Recap of 1 Kings

A couple of weeks ago I finished the last chapter of 1 Kings, but never got around to writing a short recap of the chapter. So here it is, a recap of 1 Kings before we move on to 2 Kings.

1 Kings tells the story of the kings that followed David. The most famous of these kings in biblical stories is probably Solomon. Some of these kings did good in the eyes of God, others did not. God never shows himself, but supposedly speaks to the kings through prophets, as if that is supposed to convince us God is real.

What does it mean to do good in the eyes of God? Usually that means having multiple wives and killing a bunch of people. It’s really hard to tell how God determines who is good and who is not. We do know that worshipping other gods is bad in the eyes of God, but then again, God never comes down and says it is bad. If this God is real, you just have to guess and do your best. Chances are God will disapprove of you, but don’t worry, you are unlikely to be punished. Your wives and kids for generations, however, will be harmed! That’s the God way!

1 Kings – Chapter 22: Micaiah Prophesies Against Ahab

The last few chapters of 1 Kings have sent horrible messages and are anything but moral. Let’s see what this chapter has in store for us.

“Micaiah continued, ‘Therefore hear the word of the Lord: I saw the Lord sitting on his throne with all the multitudes of heaven standing around him on his right and on his left. And the Lord said, ‘Who will entice Ahab into attacking Ramoth Gilead and going to his death there?’ ‘One suggested this, and another that. Finally, a spirit came forward, stood before the Lord and said, ‘I will entice him.’ ‘By what means?’ the Lord asked. ‘I will go out and be a deceiving spirit in the mouths of all his prophets,’ he said. ‘You will succeed in enticing him,’ said the Lord. ‘Go and do it.’ ‘So now the Lord has put a deceiving spirit in the mouths of all these prophets of yours. The Lord has decreed disaster for you.’” – 1 Kings 19-23

Wow! This is a huge word salad of nonsense but ultimately results in the Lord sending out deceiving spirits so people can die.

“So the king died and was brought to Samaria, and they buried him there.” – 1 Kings 21:37

And God’s bloodlust is satisfied…for now.

The chapter ends with a few more verses on new kings who came and went, because they did evil in the eyes of the Lord. In the end, nobody, not even the most righteous man of all, Job, can satisfy God.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 18: Micaiah Prophesies Against Ahab

1 Kings – Chapter 21: Naboth’s Vineyard

Today we continue in 1 Kings, which means the ridiculous nonsense we’ve heard so far will likely continue. A reminder of an example of the ridiculousness is the man who was eaten by a lion for not trying to strike down another man with a sword. Yep, it’s in the Bible folks.

“So Ahab went home, sullen and angry because Naboth the Jezreelite had said, ‘I will not give you the inheritance of my ancestors.’ He lay on his bed sulking and refused to eat.” 1 Kings 21:4

Man, what a cry baby!

“So she wrote letters in Ahab’s name, placed his seal on them, and sent them to the elders and nobles who lived in Naboth’s city with him.” – 1 Kings 21:8

This is not a very nice thing Ahab’s wife did.

“Then two scoundrels came and sat opposite him and brought charges against Naboth before the people, saying, ‘Naboth has cursed both God and the king.’ So they took him outside the city and stoned him to death.” – 1 Kings 21:13

And just like that Naboth is killed. No trial. God does nothing to stop this evil.

“When Ahab heard that Naboth was dead, he got up and went down to take possession of Naboth’s vineyard.” – 1 Kings 21:16

Not nice!

“Say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: Have you not murdered a man and seized his property?’ Then say to him, ‘This is what the Lord says: In the place where dogs licked up Naboth’s blood, dogs will lick up your blood—yes, yours!’” – 1 Kings 21:19

Too little too late God. You could have stopped this before the murder.

“He says, ‘I am going to bring disaster on you. I will wipe out your descendants and cut off from Ahab every last male in Israel—slave or free.’” – 1 Kings 21:21

And now God goes on to dole out punishment and death to the innocent descendants.

“(There was never anyone like Ahab, who sold himself to do evil in the eyes of the Lord, urged on by Jezebel his wife. He behaved in the vilest manner by going after idols, like the Amorites the Lord drove out before Israel.)” – 1 Kings 21:25-26

Seriously? No one like Ahab? God has done FAR more evil than Ahab.

“When Ahab heard these words, he tore his clothes, put on sackcloth and fasted. He lay in sackcloth and went around meekly. Then the word of the Lord came to Elijah the Tishbite: ‘Have you noticed how Ahab has humbled himself before me? Because he has humbled himself, I will not bring this disaster in his day, but I will bring it on his house in the days of his son.’” – 1 Kings 21:27-28

What…the…fuck?!?!?! Ahab puts a bag over his head and God is all like “this dude is cool now, I will not kill him, but I sure as fuck am going to harm his kids.”

