1 Samuel – Chapter 23: David Saves Keilah

We continue through the book of 1 Samuel.  David is on the run and Saul, controlled by God, is killing anyone in his way of getting to David.

“When David was told, ‘Look, the Philistines are fighting against Keilah and are looting the threshing floors,’ he inquired of the Lord, saying, ‘Shall I go and attack these Philistines?’ The Lord answered him, ‘Go, attack the Philistines and save Keilah.’” – 1 Samuel 23:1-2

Or God could just stop hardening peoples’ hearts!

“Once again David inquired of the Lord, and the Lord answered him, ‘Go down to Keilah, for I am going to give the Philistines into your hand.’ So David and his men went to Keilah, fought the Philistines and carried off their livestock. He inflicted heavy losses on the Philistines and saved the people of Keilah.” – 1 Samuel 23:4-5

How many innocent men, women, children, and babies were killed in this battle with the consent of God?

“And Saul called up all his forces for battle, to go down to Keilah to besiege David and his men.” – 1 Samuel 23:8

I know I sound like a broken record, but it’s important to repeat again and again that God is controlling Saul.  God has hardened Saul’s heart forcing him to commit evil.  Saul does none of this without the control of God.

“So David and his men, about six hundred in number, left Keilah and kept moving from place to place. When Saul was told that David had escaped from Keilah, he did not go there.” – 1 Samuel 23:13

This whole thing is ridiculous.  God is controlling Saul to make him commit evil to punish the Israelites and to eventually make David king.  Um…just make David king without the murder, death, and destruction!  This is NOT a loving god.  Saul continues to search for David over the next several verses.

“As Saul and his forces were closing in on David and his men to capture them, a messenger came to Saul, saying, ‘Come quickly! The Philistines are raiding the land.’ Then Saul broke off his pursuit of David and went to meet the Philistines.” – 1 Samuel 23:26-28

So God causes this back and forth chase and flee between Saul and David and then has the Philistines attack the people and land?  How many people died during this event?  We’re not told, but it’s a guarantee many innocent people died all for God to get his jollies.

That concludes 1 Samuel 23.  I admit the back and forth between Saul and David is getting old.  This chapter shows us that people are dying as a result of what God is doing.  God has caused this chase.  God refuses to allow this chase to end.  People are dying because of it!  An all-loving god?  ROFL!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 24:  David Spares Saul’s Life

1 Samuel – Chapter 22: David at Adullam and Mizpah

The previous chapter of 1 Samuel was short, but included several verses in which it is clear the authors of the Bible favored men over women.  Either the Bible is God breathed and therefore God is a misogynistic asshole, or the Bible was written by men who wanted to control women.  You know which I think is true.  Let’s now move ahead into the next chapter, 1 Samuel 22.

“Now Saul heard that David and his men had been discovered. And Saul was seated, spear in hand, under the tamarisk tree on the hill at Gibeah, with all his officials standing at his side.” – 1 Samuel 22:6

Hmmm…Saul sure has a fetish for spears!  Much of the remaining verses in this chapter focus on Saul arguing with the protectors of David.

“The king (Saul) then ordered Doeg, ‘You turn and strike down the priests.’ So Doeg the Edomite turned and struck them down. That day he killed eighty-five men who wore the linen ephod.” – 1 Samuel 22:18

I don’t doubt that Saul ordered the killing.  God has hardened Saul’s heart so I’m sure Saul, through the ‘power’ of God, did this.  What I don’t believe is Doeg single handedly killing 85 men.  He was armed, so I’m sure he killed a few, but 85?  Surely he would be overwhelmed.  He as a spear, maybe a sword and a shield.  He does not have a fully automatic weapon with an unlimited ammo supply!  The Bible would be much more believable if the numbers made more sense.  For example, what’s wrong with saying Doeg killed 5 people that day?  It’s still horrific, yet it makes physical sense!  It could conceivably happen.

