1 Samuel 5:6

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday. Christians describe their god as a loving god who is slow to anger. Slow to anger? He killed off the entire population except for Noah’s family in a flood and then forced them to have incestual sex with each other to re-populate the Earth. Then there’s this, from 1 Samuel 5.

“The Lord’s hand was heavy on the people of Ashdod and its vicinity; he brought devastation on them and afflicted them with tumors.” – 1 Samuel 5:6

God gets pissy and gives the people tumors. But God loves you. Don’t ever forget that. He loves you so much that he sends his love in the form of tumors that will destroy your body and kill you with his love. 🙂

Recap of 1 Samuel

Before starting 2 Samuel, let me do a quick recap of what we learned in 1 Samuel.  1 Samuel starts out with the birth of Samuel.  Samuel is a prophet whose sole purpose in the Bible seems to be to anoint Saul as king of the Israelites.  God has Samuel anoint Saul but God quickly takes over Saul’s body making him do bad things.  Yeah, I don’t get it either, but that’s the way God rolls.  He’s supposedly all-powerful, but can only push his agenda by hardening hearts and forcing what may be good people into doing horrible things.

1 Samuel also introduces us to David who will eventually lead the Israelites, but not in this book.  David ends up killing a giant, Goliath, with a single stone.  Later he turns into a stone cold killer and cuts off the penis tips of the Philistines.  Not once.  Not twice.  Hundreds of times!  Seriously!  This is not a joke!

Eventually Saul and David breakup and God tries to force Saul into killing David.  God is not very good at this and is unable to cause David’s death.  Not that God was really trying to kill David.  It’s some sort of sick story to elevate David’s role in biblical history.  David continues killing thousands, if not millions of people, including children and babies.  Saul ultimately meets his demise and kills himself before being killed.  The book ends there.  Saul is dead, but David isn’t officially king yet.

To sum it all up, lots of killing and lots of penis hacking.

1 Samuel – Chapter 31: Saul Takes His Life

Today’s chapter is the very last chapter in the book of 1 Samuel and based on the title it ends with the end of Saul.  Pun intended.  🙂  The chapter begins with the Philistines attacking the Israelites and winning.

“The fighting grew fierce around Saul, and when the archers overtook him, they wounded him critically.” – 1 Samuel 31:3

The end of Saul is near.

“Saul said to his armor-bearer, ‘Draw your sword and run me through, or these uncircumcised fellows will come and run me through and abuse me.’” – 1 Samuel 31:4

LOL!  I don’t want to die by a sword, but if that’s the way I go, I’d never want an uncircumcised man to kill me with a sword.  ROFL!  These biblical stories are ridiculous!

“But his armor-bearer was terrified and would not do it; so Saul took his own sword and fell on it. When the armor-bearer saw that Saul was dead, he too fell on his sword and died with him.” – 1 Samuel 31:4-5

Why did the armor-bearer kill himself at the sight of Saul’s suicide?

“The next day, when the Philistines came to strip the dead, they found Saul and his three sons fallen on Mount Gilboa. They cut off his head and stripped off his armor, and they sent messengers throughout the land of the Philistines to proclaim the news in the temple of their idols and among their people.” – 1 Samuel 31:8-9

It’s official.  Saul is no longer God’s boy toy.

“Then they took their bones and buried them under a tamarisk tree at Jabesh, and they fasted seven days.” – 1 Samuel 31:13

Yes, because the best thing to do when you are fleeing and fighting for your life is to fast for seven days, leaving yourself too weak to fight back.  Sigh.

The book of 1 Samuel ends with a very short chapter that describes the death of Saul.  Saul, the Israelite controlled by God until God grew tired of him, is no more.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 18:  For the director of music. Of David the servant of the Lord. He sang to the Lord the words of this song when the Lord delivered him from the hand of all his enemies and from the hand of Saul. He said:

1 Samuel – Chapter 30: David Destroys the Amalekites

Not much happened in the last chapter of 1 Samuel.  David was sent back to camp by the Philistines because the leaders did not want him in battle with them.  This chapter looks more exciting.  It has the word ‘destroys’ in it, meaning David is back to his old ways.

