Jeremiah – Chapter 35: The Rekabites

In the previous chapter of Jeremiah we learned that God wants you to free slaves. Great, until you realize God allowed slaves, and then you only need to free them if they’ve served you for 6 years. So in other words, God is still an immoral jackass not worthy of anyone’s worship.

“But they replied, ‘We do not drink wine, because our forefather Jehonadab son of Rekab gave us this command: ‘Neither you nor your descendants must ever drink wine.’’” – Jeremiah 35:6

The chapter starts with God wanting a family to drink wine and they reply they do not want to because their family doesn’t drink wine.

“Then the word of the Lord came to Jeremiah, saying: ‘This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Go and tell the people of Judah and those living in Jerusalem, ‘Will you not learn a lesson and obey my words?’ declares the Lord.’” – Jeremiah 35:12-13

God is pissy because some people won’t drink wine.

“Therefore this is what the Lord God Almighty, the God of Israel, says: ‘Listen! I am going to bring on Judah and on everyone living in Jerusalem every disaster I pronounced against them.’” – Jeremiah 35:17

Now God is going to destroy the people because they didn’t drink wine.

Moral of this story? God is horrible. The Bible is NOT a book of morals.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 36: Jehoiakim Burns Jeremiah’s Scroll

Jeremiah – Chapter 34: Warning to Zedekiah

In the last chapter, we saw God make a promise that can be broken at the next solar eclipse. Let’s see what this chapter has in store for us.

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: Go to Zedekiah king of Judah and tell him, ‘This is what the Lord says: I am about to give this city into the hands of the king of Babylon, and he will burn it down. You will not escape from his grasp but will surely be captured and given into his hands.’” – Jeremiah 34:2-3

Remember, God loves you with all his heart when he hands you over to the enemy.

“Yet hear the Lord’s promise to you, Zedekiah king of Judah. This is what the Lord says concerning you: You will not die by the sword; you will die peacefully.” – Jeremiah 34:4-5

But no worries because when the enemy kills you, it will be a peaceful death.

“The word came to Jeremiah from the Lord after King Zedekiah had made a covenant with all the people in Jerusalem to proclaim freedom for the slaves. Everyone was to free their Hebrew slaves, both male and female; no one was to hold a fellow Hebrew in bondage.” – Jeremiah 34:8-9

Freeing slaves is good, but why did God allow slaves in the first place?

“Every seventh year each of you must free any fellow Hebrews who have sold themselves to you. After they have served you six years, you must let them go free.” – Jeremiah 34:14

This is even worse. God says you only need to free your slaves after they’ve been your slave for six years!

The next several verses are God being upset the people are taking back slaves, but God has no room to speak. He allowed slavery and says that the slaves are only free and after six years of slavery. A book of morals? Fuck that.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 35: The Rekabites

Hebrews 12:7

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse is about beating your kids!

“Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father?” – Hebrews 12:7

Discipline should be a hardship? Fathers are supposed to beat their children? Only in the Bible, that book of morals Christians worship.

Jeremiah – Chapter 33: Promise of Restoration

I love it that the word ‘promise’ is in the title of this chapter, given God has broken so many promises!

“This is what the Lord says, he who made the earth, the Lord who formed it and established it—the Lord is his name: ‘Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.’” – Jeremiah 33:2-3

This is exactly out scams start!

“For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says about the houses in this city and the royal palaces of Judah that have been torn down to be used against the siege ramps and the sword in the fight with the Babylonians: ‘They will be filled with the dead bodies of the people I will slay in my anger and wrath. I will hide my face from this city because of all its wickedness. Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security.’” – Jeremiah 33:4-6

So much packed into these three verses. God is going to fill the streets with dead bodies, but don’t worry, he is bringing health and healing. Um? And God makes it very clear he hides. LOL! As if we needed God to tell us he ‘hides’. Or rather, never exists!

“‘The days are coming,’ declares the Lord, ‘when I will fulfill the good promise I made to the people of Israel and Judah.’” – Jeremiah 33:14

It’s a trap!

“The word of the Lord came to Jeremiah: ‘This is what the Lord says: ‘If you can break my covenant with the day and my covenant with the night, so that day and night no longer come at their appointed time, then my covenant with David my servant—and my covenant with the Levites who are priests ministering before me—can be broken and David will no longer have a descendant to reign on his throne.’’” – Jeremiah 33:19-21

LOL! God’s covenant can be broken by a solar eclipse. Sheesh.