“But one son of Ahimelek son of Ahitub, named Abiathar, escaped and fled to join David. He told David that Saul had killed the priests of the Lord. Then David said to Abiathar, ‘That day, when Doeg the Edomite was there, I knew he would be sure to tell Saul. I am responsible for the death of your whole family. Stay with me; don’t be afraid. The man who wants to kill you is trying to kill me too. You will be safe with me.’” – 1 Samuel 22:20-23

I’m sure the people appreciated this and sought true comfort in staying with David.  After all, they can see Saul is a maniac.  What they can’t see is God controlling Saul!  Saul killing people is not sickening.  God controlling Saul and killing people is the sickening part.

This chapter was more of the same.  God continues to control Saul.  Saul, through God, continues to kill.  David is still on the run as well as the people with David.  This is not going to end well.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 23:  David Saves Keilah

1 Samuel – Chapter 21: David at Nob

I hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving (here in the U.S.) and are celebrating today just as Jesus intended by spending all day at Wal-Mart fighting to buy the latest ‘deal’ on cheap shit that will break a few days after being opened.  J  Speaking of Jesus/God/Holy Spirit/Asshole, let’s dig back into the Bible and pick up where we left off Wednesday.  On Wednesday I discussed 1 Samuel 20 in which we learned Saul is trying to kill David and Jonathan and absolutely sucks at throwing a spear short distances.  The focus of 1 Samuel 21 turns back to David.

“David answered Ahimelek the priest, “The king sent me on a mission and said to me, ‘No one is to know anything about the mission I am sending you on.’” – 1 Samuel 21:2

Um…that’s a lie!  We already know that David is God’s lackey, and God is okay with lying?

“But the priest answered David, ‘I don’t have any ordinary bread on hand; however, there is some consecrated bread here—provided the men have kept themselves from women.’” – 1 Samuel 21:4

Yeah, you don’t want to fuck up God’s bread by associating yourself with a woman.  Women do nothing but fuck up the good bread.  🙂

“David replied, ‘Indeed women have been kept from us, as usual whenever I set out. The men’s bodies are holy even on missions that are not holy. How much more so today!’” – 1 Samuel 21:5

OMG the misogyny is thick in this chapter!  Women do nothing but keep men unholy.  WOW!

“So he (David) pretended to be insane in their presence; and while he was in their hands he acted like a madman, making marks on the doors of the gate and letting saliva run down his beard.” – 1 Samuel 21:13


“Am I so short of madmen that you have to bring this fellow here to carry on like this in front of me? Must this man come into my house?” – 1 Samuel 21:15

You can’t tell that he looks like David!!!

Sigh.  Another chapter in the Bible promoting misogyny.  A short chapter with several misogynistic verses.  Why does any woman support Christianity given what it says about women?

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 22:  David at Adullam and Mizpah

1 Samuel 18:26-27

It’s time for another weekly edition of Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday.  I’ve already pulled several verses from the book of 1 Samuel, but here’s another that is perfect for today’s crazy bible verse.  This one comes from the story of David.

“When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.” – 1 Samuel 18:26-27

Picture this in your head.  David goes running out into battle, cuts of the dick tip of Philistine after Philistine until he has 200 dick tips.  Then he returns them to the king in exchange for a bride.  Image how the bride feels?  She was just purchased for dick tips.  DICK TIPS!?!?!?!  And how the hell could the Philistines not stop David?  I suppose they were dead now that I think about it.  Initially I had pictured David de-robing the Philistines in the middle of battle and de-dick tipping them in the middle of a sword fight.  ROFL!

This is a set of ridiculous verses that should make anyone reading them stop and think for a moment and ask, did this really happen?  Of course it didn’t really happen!  Even in biblical times filled with misogyny the idea of buying a bride for 200 foreskins is ridiculous!!!

1 Samuel – Chapter 19: Saul Tries to Kill David

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel, 1 Samuel 18, David chopped of the dick tips of 200 Philistines and traded them in for a wife.  I KID YOU NOT!!!  The Bible really says this!  Wow!  Can this chapter, 1 Samuel 19, top that in crazy?  I have no doubt there will be crazy, but crazier than chopping off 200 dick tips and trading them in for a wife?  That’s a tough task!  This chapter begins with Saul wanting David killed.  Jonathan, David’s co-star in the gay porn movie discussed in the previous chapter, warns David.

