Jeremiah – Chapter 29: A Letter to the Exiles

Today’s chapter is a letter from Jeremiah to the exiles God enslaved.

“This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says to all those I carried into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon: ‘Build houses and settle down; plant gardens and eat what they produce. Marry and have sons and daughters; find wives for your sons and give your daughters in marriage, so that they too may have sons and daughters. Increase in number there; do not decrease. Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.” – Jeremiah 29: 4-7

So much bullshit here:

  • God enslaves the people and now makes them build houses.
  • GIVE your daughters in marriage? The daughters have no choice in the matter.
  • You’re slaves, so now have lots of sex and reproduce to make more slaves!
  • Pray to the god who enslaved you.

Yeah, fuck off, God.

“This is what the Lord says: ‘When seventy years are completed for Babylon, I will come to you and fulfill my good promise to bring you back to this place.’” – Jeremiah 29:10

The people will suffer 70 years as slaves.

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” – Jeremiah 29:11

God enslaves the people and then says they will prosper 70 years later. Most of them will be dead!!!

“This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says about Ahab son of Kolaiah and Zedekiah son of Maaseiah, who are prophesying lies to you in my name: ‘I will deliver them into the hands of Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, and he will put them to death before your very eyes’.” – Jeremiah 29:21

God will punish the false prophets, but only after the people are enslaved for 70 years and died.

Repeat after me. God…is…an…ASSHOLE!

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 30: Restoration of Israel

Jeremiah – Chapter 28: The False Prophet Hananiah

Today we learn about another false prophet. Of course, this assumes there are true prophets and since people can’t foretell the future, by definition, all prophets are false, including Jeremiah. But I digress.

“This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: ‘I will break the yoke of the king of Babylon. Within two years I will bring back to this place all the articles of the Lord’s house that Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon removed from here and took to Babylon.” – Jeremiah 28:2-33

This is no more outrageous than the prophesying of Jeremiah.

“Then the prophet Jeremiah replied to the prophet Hananiah before the priests and all the people who were standing in the house of the Lord. He said, ‘Amen! May the Lord do so! May the Lord fulfill the words you have prophesied by bringing the articles of the Lord’s house and all the exiles back to this place from Babylon. Nevertheless, listen to what I have to say in your hearing and in the hearing of all the people: From early times the prophets who preceded you and me have prophesied war, disaster and plague against many countries and great kingdoms. But the prophet who prophesies peace will be recognized as one truly sent by the Lord only if his prediction comes true.” – Jeremiah 28:5-9

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! All you have to do is make a bunch of random predictions and if just one comes true, you are a true prophet of God. What a joke!

“Go and tell Hananiah, ‘This is what the Lord says: You have broken a wooden yoke, but in its place you will get a yoke of iron.  This is what the Lord Almighty, the God of Israel, says: I will put an iron yoke on the necks of all these nations to make them serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon, and they will serve him. I will even give him control over the wild animals.’” – Jeremiah 28:13-14

To prove a point, God will make the enslaved people suffer more.

“Then the prophet Jeremiah said to Hananiah the prophet, ‘Listen, Hananiah! The Lord has not sent you, yet you have persuaded this nation to trust in lies. Therefore this is what the Lord says: ‘I am about to remove you from the face of the earth. This very year you are going to die, because you have preached rebellion against the Lord.’ In the seventh month of that same year, Hananiah the prophet died.” – Jeremiah 28:15-17

And another person dies at the hands of God because God can’t handle people helping others. Hananiah comes along to help those enslaved by trying to free them, but God strengthens their prison and kills Hananiah.

God’s evil. The Bible is all the evidence you need to support this fact.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 29: A Letter to the Exiles

Song of Songs 5:4

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and here’s a good one!

“My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.” – Song of Songs 5:4

Thrust is hand through the latch-opening? Um….vaginal fisting? Anal fisting? 🙂

I’m sticking with this same verse next week for another goodie! So tune in next week.

Jeremiah – Chapter 27: Judah to Serve Nebuchadnezzar

Today we continue in the book of Jeremiah. Still, several chapters to go, so buckle up!

“This is what the Lord said to me: ‘Make a yoke out of straps and crossbars and put it on your neck. Then send word to the kings of Edom, Moab, Ammon, Tyre and Sidon through the envoys who have come to Jerusalem to Zedekiah king of Judah.’” – Jeremiah 27:2-3

There are better ways for God to make a point.

“If, however, any nation or kingdom will not serve Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon or bow its neck under his yoke, I will punish that nation with the sword, famine and plague, declares the Lord, until I destroy it by his hand.” – Jeremiah 27:8

See, God is reasonable! He has offered the people a choice. Be enslaved, or die!

“Serve the king of Babylon, and you will live. Why should this city become a ruin?” – Jeremiah 27:17

You can be a slave or be dead.

Is this a loving God? Fuck no. He demands your enslavement otherwise he will kill you. A book of morals? Nope. More like a book of bullshit.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 28: The False Prophet Hananiah

Easter…Who You Going to Call?

Ghostbusters! In case you missed it last month, there was this Christian holiday called Easter. Of course, you didn’t miss it because if you spent any time at all on social media you saw about 8 billion ‘He Is Risen’ posts. Sigh. But there were also several good memes posted in Atheist and Critical Thinking groups. Here’s one of my favorites.

