1 Kings 11:3

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and you can add today’s verse to the category of WTF.

“He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray.” – 1 Kings 11:3

There are a couple of things to digest in this verse.  To start, 700 wives?  Seriously?  You can have sex every day of the year and it would still take you the better part of the year to get through all 700 wives.  Then you have 300 concubines?  At what point does it become too much?  This is just ridiculous, and let’s not forget, all of it is God approved.

Second, his wives led him astray?  You have 700 wives!  And 300 concubines!  You led yourself astray you idiot!!!

Sigh.  Biblical values.  Lots of wives, add some concubines, then blame the wives that you have concubines.  A book of morality this is not.

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1 Kings – Chapter 4: Solomon’s Officials and Governors

In the last chapter of 1 Kings we learned that Solomon the wise is not really wise.  He’s a dipshit with no critical thinking.  Threatening the life of a baby does not make one wise.  Let’s see what this chapter has in store for us.

“Adoniram son of Abda—in charge of forced labor.” – 1 Kings 4:6

This chapter starts with a list of people in charge of certain things.  One of these is forced labor.  In other words, slavery.  God still supports slavery.  There’s no if, and, or but about it.  The god of the Bible supports slavery.

“The people of Judah and Israel were as numerous as the sand on the seashore; they ate, they drank and they were happy.” – 1 Kings 4:20

Except, of course, the forced laborers who are slaves.

“During Solomon’s lifetime Judah and Israel, from Dan to Beersheba, lived in safety, everyone under their own vine and under their own fig tree.” – 1 Kings 4:25

Um…this is a lie and we’ll soon see it.  Even in this very chapter, there are slaves.  Those forced into labor by others are not living in safety.

“God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore.” – 1 Kings 4:29

The wisdom to have slaves?  Wisdom given is only as wise as the giver.  In this case, the god of the Bible is not very wise.

“He spoke about plant life, from the cedar of Lebanon to the hyssop that grows out of walls. He also spoke about animals and birds, reptiles and fish.” – 1 Kings 4:33

It’s easy to say a lot on a lot of things.  True wisdom comes when you get those things right.  Given the ‘wise’ Solomon has slaves, I highly doubt he knows much about plants and animals.

That does it for this chapter.  More on how wise Solomon is, but no actual evidence of this wisdom.

Coming Soon:  2 Chronicles – Chapter 1:  Solomon Asks for Wisdom

1 Kings – Chapter 3: Solomon Asks for Wisdom

Today we move from Psalms back to 1 Kings.  This chapter begins with God asking Solomon to ask from him what he needs and Solomon does so.

“So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?” – 1 Kings 3:9

You’re an adult who should very well know the difference from right and wrong!!!  This is what you ask of God?

“The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this.” – 1 Kings 3:10

Seriously?  An all-powerful, all-knowing god was pleased with this dumb ass question?  How about a question on how to fix poverty?  How to avoid famine?  How to treat women equally?  How to live in peace?  Jesus fucking christ.

“Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both wealth and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings.” 1 Kings 3:13

Oh for fuck’s sake.  Instead of providing Solomon with real wisdom to help his people, God agrees to give Solomon riches, while the poor suffer.

“Then Solomon awoke—and he realized it had been a dream.” – 1 Kings 3:15

ROFL!  This is God’s out-clause.  Sorry Christians.  The killing continues because it was all a dream!

“Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One of them said, ‘Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me.  The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.’” – 1 Kings 3:16-18

This is a well-known story in which two women are battling over who is the true birth mother of a child.  It’s supposed to show how wise Solomon is, but as you’ll see in a moment, it really shows how dumb and irrational he is.

“He then gave an order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’ The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’  But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’ Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.” – 1 Kings 3:25-28

What a crock of shit!  This isn’t wisdom!  This is straight up stupidity.  Solomon made a decision based on the emotions of two people in a situation filled with emotion.  No evidence was sought.  Solomon should have interviewed the women separately.  He should have interviewed those who knew the women.  He should have investigated their homes.  No, this story doesn’t show Solomon’s wisdom.  It really shows a real lack of wisdom.  He threatened the death of a child.  That’s not a sign of wisdom.

Ug, what a way to end this chapter.  Solomon the wise.  No.  Solomon the dipshit with no critical thinking skills.

Coming Soon:  1 Kings – Chapter 4:  Solomon’s Officials and Governors

1 Kings – Chapter 2: David’s Charge to Solomon

In the first chapter of 1 Kings we learned there was a bit of dispute as to who was king.  That seems to have been cleared up, but let’s see how this develops in the second chapter.