“David and his men reached Ziklag on the third day. Now the Amalekites had raided the Negev and Ziklag. They had attacked Ziklag and burned it, and had taken captive the women and everyone else in it, both young and old. They killed none of them, but carried them off as they went on their way.” 1 Samuel 30:1-2

In this case David has a reason to go after the Amalekites.  They raided the towns and took women and children as captives.  Notice how the Amalekites did not kill the women and children.  They simply took them.  In this aspect, the Amalekites are more moral than God.

“David’s two wives had been captured—Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail, the widow of Nabal of Carmel.” – 1 Samuel 30:5

Ah, traditional biblical marriage.  Multiple wives.

“David inquired of the Lord, ‘Shall I pursue this raiding party? Will I overtake them?’ ‘Pursue them,’ he answered. ‘You will certainly overtake them and succeed in the rescue.’” – 1 Samuel 30:8

Why is David asking God?  If someone takes my family, I’m pursuing them.  That may be in the form of police and detectives, but I would never stop in my search for them and an answer from God would never sway me away from this.  I don’t need a god to tell me to search for my family.  And if a god said no, well, fuck that god!

“He led David down, and there they were, scattered over the countryside, eating, drinking and reveling because of the great amount of plunder they had taken from the land of the Philistines and from Judah.” – 1 Samuel 30:16

It’s interesting how celebrating the taken plunder is looked at as an evil act when the Israelite’s enemies do it, but when the Israelites do the same, it’s a worthy celebration.  God is a hypocrite.

“He took all the flocks and herds, and his men drove them ahead of the other livestock, saying, ‘This is David’s plunder.’” – 1 Samuel 30:20

See!!!  It’s okay when it is David’s plunder, but not if it’s the Amalekite’s plunder.  Again, God is a hypocrite.

“Who will listen to what you say? The share of the man who stayed with the supplies is to be the same as that of him who went down to the battle. All will share alike.” – 1 Samuel 30:24

And by ‘all’ David really means just the men.

David sends some of the plunder to several of his friends in different towns and that concludes the chapter.  This is an extremely hypocritical chapter.  Unlike David and the Israelites, the Amalekites did not kill the women and children.  Yes, taking them as captives was wrong, but they weren’t killed.  On top of that, it’s considered good when the Israelites celebrate in their plunder but bad when anyone else does.  God, the ultimate hypocrite.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 31:  Saul Takes His Life

1 Samuel – Chapter 29: Achish Sends David Back to Ziklag

Last we looked in 1 Samuel we were seeing ghosts, literally.  The ghost of Samuel was brought forth by a medium to speak to Saul.  I’m not joking.  This really happened!  The story continues in 1 Samuel 29, so let’s continue.

“Achish replied, ‘Is this not David, who was an officer of Saul king of Israel? He has already been with me for over a year, and from the day he left Saul until now, I have found no fault in him.’” – 1 Samuel 29:3

This sets the plot of 1 Samuel 29.  David is currently with the Philistines.

“So Achish called David and said to him, ‘As surely as the Lord lives, you have been reliable, and I would be pleased to have you serve with me in the army. From the day you came to me until today, I have found no fault in you, but the rulers don’t approve of you. Now turn back and go in peace; do nothing to displease the Philistine rulers.’” – 1 Samuel 29:6-7

Everyone except for Achish is not happy with David’s presence.

“’But what have I done?’ asked David. ‘What have you found against your servant from the day I came to you until now? Why can’t I go and fight against the enemies of my lord the king?’” – 1 Samuel 29:8

For starters, you kill a lot of innocent people!  Hard to trust someone who kills innocents.

“So David and his men got up early in the morning to go back to the land of the Philistines, and the Philistines went up to Jezreel.” – 1 Samuel 29:11

That concludes 1 Samuel 29.  Not nearly as exciting as the last chapter in which we met Samuel’s ghost.  Basically the Philistine leaders are not happy with David joining them in battle so they send him back to the Philistine’s camp.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 30:  David Destroys the Amalekites

1 Samuel – Chapter 28: Saul and the Medium at Endor

After a few chapters in Psalms we head back to 1 Samuel.  The title of this chapter has the word ‘Endor’ in it.  I didn’t know God was a fan of Star Wars!  LOL!

“In those days the Philistines gathered their forces to fight against Israel.” – 1 Samuel 28:1

The fighting continues.  More bloodshed is coming.

