1 Chronicles 13:9-10

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today we see God, the village idiot.

“When they came to the threshing floor of Kidon, Uzzah reached out his hand to steady the ark, because the oxen stumbled. The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah, and he struck him down because he had put his hand on the ark. So he died there before God.” – 1 Chronicles 13:9-10

Someone tries to help God by saving the ark from damage and God kills that person. Jesus fucking christ.

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1 Chronicles Recap

Last week I finished the last chapter of 1 Chronicles, so here’s a brief recap of the book before moving on.  Much of 1 Chronicles is a direct copy, word for word, of 2 Samuel, although there are a few contradictions.  It’s hard for me to understand what the men who decided which books would be included in the Bible were thinking.  For starters, why include books that are direct copies of each other?  Second, why include books that are almost direct copies but contain contradictions?  I’ve said it before and I’ll likely say it many more times in the future, but the Bible would be much more believable if the contradictions were removed.  Had the Bible makers been more careful and removed much of the impossible nonsense, the Bible, although still a bit crazy, comes across as a much more rational book.

Not all of 1 Chronicles is a copy of 2 Samuel, however.  The last several chapters of 1 Chronicles include a listing of which tribes are responsible for which jobs in the Israelite society.  The Bible has many chapters that drone on and on about who does what.  Nothing important, but chapters that take up a great deal of space.  Christians describe this as a book of morals to live one’s life by, but unfortunately the Bible is stuffed full of lists of who does what and is lacking in actual morals.  Simple morals too, such as not raping, killing, stealing, etc.  There’s a lot of hate in 1 Chronicles that it is clear the Bible is not a book of morals.

The book of 1 Chronicles also brings us the end of David as leader of the Israelites.  David passes his throne to his son, Solomon, and dies of old age near the end of the book.  David was not a good character, killing thousands, if not tens of thousands, and raping as many or more women.  All under the protective eyes of God.  A book of morals?  Nope.

1 Chronicles – Chapter 29: Gifts for Building the Temple

Today we have the last chapter in 1 Chronicles.

“Then King David said to the whole assembly: ‘My son Solomon, the one whom God has chosen, is young and inexperienced.’” – 1 Chronicles 29:1

Sounds like the perfect set of skills to lead a nation of people!

“But who am I, and who are my people, that we should be able to give as generously as this?” – 1 Chronicles 29:14

You are the people, under the direction and guidance of God, who looted and plundered the land, so what you so generously gave was likely stolen from others.

“The next day they made sacrifices to the Lord and presented burnt offerings to him: a thousand bulls, a thousand rams and a thousand male lambs, together with their drink offerings, and other sacrifices in abundance for all Israel.” – 1 Chronicles 29:21

This seems like a huge waste of desperately needed resources for people living in this time period.  Let’s burn all the food we need for nourishment!!!

“The Lord highly exalted Solomon in the sight of all Israel and bestowed on him royal splendor such as no king over Israel ever had before.” – 1 Chronicles 29:25

Solomon is now officially king of the Israelites.

“He (David) died at a good old age, having enjoyed long life, wealth and honor.” – 1 Chronicles 29:28

You wouldn’t know it listening to David’s whining and complaining in Psalms.

Thus concludes 1 Chronicles and the reign of David.  A reign filled with rape, murder, and devastation of people different from the Israelites.  A reign filled with horrors and immoral values.  A reign made possible by an evil god.  A god 2 billion Christians in the world today claim to worship.  Most of these 2 billion have never read the Bible and have no clue the horrors it contains.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 127:  A song of ascents. Of Solomon.

1 Chronicles – Chapter 28: David’s Plans for the Temple

In today’s chapter the focus shifts away from listing who is doing what and turns to plans for a temple.  Rape and slavery?  No time to focus on the immorality of those because God’s temple is more important!

“But God said to me, ‘You are not to build a house for my Name, because you are a warrior and have shed blood.’” – 1 Chronicles 28:3

Um…okay?

“Yet the Lord, the God of Israel, chose me from my whole family to be king over Israel forever. He chose Judah as leader, and from the tribe of Judah he chose my family, and from my father’s sons he was pleased to make me king over all Israel. Of all my sons—and the Lord has given me many—he has chosen my son Solomon to sit on the throne of the kingdom of the Lord over Israel.” – 1 Chronicles 28:4-5

Cue evil cackle now.  Seriously, could this sound any more evil or conceited?