Sigh…God makes a promise with the people, one that will break with the next solar eclipse. There is typically a solar eclipse somewhere on Earth every year or two, so this promise from God won’t last long.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 34: Warning to Zedekiah

Jeremiah – Chapter 32: Jeremiah Buys a Field

Based on the title of today’s chapter, we are going to learn about a real estate transaction. Hmmm.

“I knew that this was the word of the Lord;  so I bought the field at Anathoth from my cousin Hanamel and weighed out for him seventeen shekels of silver.” – Jeremiah 32:8-9

Surely there are more important issues to work on?

“This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: Take these documents, both the sealed and unsealed copies of the deed of purchase, and put them in a clay jar so they will last a long time.” – Jeremiah 32:14

Because we all know that clay pots are the greatest long term storage device of all time!

“You (God) show love to thousands but bring the punishment for the parents’ sins into the laps of their children after them.” – Jeremiah 32:18

Justice against children for things they didn’t do. What a just God.

The rest of the chapter is a long rant by God about how awful the people are and he’s going to kill and destroy them all. Then God rants about how he loves the people and will save them. This is an awful god.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 33: Promise of Restoration

Jeremiah 31: Untitled

God’s assholery continues in Jeremiah 31.

“This is what the Lord says: ‘The people who survive the sword will find favor in the wilderness; I will come to give rest to Israel.’” – Jeremiah 31:1

So after God is done partially destroying you, you may survive. WTF?!?!?!

“The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: ‘I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.’” – Jeremiah 31:3

Bullshit. This isn’t love. It’s hate.

“‘I will satisfy the priests with abundance, and my people will be filled with my bounty,’ declares the Lord.” – Jeremiah 31:14

Yes, let’s give the corrupt priests abundance.

“This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: ‘When I bring them back from captivity…’” – Jeremiah 31:23

God expects the people will rejoice when he brings them back from the slavery God placed them in. FFS.

“‘The days are coming,’ declares the Lord, ‘when I will make a new covenant with the people of Israel.’” – Jeremiah 31:31

God makes many covenants and breaks them all.

Basically, God is saying in this chapter that he’s going to forgive the people for their sins and love them. God has said this over and over in the Bible. See Moses. See Noah. Now see Jeremiah. It’s all bullshit!

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 32: Jeremiah Buys a Field

Song of Songs 4:16

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and Song of Songs is a great book for all sorts of Bible sex. 🙂

“Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere.” – Song of Songs 4:16

Blow jobs. This is a verse about blow jobs. Or cunnilingus. It’s Song of Songs. We all know damn well this is a verse about oral sex…in the Bible. 🙂

Jeremiah – Chapter 30: Restoration of Israel

In the last chapter of Jeremiah, God was the asshole we all know him to be. God promoted slavery. Sigh. Let’s see what this chapter brings us.

“‘The days are coming,’ declares the Lord, ‘when I will bring my people Israel and Judah back from captivity and restore them to the land I gave their ancestors to possess,’ says the Lord.” – Jeremiah 30:3

Or God could remove all doubt and write the damn book himself.

“‘So do not be afraid, Jacob my servant; do not be dismayed, Israel,’ declares the Lord. ‘I will surely save you out of a distant place, your descendants from the land of their exile. Jacob will again have peace and security, and no one will make him afraid.’” – Jeremiah 30:10

God has been saying this for generations, yet fails to deliver with each new generation.

“Though I completely destroy all the nations among which I scatter you, I will not completely destroy you.” – Jeremiah 30:11

God loves you so he will only partially destroy you.

“But all who devour you will be devoured; all your enemies will go into exile. Those who plunder you will be plundered; all who make spoil of you I will despoil.” – Jeremiah 30:16

So you will still suffer greatly, but it’s okay because others will suffer too???

“The fierce anger of the Lord will not turn back until he fully accomplishes the purposes of his heart.” – Jeremiah 30:24

That purpose seems to be death, destruction, rape, and slavery. What a nice god.

This is another chapter filled with bullshit. Is it any solace to the people that they will only be partially destroyed? Give me a fucking break.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah 31: Untitled