“Now Samuel was dead, and all Israel had mourned for him and buried him in his own town of Ramah. Saul had expelled the mediums and spiritists from the land.” – 1 Samuel 28:3

Well, the people believe in a god who never shows himself, so why not believe in mediums and spiritists.  Given the mediums and spiritists can actually be seen, there’s more evidence for them than God.

“Saul then said to his attendants, ‘Find me a woman who is a medium, so I may go and inquire of her.’ ‘There is one in Endor,’” they said. 1 Samuel 28:7

And here I was hoping Saul would seek the guidance of the Ewoks!  🙂  This is an interesting approach taken by God.  God, as we learned several chapters ago, has taken over Saul’s body, forcing him to commit evil.  We must presume then that God is still controlling Saul and forcing him to seek the advice of mediums.

“Then the woman asked, ‘Whom shall I bring up for you?’ ‘Bring up Samuel,’ he said.  When the woman saw Samuel, she cried out at the top of her voice and said to Saul, ‘Why have you deceived me? You are Saul!’” – 1 Samuel 28:11-12

Ghosts?  Again, the Bible would be much more believable if the stories weren’t so ridiculous.  If (and I don’t believe in anything supernatural) we assume the ghost of Samuel is real in this story, this verse makes it clear Samuel’s ghost is directly observed.  Thus there is far more evidence for ghosts being real in the Bible than God.  Not sure that was the message the authors of the Bible intended, but it is the message that comes out of this story.

“The king said to her, ‘Don’t be afraid. What do you see?’ The woman said, ‘I see a ghostly figure coming up out of the earth.’ ‘What does he look like?’ he asked. ‘An old man wearing a robe is coming up,’ she said. Then Saul knew it was Samuel, and he bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground.” – 1 Samuel 28:13-14

Apparently Saul cannot see the ghost of Samuel, but the medium can.  That’s very similar to Moses ‘seeing’ God, but no one else.

“Samuel said to Saul, ’Why have you disturbed me by bringing me up?’ ‘I am in great distress,’ Saul said. ‘The Philistines are fighting against me, and God has departed from me. He no longer answers me, either by prophets or by dreams. So I have called on you to tell me what to do.’” – 1 Samuel 28:15

Saul may not be able to see the ghost of Samuel, but he can certainly hear the ghost.  Again, far more evidence for ghosts than for God in the Bible.

“The Lord will deliver both Israel and you into the hands of the Philistines, and tomorrow you and your sons will be with me. The Lord will also give the army of Israel into the hands of the Philistines.” – 1 Samuel 28:19

This is the ghost of Samuel speaking to Saul.  I guess God is finished with Saul as his play toy.  And a play toy is what Saul was as were the Egyptians, Moses, Samuel, etc.  God is not guiding the people, he is toying with the people because God is nothing more than an immature two year old.  We’ve seen this over and over through the unnecessary raping and murdering of thousands, tens of thousands, and possibly millions of people at the hands of God.

“Immediately Saul fell full length on the ground, filled with fear because of Samuel’s words. His strength was gone, for he had eaten nothing all that day and all that night.” – 1 Samuel 28:20

Saul is afraid of a god he can’t observe but isn’t afraid of the ghost of Samuel?  It’s a ghost speaking to you!  I don’t believe in anything supernatural, but if I suddenly saw a ghost, I’d be a bit fearful.

This chapter ends with the medium providing Saul and his men a meal.  A very odd chapter in which a ghost speaks to Saul.  Over and over we see God supposedly speaking through others, yet never directly, aside from the possible case of Moses, but I think it’s very clear Moses made up the story of God to control the people.  This assumes, of course, Moses ever existed which is doubtful.  Anyway, there is more evidence for ghosts in the Bible than God.  That’s very revealing!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 29:  Achish Sends David Back to Ziklag

1 Samuel – Chapter 27: David Among the Philistines

In our latest look in 1 Samuel, Saul and David continue to play a mouse and cat game, with Saul playing the role of the cat and David the mouse.  1 Samuel 26 implied a truce was made, but will that truce hold?  Let’s find out.