“The Lord won a great victory for all Israel, and you saw it and were glad.” – 1 Samuel 19:5

Once again, the Bible makes it clear the Lord supports all of the killing in the Bible.

“But an evil spirit from the Lord came on Saul as he was sitting in his house with his spear in his hand. While David was playing the lyre, Saul tried to pin him to the wall with his spear, but David eluded him as Saul drove the spear into the wall. That night David made good his escape.” – 1 Samuel 19:9-10

This is the second time God has invaded Saul’s body and tried to kill David.  Saul did not try to kill David.  God did.  God is the attempted killer in this story.

“So Saul went to Naioth at Ramah. But the Spirit of God came even on him, and he walked along prophesying until he came to Naioth. He stripped off his garments, and he too prophesied in Samuel’s presence. He lay naked all that day and all that night. This is why people say, ‘Is Saul also among the prophets?’” – 1 Samuel 19:23-24

These are the last two verses in this chapter and two of the craziest.  We already know God has no problem taking over someone’s body to do evil.  In this case, however, God takes over Saul’s body and strips him naked.  Um…what the fuck God?  You’re all-powerful.  If you want to see a naked man, can’t you just see through clothes?  Why the need to take over a body and strip it naked for all to see?  Weird.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 20:  David and Jonathan

1 Samuel – Chapter 18: Saul’s Growing Fear of David

In the last chapter of 1 Samuel we read about the story of David and Goliath.  Goliath was a huge giant (that never existed for obvious reasons, starting with no evidence in the fossil record of giants) and David was a smaller man.  David wins by flinging a small stone at Goliath that brings him down.  The chapter ends with the Israelites waging war on the Philistines and killing thousands, including women, children, and babies.  But don’t you forget that this is a LOVING god.  🙂  Let’s see what 1 Samuel 18 has in store for us.

“Jonathan took off the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his tunic, and even his sword, his bow and his belt.” – 1 Samuel 18:5

This sounds like the start of a bad, gay porn movie.

“Saul was very angry; this refrain displeased him greatly. ‘They have credited David with tens of thousands,’ he thought, ‘but me with only thousands. What more can he get but the kingdom?’” – 1 Samuel 18:8

Saul is clearly jealous of David.   I have two problems with this.  First, Saul’s emotions are the direct cause of God.  God had control of Saul’s heart and later said bad times would come to Saul.  Saul is jealous as a result of God’s meddling.  Second, the Bible argues that whoever kills more people is a better person.  Seriously?  This is a book of morals?

“The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully on Saul. He was prophesying in his house, while David was playing the lyre, as he usually did. Saul had a spear in his hand and he hurled it, saying to himself, ‘I’ll pin David to the wall.’ But David eluded him twice.” – 1 Samuel 18:10-11

Don’t blame Saul.  God is doing this to Saul.  Saul has no control over his emotions and actions.  God is the one trying to kill David in this story.

“In everything he did he had great success, because the Lord was with him.” – 1 Samuel 18:14

Killing tens of thousands who aren’t attacking or bothering you is considered a success in the Bible?  Again, this is a book of morals?  Notice that David has success because the Lord is with him.  God is the cause of this death and destruction.

“Saul said to David, ‘Here is my older daughter Merab. I will give her to you in marriage; only serve me bravely and fight the battles of the Lord.’” – 1 Samuel 18:17

Once again women are treated as property in the Bible.  They are not considered human beings with equal rights.  Saul offers a second daughter to David.  David’s response?

“But David said, ‘Do you think it is a small matter to become the king’s son-in-law? I’m only a poor man and little known.’” – 1 Samuel 18:23

David doesn’t reject Saul’s daughters out of respect to the daughters.  He rejects them because he doesn’t consider himself worthy.  Don’t think David has the women in mind when he makes this decision.  He does it for himself.

“Saul replied, ‘Say to David, ‘The king wants no other price for the bride than a hundred Philistine foreskins, to take revenge on his enemies.’’” – 1 Samuel 18:25

ROFL!  Think about how the daughter feels.  She’s being sold for 100 dick tips!  ROFL!!!

