2 Kings – Chapter 17: Hoshea Last King of Israel

Today we take a look at the LAST king of Israel. Interesting!

“In the twelfth year of Ahaz king of Judah, Hoshea son of Elah became king of Israel in Samaria, and he reigned nine years.  He did evil in the eyes of the Lord, but not like the kings of Israel who preceded him.” – 2 Kings 17:1-2

Hosea is now king of Israel and does evil in the eyes of the Lord, but NOT in the ways of the other kings. This is interesting! What evil did Hosea do? Let’s find out!

“All this took place because the Israelites had sinned against the Lord their God, who had brought them up out of Egypt from under the power of Pharaoh king of Egypt.” – 2 Kings 17:7

Let us never forget this doesn’t happen if God doesn’t first harden the hearts of the Egyptians such that God forces them to do harm against the Israelites.

“The Israelites secretly did things against the Lord their God that were not right. From watchtower to fortified city they built themselves high places in all their towns.” – 2 Kings 17:9

God is so weak that he gets scared when the Israelites build tall things. Their crime right now is building tall things.

“At every high place they burned incense, as the nations whom the Lord had driven out before them had done.” – 2 Kings 17:11

How dare they burn incense to make their homes smell better!??!?!! Blasphemy

“They worshiped idols, though the Lord had said, ‘You shall not do this.’”! – 2 Kings 17:12

If only they had kept slaves instead, as God commanded was okay.

“They sacrificed their sons and daughters in the fire.” – 2 Kings 17:17

Admittedly, this one’s bad! But why not start with this and focus on this crime? Killing your kids should be enough and certainly shouldn’t come after burning candles in the list of punishable crimes.

So the Lord was very angry with Israel and removed them from his presence.” – 2 Kings 17:18

Um…this is not much of a penalty. You aren’t doing anything for them anyway such that you aren’t in their presence now! Once again, God fails to punish appropriately.

“To this day they persist in their former practices. They neither worship the Lord nor adhere to the decrees and regulations, the laws and commands that the Lord gave the descendants of Jacob, whom he named Israel.” – 2 Kings 17:34

This shows the level to which God sucks at convincing people he exists.

“Even while these people were worshiping the Lord, they were serving their idols. To this day their children and grandchildren continue to do as their ancestors did.” – 2 Kings 17:41

Again this shows God sucks at convincing people he exists. It’s almost as if…wait for it…he doesn’t exist!!!

Supposedly Hosea committed evil in a way that no other kings had, but I’m not sure what that was. This chapter says he and his people built idols, but so did others. It says they sacrificed their children, but so did others. They disobeyed God, but so did others. So what exactly did Hosea do differently? We are never told.

Coming Soon: Isaiah – Chapter 13: A Prophecy Against Babylon

2 Kings 16: Ahaz King of Judah

The authors of the Bible found the story of King Ahaz so important they included it twice! Slavery, that’s okay. Hate on women, that’s okay. But King Ahaz? So much more important than condemning slaves and control of women.

“Unlike David his father, he did not do what was right in the eyes of the Lord his God.” – 2 Kings 16:2

At least the Bible is consistent in stating Ahaz did not do what was right in the eyes of God.

“He offered sacrifices and burned incense at the high places, on the hilltops and under every spreading tree.” – 2 Kings 16:4

God has a lot of rules on sacrifices in the Old Testament and demands them at certain times in very specific ways. It would be easy to make a mistake and do a sacrifice in the ‘wrong’ way.

The next several verses are devoted to describing how Ahaz built an altar…then we get this:

“Ahaz rested with his ancestors and was buried with them in the City of David.” – 2 Kings 16:20

The previous chapter makes it clear Ahaz was not buried in the tomb of kings, whereas this chapter does not make it directly clear. Probably nit-picking here, but interesting nonetheless.

And that does it for Ahaz, in a repeat of 2 Chronicles 28.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 17: Hoshea Last King of Israel

2 Kings 13:20-21

Some of my favorite parts of the Bible include zombies. Zombies are always great for Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday!!!