“But David thought to himself, ‘One of these days I will be destroyed by the hand of Saul. The best thing I can do is to escape to the land of the Philistines. Then Saul will give up searching for me anywhere in Israel, and I will slip out of his hand.’” – 1 Samuel 27:1

Okay, so David is not buying Saul’s ruse.  That gives me more confidence in the intelligence of David.  Not much given he still praises a hateful god but some confidence is better than none.  I think.  🙂

“David and his men settled in Gath with Achish. Each man had his family with him, and David had his two wives: Ahinoam of Jezreel and Abigail of Carmel, the widow of Nabal.” – 1 Samuel 27:3

The Bible mentions David’s multiple wives again.  Traditional marriage at its finest.

“Now David and his men went up and raided the Geshurites, the Girzites and the Amalekites.” – 1 Samuel 27:8

Um…why?  Why raid these people?

“Whenever David attacked an area, he did not leave a man or woman alive, but took sheep and cattle, donkeys and camels, and clothes. Then he returned to Achish.” – 1 Samuel 27:9

This implies David has attacked multiple areas and left not one person alive.  Sickening.  I guess it makes sense David spends all this time praising God in the book of Psalms.  David is an evil murderer just like God.

“He did not leave a man or woman alive to be brought to Gath, for he thought, ‘They might inform on us and say, ‘This is what David did.’’ And such was his practice as long as he lived in Philistine territory.” – 1 Samuel 27:11

Naturally!  If you’re going to attack a land you must kill everyone so your deeds don’t spread to others.  Biblical morals at their finest.  Kill everyone who knows so they can’t tell others.  We should be teaching this in kindergarten!  Wait, Christian fundamentalists want us to have more Bible in schools.  Of course, what they want are their cherry picked versus and not the whole Bible.  The whole Bible is disgusting and the quickest path to de-conversion.

1 Samuel 27 did not have any direct interaction between Saul and David.  They are separated at the moment but that hasn’t stopped David from killing other tribes for…well, we’re not sure what for.  The Bible never explains.  It only explains that every man and woman was killed!  Biblical morals.  David is a brutal murderer.  Plain and simple.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 17:  A prayer of David.

1 Samuel – Chapter 26: David Again Spares Saul’s Life

In our last look in 1 Samuel we learned that ‘traditional’ marriage in the Bible is one of taking a woman, regardless of her wishes, as your wife and then immediately taking other wives, likely against their wishes and the wishes of the current wives to share more wives.  Think about that the next time you or someone else argues for more traditional marriage in society.  Let’s dive right in to 1 Samuel 26.  Saul is still searching for David to kill him.

“So David and Abishai went to the army by night, and there was Saul, lying asleep inside the camp with his spear stuck in the ground near his head.” – 1 Samuel 26:7

How is it David can easily find Saul, but Saul can’t find David?  On top of that, David is able to sneak through thousands surrounding Saul to get to him.  Not very believable unless David is wearing the “one ring to bind them all!”

“But David said to Abishai, ‘Don’t destroy him! Who can lay a hand on the Lord’s anointed and be guiltless?’” – 1 Samuel 26:9

Since Saul was controlled by God, David was so close to killing God.  One thrust of the spear and God is dead, saving millions of lives!!!  Well, maybe not quite, but pleasing to think about.

“So David took the spear and water jug near Saul’s head, and they left. No one saw or knew about it, nor did anyone wake up.” – 1 Samuel 26:12

If no one saw or knew about it, then how are we reading about it?  No one really knows the author of 1 Samuel, but as far as I can tell, no one has credited authorship to David.

“They were all sleeping, because the Lord had put them into a deep sleep.” – 1 Samuel 26:12

Or, you know, it was simply their bedtime and they were sleeping.  An act of God is hardly needed for a deep sleep.

“David said, ‘You’re a man, aren’t you? And who is like you in Israel? Why didn’t you guard your lord the king? Someone came to destroy your lord the king. What you have done is not good. As surely as the Lord lives, you and your men must die, because you did not guard your master, the Lord’s anointed. Look around you. Where are the king’s spear and water jug that were near his head?’” – 1 Samuel 26:15-16

WTF???  The Bible just said no one ever saw or new about David sneaking near Saul.  Seriously?  Three verses later David blabs it for all to know!!!  One would think that if the authors of the Bible were going to blatantly lie they’d be a bit more careful about it!

