2 Samuel – Chapter 23: David’s Last Words

David’s last words.  The title makes this chapter sound so ominous!

“These are the last words of David:” – 2 Samuel 23:1

Wow, these really are going to be the last words of David!

“When one rules over people in righteousness, when he rules in the fear of God, he is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth.” – 2 Samuel 23:3-4

If you rule in fear of God as your justification to rape and murder, you are a rapist and a murderer.  Very simple.  David has a few other last words, but this verse pretty much sums it up.  David followed God.  God demanded murder.  David murdered in the name of God.  God is a murderer.  Therefore, David is a murderer and an evil human being.

“These are the names of David’s mighty warriors: Josheb-Basshebeth, a Tahkemonite, was chief of the Three; he raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter.” – 2 Samuel 23:8

One man kills 800 men with just one spear?  Nope.  Never happened.

“Abishai the brother of Joab son of Zeruiah was chief of the Three. He raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed, and so he became as famous as the Three.” – 2 Samuel 23:18

Only 300 men?  That’s weak sauce!  The dude a few verses earlier killed 800 men!  That’s the true definition of a manly man!

“Although the Egyptian had a spear in his hand, Benaiah went against him with a club. He snatched the spear from the Egyptian’s hand and killed him with his own spear.” – 2 Samuel 23:21

Ah snap!  This dude stopped a spear with a club and then used the other dude’s spear to kill said dude.  God’s definition of a manly man!

This is basically how this chapter ends.  There are a several more verses on who the different warriors are, but this chapter is basically a few words about fearing God, followed by a list of all the great accomplishments of killing men that took place.  A book of morals?  If so, this chapter says it is moral to kill and the more men you kill, the more moral you are.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 57:  For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam. When he had fled from Saul into the cave.

Advertisements

Revelation 20:4-5

Guess what?  We’re not done with zombies in the Bible.  It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and once again, I’ve pulled a verse about zombies.

“They came to life and reigned with Christ a thousand years. (The rest of the dead did not come to life until the thousand years were ended.) This is the first resurrection.” – Revelation 20:4-5

More zombies!!!  I’m beginning to think the Bible is less an attempt to convert the masses and more just some dude’s attempt to write the next great horror novel.  😊

2 Samuel – Chapter 22: David’s Song of Praise

After a few chapters in Psalms, we move back to 2 Samuel today.  This is the third to last chapter in 2 Samuel and reads much like a chapter in Psalms, with David praising God through song.

“He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—from violent people you save me.” – 2 Samuel 22:3

Were these ‘violent people’ really violent or just different than you?  And are you really one to talk about violent people?  You, David, the one who has killed many and chopped off hundreds of foreskins.

“The earth trembled and quaked, the foundations of the heavens shook; they trembled because he was angry.” – 2 Samuel 22:8

Or there was an earthquake.

“Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it.” – 2 Samuel 22:9

This is a campfire viewed when high.

“Out of the brightness of his presence bolts of lightning blazed forth.” – 2 Samuel 22:13

It’s called a thunderstorm.

“The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.” – 2 Samuel 22:21

You grabbed hundreds of dicks and chopped of the foreskins.  I doubt that’s the definition of clean hands.

“For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I am not guilty of turning from my God.” – 2 Samuel 22:22

David speaks the truth.  Both David and God are murderers filled with blood lust.

“As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” –  2 Samuel 22:31

According to the Bible God killed EVERYONE but seven people because he did not like HIS creations?  This is far from a perfect god.  This is an evil god.

“I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth; I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets.” – 2 Samuel 23:43

And the blood lust comes out once again.

David attempts to praise God and make God look good in this chapter, but he fails completely.  Calling God perfect when he destroyed creations he failed at?  Not really the evidence you should use.  David is right in one thing and that is he follows exactly what God asks him to do and that’s to kill.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 23:  David’s Last Words

Atheism Quotes – Adam Savage

“No one is in charge. And honestly, that’s even cooler.

