1 Chronicles – Chapter 14: David’s House and Family

The story of David and the Israelites continues in 1 Chronicles 14.  In the previous chapter, we learned that you never touch God’s stuff for God will kill you if you do.  That is actually what happened in 1 Chronicles 13!!!

“And David knew that the Lord had established him as king over Israel and that his kingdom had been highly exalted for the sake of his people Israel.” – 1 Chronicles 14:2

Well, except for that poor guy who touched God’s stuff and was killed by God!  He was not exalted.

“In Jerusalem David took more wives and became the father of more sons and daughters.” – 1 Chronicles 14:3

Ah, traditional biblical family values at their finest!  Multiple wives!

“David inquired of God: ‘Shall I go and attack the Philistines? Will you deliver them into my hands?’ The Lord answered him, ‘Go, I will deliver them into your hands.’” – 1 Chronicles 14:10

More evidence God is filled with bloodlust.  He could easily stop the Philistines.  He is an all-powerful god after all.  Instead he chooses war.  How many innocents were killed in this battle?  We don’t know, but it is surely greater than zero.

“So David’s fame spread throughout every land, and the Lord made all the nations fear him.” – 1 Chronicles 14:17

Another example of God being a horrible parent.  Good parents don’t rule over their children by forcing them to fear them.  That’s child abuse.

That concludes this chapter of 1 Chronicles.  More evidence of God’s bloodlust and horrible parenting skills.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 15:  The Ark Brought to Jerusalem

1 Chronicles – Chapter 12: Warriors Join David

After briefly looking at 2 Samuel, we are back to 1 Chronicles.  Today’s chapter, 1 Chronicles 11 starts out with almost the exact same wording as 2 Samuel 5 from the other day.

“In the past, even while Saul was king, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord your God said to you, ‘You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.’” – 1 Chronicles 11:2

As I said in 2 Samuel 5, this is evidence against free will in the Bible.  God controls the people and they must obey his orders, including the killing of others.

“And David became more and more powerful, because the Lord Almighty was with him.” – 1 Chronicles 11:9

Same wording as 2 Samuel 5, further cementing God’s control of the situation.  In other words, no free will.

“Jashobeam, a Hakmonite, was chief of the officers; he raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter.” – 1 Chronicles 11:11

Three hundred men killed in one encounter with one man’s spear?  Bullshit.  Not possible.  The authors of the Bible could have made this more believable by saying five men which would have been equally impressive, or awful, depending on how you want to look at it.

“Benaiah son of Jehoiada, a valiant fighter from Kabzeel, performed great exploits. He struck down Moab’s two mightiest warriors. He also went down into a pit on a snowy day and killed a lion.” – 1 Chronicles 11:22

Okay, this is more believable.  Killing two men makes sense.  It’s humanly possible in a battle.  But then the authors throw in that, oh yeah, he followed that up by climbing into a snowy pit and killing a lion.  WTF?

“And he struck down an Egyptian who was five cubits tall.” – 1 Chronicles 11:23

Five cubits is seven and a half feet tall, so not impossible, but it comes across as stretching the truth.  What is wrong with the feat of killing two men?  Why throw in the lion and the tall Egyptian?  It makes it less and less believable.  What next?  And then they whipped out their dicks and his measured 8 feet long?

The rest of this chapter is a list of who begat who, so that does it for 1 Chronicles 11.  As I’ve said many times, the Bible would be much more believable if the stories weren’t so ridiculous.  Killing 300 men with one spear?  Ug.  Killing two men?  Okay, but don’t throw in a lion and a ridiculously tall dude too.  It’s as if the authors were in a pissing match about who could best out do who in outrageousness.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 12:  Warriors Join David


Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 12:  Warriors Join Davi

1 Chronicles – Chapter 10: Saul Takes His Life

Our adventure through 1 Chronicles continues.  Given the title of this chapter, things could get interesting.

“The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him.” – 1 Chronicles 10:3

This isn’t new to us on this blog.  We’ve previously discussed the story of Saul when going through the book of 1 Samuel.

“Saul said to his armor-bearer, ‘Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and abuse me.’” – 1 Chronicles 10:4

This is a serious situation.  Saul is injured and facing capture.  Yet at the same time it is funny given the focus on the male genitals.  I’m so sure that Saul, facing capture and death, is suddenly going to shout out against the uncircumcised men about to capture him!  Oh my god!  Not a foreskin.  I must kill myself for I cannot stand the sight of a foreskin!  😊

“But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died.  So Saul and his three sons died, and all his house died together.” – 1 Chronicles 10:4-6

That’s quite the way to go.

“Saul died because he was unfaithful to the Lord…” – 1 Chronicles 10:13

I love how the Bible places all the blame on Saul.  If only he had been more faithful.  Fortunately for us, we know how to read and can easily see that there is much more to this story.  We learned in the first half of 1 Samuel that God has control of Saul’s heart and God has taken over Saul’s body.  This isn’t Saul disobeying God.  This is God taking control of Saul and making Saul disobey him.  That’s a jackass of a move on God’s part but also quite revealing.  This “all-powerful” god isn’t all that powerful it turns out.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 102:  A prayer of an afflicted person who has grown weak and pours out a lament before the Lord.