“Then Saul said, ‘I have sinned. Come back, David my son. Because you considered my life precious today, I will not try to harm you again. Surely I have acted like a fool and have been terribly wrong.’” – 1 Samuel 26:21

One of two things is going on here.  Either Saul is serious, apologizing for trying to kill David, or this is a trick to bring David back in Saul’s grasp.  If Saul is serious, that is very lame.  He’s not just going to say he’s sorry all of a sudden.  If Saul is tricking David and David accepts it as he’s about to do, that’s also lame.  There’s no way David would simply say that all is okay and offer forgiveness.  Who does that other than biblical characters?

“Then Saul said to David, ‘May you be blessed, David my son; you will do great things and surely triumph.’ So David went on his way, and Saul returned home.” – 1 Samuel 26:25

Sigh.  And just like that everything is okay.  Think of this like a plot of the movie.  It basically goes like this.  Saul chases David and tries to kill him.  David says no, I didn’t kill you, please don’t kill me.  Saul thinks and concludes, yeah, that makes sense.  I’m sorry, I won’t kill you.  David replies by saying all is cool, let’s go on our way.  No FREAKING way!  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, the Bible would be much more believable if the stories were grounded in reality!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 27:  David Among the Philistines

1 Samuel – Chapter 25: David, Nabal and Abigail

Welcome back to 1 Samuel.  After several chapters of Psalms, we move back to 1 Samuel.  As a quick recap, David is God’s new lackey, but oddly enough, God has taken control of Saul’s body and is trying to kill David.  David has fled and seeking God’s assistance in stopping Saul, or God himself depending on how you look at it, from killing him.

“Now Samuel died, and all Israel assembled and mourned for him; and they buried him at his home in Ramah. Then David moved down into the Desert of Paran.” – 1 Samuel 25:1

And just like that, Samuel, the one who anointed Saul as king, dies.  A bit anti-climatic.

“While David was in the wilderness, he heard that Nabal was shearing sheep.  So he sent ten young men and said to them, ‘Go up to Nabal at Carmel and greet him in my name.’” – 1 Samuel 25:4-5

I can’t help but see this as sounding like the start of a porn.

“Now I hear that it is sheep-shearing time. When your shepherds were with us, we did not mistreat them, and the whole time they were at Carmel nothing of theirs was missing.” – 1 Samuel 25:7

Wait, is the Bible talking about the literal shearing of sheep, or is this a euphemism for shaving one’s pubic hair?  🙂

“David’s men turned around and went back. When they arrived, they reported every word. David said to his men, ‘Each of you strap on your sword!’” – 1 Samuel 25:12-13

Strap on your sword?  Euphemism for…?  Sorry, can’t help it.  Turning this chapter into a porn is way too easy today!  Okay, enough with the jokes.  Next, the wife of Nabal, Abigail, finds David and offers her support to him.

“Please forgive your servant’s presumption. The Lord your God will certainly make a lasting dynasty for my lord, because you fight the Lord’s battles, and no wrongdoing will be found in you as long as you live.” – 1 Samuel 25:28

By fighting the Lord’s battles, David is agreeing to rape and murder.  David is filled with wrongdoing.  Also, why does God need a mortal human to fight his battles?  Can this all-powerful god not just do it himself?  Or is he really a weakling of a god?

“When the Lord has fulfilled for my lord every good thing he promised concerning him and has appointed him ruler over Israel, my lord will not have on his conscience the staggering burden of needless bloodshed or of having avenged himself.” – 1 Samuel 25:30-31

We’ll have to wait to find out, but something tells me the bloodshed will not end when David is anointed leader of the Israelites.

“Then in the morning, when Nabal was sober, his wife told him all these things, and his heart failed him and he became like a stone. About ten days later, the Lord struck Nabal and he died.” – 1 Samuel 25:37-38

Interesting.  If he turned to something “like stone” why didn’t he die right way?  God is known for killing people right away, not waiting ten days.  Or, and I know this is crazy, Nabal had a heart attack and died of heart failure.  Crazy, I know, but maybe, just maybe there’s a logical explanation to explain Nabal’s death.

“Then David sent word to Abigail, asking her to become his wife. His servants went to Carmel and said to Abigail, ‘David has sent us to you to take you to become his wife.’” – 1 Samuel 25:39-40

Notice how “asking” became “take” in the next verse?  Is David really asking or is he taking?  Based on what we know of how the Bible views women, it’s safe to assume David is taking Abigail, against her will, to be his wife.

