1 Samuel 5:6

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday. Christians describe their god as a loving god who is slow to anger. Slow to anger? He killed off the entire population except for Noah’s family in a flood and then forced them to have incestual sex with each other to re-populate the Earth. Then there’s this, from 1 Samuel 5.

“The Lord’s hand was heavy on the people of Ashdod and its vicinity; he brought devastation on them and afflicted them with tumors.” – 1 Samuel 5:6

God gets pissy and gives the people tumors. But God loves you. Don’t ever forget that. He loves you so much that he sends his love in the form of tumors that will destroy your body and kill you with his love. 🙂

Recap of 1 Samuel

Before starting 2 Samuel, let me do a quick recap of what we learned in 1 Samuel.  1 Samuel starts out with the birth of Samuel.  Samuel is a prophet whose sole purpose in the Bible seems to be to anoint Saul as king of the Israelites.  God has Samuel anoint Saul but God quickly takes over Saul’s body making him do bad things.  Yeah, I don’t get it either, but that’s the way God rolls.  He’s supposedly all-powerful, but can only push his agenda by hardening hearts and forcing what may be good people into doing horrible things.

1 Samuel also introduces us to David who will eventually lead the Israelites, but not in this book.  David ends up killing a giant, Goliath, with a single stone.  Later he turns into a stone cold killer and cuts off the penis tips of the Philistines.  Not once.  Not twice.  Hundreds of times!  Seriously!  This is not a joke!

Eventually Saul and David breakup and God tries to force Saul into killing David.  God is not very good at this and is unable to cause David’s death.  Not that God was really trying to kill David.  It’s some sort of sick story to elevate David’s role in biblical history.  David continues killing thousands, if not millions of people, including children and babies.  Saul ultimately meets his demise and kills himself before being killed.  The book ends there.  Saul is dead, but David isn’t officially king yet.

To sum it all up, lots of killing and lots of penis hacking.

1 Samuel – Chapter 31: Saul Takes His Life

Today’s chapter is the very last chapter in the book of 1 Samuel and based on the title it ends with the end of Saul.  Pun intended.  🙂  The chapter begins with the Philistines attacking the Israelites and winning.

“The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically.” – 1 Samuel 31:3

The end of Saul is near.

“Saul said to his armor-bearer, ‘Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me.’” – 1 Samuel 31:4

LOL!  I don’t want to die by a sword, but if that’s the way I go, I’d never want an uncircumcised man to kill me with a sword.  ROFL!  These biblical stories are ridiculous!

“But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him.” – 1 Samuel 31:4-5

Why did the armor-bearer kill himself at the sight of Saul’s suicide?

“The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the dead, they found Saul and his three sons fallen on Mount Gilboa. They cut off his head and stripped off his armor, and they sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to proclaim the news in the temple of their idols and among their people.” – 1 Samuel 31:8-9

It’s official.  Saul is no longer God’s boy toy.

“Then they took their bones and buried them under a tamarisk tree at Jabesh, and they fasted seven days.” – 1 Samuel 31:13

Yes, because the best thing to do when you are fleeing and fighting for your life is to fast for seven days, leaving yourself too weak to fight back.  Sigh.

The book of 1 Samuel ends with a very short chapter that describes the death of Saul.  Saul, the Israelite controlled by God until God grew tired of him, is no more.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 18:  For the director of music. Of David the servant of the Lord. He sang to the Lord the words of this song when the Lord delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

1 Samuel – Chapter 30: David Destroys the Amalekites

Not much happened in the last chapter of 1 Samuel.  David was sent back to camp by the Philistines because the leaders did not want him in battle with them.  This chapter looks more exciting.  It has the word ‘destroys’ in it, meaning David is back to his old ways.

“David and his men reached Ziklag on the third day. Now the Amalekites had raided the Negev and Ziklag. They had attacked Ziklag and burned it, and had taken captive the women and everyone else in it, both young and old. They killed none of them, but carried them off as they went on their way.” 1 Samuel 30:1-2

In this case David has a reason to go after the Amalekites.  They raided the towns and took women and children as captives.  Notice how the Amalekites did not kill the women and children.  They simply took them.  In this aspect, the Amalekites are more moral than God.

“David’s two wives had been captured—Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal of Carmel.” – 1 Samuel 30:5

Ah, traditional biblical marriage.  Multiple wives.

“David inquired of the Lord, ‘Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?’ ‘Pursue them,’ he answered. ‘You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue.’” – 1 Samuel 30:8

Why is David asking God?  If someone takes my family, I’m pursuing them.  That may be in the form of police and detectives, but I would never stop in my search for them and an answer from God would never sway me away from this.  I don’t need a god to tell me to search for my family.  And if a god said no, well, fuck that god!