“When the attendants told David these things, he was pleased to become the king’s son-in-law. So before the allotted time elapsed, David took his men with him and went out and killed two hundred Philistines and brought back their foreskins. They counted out the full number to the king so that David might become the king’s son-in-law. Then Saul gave him his daughter Michal in marriage.” – 1 Samuel 18:26-27

OMFG!!!  Picture this in your head.  David goes out into battle, kills 200 men, cuts off the tip of their dicks, then returns them in exchange for a bride.  David is such a nice guy that he buys the daughter for 200 dick tips instead of the asking price of 100 dick tips.  ROFL!!!!

That concludes 1 Samuel 18.  ROFL!  This chapter is amazing in that it is s so ridiculous that I can’t believe Christians believe this stuff.  How can you believe in a god that supports a man running around cutting off the dick tips of corpses?  You could make a movie out of this!  David, with God supporting him, runs around cutting off dick tips, and exchanges them for a bride.  ROFL!!!

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 19:  Saul Tries to Kill David

1 Samuel – Chapter 17: David and Goliath

1 Samuel 17 brings us one of the more famous stories in the Bible.  Like the story of Noah and the Ark, most people have heard of the story of David and Goliath.  It’s the classic underdog beats the favorite theme that people love in movies and in sporting events.

“A champion named Goliath, who was from Gath, came out of the Philistine camp. His height was six cubits and a span.” – 1 Samuel 17:4

That’s equivalent to 9 feet 9 inches tall.  That’s quite tall, but also impossible.  The tallest human ever, Robert Wadlow, was 8 feet 11 inches tall.  Very tall, for sure, but a full ten inches shorter than Goliath.  He was tall for a reason.  He had hyperplasia of the pituitary gland.  He died at the age of 22 (Goliath is described as being much older).  He needed leg braces to walk and had very little feeling in his legs.  He certainly didn’t have the mobility of a warrior.  There is also no fossil evidence of giants living a few thousand years ago.  In other words, this is a made up story with no truth to it at all, just like the rest of the Bible.

“On hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified.” – 1 Samuel 17:11

Why?  Isn’t God mighty enough to defeat Goliath?  Even if God runs in fear, do a mass attack.  Goliath may be nearly 10 feet tall, but a group of Israelites could easily defeat him.  It’s a stupid war tactic to try to defeat Goliath in a one on one battle.

“For forty days the Philistine came forward every morning and evening and took his stand.” – 1 Samuel 17:16

They did this for forty days!!!  Sigh.

“Now the Israelites had been saying, ‘Do you see how this man keeps coming out? He comes out to defy Israel. The king will give great wealth to the man who kills him. He will also give him his daughter in marriage and will exempt his family from taxes in Israel.’” – 1 Samuel 17:25

Once again, the Bible considers women property.  The daughter has no choice in the matter.

“David asked the men standing near him, ‘What will be done for the man who kills this Philistine and removes this disgrace from Israel? Who is this uncircumcised Philistine that he should defy the armies of the living God?’” – 1 Samuel 17:26

Ah, so it boils down to Goliath not having chopped off the tip of his dick.  Good to know.

“But David said to Saul, ‘Your servant has been keeping his father’s sheep. When a lion or a bear came and carried off a sheep from the flock, I went after it, struck it and rescued the sheep from its mouth. When it turned on me, I seized it by its hair, struck it and killed it.’” – 1 Samuel 17:34-35

ROFL!  For starters, if you are pulling a sheep from the mouth of a lion, you are pulling out a corpse.  Secondly, grabbing a lion/bear by the hair?  LOL!  Give me a break!

“David said to the Philistine, ‘You come against me with sword and spear and javelin, but I come against you in the name of the Lord Almighty, the God of the armies of Israel, whom you have defied.’” – 1 Samuel 17:45

This is the same god who has been conveniently absent in this story.

