1 Kings 17:21

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday AND Halloween!!!  To celebrate the occasion, let’s look at a verse that is very Halloween-esque.

“Then he (Elijah) stretched himself out on the boy three times and cried out to the Lord, “Lord my God, let this boy’s life return to him!” – 1 Kings 17:21

A dead child is raised from the dead!!!  A miracle?  Of course not!  This clearly did not happen.  The dead do not rise.  Zombie movies are great, but believing in zombies in real life is another issue.  You can’t bring people back from the dead.  You can’t do it now and you couldn’t do it in Biblical times.  Maybe, just maybe, the people of biblical times loved Halloween!

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Psalm – Chapter 40: For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

We learned in the last chapter that David is blameless.  LOL!  What bullshit will we learn this chapter?

“Many will see and fear the Lord and put their trust in him.” – Psalm 40:3

Again, the theme that fear is required to love God is sick.  If you love someone you don’t require they fear you.

“Blessed is the one who trusts in the Lord, who does not look to the proud, to those who turn aside to false gods.” – Psalm 40:4

Yes, trust the Lord when he commands you to rape, murder, and slaughter innocents, including babies.

“Many, Lord my God, are the wonders you have done, the things you planned for us.” – Psalm 40:5

Name one wonder God has done.

“Sacrifice and offering you did not desire…” – Psalm 40:6

What?  God demands all sorts of sacrifices!  These rules are laid out in Leviticus!!!

“For troubles without number surround me; my sins have overtaken me, and I cannot see.” – Psalm 40:12

Last chapter David said he was blameless.  Now his sins have overtaken him?

“But as for me, I am poor and needy; may the Lord think of me.” – Psalm 40:17

I’m sorry…David is the poor and needy one?  WTF?

So Psalm 40 was another load of bullshit.  David is caught contradicting the Bible and outright lies about being blameless, poor, and needy.  In other words, your typical Bible story.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 58: For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam.

Psalm – Chapter 26: Of David.

The story of Absalom has concluded with his death, so it’s time to switch back to the book of Psalms, beginning with chapter 26.

“Vindicate me, Lord, for I have led a blameless life;” – Psalm 26:1

A blameless life, David?  Are you fucking kidding me?  You’ve murdered innocent people, allowed rape, and most likely raped your concubines and wives.  Blameless?  For fuck’s sake.

“I abhor the assembly of evildoers and refuse to sit with the wicked.” – Psalm 26:5

You may abhor wickedness in others, but you live off the evil in yourself.

“I lead a blameless life; deliver me and be merciful to me.” – Psalm 26:11

ROFL!

Wow!  What a load of bullshit from David!  Is he seriously arguing he leads a blameless life?  I suppose in the eyes of God he does, but in the much more moral eyes of humanity, David is as evil as they come.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 40:  For the director of music. Of David. A psalm.

2 Samuel – Chapter 18: Absalom’s Death

Today’s chapter continues the story of Absalom that started a few chapters ago.  How will Absalom die?  Let’s find out.

“The king told the troops, ‘I myself will surely march out with you.’ But the men said, ‘You must not go out; if we are forced to flee, they won’t care about us. Even if half of us die, they won’t care; but you are worth ten thousand of us. It would be better now for you to give us support from the city.’ The king answered, ‘I will do whatever seems best to you.’” – 2 Samuel 18:2-4

David plans to go out with his men in battle but the men say no.

“The king commanded Joab, Abishai and Ittai, “Be gentle with the young man Absalom for my sake.” – 2 Samuel 18:5

Abaslom is David’s son.  It sounds as if David may have mercy on Absalom.

“There Israel’s troops were routed by David’s men, and the casualties that day were great—twenty thousand men.” – 2 Samuel 18:7

More needless slaughter in the Bible.  It all started with God hardening the Egyptians hearts and it hasn’t stopped.

“Now Absalom happened to meet David’s men. He was riding his mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches of a large oak, Absalom’s hair got caught in the tree. He was left hanging in midair, while the mule he was riding kept on going.” – 2 Samuel 18:9

Seriously?  Hair caught in a tree and Absalom left hanging in midair?  This is why the Bible is so unbelievable.  The stories are ridiculous.