Wow! What a horrible story! More innocent descendants to be killed but what makes it worse is the end. God decides to spare Ahad, but is still going to harm the descendants. Christians…read the book you worship! It’s not a good book!

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 22: Micaiah Prophesies Against Ahab

1 Kings – Chapter 20: Ben-Hadad Attacks Samaria

Today we continue in the book of 1 Kings with chapter 20.

“He sent messengers into the city to Ahab king of Israel, saying, ‘This is what Ben-Hadad says: ‘Your silver and gold are mine, and the best of your wives and children are mine.’’ The king of Israel answered, ‘Just as you say, my lord the king. I and all I have are yours.’” – 1 Kings 20:2-4

Just like that the King of Israel offers to give up the wives and children in an attempt to save his own ass. Pitiful.

“The king of Israel summoned all the elders of the land and said to them, ‘See how this man is looking for trouble! When he sent for my wives and my children, my silver and my gold, I did not refuse him.’” – 1 Kings 20:7

The other king has told the king of Israel that he will plunder all his valuables. The king of Israel, who was fine with the taking of the wives and children, refuses the demand of plundering the valuables. Apparently this king of Israel doesn’t consider his wives and children valuable! The definition of biblical family values at their finest.

Meanwhile, the officials of the king of Aram advised him, ‘Their gods are gods of the hills. That is why they were too strong for us. But if we fight them on the plains, surely we will be stronger than they.’” – 1 Kings 20:23

For fuck’s sake. Fight them on the plains because their gods are gods of the hills? Are people really this stupid?

“The man of God came up and told the king of Israel, ‘This is what the Lord says: ‘Because the Arameans think the Lord is a god of the hills and not a god of the valleys, I will deliver this vast army into your hands, and you will know that I am the Lord.’’” – 1 Kings 20:28

Notice how God is protecting the Israelites, not because he loves or cares about them, but because the other army thinks this god likes hills and not valleys. Sheesh.

“By the word of the Lord one of the company of the prophets said to his companion, ‘Strike me with your weapon,’ but he refused. So the prophet said, ‘Because you have not obeyed the Lord, as soon as you leave me a lion will kill you.’ And after the man went away, a lion found him and killed him.” – 1 Kings 20:35-36

Sigh. This is just stupid. If this was you, would you try to strike down the man? No, because if you did and nothing stopped you, you’d kill the man and be guilty of murder! But for expressing common sense, this guy is killed by a lion.

“The prophet found another man and said, ‘Strike me, please.’ So the man struck him and wounded him.” – 1 Kings 20:37

Sure. I’m sure this really happened. Sigh.

“Then the prophet quickly removed the headband from his eyes, and the king of Israel recognized him as one of the prophets. He said to the king, ‘This is what the Lord says: ‘You have set free a man I had determined should die] Therefore it is your life for his life, your people for his people.’’  Sullen and angry, the king of Israel went to his palace in Samaria.” – 1 Kings 20:41-43

What the fuck? What is the point of this silly trickery?

Man, this chapter is filled with nonsense. Unbelievable nonsense, but nonsense that shows how fucked up biblical morals are.

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 21: Naboth’s Vineyard

1 Kings – Chapter 19: Elijah Flees to Horeb

The story of Elijah continues so let’s see what nonsense and trickery Elijah is up to today.

“Elijah was afraid and ran for his life.” – 1 Kings 19:3

What’s Elijah afraid of? He has the full support of God? Unless…wait for it…there is no god and Elijah knows he faked the burning wood in the last chapter!

“All at once an angel touched him and said, ‘Get up and eat.’ He looked around, and there by his head was some bread baked over hot coals, and a jar of water.” – 1 Kings 19:5-6

Nope, didn’t happen. The bread and water did not suddenly appear.

“So he got up and ate and drank. Strengthened by that food, he traveled forty days and forty nights until he reached Horeb, the mountain of God.” – 1 Kings 19:8

So after eating the make believe bread and drinking the make believe water, Elijah traveled for forty days and nights without eating or drinking again? Again…nope…didn’t happen.

“Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper. When Elijah heard it, he pulled his cloak over his face and went out and stood at the mouth of the cave.” – 1 Kings 19:11-13

So there was a big storm, a rock fall, and a fire from the damage. All a natural disaster that needs no god to take place. We see this all the time across the world on a regular basis.

“So Elisha left him and went back. He took his yoke of oxen and slaughtered them. He burned the plowing equipment to cook the meat and gave it to the people, and they ate. Then he set out to follow Elijah and became his servant.” – 1 Kings 19:21

Um…WTF?!?!  I understand Elisha leaving his work to follow Elijah, but in this story Elisha basically says, what the fuck, I’m going to kill the oxen too for shits and giggles!

