1 Kings – Chapter 8: The Ark Brought to the Temple

Now that the temple is built, it’s time to bring the ark.

“The priests and Levites carried them up, and King Solomon and the entire assembly of Israel that had gathered about him were before the ark, sacrificing so many sheep and cattle that they could not be recorded or counted.” – 1 Kings 8:4-5

WTF? Even in a time of supposed celebration, God insists on a fucking bloodbath. Too many to count?!?!

“When the priests withdrew from the Holy Place, the cloud filled the temple of the Lord. And the priests could not perform their service because of the cloud, for the glory of the Lord filled his temple.” – 1 Kings 8:10-11

Or, you know, someone burned their macaroni and cheese. God is a cloud? Give me a break.

“Then Solomon said, “The Lord has said that he would dwell in a dark cloud…” – 1 Kings 8:12

ROFL. God is a dark cloud? What a joke!

“But will God really dwell on earth? The heavens, even the highest heaven, cannot contain you.” – 1 Kings 8:27

Obviously. Clouds can squeeze through tight spaces!

“When the heavens are shut up and there is no rain because your people have sinned against you…” – 1 Kings 8:35

See little Johnny…when you whack your pecker, God gets mad and stops it from raining.

“And forgive your people, who have sinned against you; forgive all the offenses they have committed against you, and cause their captors to show them mercy; for they are your people and your inheritance, whom you brought out of Egypt, out of that iron-smelting furnace.” – 1 Kings 8:50-51

Hard to forgive those you’ve already killed.

Wow! An insanely long chapter in which the ark was brought to the temple and Solomon begs God to not punish the Israelites too much. Seriously, that’s what this chapter is about. Solomon begs God to not hurt them too much, but fully expects God to hurt them because all people sin. A god to be worshipped? Nope!

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 5: The Ark Brought to the Temple

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1 Kings – Chapter 7: Solomon Builds His Palace

Now that the temple is completed, it’s time to build Solomon’s palace. Sigh. Book of morals this is not.

“It took Solomon thirteen years, however, to complete the construction of his palace.” – 1 Kings 7:1

No, Solomon did not build the palace. Slaves did.

Fifty one verses later the chapter is done, but there’s not a single verse worth discussing. They are nothing but a list of materials used to build the palace.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 4: The Temple’s Furnishings

1 Kings – Chapter 6: Solomon Builds the Temple

The last chapter brought us the ever so important information on the preparations of building God’s temple, including God’s approval of slavery. This chapter brings us the building of the temple. Very important for morals, right?

“The word of the Lord came to Solomon: As for this temple you are building, if you follow my decrees, observe my laws and keep all my commands and obey them, I will fulfill through you the promise I gave to David your father.’” – 1 Kings 6:11-12

You mean the temple the slaves built? Solomon did none of the building.

“Solomon covered the inside of the temple with pure gold, and he extended gold chains across the front of the inner sanctuary, which was overlaid with gold.” – 1 Kings 6:21

All while the poor starve and struggle to remain alive.

I won’t bore you with the other details of the temple building. Every verse details the specifics of the temple, including all of the gold used. A moral god would use the wealth to help the people, but not the god of the Bible.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 2: Preparations for Building the Temple

1 Kings – Chapter 5: Preparations for Building the Temple

After a long detour through Proverbs, we are now back in 1 Kings where today we get to learn all about the ever so important preparations on building the temple. Important stuff I tell you. 🙂

“I intend, therefore, to build a temple for the Name of the Lord my God, as the Lord told my father David, when he said, ‘Your son whom I will put on the throne in your place will build the temple for my Name.’” – 1 Kings 5:5

Apparently God needs mortals to build him a temple. The all-powerful god of the Bible doesn’t have the means to do it himself.

“You know that we have no one so skilled in felling timber as the Sidonians.” – 1 Kings 5:6

Apparently David’s men, those blessed by God, don’t know how to cut down trees. Hmm.

“The Lord gave Solomon wisdom, just as he had promised him.” – 1 Kings 5:12

But not the wisdom to know how to cut down trees. 🙂

“Adoniram was in charge of the forced labor.” – 1 Kings 5:14

God needs slaves to build his temple.

Overall 1 Kings 5 is a pretty worthless chapter in what Christians call the book of morals. But it does show us God still approves of slavery. Moral indeed.

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 6: Solomon Builds the Temple

1 Kings 11:3

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and you can add today’s verse to the category of WTF.

“He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray.” – 1 Kings 11:3

There are a couple of things to digest in this verse.  To start, 700 wives?  Seriously?  You can have sex every day of the year and it would still take you the better part of the year to get through all 700 wives.  Then you have 300 concubines?  At what point does it become too much?  This is just ridiculous, and let’s not forget, all of it is God approved.