“When the time drew near for David to die, he gave a charge to Solomon his son. ‘I am about to go the way of all the earth,’ he said. ‘So be strong, act like a man, and observe what the Lord your God requires: Walk in obedience to him, and keep his decrees and commands, his laws and regulations, as written in the Law of Moses. Do this so that you may prosper in all you do and wherever you go and that the Lord may keep his promise to me: ‘If your descendants watch how they live, and if they walk faithfully before me with all their heart and soul, you will never fail to have a successor on the throne of Israel.’’” – 1 Kings 2:1-4

In other words, if God tells you to murder or rape, you’d better or he will destroy you and your people!

“And remember, you have with you Shimei son of Gera, the Benjamite from Bahurim, who called down bitter curses on me the day I went to Mahanaim. When he came down to meet me at the Jordan, I swore to him by the Lord: ‘I will not put you to death by the sword.’ But now, do not consider him innocent. You are a man of wisdom; you will know what to do to him. Bring his gray head down to the grave in blood.” – 1 Kings 2:8-9

So much for forgiveness.  The bloodshed has been ordered to continue.

“Then David rested with his ancestors and was buried in the City of David. He had reigned forty years over Israel—seven years in Hebron and thirty-three in Jerusalem.” – 1 Kings 2:10-11

The reign of David comes to an end after forty years.

“So he (Adonijah) contnued, ‘Please ask King Solomon—he will not refuse you—to give me Abishag the Shunammite as my wife.’” – 1 Kings 2:17

Forcing a woman to be a wife?  Surely Solomon will refuse, right?

“King Solomon answered his mother, ‘Why do you request Abishag the Shunammite for Adonijah? You might as well request the kingdom for him—after all, he is my older brother—yes, for him and for Abiathar the priest and Joab son of Zeruiah!’ Then King Solomon swore by the Lord: ‘May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if Adonijah does not pay with his life for this request! And now, as surely as the Lord lives—he who has established me securely on the throne of my father David and has founded a dynasty for me as he promised—Adonijah shall be put to death today!’ So King Solomon gave orders to Benaiah son of Jehoiada, and he struck down Adonijah and he died.” – 1 Kings 2:22-25

Okay, this is fucked up.  Solomon does not grant the request to deliver Abishag to be Adonijah’s wife.  But not because it’s a forced marriage.  Solomon is more upset that the request will undermine his authority as king.  Then Solomon has Adonijah killed.  The request is an awful request, don’t get me wrong, but worthy of death?  Only in the world of this evil god.

“May the guilt of their blood rest on the head of Joab and his descendants forever.” – 1 Kings 2:33

And what exactly have Joab’s unborn descendants done?  Nothing.  Another unjustified punishment.

“Then the king sent for Shimei and said to him, ‘Build yourself a house in Jerusalem and live there, but do not go anywhere else. The day you leave and cross the Kidron Valley, you can be sure you will die; your blood will be on your own head.’ Shimei answered the king, ‘What you say is good. Your servant will do as my lord the king has said.’ And Shimei stayed in Jerusalem for a long time. But three years later, two of Shimei’s slaves ran off to Achish son of Maakah, king of Gath, and Shimei was told, ‘Your slaves are in Gath.’ At this, he saddled his donkey and went to Achish at Gath in search of his slaves. So Shimei went away and brought the slaves back from Gath. When Solomon was told that Shimei had gone from Jerusalem to Gath and had returned, the king summoned Shimei and said to him, ‘Did I not make you swear by the Lord and warn you, ‘On the day you leave to go anywhere else, you can be sure you will die’? At that time you said to me, ‘What you say is good. I will obey.’ Why then did you not keep your oath to the Lord and obey the command I gave you?’ The king also said to Shimei, ‘You know in your heart all the wrong you did to my father David. Now the Lord will repay you for your wrongdoing. But King Solomon will be blessed, and David’s throne will remain secure before the Lord forever.’ Then the king gave the order to Benaiah son of Jehoiada, and he went out and struck Shimei down and he died. The kingdom was now established in Solomon’s hands.” – 1 Kings 2:36-46

That’s a fucked up ending to this chapter.  I understand putting Shimei under what is essentially house arrest.  He went to get his slaves.  Why again are there still slaves?  Isn’t the Bible a book of morals?  Sigh.  But back to Shimei leaving.  He didn’t leave to do anything devious.  He came right back.  Yet Solomon has Shimei killed because of it.  Another unjustified punishment.  But that’s the story of the Bible.  Unjustified punishments.