“As the Philistine moved closer to attack him, David ran quickly toward the battle line to meet him.  Reaching into his bag and taking out a stone, he slung it and struck the Philistine on the forehead. The stone sank into his forehead, and he fell facedown on the ground.” – 1 Samuel 17:48-49

Could a stone kill a man?  Sure, with enough speed the stone could strike with enough force to crack the skull and cause internal brain injury.  There’s nothing wrong with the method by which Goliath died.  Did the stone “sink” into Goliath’s forehead?  No, because that’s not how the physics works.  The stone is not a fast speeding bullet.  It’s moving at a much slower speed and is certainly larger than a bullet.  The stone will bounce off.

“After he killed him, he cut off his head with the sword.” – 1 Samuel 17:51

God always wants you to cut the head off your victim.

“Then the men of Israel and Judah surged forward with a shout and pursued the Philistines to the entrance of Gath and to the gates of Ekron. Their dead were strewn along the Shaaraim road to Gath and Ekron. When the Israelites returned from chasing the Philistines, they plundered their camp.” – 1 Samuel 17:52:53

More death and destruction at the hands of God.  How many women and children were killed this time?  We don’t know, but the entire camp was destroyed, so let’s assume at a minimum thousands were killed.

That concludes the story of David and Goliath, clearly a fictional story, like most, if not all in the Bible, that contains no truth.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 18:  Saul’s Growing Fear of David

1 Samuel – Chapter 16: Samuel Anoints David

Saul is now out as God’s lackey and David is about to replace him.  This is David as in David and Goliath fame.

“Samuel did what the Lord said. When he arrived at Bethlehem, the elders of the town trembled when they met him. They asked, ‘Do you come in peace?’” – 1 Samuel 16:4

A valid question given all the killing God commands the Israelites to commit.

“But the Lord said to Samuel, ‘Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.’” – 1 Samuel 16:7

ROFL!  What a lie!  We learned earlier in the Bible God detests damaged testicles.  Of course God looks at the outward appearance of people.  There’s also all the rules on shaving and one’s hair length.

“So Samuel took the horn of oil and anointed him in the presence of his brothers, and from that day on the Spirit of the Lord came powerfully upon David.” – 1 Samuel 16:13

David is now officially God’s chosen one to lead the Israelites.

“Now the Spirit of the Lord had departed from Saul, and an evil spirit from the Lord tormented him.” – 1 Samuel 16:14

Once again, Saul has no control over his actions.  God is fully in control of Saul.  If Saul does evil it is the result of God.  God is the one committing evil, not Saul.

“Let our lord command his servants here to search for someone who can play the lyre. He will play when the evil spirit from God comes on you, and you will feel better.” – 1 Samuel 16:16

WTF?  Playing a lyre removes evil spirits?  This is a joke right?  And the servant who can play the lyre?  David!

“Whenever the spirit from God came on Saul, David would take up his lyre and play. Then relief would come to Saul; he would feel better, and the evil spirit would leave him.” – 1 Samuel 16:23

LOL!  Give the God of the Bible credit for creating one messed up storyline!

To end, this chapter introduces us to David who is God’s new lackey.

Coming Soon: 1 Samuel – Chapter 17: David and Goliath

1 Samuel – Chapter 15: The Lord Rejects Saul as King

In 1 Samuel 14, God is nowhere to be seen, likely because he’s upset at what the people are eating or not eating.  Jonathan eats some honey, against the rules he did not know, and was almost put to death.  In this chapter the title tells us the Lord is about to reject Saul as the king of the Israelites.  Saul is God’s lackey, so this should be interesting.

“This is what the Lord Almighty says: ‘I will punish the Amalekites for what they did to Israel when they waylaid them as they came up from Egypt. Now go, attack the Amalekites and totally destroy all that belongs to them. Do not spare them; put to death men and women, children and infants, cattle and sheep, camels and donkeys.’” – 1 Samuel 15:2-3

More bloodlust approved by God.  Note that God demands everyone, including the children and infants, must be killed.  The Bible is a book of morals, right?

“He took Agag king of the Amalekites alive, and all his people he totally destroyed with the sword.” – 1 Samuel 15:8

Just so there is no confusion, Saul followed through on the command of killing the children and infants.