“He led David down, and there they were, scattered over the countryside, eating, drinking and reveling because of the great amount of plunder they had taken from the land of the Philistines and from Judah.” – 1 Samuel 30:16

It’s interesting how celebrating the taken plunder is looked at as an evil act when the Israelite’s enemies do it, but when the Israelites do the same, it’s a worthy celebration.  God is a hypocrite.

“He took all the flocks and herds, and his men drove them ahead of the other livestock, saying, ‘This is David’s plunder.’” – 1 Samuel 30:20

See!!!  It’s okay when it is David’s plunder, but not if it’s the Amalekite’s plunder.  Again, God is a hypocrite.

“Who will listen to what you say? The share of the man who stayed with the supplies is to be the same as that of him who went down to the battle. All will share alike.” – 1 Samuel 30:24

And by ‘all’ David really means just the men.

David sends some of the plunder to several of his friends in different towns and that concludes the chapter.  This is an extremely hypocritical chapter.  Unlike David and the Israelites, the Amalekites did not kill the women and children.  Yes, taking them as captives was wrong, but they weren’t killed.  On top of that, it’s considered good when the Israelites celebrate in their plunder but bad when anyone else does.  God, the ultimate hypocrite.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 31:  Saul Takes His Life

1 Samuel – Chapter 29: Achish Sends David Back to Ziklag

Last we looked in 1 Samuel we were seeing ghosts, literally.  The ghost of Samuel was brought forth by a medium to speak to Saul.  I’m not joking.  This really happened!  The story continues in 1 Samuel 29, so let’s continue.

“Achish replied, ‘Is this not David, who was an officer of Saul king of Israel? He has already been with me for over a year, and from the day he left Saul until now, I have found no fault in him.’” – 1 Samuel 29:3

This sets the plot of 1 Samuel 29.  David is currently with the Philistines.

“So Achish called David and said to him, ‘As surely as the Lord lives, you have been reliable, and I would be pleased to have you serve with me in the army. From the day you came to me until today, I have found no fault in you, but the rulers don’t approve of you. Now turn back and go in peace; do nothing to displease the Philistine rulers.’” – 1 Samuel 29:6-7

Everyone except for Achish is not happy with David’s presence.

“’But what have I done?’ asked David. ‘What have you found against your servant from the day I came to you until now? Why can’t I go and fight against the enemies of my lord the king?’” – 1 Samuel 29:8

For starters, you kill a lot of innocent people!  Hard to trust someone who kills innocents.

“So David and his men got up early in the morning to go back to the land of the Philistines, and the Philistines went up to Jezreel.” – 1 Samuel 29:11

That concludes 1 Samuel 29.  Not nearly as exciting as the last chapter in which we met Samuel’s ghost.  Basically the Philistine leaders are not happy with David joining them in battle so they send him back to the Philistine’s camp.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 30:  David Destroys the Amalekites

1 Samuel – Chapter 28: Saul and the Medium at Endor

After a few chapters in Psalms we head back to 1 Samuel.  The title of this chapter has the word ‘Endor’ in it.  I didn’t know God was a fan of Star Wars!  LOL!

“In those days the Philistines gathered their forces to fight against Israel.” – 1 Samuel 28:1

The fighting continues.  More bloodshed is coming.

“Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had mourned for him and buried him in his own town of Ramah. Saul had expelled the mediums and spiritists from the land.” – 1 Samuel 28:3

Well, the people believe in a god who never shows himself, so why not believe in mediums and spiritists.  Given the mediums and spiritists can actually be seen, there’s more evidence for them than God.

“Saul then said to his attendants, ‘Find me a woman who is a medium, so I may go and inquire of her.’ ‘There is one in Endor,’” they said. 1 Samuel 28:7

And here I was hoping Saul would seek the guidance of the Ewoks!  🙂  This is an interesting approach taken by God.  God, as we learned several chapters ago, has taken over Saul’s body, forcing him to commit evil.  We must presume then that God is still controlling Saul and forcing him to seek the advice of mediums.

“Then the woman asked, ‘Whom shall I bring up for you?’ ‘Bring up Samuel,’ he said.  When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out at the top of her voice and said to Saul, ‘Why have you deceived me? You are Saul!’” – 1 Samuel 28:11-12

Ghosts?  Again, the Bible would be much more believable if the stories weren’t so ridiculous.  If (and I don’t believe in anything supernatural) we assume the ghost of Samuel is real in this story, this verse makes it clear Samuel’s ghost is directly observed.  Thus there is far more evidence for ghosts being real in the Bible than God.  Not sure that was the message the authors of the Bible intended, but it is the message that comes out of this story.

