great, but he seems to only answer calls that relate to war and bloodshed.  On other matters he remains silent.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 65:  For the director of music. A psalm of David. A song.

2 Samuel 10:4 and 1 Chronicles 19:4

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday is just a tiny bit different in that it looks at two verses in separate chapters, 2 Samuel and 1 Chronicles.  The two chapters are very, very similar in nature and often have verses that are a direct copy.  I’ve selected two verses that start a story that is so ‘moral’ it was repeated twice in the Bible.  I discussed one of these chapters in yesterday’s post and the other chapter in last Friday’s post.

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved them, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 1 Chronicles 19:4

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved off half of each man’s beard, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 2 Samuel 10:4

The only difference in the two verses is the percentage of beard that was shaved off the men.  The part that I wish to point out is the taking of pants by one army from another.  Um, this is supposed to be a book of morals, according to Christians, yet the story of one army losing their pants is repeated twice!  Now that’s some crazy in the Bible.

It gets even crazier as David’s army then goes on to kill the army that took their pants!  Is killing the justified response to getting de-pants?  According to the Bible it is…TWICE!

1 Chronicles – Chapter 19: David Defeats the Ammonites

Today we move from 2 Samuel to 1 Chronicles.  As I’ve stated before, 1 Chronicles is very, very similar to 2 Samuel and in many/most verses an exact copy.  Today we look at Chapter 19 which is a copy of 2 Samuel 10, the chapter where we saw David’s army de-pants.  Yes, the story of one army having their pants taken away and then killing the other army as revenge was so good the authors of the Bible decided it needed repeating in a second chapter.  And yes, Christians believe the Bible they have never read is a book of morals.  Sigh.

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved them, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 1 Chronicles 19:4

Yes, if you are shaking your head, that is the correct response to reading this.

“But they fled before Israel, and David killed seven thousand of their charioteers and forty thousand of their foot soldiers. He also killed Shophak the commander of their army.” – 1 Chronicles 19:18

In case you thought 2 Samuel 10 was incorrect, this verse verifies that it wasn’t.  It is unbelievable that the Bible has a story (twice!) of one army losing their pants and then taking revenge and killing 47,000 people in the other army.  This story is so ‘moral’ that it’s in the Bible twice!  Twice!!!  Unbelievable!  Dear Christians:  Please READ the book you worship.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 20:  For the director of music. A psalm of David.

Hypocrite Much?

Today’s meme sums up Christians who make fun of other religions perfectly.

Cult

A couple of years ago I saw the play “Book of Mormon”.  Fantastic play! Had a fun time and several good laughs.  Most of the crowd was chuckling throughout the play as quite a bit of mocking the Mormon religion took place.  If the crowd was full of Atheists, I could understand this.  But how many Atheists were in the audience?  Statistically speaking, most of the crowd was Christian.  They laughed at the holy underwear, but turned around on Sunday morning and worshipped the son of a god who rapes a virgin and then gives a ‘virgin’ birth.

2 Samuel – Chapter 10: David Defeats the Ammonites

Today we move from Psalms back to 2 Samuel.  In this chapter David defeats the Ammonites, but let’s take a closer look at the details of this defeat.

“In the course of time, the king of the Ammonites died, and his son Hanun succeeded him as king. David thought, “I will show kindness to Hanun son of Nahash, just as his father showed kindness to me.” So David sent a delegation to express his sympathy to Hanun concerning his father.” – 2 Samuel 10:1-2

Okay, this is a nice start.  Kindness in return for kindness.  I wish there were more of this in the Bible.  The Bible would be a much better book.

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved off half of each man’s beard, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 2 Samuel 10:4

Maybe not the kindest move on the part of Hanun.  If David’s people were truly there as an act of kindness, capturing them, shaving their beards, and taking off their pants is not really the best move.  I do find it funny, however, that the Bible has a story in which one army takes off the pants of the other army.  LOL!  Then again, the Bible also has a story of one man, David, single handedly working his way through a battle field chopping off dick tips.  Yes, that is seriously in the Bible!

“On hearing this, David sent Joab out with the entire army of fighting men. The Ammonites came out and drew up in battle formation at the entrance of their city gate, while the Arameans of Zobah and Rehob and the men of Tob and Maakah were by themselves in the open country.” – 2 Samuel 10:7-8

Should Hanun’s people have taken off the pants of David’s people?  Clearly no.  Is it appropriate that both sides build armies because of this?  Hell no!  What message does this send to the reader?  Handle disputes with war?  Again, not a book of morals.

“Then Joab and the troops with him advanced to fight the Arameans, and they fled before him.” – 2 Samuel 10:13

Yep, an actual battle with killing takes place because of pants being taken off.  Sigh.

“But they fled before Israel, and David killed seven hundred of their charioteers and forty thousand of their foot soldiers. He also struck down Shobak the commander of their army, and he died there. When all the kings who were vassals of Hadadezer saw that they had been routed by Israel, they made peace with the Israelites and became subject to them.” – 2 Samuel 10:18-19

OMFG!?!?!  Forty thousand plus people died in these battles!!!  And for what reason?  Because David’s people had their pants taken off.  Think about this for a bit.  Yes, taking off their pants was wrong.  It was demoralizing to David’s people, but starting a war and killing them as revenge?  That’s WAY over the top.  There are so many other choices that should have been made.  Forgive them?  Okay, maybe you want a bit of revenge, so go and take off their pants in retaliation, but murder them?  Again, this is NOT a book of morals.