“Joab said, ‘I’m not going to wait like this for you.’ So he took three javelins in his hand and plunged them into Absalom’s heart while Absalom was still alive in the oak tree. And ten of Joab’s armor-bearers surrounded Absalom, struck him and killed him.” – 2 Samuel 18:14-15

This makes no sense.  If Joab plunged three (three!) javelins into Absalom’s heart, he wouldn’t be left alive.  Either Joab missed the heart or Joab never stabbed Absalom.  It wouldn’t take another ten men to kill a hanging, defense-less Absalom.

“The king asked the Cushite, ‘Is the young man Absalom safe?’ The Cushite replied, ‘May the enemies of my lord the king and all who rise up to harm you be like that young man.’” – 2 Samuel 18:32

This Cushite has the skills of a great politician.  A fantastic non-answer to the question of whether Absalom is safe.  David, however, seems to understand this to mean Absalom is dead and begins to grieve.

Thus, ends the story of Absalom, the son of David, who waited two years to do anything about his sister’s rape, and when he finally did do something he took justice into his own hands instead of going through proper channels.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 26:  Of David.

Exodus 16:35

Today is Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and I’ve selected a verse promoting bad science (or just plain ridiculousness) in the book of Exodus.  Exodus describes the journey of the Israelites out of Egypt to Canaan, a journey that took 40 years.

“The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.” – Exodus 16:35

How far is it from Egypt to Canaan?  About 380 miles according to biblical scholars.  This is a lengthy distance to walk, but not when you have 40 years to do it!  Let’s do a bit of math to put this in perspective.  With 365 days per year, this is 14,600 days, meaning one needs to walk just 0.026 miles per day to do this.  This is 137 feet per day.  That’s it!!!  Even someone super sick with the flu probably walks more than 137 feet per day just going from the bed to the toilet to throw up!

What does this all mean?  The “long” journey from Egypt to Canaan over 40 years is pure bullshit.  However, if you google “distance from Egypt to Canaan” the first image that pops up is:

Canaan

So if Canaan, Connecticut is the Canaan the biblical authors are referring to, than I can see how 40 years is appropriate.  But we know this is Canaan in the Middle East and not Canaan in the United States.

2 Samuel – Chapter 17: Untitled

This chapter, 2 Samuel 17, continues the story of Ahithophel giving ‘advice’ to Absalom.

“Ahithophel said to Absalom, ‘I would choose twelve thousand men and set out tonight in pursuit of David. I would attack him while he is weary and weak. I would strike him with terror, and then all the people with him will flee. I would strike down only the king and bring all the people back to you. The death of the man you seek will mean the return of all; all the people will be unharmed.’” – 2 Samuel 17:1-3

Maybe God should come in and stop this nonsense.  Oh wait, God only comes in to the picture when it’s time to kill people, regardless of innocence.

“Hushai replied to Absalom, ‘The advice Ahithophel has given is not good this time.’” – 2 Samuel 17:7

Hushai is the voice of reason in this story.

“You know your father and his men; they are fighters, and as fierce as a wild bear robbed of her cubs.” – 2 Samuel 17:8

Not to mention the father, David, is a stone cold killer.

“So I advise you: Let all Israel, from Dan to Beersheba—as numerous as the sand on the seashore—be gathered to you, with you yourself leading them into battle. Then we will attack him wherever he may be found, and we will fall on him as dew settles on the ground. Neither he nor any of his men will be left alive. If he withdraws into a city, then all Israel will bring ropes to that city, and we will drag it down to the valley until not so much as a pebble is left.” – 2 Samuel 17:11-13

Well, maybe Hushai isn’t the voice of reason since he is now advising war.

“Absalom and all the men of Israel said, ‘The advice of Hushai the Arkite is better than that of Ahithophel.’” – 2 Samuel 17:14

If the goal is to kill David, then yes, war is better advice than sleeping with David’s concubines.

“For the Lord had determined to frustrate the good advice of Ahithophel in order to bring disaster on Absalom.” – 2 Samuel 17:14

Is the Bible seriously giving credit to God for the Israelites deciding war was a better method than concubine sex to killing David?

“When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb.” – 2 Samuel 17:23

Your advice to killing David was to sleep with his concubines.  What did you think was going to happen?

This chapter ends with a section titled “Absalom’s Death” but the actual death takes place in the next chapter.  We’ll have to wait until next time to see what happens.  This chapter was complete nonsense.  Was a full chapter of the Bible devoted to deciding whose advice is better when one option was sleeping with concubines?  Yes, a full chapter was indeed devoted to this!  Got to love those biblical morals.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 18:  Absalom’s Death