Another chapter full of nonsense. Everything mentioned is either ridiculous and the evidence for God is easily reproducible through natural events.

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 20: Ben-Hadad Attacks Samaria

1 Kings – Chapter 18: Elijah and Obadiah

Today we continue with the story of Elijah. In the last chapter he raped a boy’s corpse and God rewarded the raped corpse by bringing it back to life as a zombie. Seriously.

“After a long time, in the third year, the word of the Lord came to Elijah: ‘Go and present yourself to Ahab, and I will send rain on the land.’” – 1 Kings 18:1

The drought has lasted three years.

“Elijah went before the people and said, ‘How long will you waver between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow him; but if Baal is God, follow him.’” – 1 Kings 18:21

Given how awful God has been, I’d give Baal a try. Can’t possibly be worse.

“Get two bulls for us. Let Baal’s prophets choose one for themselves, and let them cut it into pieces and put it on the wood but not set fire to it. I will prepare the other bull and put it on the wood but not set fire to it.  Then you call on the name of your god, and I will call on the name of the Lord. The god who answers by fire—he is God.” – 1 Kings 18:23-24

Oh for fuck’s sake. If God is real, just come down and present yourself and make it absolutely clear. Stop with the easy trickery that any human can do to convince people that what is fake is reality.

“At noon Elijah began to taunt them. ‘Shout louder!’ he said. ‘Surely he is a god! Perhaps he is deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened.’” – 1 Kings 18:27

You mean how the god of the Bible has ignored the people throughout this three year drought?

“He arranged the wood, cut the bull into pieces and laid it on the wood. Then he said to them, ‘Fill four large jars with water and pour it on the offering and on the wood.’” – 1 Kings 18:33

And how easy would it be for Elijah to sneak oil or any other fire starter into the liquid? Very easy.

“Then the fire of the Lord fell and burned up the sacrifice, the wood, the stones and the soil, and also licked up the water in the trench.” – 1 Kings 18:38

Wow…what a surprise. What’s more likely? God coming down and starting the wood on fire, or Elijah sneaking in oil as a fire starter to start the fire. Hmmm….it’s quite obvious what happened here and it’s not the presence of God.

“Then Elijah commanded them, ‘Seize the prophets of Baal. Don’t let anyone get away!’ They seized them, and Elijah had them brought down to the Kishon Valley and slaughtered there.” – 1 Kings 18:40

Okay, let’s say this really was God. If God shows himself, why aren’t the other prophets given the chance to covert? Does not a forgiving god want more converts? Apparently not as they are all murdered for worshipping another god even though there was no evidence for the god of the Bible.

“The power of the Lord came on Elijah and, tucking his cloak into his belt, he ran ahead of Ahab all the way to Jezreel.” – 1 Kings 18:46

Or, you know, a standard rain storm came through.

Sheesh, what a bunch of bunk in this chapter. God never shows himself, but supposedly does through an easy trickery? Not buying it. Provide some real evidence if you want me to believe in the god of the Bible.

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 19: Elijah Flees to Horeb

1 Kings – Chapter 17: Elijah Announces a Great Drought

Today we move back to 1 Kings where we learn about an upcoming drought.

“Now Elijah the Tishbite, from Tishbe in Gilead, said to Ahab, ‘As the Lord, the God of Israel, lives, whom I serve, there will be neither dew nor rain in the next few years except at my word.’” – 1 Kings 17:1

No rain for several years? That’s a bit extreme and simply not correct. Although regions of the Middle East are often in drought and receive little rain, no rain for several years simply has not happened.

“The ravens brought him (Elijah) bread and meat in the morning and bread and meat in the evening, and he drank from the brook.” – 1 Kings 17:6

Seriously? Ravens brought Elijah bread and meat for each meal? Give me a freaking break. Again…DID…NOT…HAPPEN!

“‘As surely as the Lord your God lives,’ she replied, ‘I don’t have any bread—only a handful of flour in a jar and a little olive oil in a jug. I am gathering a few sticks to take home and make a meal for myself and my son, that we may eat it—and die.’” – 1 Kings 17:12

Um…WTF!?!?! Gathering sticks to make a meal so we can eat and DIE???

“For this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘The jar of flour will not be used up and the jug of oil will not run dry until the day the Lord sends rain on the land.’” – 1 Kings 17:14

More nonsense. Jars of flour and jugs of oil are not endless. If there’s a drought, they will run dry and people will die of hunger and thirst.

“Some time later the son of the woman who owned the house became ill. He grew worse and worse, and finally stopped breathing.  She said to Elijah, ‘What do you have against me, man of God? Did you come to remind me of my sin and kill my son?’” – 1 Kings 17:17-18

I think we can all see what type of nonsense is coming up next.

