2 Kings – Chapter 6: An Axhead Floats

The title to today’s chapter says it all. I’m guessing a heavy metal ax head is going to float on water. 🙂

“As one of them was cutting down a tree, the iron axhead fell into the water. ‘Oh no, my lord!’ he cried out. ‘It was borrowed!’” – 2 Kings 6:5

Oh no indeed!

“The man of God asked, ‘Where did it fall?’ When he showed him the place, Elisha cut a stick and threw it there, and made the iron float.” – 2 Kings 6:6

Bullshit. Maybe if Elisha used a strong magnet and the water was shallow, but a stick? Nope, one big fucking lie.

“There was a great famine in the city; the siege lasted so long that a donkey’s head sold for eighty shekel of silver, and a quarter of a cab of seed pods for five shekels.” – 2 Kings 6:27

Times must be tough if donkey heads are for sale.

“She answered, ‘This woman said to me, ‘Give up your son so we may eat him today, and tomorrow we’ll eat my son.’ So we cooked my son and ate him. The next day I said to her, ‘Give up your son so we may eat him,’ but she had hidden him.’” – 2 Kings 6:28-29

What the fucking fuck?

“When the king heard the woman’s words, he tore his robes.” – 2 Kings 6:30

I don’t understand why the first reaction in the Bible is so often the tearing of one’s clothes.

Well, that was an interesting chapter. We had floating ax heads, donkey heads, and cannibalism. Just your typical day in the Bible!

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 7: The Siege Lifted

Atheism Quotes – Concerned Atheists

I’m not entirely sure who is credited with this quote, but the site I found it on simply credited it to “Concerned Atheists” which I assume means Atheists in general. Anyway, here it is:

“We’ll stop caring what you believe in…just as soon as what you believe in stops influencing the decisions of those in power, thereby affecting our lives. Negatively, I might add.” – Concerned Atheists

Asking Atheists why they care about religion is a common question from Theists. The answer, as the quote states, is simple. When your religion is pushed on others and continually has a negative effect, Atheists have a problem with that. They are concerned and they won’t sit down quietly. Your make believe god doesn’t control us.

2 Kings – Chapter 5: Naaman Healed of Leprosy

We continue in 2 Kings today with the fifth chapter.

“He (Naaman) was a valiant soldier, but he had leprosy.” – 2 Kings 5:1

The tone for the chapter is set.

“So Naaman went with his horses and chariots and stopped at the door of Elisha’s house. Elisha sent a messenger to say to him, ‘Go, wash yourself seven times in the Jordan, and your flesh will be restored and you will be cleansed.’” – 2 Kings 5:9-10

Naaman has been told he can be cured of his leprosy. I’d be angry too if I was told taking a bath would cure leprosy.

“So he went down and dipped himself in the Jordan seven times, as the man of God had told him, and his flesh was restored and became clean like that of a young boy.” – 2 Kings 5:14

BAHAHAHAHAHA! Turns out Naaman didn’t have leprosy if a bath cleared his skin. The simple solution points to the fact that Naaman was simply dirty.

“‘Naaman’s leprosy will cling to you and to your descendants forever.’” Then Gehazi went from Elisha’s presence and his skin was leprous—it had become as white as snow.” – 2 Kings 5:27

Um…that’s not how leprosy works. Leprosy is a bacterial disease that is not highly contagious. You can’t just will it on someone.

This chapter was one big pile of scientific nonsense. Leprosy isn’t simply cured by someone’s will. It takes antibiotics to treat, which did not exist in biblical times.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 6: An Axhead Floats

2 Kings – Chapter 4: The Widow’s Olive Oil

I’m very curious to discuss today’s chapter given the title. A widow’s olive oil? It just sound intriguing!

“The wife of a man from the company of the prophets cried out to Elisha, ‘Your servant my husband is dead, and you know that he revered the Lord. But now his creditor is coming to take my two boys as his slaves.’” 2 Kings 4:1

Reminder #8204 that God condones slavery.

“Elisha replied to her, ‘How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?’ ‘Your servant has nothing there at all,’ she said, ‘except a small jar of olive oil.’ Elisha said, ‘Go around and ask all your neighbors for empty jars. Don’t ask for just a few. Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side.’” – 2 Kings 4:2-4

Hopefully you see the problem in what is about to happen. A tiny jar of olive oil is about to be used to fill many, many jars. This is not possible. Once again, the Bible asks you to do away with all critical thinking in favor of make believe in an attempt to control you and the masses.

