1 Chronicles – Chapter 14: David’s House and Family

The story of David and the Israelites continues in 1 Chronicles 14.  In the previous chapter, we learned that you never touch God’s stuff for God will kill you if you do.  That is actually what happened in 1 Chronicles 13!!!

“And David knew that the Lord had established him as king over Israel and that his kingdom had been highly exalted for the sake of his people Israel.” – 1 Chronicles 14:2

Well, except for that poor guy who touched God’s stuff and was killed by God!  He was not exalted.

“In Jerusalem David took more wives and became the father of more sons and daughters.” – 1 Chronicles 14:3

Ah, traditional biblical family values at their finest!  Multiple wives!

“David inquired of God: ‘Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hands?’ The Lord answered him, ‘Go, I will deliver them into your hands.’” – 1 Chronicles 14:10

More evidence God is filled with bloodlust.  He could easily stop the Philistines.  He is an all-powerful god after all.  Instead he chooses war.  How many innocents were killed in this battle?  We don’t know, but it is surely greater than zero.

“So David’s fame spread throughout every land, and the Lord made all the nations fear him.” – 1 Chronicles 14:17

Another example of God being a horrible parent.  Good parents don’t rule over their children by forcing them to fear them.  That’s child abuse.

That concludes this chapter of 1 Chronicles.  More evidence of God’s bloodlust and horrible parenting skills.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 15:  The Ark Brought to Jerusalem

1 Chronicles – Chapter 12: Warriors Join David

After briefly looking at 2 Samuel, we are back to 1 Chronicles.  Today’s chapter, 1 Chronicles 11 starts out with almost the exact same wording as 2 Samuel 5 from the other day.

“In the past, even while Saul was king, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord your God said to you, ‘You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.’” – 1 Chronicles 11:2

As I said in 2 Samuel 5, this is evidence against free will in the Bible.  God controls the people and they must obey his orders, including the killing of others.

“And David became more and more powerful, because the Lord Almighty was with him.” – 1 Chronicles 11:9

Same wording as 2 Samuel 5, further cementing God’s control of the situation.  In other words, no free will.

“Jashobeam, a Hakmonite, was chief of the officers; he raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter.” – 1 Chronicles 11:11

Three hundred men killed in one encounter with one man’s spear?  Bullshit.  Not possible.  The authors of the Bible could have made this more believable by saying five men which would have been equally impressive, or awful, depending on how you want to look at it.

“Benaiah son of Jehoiada, a valiant fighter from Kabzeel, performed great exploits. He struck down Moab’s two mightiest warriors. He also went down into a pit on a snowy day and killed a lion.” – 1 Chronicles 11:22

Okay, this is more believable.  Killing two men makes sense.  It’s humanly possible in a battle.  But then the authors throw in that, oh yeah, he followed that up by climbing into a snowy pit and killing a lion.  WTF?

“And he struck down an Egyptian who was five cubits tall.” – 1 Chronicles 11:23

Five cubits is seven and a half feet tall, so not impossible, but it comes across as stretching the truth.  What is wrong with the feat of killing two men?  Why throw in the lion and the tall Egyptian?  It makes it less and less believable.  What next?  And then they whipped out their dicks and his measured 8 feet long?

The rest of this chapter is a list of who begat who, so that does it for 1 Chronicles 11.  As I’ve said many times, the Bible would be much more believable if the stories weren’t so ridiculous.  Killing 300 men with one spear?  Ug.  Killing two men?  Okay, but don’t throw in a lion and a ridiculously tall dude too.  It’s as if the authors were in a pissing match about who could best out do who in outrageousness.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 12:  Warriors Join David

 

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 12:  Warriors Join Davi

2 Samuel – Chapter 5 – Verses 1 – 10: David Becomes King Over Israel

Today we move back to 2 Samuel.  If you’re new to reading this blog, I’m working on going through each chapter of the Bible in chronological order.  Samuel, Chronicles and Psalms all look at the story of David so there is a constant switching back and forth as we move through the Bible.  According to the chronological guide I am using, today’s chapter includes just the first ten verses.  The remaining verse take place after events discussed in other chapters of the Bible.  Let’s jump right into it.

“In the past, while Saul was king over us, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord said to you, ‘You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.’” – 2 Samuel 5:2

Christians are fond of arguing that God gave us free will to explain why there is still harm in this world.  Verses like this, however, in which God makes the choices, show the Bible says otherwise when it comes to free will.

“David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years.” – 2 Samuel 5:4

Wow!  Forty years of doing God’s dirty work.  Forty years of murder, rape, and killing of innocents.  All in the name of God.

“The king and his men marched to Jerusalem to attack the Jebusites, who lived there.” – 2 Samuel 5:6

Nowhere in the Bible is it stated why the Jebusites are to be attacked.  We are never given an explanation as to why other than it was the will of God.  Like I said.  David is here to do God’s dirty work.