“Be careful to follow all the commands of the Lord your God, that you may possess this good land and pass it on as an inheritance to your descendants forever.” – 1 Chronicles 28:8

Don’t mess up.  If you touch God’s stuff in the wrong way he will smote you down!

“And you, my son Solomon, acknowledge the God of your father, and serve him with wholehearted devotion and with a willing mind, for the Lord searches every heart and understands every desire and every thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you; but if you forsake him, he will reject you forever. Consider now, for the Lord has chosen you to build a house as the sanctuary. Be strong and do the work.” – 1 Chronicles 28:9-10

And if God says to rape and kill, you’d better do it!  You don’t want to face God’s wrath!

“He designated the weight of gold for all the gold articles to be used in various kinds of service, and the weight of silver for all the silver articles to be used in various kinds of service: the weight of gold for the gold lampstands and their lamps, with the weight for each lampstand and its lamps; and the weight of silver for each silver lampstand and its lamps, according to the use of each lampstand; the weight of gold for each table for consecrated bread; the weight of silver for the silver tables; the weight of pure gold for the forks, sprinkling bowls and pitchers; the weight of gold for each gold dish; the weight of silver for each silver dish; and the weight of the refined gold for the altar of incense. He also gave him the plan for the chariot, that is, the cherubim of gold that spread their wings and overshadow the ark of the covenant of the Lord.” – 1 Chronicles 28:14-18

This is insane!!!  The Bible spends more time talking about the weight of a gold fucking lamp than it does denouncing rape and slavery!

Wow!  What a chapter filled with biblical morals!  How would people know how to be moral if it wasn’t for these detailed instruction on how to build a gold lamp?  Can you imagine how many gold lamps people would have messed up had they not had the Bible as an instruction manual?  Phew!

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 29:  Gifts for Building the Temple

1 Chronicles – Chapter 27: Army Divisions

The last few chapters in 1 Chronicles are little more than a listing of people by job or duty.  This continues in today’s chapter, 1 Chronicles 27.

“This is the list of the Israelites—heads of families, commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds, and their officers, who served the king in all that concerned the army divisions that were on duty month by month throughout the year.” – 1 Chronicles 27:1

Plenty of room in the Bible to list the Israelites serving in the army, but no room to denounce rape and slavery.  Biblical morals.

“Joab son of Zeruiah began to count the men but did not finish. God’s wrath came on Israel on account of this numbering, and the number was not entered in the book of the annals of King David.” – 1 Chronicles 27:24

God:  I’m okay with rape and slavery, but if you don’t correctly count the men in the army I will fuck you over like you wouldn’t believe.

That does it for this chapter.  All other verses are counts of the army divisions and a list of who is in charge of what.  Verse 24 is hilarious because it points out how immoral the Christian god is in the book that Christians claim is the literal truth of God.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 28:  David’s Plans for the Temple

1 Chronicles – Chapter 27: Army Divisions

Today we move from the book of Psalms to 1 Chronicles.  We’ll spend a few chapters in 1 Chronicles, finishing out this book.  1 Chronicles 26 starts out with a list of the gatekeepers.  The authors of the Bible were far more concerned with the details of who had what job to spend much time on protecting the innocent from murder and rape.  One big omission in the list of gatekeepers is no women.  Only men are important enough to list in the Bible.  The second part of the book is a listing of who is in charge of the treasuries.  Again, only men are allowed to be in charge of the money.

“Some of the plunder taken in battle they dedicated for the repair of the temple of the Lord.” – 1 Chronicles 26:27

Here’s the reason why God demands war.  He wants the plunders of war to build his temple.  LOL!  A moral god?  Hardly.

And that’s pretty much it for this chapter.  There’s no need for me to list the names of gatekeepers and treasurers.  Look up the chapter yourself if you’re really interested in this list of men.  The take away from this chapter is there is far more effort placed in listing people’s jobs than there is about stopping murder and rape.  In addition, the Bible once again shows its misogynistic ways by including no women.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 27:  Army Divisions

Psalm – Chapter 131: A song of ascents. Of David.

After a few very boring chapters in 1 Chronicles, we move back to Psalms for a few chapters.

My heart is not proud, Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content. Israel, put your hope in the Lord both now and forevermore.” – Psalm 131:1-3

The above verses are the entirety of Psalm 131.  David is not haughty?  Give me a break.  David is the very definition of haughty.  Ug.  Even the short chapters in Psalms are disgusting in that they are filled with lies.

 

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 138:  Of David.