93123979_10158006168865795_9026445170698092544_n

Jeremiah – Chapter 26: Jeremiah Threatened With Death

In the last chapter of Jeremiah, God killed children, enslaved many, and forced the people to become drunk. But he loves us! LOL! Today we take a look at a death threat Jeremiah receives.

“This is what the Lord says: Stand in the courtyard of the Lord’s house and speak to all the people of the towns of Judah who come to worship in the house of the Lord. Tell them everything I command you; do not omit a word. Perhaps they will listen and each will turn from their evil ways. Then I will relent and not inflict on them the disaster I was planning because of the evil they have done.” – Jeremiah 26:2-3

Perhaps they will listen? God could easily speak himself, but forces Jeremiah to do it for him, ensuring the people will not hear the words straight from God.

“But as soon as Jeremiah finished telling all the people everything the Lord had commanded him to say, the priests, the prophets and all the people seized him and said, ‘You must die!’” – Jeremiah 26:8

Okay, it’s a vast overreach to demand Jeremiah’s death, but can you blame the people for being upset with Jeremiah? He’s spouting statements on how people should live their lives, and there’s no god to back him up.

“Then Jeremiah said to all the officials and all the people: ‘The Lord sent me to prophesy against this house and this city all the things you have heard. Now reform your ways and your actions and obey the Lord your God. Then the Lord will relent and not bring the disaster he has pronounced against you.’” – Jeremiah 26:12-13

This all-powerful god lacks the courage to speak to the people himself.

This chapter ends with the people debating to kill Jeremiah, based on seeing previous people supposedly prophesying God’s words in the past. The takeaway from this chapter? God is a coward.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 27: Judah to Serve Nebuchadnezzar

Jeremiah – Chapter 25: Seventy Years of Captivity

Captivity! A great way to start this chapter.

“Therefore the Lord Almighty says this: ‘Because you have not listened to my words, I will summon all the peoples of the north and my servant Nebuchadnezzar king of Babylon,’ declares the Lord, ‘and I will bring them against this land and its inhabitants and against all the surrounding nations. I will completely destroy them and make them an object of horror and scorn, and an everlasting ruin.’” – Jeremiah 25:8-9

And how many children will die?

“This whole country will become a desolate wasteland, and these nations will serve the king of Babylon seventy years.” – Jeremiah 25:11

Now God is enslaving grandchildren and great-grandchildren.

“‘But when the seventy years are fulfilled, I will punish the king of Babylon and his nation, the land of the Babylonians, for their guilt,’ declares the Lord, “and will make it desolate forever.” – Jeremiah 25:12

What…the…fuck??? God FORCED the king of Babylon to do this and now he’s going to punish the king for what the king was forced to do by God? JFC!

“This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, said to me: ‘Take from my hand this cup filled with the wine of my wrath and make all the nations to whom I send you drink it. When they drink it, they will stagger and go mad because of the sword I will send among them.’” – Jeremiah 25:15-16

God now forces drunkenness on the people.

“But if they refuse to take the cup from your hand and drink, tell them, ‘This is what the Lord Almighty says: You must drink it!’” – Jeremiah 25:28

God gives the people no choice.

“At that time those slain by the Lord will be everywhere—from one end of the earth to the other. They will not be mourned or gathered up or buried, but will be like dung lying on the ground.” – Jeremiah 25:33

Don’t worry. It is all okay because God LOVED these people. His love is everywhere and it is eternal! SMH.

Sigh. Two words. Fuck God. See you in the next chapter.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 26: Jeremiah Threatened With Death

Song of Songs 1:13

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today I’m sticking with some Bible porn found in the Song of Songs.

“My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.” – Song of Songs 1:13

Lay your head down between her breasts before getting started with the hot stuff. LOL!

Jeremiah – Chapter 24: Two Baskets of Figs

Christians claim the Bible is THE book of morals, yet there’s a chapter titled “Two Baskets of Figs”. WTF???

“One basket had very good figs, like those that ripen early; the other basket had very bad figs, so bad they could not be eaten. Then the Lord asked me, ‘What do you see, Jeremiah?’ ‘Figs,’ I answered. ‘The good ones are very good, but the bad ones are so bad they cannot be eaten.’” – Jeremiah 24:2-3

The good ones are good and the bad ones are bad? Great fucking observation there, Jeremiah. FFS.

“Then the word of the Lord came to me: ‘This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘Like these good figs, I regard as good the exiles from Judah, whom I sent away from this place to the land of the Babylonians.  My eyes will watch over them for their good, and I will bring them back to this land. I will build them up and not tear them down; I will plant them and not uproot them. I will give them a heart to know me, that I am the Lord. They will be my people, and I will be their God, for they will return to me with all their heart. But like the bad figs, which are so bad they cannot be eaten,’ says the Lord, ‘so will I deal with Zedekiah king of Judah, his officials and the survivors from Jerusalem, whether they remain in this land or live in Egypt.  I will make them abhorrent and an offense to all the kingdoms of the earth, a reproach and a byword, a curse and an object of ridicule, wherever I banish them.  I will send the sword, famine and plague against them until they are destroyed from the land I gave to them and their ancestors.’’” – Jeremiah 24:4-10

What…the…fuck? God truly treats Jeremiah like an idiot. Does Jeremiah really needs a basket of good figs and a basket of bad figs to determine that God is going to fuck the shit out of some people?!?!?!

And that’s the end of this ridiculous chapter on two baskets of figs. Two fucking baskets of fucking figs. JFC.

Coming Soon: Jeremiah – Chapter 25: Seventy Years of Captivity