“But Saul and the army spared Agag and the best of the sheep and cattle, the fat calves and lambs—everything that was good. These they were unwilling to destroy completely, but everything that was despised and weak they totally destroyed.” – 1 Samuel 15:9

Uh-oh.  God is going to be PISSED that Saul didn’t kill and destroy EVERYTHING!

“Then the word of the Lord came to Samuel: ‘I regret that I have made Saul king, because he has turned away from me and has not carried out my instructions.’ Samuel was angry, and he cried out to the Lord all that night.” – 1 Samuel 15:10-11

How can an all-knowing god have regrets?  God has control of Saul’s heart.  God knew exactly what was going to happen.  He can’t now have regrets!!!  Unless of course…he doesn’t exist!

“Saul answered, ‘The soldiers brought them from the Amalekites; they spared the best of the sheep and cattle to sacrifice to the Lord your God, but we totally destroyed the rest.’” – 1 Samuel 15:15

Yeah, like uh, we totally destroyed the rest.  Totally!

“Does the Lord delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices as much as in obeying the Lord? To obey is better than sacrifice, and to heed is better than the fat of rams. For rebellion is like the sin of divination, and arrogance like the evil of idolatry. Because you have rejected the word of the Lord, he has rejected you as king.” – 1 Samuel 15:22-23

In other words, the Bible says it is always better to obey than to think critically.  Thinking is the devil’s work.

“Samuel said to him, The Lord has torn the kingdom of Israel from you today and has given it to one of your neighbors—to one better than you.’” – 1 Samuel 15:28

God is the one who hardened Saul’s heart.  God had complete control of Saul.  God made decisions for Saul.  If God has chosen a better leader, than God has chosen someone better than God.  Interesting.

“He who is the Glory of Israel does not lie or change his mind; for he is not a human being, that he should change his mind.” – 1 Samuel 15:29

Ah, a foreshadowing to Jesus.  Jesus, God’s son who is actually God himself in human form who must be killed to fix the mistakes that God, er Jesus, made.  Yeah, because that makes sense.

“Until the day Samuel died, he did not go to see Saul again, though Samuel mourned for him. And the Lord regretted that he had made Saul king over Israel.” – 1 Samuel 15:35

Let’s pick this apart.  Samuel refuses to see Saul.  But that actually makes sense given the message Jesus directly sends in Matthew 19:29.

“And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life.” – Matthew 19:29

To receive the rewards of God/Jesus, you must forsake your family and friends.  Samuel is simply following the rules God has set forth.  In addition, we again read that God ‘regretted’.  An all-knowing being, by definition, cannot regret.

That concludes 1 Samuel 15.  God commands everyone in a tribe be put to death, including children, babies, and animals.  Saul kills the people, aside from the King, but saves some of the animals to then kill in a sacrifice to God.  So the animals were to be killed too.  Yet God is mad.  He doesn’t want anyone thinking.  Killing the children and babies was not enough for God.  The animals had to go too.  Because they didn’t, God and Samuel forsake Saul.  Confused?  That’s normal.  It’s the Bible.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 16:  Samuel Anoints David

1 Samuel – Chapter 14: Jonathan Attacks the Philistines

In the last book of 1 Samuel (Chapter 13), God has hardened the heart of Saul and as a result the Israelites are once again on the brink of war.  God doesn’t like peace, only war satisfies him.

“One day Jonathan son of Saul said to his young armor-bearer, ‘Come, let’s go over to the Philistine outpost on the other side.’ But he did not tell his father. – 1 Samuel 14:1

This chapter starts with lying, as do many chapters in the Bible.

“Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, ‘Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised men. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few.’” – 1 Samuel 14:6

Once again, we see the obsession, by the authors of the Bible, of dick tips.  Yes, dick tips play an integral role in many biblical stories.  And yes, there is something that can hinder the Lord.  The Lord himself.  God chooses to not act, regardless of the actions of his ‘creations’.