Well, we learned in this chapter that the bloodshed we saw under the reign of David will definitely continue under the reign of Solomon.  Solomon has set out to kill anyone against David and the punishments are death, most often unjustified.  In particular, the punishment of Joab’s unborn descendants is the very definition of unjustified.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 37:  Of David.

1 Kings – Chapter 1: Adonijah Sets Himself Up as King

Today we start a new book, 1 Kings.  Let’s take a look at how it starts.

“When King David was very old, he could not keep warm even when they put covers over him. So his attendants said to him, “Let us look for a young virgin to serve the king and take care of him. She can lie beside him so that our lord the king may keep warm.” – 1 Kings 1:1-2

WTF?!?!?  1 Kings starts with the possible rape of a virgin.  So much for thinking the Bible would clean itself up and start talking about real morals.

“The woman was very beautiful; she took care of the king and waited on him, but the king had no sexual relations with her.” – 1 Kings 1:4

This doesn’t make the situation any better.  The king doesn’t rape her, but she’s still a slave to do the king’s bidding.  She has no choice in the matter.

“Now Adonijah, whose mother was Haggith, put himself forward and said, ‘I will be king.’” – 1 Kings 1:5

David previously proclaimed Solomon king, so trouble is now brewing.

“Otherwise, as soon as my lord the king is laid to rest with his ancestors, I and my son Solomon will be treated as criminals.” – 1 Kings 1:21

This is true.  If Solomon is not king, both him and his mother are in great danger.  Unless, of course, the all-mighty God who supported David actually had the decency to step in and do something.  But, he doesn’t.  He prefers blood.

“The king then took an oath: ‘As surely as the Lord lives, who has delivered me out of every trouble, I will surely carry out this very day what I swore to you by the Lord, the God of Israel: Solomon your son shall be king after me, and he will sit on my throne in my place.’” – 1 Kings 1:29-30

David makes it clear Solomon is to be king.

“As the Lord was with my lord the king, so may he be with Solomon to make his throne even greater than the throne of my lord King David!” – 1 Kings 1:37

Given David’s rule was filled with rape and murder, I’m not sure we should describe his throne as great.

“Solomon replied, ‘If he (Adonijah) shows himself to be worthy, not a hair of his head will fall to the ground; but if evil is found in him, he will die.’” – 1 Kings 1:52

Pretty much everything is evil in the eyes of the Lord, so I’d not rest easy if I was Adonijah.

This concludes the first chapter of 1 Kings.  It starts with the enslavement of a virgin girl forced to take care of David.  The remainder discusses the conflict between Solomon and Adonijah as to who is now king.  The issue seems to be resolved, with Solomon proclaimed as king by David again, but we shall find out in future chapters how this all plays out.

Coming Soon:  1 Kings – Chapter 2:  David’s Charge to Solomon

Introduction to 1 Kings

David is dead and the reign of Solomon as leader of the Israelites has begun.  Very soon I’ll discuss the first chapter of the book of 1 Kings, but first let me provide a brief intro of what to expect in 1 Kings.

1 Kings presents a history of Israel from the time of David’s death forward for a handful of centuries.  Supposedly this book was written by Jeremiah, a prophet, but as always, we really have no idea who wrote most chapters in the Bible, so it’s ridiculous to claim a specific person wrote the book.

Basically what we’ll see in this book is several chapters devoted to God taking care of the Israelites, then the Israelites doing something stupid/wrong in the eyes of God, followed by God reigning destruction on the Israelites.  In other words we’ll see God at his asshole best.

Stay tuned.  In two days I’ll post my discussion on the first chapter of 1 Kings.

1 Kings 14:17

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse shows that God is NOT just.

“Then Jeroboam’s wife got up and left and went to Tirzah. As soon as she stepped over the threshold of the house, the boy died.” – 1 Kings 14:17

To be fair, you need to read 1 Kings 14 from the beginning to get the full story.  God is angry at the Israelites and as punishment will kill every male in this town.  Even if we assume this was an evil town (again, little evidence of this), God just killed a boy.  A child.  God killed a child because he was in a pissy mood.  This is not a just god.  This is an evil god.  This is a god NO ONE should worship.  The Bible makes this very clear.  Actions speak louder than words and God’s action in this verse was to kill a child.