“Elisha died and was buried. Now Moabite raiders used to enter the country every spring.Once while some Israelites were burying a man, suddenly they saw a band of raiders; so they threw the man’s body into Elisha’s tomb. When the body touched Elisha’s bones, the man came to life and stood up on his feet.” – 2 Kings 13:20-21

So Elisha dies and his buried. Another body is tossed in the tomb and when the second corpse touched Elisha’s corpse, Elisha’s body is raided from the dead. SMH. LOL! Where would the Bible be without zombies? Oh yeah, still filled with hate, harm, destruction, death, etc.

2 Kings – Chapter 15: Azariah King of Judah

After a short break to delve into the book of Jonah, we move back to the book of 2 Kings where we continue learning about the rise and fall of kings, regardless if they do good or evil in the eyes of the Lord.

“He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, just as his father Amaziah had done. The high places, however, were not removed; the people continued to offer sacrifices and burn incense there. The Lord afflicted the king with leprosy until the day he died, and he lived in a separate house.” – 2 Kings 15:3-5

This is my point. The king does what is right in the eyes of the Lord, but oh wait, no he didn’t, so God gives him leprosy. A stupid god.

“He (Zechariah) did evil in the eyes of the Lord, as his predecessors had done.” – 2 Kings 15:9

Let’s see what happens to a king that does evil in the eyes of the Lord.

“Shallum son of Jabesh conspired against Zechariah. He attacked him in front of the people, assassinated him and succeeded him as king.” – 2 Kings 15:10

Doing evil gets you killed. But so does doing good. So what is it that keeps you living? Hmmm.

“Then Menahem son of Gadi went from Tirzah up to Samaria. He attacked Shallum son of Jabesh in Samaria, assassinated him and succeeded him as king.” – 2 Kings 15:14

Another violent death.

“At that time Menahem, starting out from Tirzah, attacked Tiphsah and everyone in the city and its vicinity, because they refused to open their gates. He sacked Tiphsah and ripped open all the pregnant women.” – 2 Kings 15:16

The god Christians worship and love allowed pregnant women to be ripped open. Did these women do anything other than lack a penis? Nope!

In the thirty-ninth year of Azariah king of Judah, Menahem son of Gadi became king of Israel, and he reigned in Samaria ten years.  He did evil in the eyes of the Lord. During his entire reign he did not turn away from the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, which he had caused Israel to commit. Then Pul king of Assyria invaded the land, and Menahem gave him a thousand talents[g] of silver to gain his support and strengthen his own hold on the kingdom. Menahem exacted this money from Israel. Every wealthy person had to contribute fifty shekels of silver to be given to the king of Assyria. So the king of Assyria withdrew and stayed in the land no longer.” – 2 Kings 15:17-20

Menahem does evil in the eyes of God, but I can’t see that he was really punished at all!

I’m going to stop here. The chapter continues for another 15-20 verses of more kings doing evil and getting assasinated. The point I’m making in this chapter is God is not consistent in his punishment. Some kings are assassinated, others are not. And a king who was righteous according to God was given leprosy! As I’ve said many times, this is not a god worthy of anyone’s worship.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 26: Uzziah King of Judah

2 Kings – Chapter 14: Amaziah King of Judah

Thus far the book of 2 Kings is filled with death and destruction. I don’t expect anything less in this chapter.

“In the second year of Jehoash son of Jehoahaz king of Israel, Amaziah son of Joash king of Judah began to reign.  He was twenty-five years old when he became king, and he reigned in Jerusalem twenty-nine years. His mother’s name was Jehoaddan; she was from Jerusalem.  He did what was right in the eyes of the Lord, but not as his father David had done. In everything he followed the example of his father Joash.  The high places, however, were not removed; the people continued to offer sacrifices and burn incense there.” – 2 Kings 14:1-4

This is God at his finest. Amaziah does what is right in the eyes of the Lord, but it just isn’t good enough. God has found that one thing not quite perfect.