Second, his wives led him astray?  You have 700 wives!  And 300 concubines!  You led yourself astray you idiot!!!

Sigh.  Biblical values.  Lots of wives, add some concubines, then blame the wives that you have concubines.  A book of morality this is not.

1 Kings – Chapter 4: Solomon’s Officials and Governors

In the last chapter of 1 Kings we learned that Solomon the wise is not really wise.  He’s a dipshit with no critical thinking.  Threatening the life of a baby does not make one wise.  Let’s see what this chapter has in store for us.

“Adoniram son of Abda—in charge of forced labor.” – 1 Kings 4:6

This chapter starts with a list of people in charge of certain things.  One of these is forced labor.  In other words, slavery.  God still supports slavery.  There’s no if, and, or but about it.  The god of the Bible supports slavery.

“The people of Judah and Israel were as numerous as the sand on the seashore; they ate, they drank and they were happy.” – 1 Kings 4:20

Except, of course, the forced laborers who are slaves.

“During Solomon’s lifetime Judah and Israel, from Dan to Beersheba, lived in safety, everyone under their own vine and under their own fig tree.” – 1 Kings 4:25

Um…this is a lie and we’ll soon see it.  Even in this very chapter, there are slaves.  Those forced into labor by others are not living in safety.

“God gave Solomon wisdom and very great insight, and a breadth of understanding as measureless as the sand on the seashore.” – 1 Kings 4:29

The wisdom to have slaves?  Wisdom given is only as wise as the giver.  In this case, the god of the Bible is not very wise.

“He spoke about plant life, from the cedar of Lebanon to the hyssop that grows out of walls. He also spoke about animals and birds, reptiles and fish.” – 1 Kings 4:33

It’s easy to say a lot on a lot of things.  True wisdom comes when you get those things right.  Given the ‘wise’ Solomon has slaves, I highly doubt he knows much about plants and animals.

That does it for this chapter.  More on how wise Solomon is, but no actual evidence of this wisdom.

Coming Soon:  2 Chronicles – Chapter 1:  Solomon Asks for Wisdom

1 Kings – Chapter 3: Solomon Asks for Wisdom

Today we move from Psalms back to 1 Kings.  This chapter begins with God asking Solomon to ask from him what he needs and Solomon does so.

“So give your servant a discerning heart to govern your people and to distinguish between right and wrong. For who is able to govern this great people of yours?” – 1 Kings 3:9

You’re an adult who should very well know the difference from right and wrong!!!  This is what you ask of God?

“The Lord was pleased that Solomon had asked for this.” – 1 Kings 3:10

Seriously?  An all-powerful, all-knowing god was pleased with this dumb ass question?  How about a question on how to fix poverty?  How to avoid famine?  How to treat women equally?  How to live in peace?  Jesus fucking christ.

“Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both wealth and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings.” 1 Kings 3:13

Oh for fuck’s sake.  Instead of providing Solomon with real wisdom to help his people, God agrees to give Solomon riches, while the poor suffer.

“Then Solomon awoke—and he realized it had been a dream.” – 1 Kings 3:15

ROFL!  This is God’s out-clause.  Sorry Christians.  The killing continues because it was all a dream!

“Now two prostitutes came to the king and stood before him. One of them said, ‘Pardon me, my lord. This woman and I live in the same house, and I had a baby while she was there with me.  The third day after my child was born, this woman also had a baby. We were alone; there was no one in the house but the two of us.’” – 1 Kings 3:16-18

This is a well-known story in which two women are battling over who is the true birth mother of a child.  It’s supposed to show how wise Solomon is, but as you’ll see in a moment, it really shows how dumb and irrational he is.

“He then gave an order: ‘Cut the living child in two and give half to one and half to the other.’ The woman whose son was alive was deeply moved out of love for her son and said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’  But the other said, ‘Neither I nor you shall have him. Cut him in two!’ Then the king gave his ruling: ‘Give the living baby to the first woman. Do not kill him; she is his mother.’ When all Israel heard the verdict the king had given, they held the king in awe, because they saw that he had wisdom from God to administer justice.” – 1 Kings 3:25-28

What a crock of shit!  This isn’t wisdom!  This is straight up stupidity.  Solomon made a decision based on the emotions of two people in a situation filled with emotion.  No evidence was sought.  Solomon should have interviewed the women separately.  He should have interviewed those who knew the women.  He should have investigated their homes.  No, this story doesn’t show Solomon’s wisdom.  It really shows a real lack of wisdom.  He threatened the death of a child.  That’s not a sign of wisdom.

Ug, what a way to end this chapter.  Solomon the wise.  No.  Solomon the dipshit with no critical thinking skills.

Coming Soon:  1 Kings – Chapter 4:  Solomon’s Officials and Governors