The idea of an ordered and elegant universe is a lovely one. One worth clinging to. But you don’t need religion to appreciate the ordered existence. It’s not just an idea, it’s reality. We’re discovering the hidden orders of the universe every day. The inverse square law of gravitation is amazing. Fractals, the theory of relativity, the genome: these are magnificently beautiful constructs.”

– Adam Savage

Psalm – Chapter 42: For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.

In the last chapter we learned David leads such a tough life that we should all feel sorry for him.  Sorry, not buying it.  Will David shape up and be an adult in Psalm 42?  Don’t hold your breath.

“As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, my God.” – Psalm 42:1

You want to lap up God with your tongue?  Interesting analogy.

“By day the Lord directs his love at night his song is with me—a prayer to the God of my life.” – Psalm 42:8

And what direction is that love directed?  Toward the hardening of hearts?  Rape?  Murder?  Starvation?

“Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.” – Psalm 42:11

No thanks.  God hasn’t worked out all that well for the Israelites thus far.

Yep, David is still whining and complaining in this chapter.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 22:  David’s Song of Praise

Psalms – Chapter 41: For the director of music. A psalm of David.

So, David is an asshole.  If that wasn’t clear before reading Psalm 38, it is definitely clear after reading Psalm 38.  Honestly, it should have been very clear way before Psalm 38, but when you, the King of the land, compare your struggles to those of the deaf and mute, you’ve reached a whole new level of assholery.  Today’s chapter is Psalm 41 so let’s see what David has to say today.

“Blessed are those who have regard for the weak; the Lord delivers them in times of trouble.” – Psalm 41:1

Okay, a good start for a change.  One should have regard for the weak.  One should truly help out those less fortunate.

“The Lord sustains them on their sickbed and restores them from their bed of illness.” – Psalm 41:3

Um…no.  Not true.  Those who are ill and recover do so through the hard work of nurses, doctors, and medical researchers.

“All my enemies whisper together against me; they imagine the worst for me, saying, ‘A vile disease has afflicted him; he will never get up from the place where he lies.’” – Psalm 41:7-8

Can you blame them?  David has raped, murdered, and destroyed families.  It’s expected many wish the worst on him.

“I know that you are pleased with me, for my enemy does not triumph over me.” – Psalm 41:11

Pleased with David?  Tell me what it is David has done that pleases God?  We know God is pleased, but what exactly is it that pleases him?  Is it the rape?  The multiple wives?  The murder?  The foreskin collection?  That’s it.  God is pleased because he is so impressed with David’s foreskin collection!

“Because of my integrity you uphold me and set me in your presence forever.” – Psalm 41:12

ROFL!!!

Poor David.  He leads such a tough life.  He has everything but life is hard when all those people are wanting to do him harm.  Tsk tsk.  These people really need to show more respect toward their king.  Toward the man who raped their loved ones, murdered their loved one, and destroyed their families.  Satire off.  End of chapter.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 42:  For the director of music. A maskil of the Sons of Korah.

Ezekiel 37:7-10

I love the book of Ezekiel!  It contains my favorite Bible verse, Ezekiel 23:20.  Today, however, for Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday, we continue looking at zombies in the Bible.

“So I prophesied as I was commanded. And as I was prophesying, there was a noise, a rattling sound, and the bones came together, bone to bone. I looked, and tendons and flesh appeared on them and skin covered them, but there was no breath in them. Then he said to me, ‘Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to it, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: Come, breath, from the four winds and breathe into these slain, that they may live.’’  So I prophesied as he commanded me, and breath entered them; they came to life and stood up on their feet—a vast army.” – Ezekiel 37:7-10

It’s a mother fucking army of zombies raised from the dead!  ROFL!  The start of a great zombie movie, but absolutely crazy when this is the book Christians claim is “God breathed”.  Are we really expected to believe zombies roamed the land?  Seriously?  Give me a break.  What’s crazier, a book with zombie stories that is supposed to be a set of rules on morals, or people who believe this book is the literal truth?  Yikes!