“The king said to her, ‘Don’t be afraid. What do you see?’ The woman said, ‘I see a ghostly figure coming up out of the earth.’ ‘What does he look like?’ he asked. ‘An old man wearing a robe is coming up,’ she said. Then Saul knew it was Samuel, and he bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground.” – 1 Samuel 28:13-14

Apparently Saul cannot see the ghost of Samuel, but the medium can.  That’s very similar to Moses ‘seeing’ God, but no one else.

“Samuel said to Saul, ’Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?’ ‘I am in great distress,’ Saul said. ‘The Philistines are fighting against me, and God has departed from me. He no longer answers me, either by prophets or by dreams. So I have called on you to tell me what to do.’” – 1 Samuel 28:15

Saul may not be able to see the ghost of Samuel, but he can certainly hear the ghost.  Again, far more evidence for ghosts than for God in the Bible.

“The Lord will deliver both Israel and you into the hands of the Philistines, and tomorrow you and your sons will be with me. The Lord will also give the army of Israel into the hands of the Philistines.” – 1 Samuel 28:19

This is the ghost of Samuel speaking to Saul.  I guess God is finished with Saul as his play toy.  And a play toy is what Saul was as were the Egyptians, Moses, Samuel, etc.  God is not guiding the people, he is toying with the people because God is nothing more than an immature two year old.  We’ve seen this over and over through the unnecessary raping and murdering of thousands, tens of thousands, and possibly millions of people at the hands of God.

“Immediately Saul fell full length on the ground, filled with fear because of Samuel’s words. His strength was gone, for he had eaten nothing all that day and all that night.” – 1 Samuel 28:20

Saul is afraid of a god he can’t observe but isn’t afraid of the ghost of Samuel?  It’s a ghost speaking to you!  I don’t believe in anything supernatural, but if I suddenly saw a ghost, I’d be a bit fearful.

This chapter ends with the medium providing Saul and his men a meal.  A very odd chapter in which a ghost speaks to Saul.  Over and over we see God supposedly speaking through others, yet never directly, aside from the possible case of Moses, but I think it’s very clear Moses made up the story of God to control the people.  This assumes, of course, Moses ever existed which is doubtful.  Anyway, there is more evidence for ghosts in the Bible than God.  That’s very revealing!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 29:  Achish Sends David Back to Ziklag

1 Samuel – Chapter 27: David Among the Philistines

In our latest look in 1 Samuel, Saul and David continue to play a mouse and cat game, with Saul playing the role of the cat and David the mouse.  1 Samuel 26 implied a truce was made, but will that truce hold?  Let’s find out.

“But David thought to himself, ‘One of these days I will be destroyed by the hand of Saul. The best thing I can do is to escape to the land of the Philistines. Then Saul will give up searching for me anywhere in Israel, and I will slip out of his hand.’” – 1 Samuel 27:1

Okay, so David is not buying Saul’s ruse.  That gives me more confidence in the intelligence of David.  Not much given he still praises a hateful god but some confidence is better than none.  I think.  🙂

“David and his men settled in Gath with Achish. Each man had his family with him, and David had his two wives: Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail of Carmel, the widow of Nabal.” – 1 Samuel 27:3

The Bible mentions David’s multiple wives again.  Traditional marriage at its finest.

“Now David and his men went up and raided the Geshurites, the Girzites and the Amalekites.” – 1 Samuel 27:8

Um…why?  Why raid these people?

“Whenever David attacked an area, he did not leave a man or woman alive, but took sheep and cattle, donkeys and camels, and clothes. Then he returned to Achish.” – 1 Samuel 27:9

This implies David has attacked multiple areas and left not one person alive.  Sickening.  I guess it makes sense David spends all this time praising God in the book of Psalms.  David is an evil murderer just like God.

“He did not leave a man or woman alive to be brought to Gath, for he thought, ‘They might inform on us and say, ‘This is what David did.’’ And such was his practice as long as he lived in Philistine territory.” – 1 Samuel 27:11

Naturally!  If you’re going to attack a land you must kill everyone so your deeds don’t spread to others.  Biblical morals at their finest.  Kill everyone who knows so they can’t tell others.  We should be teaching this in kindergarten!  Wait, Christian fundamentalists want us to have more Bible in schools.  Of course, what they want are their cherry picked versus and not the whole Bible.  The whole Bible is disgusting and the quickest path to de-conversion.

1 Samuel 27 did not have any direct interaction between Saul and David.  They are separated at the moment but that hasn’t stopped David from killing other tribes for…well, we’re not sure what for.  The Bible never explains.  It only explains that every man and woman was killed!  Biblical morals.  David is a brutal murderer.  Plain and simple.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 17:  A prayer of David.