“Yet he did not put the children of the assassins to death, in accordance with what is written in the Book of the Law of Moses where the Lord commanded: ‘Parents are not to be put to death for their children, nor children put to death for their parents; each will die for their own sin.’” – 2 Kings 14:6

This makes Amaziah more moral than God. Despite the Law of Moses, God has multiple times punished the children of the parents. The first born children in Egypt were all slaughtered at the hands of God!

“But Jehoash king of Israel replied to Amaziah king of Judah: ‘A thistle in Lebanon sent a message to a cedar in Lebanon, ‘Give your daughter to my son in marriage.’ Then a wild beast in Lebanon came along and trampled the thistle underfoot.’’” – 2 Kings 14:9

Um…what the fuck! A thistle gives a message to a cedar and then a wild beast tramples the thistle? Sigh.

“In the fifteenth year of Amaziah son of Joash king of Judah, Jeroboam son of Jehoash king of Israel became king in Samaria, and he reigned forty-one years.  He did evil in the eyes of the Lord and did not turn away from any of the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, which he had caused Israel to commit.” – 2 Kings 14:23-24

Don’t worry if you have done evil in the eyes of the Lord. As we’ve already seen in this chapter, even if you do right in the eyes of the Lord you are punished.

“The Lord had seen how bitterly everyone in Israel, whether slave or free, was suffering; there was no one to help them.” – 2 Kings 14:26

God now finally sees the Israelites are suffering but doesn’t make the connection that he is the one causing the suffering.

To sum up this chapter, it simply does not matter if you do good or evil. God punishes you regardless.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 25: Amaziah King of Judah

2 Kings – Chapter 13: Jehoahaz King of Israel

Killing, killing, killing. That’s the theme thus far in 2 Kings. Let’s see if 2 Kings 13 is any different.

“In the twenty-third year of Joash son of Ahaziah king of Judah, Jehoahaz son of Jehu became king of Israel in Samaria, and he reigned seventeen years. He did evil in the eyes of the Lord by following the sins of Jeroboam son of Nebat, which he had caused Israel to commit, and he did not turn away from them.” – 2 Kings 13:1-2

God’s evil/good coin flips toward evil with this king.

“So the Lord’s anger burned against Israel, and for a long time he kept them under the power of Hazael king of Aram and Ben-Hadad his son.” – 2 Kings 13:3

Instead of punishing the king, God punishes the people. Sigh. Such a stupid god.

“Now Elisha had been suffering from the illness from which he died.” – 2 Kings 13:14

God doesn’t even step in to alleviate the suffering of his prophet!

“Then he said, ‘Take the arrows,’ and the king took them. Elisha told him, ‘Strike the ground.’ He struck it three times and stopped.  The man of God was angry with him and said, ‘You should have struck the ground five or six times; then you would have defeated Aram and completely destroyed it. But now you will defeat it only three times.’ Elisha died and was buried.” – 2 Kings 13:18-20

Um…what a fucked up story. Elisha’s god will only fully protect the army if the arrow is struck five or six times? Three times isn’t good enough? What a fucking petty god.

“Once while some Israelites were burying a man, suddenly they saw a band of raiders; so they threw the man’s body into Elisha’s tomb. When the body touched Elisha’s bones, the man came to life and stood up on his feet.” – 2 Kings 13:21

Zombies! Jesus fucking christ. The Bible expects people of normal intelligence to believe this shit? Unfortunately far too many do.

“Hazael king of Aram died, and Ben-Hadad his son succeeded him as king. Then Jehoash son of Jehoahaz recaptured from Ben-Hadad son of Hazael the towns he had taken in battle from his father Jehoahaz. Three times Jehoash defeated him, and so he recovered the Israelite towns.” – 2 Kings 13:24-25

The chapter ends with more death and battles.

