Thank the make believe god of the Bible we have moved out of Psalms for the time being. Psalms is a very repetitive book in which the 100+ chapters could easily be reduced to one chapter that says:
“God is great. Don’t fuck with God. God helps the poor and needy. Don’t fuck with God.”
One chapter, one verse and Psalms is done! Then again, the authors of the Bible didn’t have Netflix in their time, so they had nothing better to do but repeat the same damn thing over and over again. Enough with Psalms for now. Today we look back in 2 Samuel with the return of David to Jerusalem.
“Joab was told, ‘The king is weeping and mourning for Absalom.’” – 2 Samuel 19:1
It makes sense that David mourns for Absalom. Absalom was his son and despite the crimes by Absalom one should not knock David for mourning. Even parents of mass murderers will weep for their children.
“Then Joab went into the house to the king and said, ‘Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters and the lives of your wives and concubines.’” – 2 Samuel 19:5
Joab is holding nothing back from David. Although I point to the last few words of this verse that once again point out multiple wives and concubines. Traditional marriage? Puh-lease!
“Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall. This will be worse for you than all the calamities that have come on you from your youth till now.” – 2 Samuel 19:7
More from Joab. He’s holding nothing back. He’s basically saying to David to get off your ass and lead your men.
“And say to Amasa, ‘Are you not my own flesh and blood? May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if you are not the commander of my army for life in place of Joab.’” – 2 Samuel 19:13
I highly doubt this god, the god who allows and often promotes rape and murder, is going to deal with anyone in any just way.
“David replied, ‘What does this have to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? What right do you have to interfere? Should anyone be put to death in Israel today? Don’t I know that today I am king over Israel?’ So the king said to Shimei, ‘You shall not die.’ And the king promised him on oath.” – 2 Samuel 19:22-23
How nice of David not to kill. Too bad that doesn’t apply to all the other people David intends to take over for his own gain. Too bad this niceness doesn’t apply to the multiple wives and concubines he rapes or the women his men rape as war spoils.
“Now Barzillai was very old, eighty years of age.” – 2 Samuel 19:32
Eight years old is considered very old, especially for this time period that lacked modern medicine. It’s a stark contrast to the very old of several centuries we saw in Genesis.
“Then the men of Israel answered the men of Judah, ‘We have ten shares in the king; so we have a greater claim on David than you have. Why then do you treat us with contempt? Weren’t we the first to speak of bringing back our king?’” – 2 Samuel 19:43
For fuck’s sake. Now the tribes are arguing over who is the better tribe to hang with David. Seriously?
This concludes 2 Samuel 19. Absalom is dead and David has returned to Jerusalem to lead all of the tribes. Let the blood killing begin again!
Coming Soon: 2 Samuel – Chapter 20: Sheba Rebels Against David