1 Chronicles – Chapter 9: The People in Jerusalem

The People in Jerusalem.  This should be exciting, right?  Shall we pray for excitement?  😊

“All Israel was listed in the genealogies recorded in the book of the kings of Israel and Judah. They were taken captive to Babylon because of their unfaithfulness.” – 1 Chronicles 9:1

I somehow doubt the Israelites were unfaithful.  Did they break a few of the silly, nonsensical rules set forth by God?  Probably.  Did they sleep around a bit?  Probably.  That’s human nature.  But truly unfaithful?  I doubt it.  It’s more likely that God (or rather the male authors of the Bible) got bored.

“But the four principal gatekeepers, who were Levites, were entrusted with the responsibility for the rooms and treasuries in the house of God.  They would spend the night stationed around the house of God, because they had to guard it; and they had charge of the key for opening it each morning.” – 1 Chronicles 9:26-27

This has to be the worst job in the world.  Think about it.  Do one tiny thing wrong or make one minuscule error and you are toast.  Literally burnt to a crisp!  This is not a loving god.  This is not a patient god (despite what 1 Chronicles 7 tells us).  You are walking on egg shells every second of every day for as long as you are a gatekeeper.  Maybe the job comes with some great death benefits!

I’ll conclude there.  There are several more verses of genealogy as we’ve come to expect in 1 Chronicles, but there’s really no need for me to discuss any further.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 10:  Saul Takes His Life

1 Chronicles – Chapter 8: The Genealogy of Saul the Benjamite

In the previous chapter of 1 Chronicles we learned all about the ‘good’ fighting men needed to fight God’s wars.  There was also a brief mention of the many wives producing these men, but they lack a penis so let’s not waste too much time talking about them.  Please note my sarcasm.  Let’s see what 1 Chronicles 8 has in store for us.

“Benjamin was the father of Bela his firstborn…” – 1 Chronicles 8:1

And thus begins the genealogy of Saul the Benjamite.

“Sons were born to Shaharaim in Moab after he had divorced his wives Hushim and Baara.” – 1 Chronicles 8:8

He has multiple wives AND gets to divorce them?  Oh the Christian irony.  Yes, I know this is the Old Testament, but the hypocrisy of what many of today’s Christians accept as moral boggles my mind.  Multiple wives?  Sweet Jesus that’s cool.  Gay partners?  That’s so unmoral and against the word of God.  Lesbians?  Ummm…yeah, I guess they are cool.  Sigh.

That concludes 1 Chronicles 8.  Several more verses of genealogy, but nothing worth the time to write about.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 9:  The People in Jerusalem

1 Chronicles – Chapter 7: Issachar

If you were getting sick of Psalms I have good news for you as we are now moving back to 1 Chronicles!  It’s still the Bible though, so don’t get too excited.  If you’re looking for morals or a guidance on how to live a good life, this book is NOT for you.  Use your own judgement as it is a far more moral guide than the Bible.

“The sons of Issachar:  Tola, Puah, Jashub and Shimron—four in all.” – 1 Chronicles 7:1

I should have mentioned that if you are not a fan of genealogy of people in which no evidence is available to prove their existence, then you probably don’t think moving from Psalms to 1 Chronicles is good news.  Sorry.

“The sons of Izrahiah: Michael, Obadiah, Joel and Ishiah. All five of them were chiefs. 4 According to their family genealogy, they had 36,000 men ready for battle, for they had many wives and children.” – 1 Chronicles 7:3

How else, if not for having many wives to serve as baby makers, can you build an army of fighting men?  God demands you fight and to fight you need numbers and to get numbers you need to force women to have your army babies.

“There were 17,200 fighting men ready to go out to war.” – 1 Chronicles 7:11

Throughout this chapter the numbers given are not the number of people, but the number of fighting men.  Unless you are male and a fighter, you do not count.

The rest of the chapter continues with more of the same.  God needs armies to fight.  Only fighting men are counted among the numbers.  To get fighting men, the previous generation of fighting men must take many wives.  Given a period of about 9 months to give birth, one wife will not do.  Many wives, all pregnant at the same time, are needed to quickly build an army in a single generation.  Morals?  Hardly.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 8:  The Genealogy of Saul the Benjamite

1 Chronicles – Chapter 6: Levi

We’ve been reading through Psalms for the last few chapters and now it’s time to head back to 1 Chronicles, which thus far, has been very little but a listing of who’s who in the Bible.

“The sons of Levi:  Gershon, Kohath and Merari.” – 1 Chronicles 6:1

This continues for the next thirty verses.

“These are the men David put in charge of the music in the house of the Lord after the ark came to rest there.” – 1 Chronicles 6:31

Good to know…or not. 😊  Following this is a list of who gets what land.  Land, of course, that was already occupied by other people that God steals from.

That concludes this chapter of 1 Chronicles.  It’s a long chapter with eighty-one verses, but other than a who’s who and a listing of who gets what land, there’s little of importance to note.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 81:  For the director of music. According to gittith. Of Asaph.