What did we learn in this chapter? Not much we didn’t already know. God flips a coin to determine who is good and who is evil. God punishes those who didn’t do the wrong doing. And more people die, constantly.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 24: Joash Repairs the Temple

2 Kings – Chapter 12: Joash Repairs the Temple

Thus far 2 Kings has brought us a lot of senseless killing, all by the hands of God or under the orders of God. Today we delve into 2 Kings 12.

“Joash did what was right in the eyes of the Lord all the years Jehoiada the priest instructed him.” – 2 Kings 12:2

I’m pretty sure God just flips a coin to determine who is right and wrong in his eyes.

“Joash said to the priests, ‘Collect all the money that is brought as sacred offerings to the temple of the Lord—the money collected in the census, the money received from personal vows and the money brought voluntarily to the temple. Let every priest receive the money from one of the treasurers, then use it to repair whatever damage is found in the temple.’” – 2 Kings 12:4-5

Instead of spending money to help the people, money is collected to repair God’s temple. Sigh.

“But by the twenty-third year of King Joash the priests still had not repaired the temple.” – 2 Kings 12:6

King Joash must be pretty stupid if it took him 23 years to notice the money was not spent on repairing the temple.

“The money from the guilt offerings and sin offerings was not brought into the temple of the Lord; it belonged to the priests.” – 2 Kings 12:16

In other words, the priests were stealing money for their own benefit.

“As for the other events of the reign of Joash, and all he did, are they not written in the book of the annals of the kings of Judah? His officials conspired against him and assassinated him at Beth Millo, on the road down to Silla. The officials who murdered him were Jozabad son of Shimeath and Jehozabad son of Shomer. He died and was buried with his ancestors in the City of David. And Amaziah his son succeeded him as king.” – 2 Kings 12:19-21

Apparently Joash wasn’t doing right in the eyes of God if God allowed him to be murdered.

A typical ending to a chapter in this book. Murder, death, and a new king. Basically the same as all chapter thus far in this book.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 13: Jehoahaz King of Israel

2 Kings – Chapter 11: Athaliah and Joash

In the last chapter God had a champion, Jehu, who did a bunch of killing in the name of God.

“When Athaliah the mother of Ahaziah saw that her son was dead, she proceeded to destroy the whole royal family.” – 2 Kings 11:1

And let more killing begin!

But Jehosheba, the daughter of King Jehoram and sister of Ahaziah, took Joash son of Ahaziah and stole him away from among the royal princes, who were about to be murdered. She put him and his nurse in a bedroom to hide him from Athaliah; so he was not killed.” – 2 Kings 11:2

So one prince survives while the others are all killed. A direct result of God commanding Jehu to kill.

“So they seized her as she reached the place where the horses enter the palace grounds, and there she was put to death.” – 2 Kings 11:16

This refers to the execution of Athaliah. One could argue her death is justified given she killed all but one in the royal family. But she wouldn’t have done the killing had God’s champion, Jehu, not done all of his killing.

That basically does it for this chapter. More killing. God is still getting his jollies off on unnecessary murder.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 12: Joash Repairs the Temple

2 Kings – Chapter 10: Ahab’s Family Killed

The title of today’s chapter tells it all. More people are going to be killed.

“Then Jehu wrote them a second letter, saying, ‘If you are on my side and will obey me, take the heads of your master’s sons and come to me in Jezreel by this time tomorrow.’ Now the royal princes, seventy of them, were with the leading men of the city, who were rearing them. When the letter arrived, these men took the princes and slaughtered all seventy of them. They put their heads in baskets and sent them to Jehu in Jezreel. When the messenger arrived, he told Jehu, ‘They have brought the heads of the princes.’ Then Jehu ordered, ‘Put them in two piles at the entrance of the city gate until morning.’” – 2 Kings 10:6-9

Jesus fucking Christ. God allows 70 sons to be killed. Wow.