“If they say to us, ‘Wait there until we come to you,’ we will stay where we are and not go up to them. But if they say, ‘Come up to us,’ we will climb up, because that will be our sign that the Lord has given them into our hands.” – 1 Samuel 14:9

Seriously?  That’s how you’re going to decide what to do?  An action that can turn the tide of this war?

“Jonathan climbed up, using his hands and feet, with his armor-bearer right behind him. The Philistines fell before Jonathan, and his armor-bearer followed and killed behind him.  In that first attack Jonathan and his armor-bearer killed some twenty men in an area of about half an acre.” – 1 Samuel 14:13-14

No, this did not happen.  Jonathan and his armor-bearer, two men, did not kill twenty men in the area.  Why not?  Look at the setup.  Jonathan does not have the element of surprise to his advantage.  The Philistines know he is coming.  Jonathan doesn’t have a geographical advantage either.  He’s climbing up a hill.  Fighting someone above you is MUCH more difficult than fighting someone below you.  Then there’s the ten to one advantage.  Nope, didn’t happen…unless of course you believe in talking donkeys.

“Then panic struck the whole army—those in the camp and field, and those in the outposts and raiding parties—and the ground shook. It was a panic sent by God.” – 1 Samuel 14:15

Or you know, an earthquake.  Earthquakes cause shaking ground.

“Now the Israelites were in distress that day, because Saul had bound the people under an oath, saying, ‘Cursed be anyone who eats food before evening comes, before I have avenged myself on my enemies!’ So none of the troops tasted food.” – 1 Samuel 14:24

The Israelites are battle weary, yet are denied food?  That’s a stupid move, but one I’m sure God supports.

“But Jonathan had not heard that his father had bound the people with the oath, so he reached out the end of the staff that was in his hand and dipped it into the honeycomb. He raised his hand to his mouth, and his eyes brightened.” – 1 Samuel 14:27

Note that as the verse states, Jonathan did not know of the curse.

“Then someone said to Saul, ‘Look, the men are sinning against the Lord by eating meat that has blood in it.’” – 1 Samuel 14:33

Oh the horror!  Because eating meat with blood in it is the most important thing to God!

“Saul said, ‘Let us go down and pursue the Philistines by night and plunder them till dawn, and let us not leave one of them alive.’” – 1 Samuel 14:36

Including the women, children, and babies!!!  Death to all!!!

“So Saul asked God, ‘Shall I go down and pursue the Philistines? Will you give them into Israel’s hand?’ But God did not answer him that day.” – 1 Samuel 14:37

ROFL!  Of course not.  God’s still pissed that people ate the wrong kind of meat!

“Saul therefore said, ‘Come here, all you who are leaders of the army, and let us find out what sin has been committed today. As surely as the Lord who rescues Israel lives, even if the guilt lies with my son Jonathan, he must die.’ But not one of them said a word.” – 1 Samuel 14:38-39

Uh-oh.  Looks like Jonathan is toast for eating the honey!

“So Jonathan told him, ‘I tasted a little honey with the end of my staff. And now I must die!’” – 1 Samuel 14:43

Maybe, just maybe this is justified if Jonathan had known about the honey eating rule.  But he didn’t!

“But the men said to Saul, ‘Should Jonathan die—he who has brought about this great deliverance in Israel? Never! As surely as the Lord lives, not a hair of his head will fall to the ground, for he did this today with God’s help.’ So the men rescued Jonathan, and he was not put to death.” – 1 Samuel 14:45

Where is God?  Nowhere to be found.  Still pissed off at the meat with blood in it I presume.

“All the days of Saul there was bitter war with the Philistines, and whenever Saul saw a mighty or brave man, he took him into his service.” – 1 Samuel 14:52

And why is this?  Oh yeah, God hardened Saul’s heart.

This chapter of 1 Samuel was rather lengthy and included much nonsense, including specific rules about eating meat and honey, as if eating certain foods is an important thing to consider here.  God remains silent and as a result, Jonathan, who knew nothing of the honey eating rule, is almost killed.  It took men more moral than God to rescue Jonathan and save him from death.

Coming Soon:  1 Samuel – Chapter 15:  The Lord Rejects Saul as King