“She went and told the man of God, and he said, ‘Go, sell the oil and pay your debts. You and your sons can live on what is left.’” – 2 Kings 4:7

Instead of offering a real solution to income inequality, God resorts to fakery and illusion that does not help this woman.

“Let’s make a small room on the roof and put in it a bed and a table, a chair and a lamp for him. Then he can stay there whenever he comes to us.” – 2 Kings 4:10

A small room ON the roof? Um…okay.

“But the woman became pregnant, and the next year about that same time she gave birth to a son, just as Elisha had told her.” – 2 Kings 4:17

God gets a woman who can’t get pregnant pregnant.

“After the servant had lifted him up and carried him to his mother, the boy sat on her lap until noon, and then he died.” – 2 Kings 4:20

And then God kills the child. This is the God you worship, Christians. A sick, disgusting God created by humans to control the masses.

“When she reached the man of God at the mountain, she took hold of his feet. Gehazi came over to push her away, but the man of God said, ‘Leave her alone! She is in bitter distress, but the Lord has hidden it from me and has not told me why.’” – 2 Kings 4:27

As always, God hides himself when others are suffering.

“Then he got on the bed and lay on the boy, mouth to mouth, eyes to eyes, hands to hands. As he stretched himself out on him, the boy’s body grew warm. Elisha turned away and walked back and forth in the room and then got on the bed and stretched out on him once more. The boy sneezed seven times and opened his eyes.” – 2 Kings 4:34-35

So Elisha raped the dead child’s corpse and the child came back to life. Disgusting and fucking bullshit.

The chapter ends with a short story on famine, twenty loaves of bread, and feeding 100 people with these twenty loaves of bread. Similar to the rest of the Bible…bullshit.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 5: Naaman Healed of Leprosy

Matthew 1:18

This year Christmas and Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday are on the same day. Given the holiday, today’s verse on the virgin birth of Jesus is perfect!

“His mother Mary was pledged to be married to Joseph, but before they came together, she was found to be pregnant through the Holy Spirit.” – 1 Matthew 1:18

I’ll be blunt. A virgin birth in humans in IMPOSSIBLE! Sorry, didn’t happen! Mary had sex with someone! Sorry Christians, you are simply wrong. If you believe a virgin birth happened, you have lost all critical thinking ability.

2 Kings – Chapter 3: Moab Revolts

Thus far 2 Kings has been a bloody mess and I doubt this chapter will be any different.

“Jora son of Ahab became king of Israel in Samaria in the eighteenth year of Jehoshaphat king of Judah, and he reigned twelve years. He did evil in the eyes of the Lord” – 2 Kings 3:1-2

Of course he did evil in the eyes of the Lord because pretty much everyone does evil in the eyes of the Lord. Even those who do good are often punished. Take one look at Job. Doing good isn’t all that great either when it comes to God’s punishments.

“While the harpist was playing, the hand of the Lord came on Elisha and he said, ‘This is what the Lord says: I will fill this valley with pools of water.’” 2 Kings 3:15-16

Once again, God makes no appearance. Elisha can say anything he wants and say it is the word of God. This is the very definition of controlling the masses. Religion is a man made creation to control the masses.

“The next morning, about the time for offering the sacrifice, there it was—water flowing from the direction of Edom! And the land was filled with water.” – 2 Kings 3:20

In other words it rained a lot and there was a flash flood. Happens all the time across the globe. In biblical times God did this to help people, but now he just does it because of the gays. Seriously, that is the excuse Christians give for natural disasters. Okay, obviously not all Christians, but far too many of them.

“They destroyed the towns, and each man threw a stone on every good field until it was covered.” – 2 Kings 3:25

If the towns were destroyed and the people killed, why fill the fields with stones? There are no people left to farm the fields, so what’s the point?

“Then he took his firstborn son, who was to succeed him as king, and offered him as a sacrifice on the city wall. The fury against Israel was great; they withdrew and returned to their own land.” – 2 Kings 3:27

So much death for no reason. God killed the descendant of the person who did evil in his eyes. Once again, punish the innocents. It’s God’s way.

That concludes this chapter. More blood. More death. More punished innocents.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 4: The Widow’s Olive Oil

2 Kings – Chapter 2: Elijah Taken Up to Heaven

In the previous chapter, Elijah served as the word of God. God supposedly spoke through him. Looks like Elijah is headed to heaven in this chapter.