“And he became more and more powerful, because the Lord God Almighty was with him.” – 2 Samuel 5:10

Again, it is fine to argue for free will, but only if you ignore what the Bible says on the matter.  David clearly has no free will.  God guides his every choice.

That concludes the first ten verses of this chapter.  It’s clear David has little choice in the matter as God has chosen him to lead the Israelites.  It’s not the free will of the people in the Bible.  It’s God’s choice.  God commands David to kill in his name and David does so without fighting back.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 11:  David Becomes King Over Israel

Micah 6:2

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse contains a huge dose of anti-science.

“Hear, you mountains, the Lord’s accusation; listen, you everlasting foundations of the earth.” – Micah 6:2

Mountains are not everlasting.  They come and go over millions of years.  They wear down from erosion.  They grow because of plate tectonics.  They are CONSTANTLY changing.  This is the exact opposite of everlasting.  I understand why the human authors of the Bible thought mountains were everlasting, but Christians tell us the Bible is “God breathed”.  If the Bible is the word of God, you’d think God would know how mountains work?  Conclusion?  There is no god, or this god knows less than a first grader.

Psalms – Chapter 104: Untitled

In our last look in Psalms (chapter 103) we found a very disgusting chapter in which we are told God loves us but only if we fear him.  As I said then, that’s not love, that’s abuse.  Now let’s look at Psalms 104.

“Lord my God, you are very great…” – Psalms 104:1

No.  No one who demands you fear them is great.  End of story.

“He set the earth on its foundations; it can never be moved.” – Psalms 104:5

Factually incorrect.  Earth moves around the Sun.  The Sun moves around the center of the galaxy.  The galaxy moves in the Universe because of expansion of space.  The Earth most definitely moves.

“He makes springs pour water into the ravines; it flows between the mountains.” – Psalms 104:10

No.  This is basic weather.  It rained here yesterday.  It wasn’t God.

“He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for people to cultivate—bringing forth food from the earth:” – Psalms 104:14

Again, no.  The Sun does this.  Not God.

“The trees of the Lord are well watered, the cedars of Lebanon that he planted.” – Psalms 104:16

If the trees of the Lord are well watered, why then do many parts of the world suffer from lack of clean drinking water?  Is God a selfish asshole?

“He made the moon to mark the seasons, and the sun knows when to go down.” – Psalms 104:19

The moon was the result of two planetary objects crashing into each other shortly after the formation of the Solar System.  Not a god.  The Sun rises and sets because Earth moves around it.  It doesn’t “know” to go down because God tells it to.  For fuck’s sake.

“How many are your works, Lord! In wisdom you made them all; the earth is full of your creatures.” – Psalms 104:24

Including mosquitoes that spread malaria and KILL many people each year.  The many “works” of the world are not a sign of God’s greatness.  If God exists they are a sign of his many weaknesses.

“When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.” – Psalms 104:28

David is describing God’s “care” of all the animals of the world as if all animals are nothing more than pet dogs.

“I will sing to the Lord all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.” – Psalms 104:33

This is why David will continue to suffer in life.  He’s convinced of this make believe god.  Even if this god exists, it is a horrible god that no one should ever consider praising.  It is not good to praise those who make you fear them.

“But may sinners vanish from the earth  and the wicked be no more.” – Psalms 104:35

What?  The whole premise of the Bible is that we are all sinners!  Now David is asking for all sinners to vanish?  WOW!  David is asking that all of humanity vanish from the Earth!  To be clear, I don’t believe in sin.  We are not born evil and full of sin.  That’s not how life works.  But the Bible says it does so it is very interesting that the Bible says that ALL of us should vanish from this world.

That concludes Psalms 104.  Another chapter filled with contradictions and fake science.  The contradiction being the part on sinners at the end and the fake science being the parts on the Earth, Sun, and weather.  The Bible is the greatest source of fake news in the history of mankind!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 5 – Verses 1 – 10:  David Becomes King Over Israel

War on Christmas Update

It’s been a few weeks, but by now you’ve likely seen that Bill O’Reilly, prominent Fox News opinion show host, was ousted due to claims of sexual harassment.  What does this mean?  It means the War on Christmas is over!  We’ve taken dowm the Christian right’s ring leader!  Christmas is officially over!  Death to Christmas!  Now what?  Let’s bring the war to Easter!!!

Satire off.  Of course there was never a war on Christmas and Atheists are in no way trying to get rid of Christmas.  Most of us love Christmas because everything most people celebrate is entirely secular.  Present!  We all love presents!  The War on Christmas was started by O’Reilly as a way for him to push his agenda.  His agenda of what?  His agenda to make millions and his followers were suckered into it.  Thank the make believe god he’s finally off the air.