“Then he stretched himself out on the boy three times and cried out to the Lord, ‘Lord my God, let this boy’s life return to him!’ The Lord heard Elijah’s cry, and the boy’s life returned to him, and he lived.” – 1 Kings 17:21-22

Elijah did this with no family in the room, so it sounds like Elijah raped the corpse three times and the boy came back to life. God returned life to a child, but only after the child’s corpse is raped? JFC.

Wow was this chapter filled with a bunch of nonsense. Bottomless chairs, the dead coming to life (zombies!), and ravens delivering bread and meat. My god what a bunch of bullshit.

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 18: Elijah and Obadiah

1 Kings – Chapter 16:1-34: Baasha King of Israel

Today we move on to 1 Kings 16, which is also divided up according to the chronological guide I’m following.

“Then the word of the Lord came to Jehu son of Hanani concerning Baasha: I lifted you up from the dust and appointed you ruler over my people Israel, but you followed the ways of Jeroboam and caused my people Israel to sin and to arouse my anger by their sins. So I am about to wipe out Baasha and his house, and I will make your house like that of Jeroboam son of Nebat. Dogs will eat those belonging to Baasha who die in the city, and birds will feed on those who die in the country.’” – 1 Kings 16:1-4

So the king does bad and God is going to kill everyone? A just god? Nope. An asshole god is more like it.

“As soon as he began to reign and was seated on the throne, he killed off Baasha’s whole family. He did not spare a single male, whether relative or friend.” – 1 Kings 16:11

Let the killing commence!

The rest of this chapter includes more random kings doing evil and than being killed. Again, why does God allow this? Right now God has his popcorn, 3D movie glasses, and is sitting back and enjoying the slaughter.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 17: Jehoshaphat King of Judah

1 Kings – Chapter 15:25-34 – Nadab King of Israel

Today we finish off 1 Kings 15, which was divided into two reading sections in the chronological order guide I’m following.

“Nadab son of Jeroboam became king of Israel in the second year of Asa king of Judah, and he reigned over Israel two years.  He did evil in the eyes of the Lord, following the ways of his father and committing the same sin his father had caused Israel to commit.” – 1 Kings 15:25-26

God really sucks at choosing leaders.

“Baasha killed Nadab in the third year of Asa king of Judah and succeeded him as king.

As soon as he began to reign, he killed Jeroboam’s whole family. He did not leave Jeroboam anyone that breathed, but destroyed them all, according to the word of the Lord given through his servant Ahijah the Shilonite. This happened because of the sins Jeroboam had committed and had caused Israel to commit, and because he aroused the anger of the Lord, the God of Israel.” – 1 Kings 15:28-30

Killed them all according to the word of the Lord given him. Jesus fucking christ. God demanded that EVERYONE be destroyed. Including the children and babies. A morally evil god.

In the third year of Asa king of Judah, Baasha son of Ahijah became king of all Israel in Tirzah, and he reigned twenty-four years. He did evil in the eyes of the Lord, following the ways of Jeroboam and committing the same sin Jeroboam had caused Israel to commit.” – 1 Kings 15:33-34

Let’s be clear. God could stop this evil at any time, but he allows it to happen. It started way back with God hardening the hearts of the Egyptians and it hasn’t stopped. It’s clear that God wants the kings to do evil. God is giddy over the evil and killing. This is a bloodthirsty god that is far more evil than Satan in the Bible.

After several kings have done evil and died the chapter ends.

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 16:1-34: Baasha King of Israel

1 Kings – Chapter 15:1-24: Abijah King of Judah

Today we move back to 1 Kings where we have a new king.

“He committed all the sins his father had done before him; his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his forefather had been.” – 1 Kings 15:3

God’s gonna bring the smackdown on this king!

“Nevertheless, for David’s sake the Lord his God gave him a lamp in Jerusalem by raising up a son to succeed him and by making Jerusalem strong.” – 1 Kings 15:4

See, take a look at that massive smack…WTF?!?!?! The king does evil in the eyes of God and God just says, okay, no problem, I liked David so I’m going to make you a strong king. WTF!?!?!? This is why the Bible is not a book of morals. Those who do good are punished and too often those who do bad are not only not punished but are praised by God!

“Asa did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, as his father David had done.” – 1 Kings 15:11

Asa is the next king. He does what is right in the eyes of the Lord. Asa’s reward?

“In his old age, however, his feet became diseased.” – 1 Kings 15:23

Diseased feet! Now, I know there is no connection between Asa’s good deeds and diseased feet, but in the eyes of Christians, in which God does all, God is the one who did this to Asa. So according to Christians, once again God does bad to those who do good. A book of morals? Nope!

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 13: Abijah King of Judah