Wow…what a chapter!  It can be summed up as a chapter in which one army had their pants taken off and the other army retaliated by killing the first army.  Wow!

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 19:  David Defeats the Ammonites

Psalm – Chapter 75: For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” A psalm of Asaph. A song.

Man, I can’t wait until I’m finished with the book of Psalms.  Wednesdays are particularly tough as the transition from Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday to a chapter in Psalms is depressing, to say the least.  😊  Eventually we’ll be done.  There is a light at the end of this tunnel!

“We praise you, God, we praise you, for your Name is near; people tell of your wonderful deeds.” – Psalm 75:1

Praising God and his deeds is a common theme in Psalms.  But what deeds?  The Bible never really is clear on this.  It conveniently ignores the actual deeds of demanding war, slavery, and rape.  Sorry, but I’m never praising those.  Yes, sometimes war is justifiable if an action of defense, but in the Bible, these wars are almost always an act of offense.

“When the earth and all its people quake, it is I who hold its pillars firm.” – Psalm 75:3

Yet God doesn’t hold firm all those people who have died in earthquakes.

“In the hand of the Lord is a cup full of foaming wine mixed with spices, he pours it out, and all the wicked of the earth drink it down to its very dregs.” – Psalm 75:8

Free spiced wine?  Hell yes!

Psalm 75 is another chapter in which God’s deeds are praised and the wicked are said to be evil.  No evidence of the good and evil deeds is provided, just a statement that there are wicked people out there.  To be clear, those described as wicked are anyone who dares think for themselves.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 10:  David Defeats the Ammonites

Matthew 25:41

Jesus is very different from the god of the Old Testament, correct?  The god of the Old Testament was harsh and punishing but Jesus is loving and compassionate, correct?  Nope, and today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday verse makes this very clear.

“Then he will say to those on his left, ‘Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels.’” – Matthew 25:41

According to the Bible, this is a direct quote from Jesus.  This verse states that anyone disagreeing with Jesus, no matter how minor, will be cast into an eternal fire prepared by the devil.  Love?  Compassion?  Not from Jesus.  You disagree and you’ll burn for all of eternity.

On the other hand, given God has killed far, far more people than Satan in the Bible, it may be far more desirable to spend an eternity in hell than continue living in the presence of this evil and unjust god.

Psalm – Chapter 60: For the director of music. To the tune of “The Lily of the Covenant.” A miktam of David. For teaching. When he fought Aram Naharaim and Aram Zobah, and when Joab returned and struck down twelve thousand Edomites in the Valley of Salt.

We continue through the book of Psalms today, so let’s start this Monday with Psalm 60.

“You have rejected us, God, and burst upon us; you have been angry—now restore us!” – Psalm 60:1

This is what pissy gods do.  They get angry.

“You have shaken the land and torn it open; mend its fractures, for it is quaking.” – Psalm 60:2

No, this is not God.  These are earthquakes.  They are quite common and happen every day somewhere in the world.

“Save us and help us with your right hand, that those you love may be delivered.” – Psalm 60:5

Um…the author is now asking God if he can help God jerk off.  😊

“Gilead is mine, and Manasseh is mine; Ephraim is my helmet, Judah is my scepter.” – Psalm 60:7

All the foreskins are mine!  God is not in the mood for sharing right now!

“With God we will gain the victory, and he will trample down our enemies.” – Psalm 60:12

By enemy, the Bible refers to anyone who just happens to be in the way of the Israelites.  Many innocents are considered enemies in the Bible.

Psalm 60 is a relatively short chapter, but it does contain a verse easily turned into a sex joke, so it’s got that going for it.  Aside from that it’s more of the same argument that God is angry and God has turned away from the Israelites.  Boo-fucking-hoo.  He’s make believe so what do you expect?

 

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 75:  For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” A psalm of Asaph. A song.

Psalm – Chapter 53: For the director of music. According to mahalath. A maskil of David.

One of these days we’ll be done with the book of Psalms and on that day, we’ll celebrate!  But, we’re not there yet.  Today’s chapter is Psalm 53, a very short, six verse chapter condemning the fools who don’t believe in God.

“The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’” – Psalm 53:1

Not a fool, a skeptic.  And the skeptic doesn’t say there is no god.  The skeptic says there is no EVIDENCE for a god.

“Everyone has turned away, all have become corrupt; there is no one who does good, not even one.” – Psalm 53:3

We are all supposedly God’s creation, so whose fault is it we’ve all become corrupt?  Hmmm…is it possible that the god of the Bible…dare I say it…is a FAILURE?!?!

“Do all these evildoers know nothing?” – Psalm 53:4

No, they know something.  At the very least they know that asking questions is key to understanding.  They know that evidence is the key.

“When God restores his people, let Jacob rejoice and Israel be glad!” – Psalm 53:6

God is supposed to be all-powerful.  He can restore the people anytime he wishes.  So what’s the fucking hold-up?

That concludes Psalm 53.  Basically God is pissy because the people dare question things.  Think about this for a second.  The Bible and the god of the Bible demand your complete obedience.  To question is to do evil.  Seriously?  If asking questions is evil in the eye of this god, then good riddance to this horrible being.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 60:  For the director of music. To the tune of “The Lily of the Covenant.” A miktam of David. For teaching. When he fought Aram Naharaim and Aram Zobah, and when Joab returned and struck down twelve thousand Edomites in the Valley of Salt.