“She bowed down with her face to the ground and said, ‘I am your servant and am ready to serve you and wash the feet of my lord’s servants.’” – 1 Samuel 25:41

Abigail refers to herself as his servant because she knows in this society there is no hope for a life unless she agrees to be David’s wife.  I would never, never, accept myself as a servant to another human nor do I think you would either.

“David had also married Ahinoam of Jezreel, and they both were his wives.” – 1 Samuel 25:43

ROFL!  No sooner does David take his first wife, he takes a second.  Family values straight from the Bible!  The next time an arrogant Christian argues for traditional marriage, point to this verse.  Traditional marriage defined by the Bible includes multiple wives.

It’s good to get back into 1 Samuel.  Samuel is dead and Saul is still after David.  David gets some help from a woman, then later takes her hand in marriage, but it is very questionable she had a choice.  David immediately takes a second wife as God stands by and approves.  Traditional Biblical values.  Sigh.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 26:  David Again Spares Saul’s Life

1 Samuel – Chapter 24: David Spares Saul’s Life

The killing continues in 1 Samuel.  Will it end in chapter 24?  Let’s find out.

“So Saul took three thousand able young men from all Israel and set out to look for David and his men near the Crags of the Wild Goats.” – 1 Samuel 24:2

Seriously, how hard is it to find one man when you are both living in the same geographical area?  It’s not as if David is in Australia and you have no idea where it is and no boats to get there!

“He came to the sheep pens along the way; a cave was there, and Saul went in to relieve himself” – 1 Samuel 24:3

Is this the first mention of someone taking a piss in the Bible?  Or was this a number two?  🙂

“The men said, ‘This is the day the Lord spoke of when he said to you, ‘I will give your enemy into your hands for you to deal with as you wish.’’ Then David crept up unnoticed and cut off a corner of Saul’s robe.” – 1 Samuel 24:4

Picture this in your mind.  Saul is taking a piss or a poo-poo and David creeps up behind him and cuts of a piece of his robe.  WTF?

“Afterward, David was conscience-stricken for having cut off a corner of his robe. He said to his men, ‘The Lord forbid that I should do such a thing to my master, the Lord’s anointed, or lay my hand on him; for he is the anointed of the Lord.’ With these words David sharply rebuked his men and did not allow them to attack Saul. And Saul left the cave and went his way.” – 1 Samuel 24:5-7

 

Oh for fuck’s sake.  If your god is pissed that you cut off a piece of a robe, then find a new god or stop believing in an imaginary, man-made creator.

 

“Then David went out of the cave and called out to Saul, ‘My lord the king!’ When Saul looked behind him, David bowed down and prostrated himself with his face to the ground. He said to Saul, ‘Why do you listen when men say, ‘David is bent on harming you’?’ This day you have seen with your own eyes how the Lord delivered you into my hands in the cave. Some urged me to kill you, but I spared you; I said, ‘I will not lay my hand on my lord, because he is the Lord’s anointed.’” – 1 Samuel 24:8-10

Now picture this conversation taking place with Saul in mid-stream or squatting and in mid shit.  🙂

“I have not wronged you, but you are hunting me down to take my life.” – 1 Samuel 24:11

David speaks the truth here.  Unfortunately God has clouded Saul’s mind with evil.

“As the old saying goes, ‘From evildoers come evil deeds,’ so my hand will not touch you.” – 1 Samuel 24:13

God needs to heed David’s words.

“’You are more righteous than I,’ he said. ‘You have treated me well, but I have treated you badly.’” – 1 Samuel 24:17

Don’t be too hard on yourself Saul.  You were not in control of your actions.  God was controlling you.  This is not your fault!

“So David gave his oath (to not kill Saul’s family) to Saul. Then Saul returned home, but David and his men went up to the stronghold.” – 1 Samuel 24:22

David is a far more righteous person than God is a deity.

That concludes 1 Samuel 24.  It starts with a bit of humor with Saul either pissing or taking a shit as David creeps up behind him.  It ends with David sparing Saul and his family, proving that humans are far more righteous than God.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 7:  A shiggaion of David, which he sang to the Lord concerning Cush, a Benjamite.