“The company of the prophets at Bethel came out to Elisha and asked, ‘Do you know that the Lord is going to take your master (Elijah) from you today?’ ‘Yes, I know,’ Elisha replied, ‘so be quiet.’” – 2 Kings 2:3

Seems like everyone already knows, so why the secrecy and need to keep quiet?

“Elijah took his cloak, rolled it up and struck the water with it. The water divided to the right and to the left, and the two of them crossed over on dry ground.” – 2 Kings 2:8

Nope. Didn’t happen. There’s no evidence this ever happened and it is not physically possible to hit water with your cloak and have it split down the middle to dry ground. Well, it is possible if this body of water is a small puddle!

“As they were walking along and talking together, suddenly a chariot of fire and horses of fire appeared and separated the two of them, and Elijah went up to heaven in a whirlwind.” – 2 Kings 2:11

Apparently Elijah has been smoking something just a bit too strong!

“Elisha saw this and cried out, ‘My father! My father! The chariots and horsemen of Israel!’ And Elisha saw him no more. Then he took hold of his garment and tore it in two.” 2 Kings 2:12

Elisha is smoking the same strong stuff!

“Then he went out to the spring and threw the salt into it, saying, ‘This is what the Lord says: ‘I have healed this water. Never again will it cause death or make the land unproductive.’ And the water has remained pure to this day, according to the word Elisha had spoken.” 2 Kings 2:21-22

Wrong. Throwing salt into water does not make it pure. In fact, it makes it undrinkable. A small amount of salt does nothing, but if Elisha threw a large amount of salt, drinking the water would be like drinking salt water from the ocean. It doesn’t quench your thirst. The salt acts to dehydrate you faster and eventually kills you.

“From there Elisha went up to Bethel. As he was walking along the road, some boys came out of the town and jeered at him. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ they said. ‘Get out of here, baldy!’ He turned around, looked at them and called down a curse on them in the name of the Lord. Then two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the boys.” – 2 Kings 2:23-24

There you go. Look no further than this for the direct evidence of God’s evil ways. God killed forty two boys via bear mauling. Fuck you God. And fuck you Christians who support a god that kills children.

If anything, 2 Kings is more bloody than 1 Kings. God has bears maul forty two children. Enough said.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 3: Moab Revolts

2 Kings – Chapter 1: The Lord’s Judgment on Ahaziah

Today we take a look at the first chapter in 2 Kings, a continuation of 1 Kings.

“After Ahab’s death, Moab rebelled against Israel.” – 2 Kings 1:1

If you thought God was turning over a new leaf and bringing peace to the land, the first verse makes it clear there will be no peace in the land.

“Now Ahaziah had fallen through the lattice of his upper room in Samaria and injured himself. So he sent messengers, saying to them, ‘Go and consult Baal-Zebub, the god of Ekron, to see if I will recover from this injury.’” – 2 Kings 2

A very abrupt change from verse one to verse two. How about getting a DOCTOR to help you out! Sheesh!

“But the angel of the Lord said to Elijah the Tishbite, ‘Go up and meet the messengers of the king of Samaria and ask them, ‘Is it because there is no God in Israel that you are going off to consult Baal-Zebub, the god of Ekron?’’ Therefore this is what the Lord says: ‘You will not leave the bed you are lying on. You will certainly die!’ So Elijah went.” – 2 King 2:3-4

God changes his mind a lot, but one thing he doesn’t fuck around on is the worship of other gods.

“Elijah answered the captain, ‘If I am a man of God, may fire come down from heaven and consume you and your fifty men!’ Then fire fell from heaven and consumed the captain and his men.” – 2 Kings 2:10

Bullshit…didn’t happen. Even if it did, it just shows God has no interest in peace. God does not love you. He simply looks for excuses to kill you.

“So he died, according to the word of the Lord that Elijah had spoken. Because Ahaziah had no son, Joram succeeded him as king in the second year of Jehoram son of Jehoshaphat king of Judah.” – 2 Kings 2:17

This book starts where 1 Kings ended, with the killing of more people. Worship the wrong god and the god of the Bible will fuck you up.

In case you had any doubts, there will be plenty of more bloodshed in this book.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 2: Elijah Taken Up to Heaven

Jeremiah 8:10

It’s another week of Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse looks at how God is just and thoughtful in how he hands out punishment.

“Therefore I will give their wives to other men and their fields to new owners.” – Jeremiah 8:10

God doesn’t punish those who do bad. He punishes their wives! Because we know those men only did bad because their wives tricked them, right? God is a fucking idiot and this is just one of many, many verses in the Bible in which God punishes those who did not do the wicked deed.