“So Jehu killed everyone in Jezreel who remained of the house of Ahab, as well as all his chief men, his close friends and his priests, leaving him no survivor.” – 2 Kings 10:11

Let us not forget Jehu is God’s champion.

“‘Take them alive!’ he ordered. So they took them alive and slaughtered them by the well of Beth Eked—forty-two of them. He left no survivor.” – 2 Kings 10:14

Jehu, God’s champion, does more evil.

“When Jehu came to Samaria, he killed all who were left there of Ahab’s family; he destroyed them, according to the word of the Lord spoken to Elijah.” – 2 Kings 10:17

God’s champion, Jehu, continues his killing spree with the full support of God.

“Then Jehu brought all the people together and said to them, ‘Ahab served Baal a little; Jehu will serve him much. Now summon all the prophets of Baal, all his servants and all his priests. See that no one is missing, because I am going to hold a great sacrifice for Baal. Anyone who fails to come will no longer live.’ But Jehu was acting deceptively in order to destroy the servants of Baal.” – 2 Kings 10:18-19

God’s next step is to have Jehu trick the people into worshipping an idol so he can have Jehu murder them. The god of the Bible is pure evil.

“Now Jehu had posted eighty men outside with this warning: ‘If one of you lets any of the men I am placing in your hands escape, it will be your life for his life.’” – 2 Kings 10:24

Jehu, God’s champion, commands his men to not let one person escape or they themselves will be killed.

“As soon as Jehu had finished making the burnt offering, he ordered the guards and officers: ‘Go in and kill them; let no one escape.’ So they cut them down with the sword. The guards and officers threw the bodies out and then entered the inner shrine of the temple of Baal.” – 2 Kings 10:25

God’s champion, Jehu, kills more people.

“The Lord said to Jehu, ‘Because you have done well in accomplishing what is right in my eyes and have done to the house of Ahab all I had in mind to do, your descendants will sit on the throne of Israel to the fourth generation.’” – 2 Kings 10:30

The evidence God approves of what Jehu has done.

“Jehu rested with his ancestors and was buried in Samaria. And Jehoahaz his son succeeded him as king. The time that Jehu reigned over Israel in Samaria was twenty-eight years.” – 2 Kings 10:35-36

Jehu does good in the eyes of the Lord. God approved of this murder.

Wow! This chapter ranks right up there with the best when it comes to showing the absolute evil of the god of the Bible.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 11: Athaliah and Joash

2 Kings – Chapter 9: Jehu Anointed King of Israel

The last chapter focused on additional kings doing evil in the eyes of God. That evil included one king marrying the wrong woman in God’s eyes, so take ‘evil’ with a grain of salt.

“The prophet Elisha summoned a man from the company of the prophets and said to him, ‘Tuck your cloak into your belt, take this flask of olive oil with you and go to Ramoth Gilead. When you get there, look for Jehu son of Jehoshaphat, the son of Nimshi. Go to him, get him away from his companions and take him into an inner room. Then take the flask and pour the oil on his head and declare, ‘This is what the Lord says: I anoint you king over Israel.’ Then open the door and run; don’t delay!’” – 2 Kings 9:1-3

At this point someone needs to call the police!

“Jehu got up and went into the house. Then the prophet poured the oil on Jehu’s head and declared, ‘This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anoint you king over the Lord’s people Israel. You are to destroy the house of Ahab your master, and I will avenge the blood of my servants the prophets and the blood of all the Lord’s servants shed by Jezebel.’’” – 2 Kings 9:6-7

In Biblical times this is how you made kings. In real times, this is when you get someone some psychiatric care and fast!

“They quickly took their cloaks and spread them under him on the bare steps. Then they blew the trumpet and shouted, ‘Jehu is king!’” – 2 Kings 9:13

The Bible would have you believe this stupid story actually happened.

“Then Jehu drew his bow and shot Joram between the shoulders. The arrow pierced his heart and he slumped down in his chariot.” – 2 Kings 9:24

This is God’s peaceful way of coronating kings.

“He looked up at the window and called out, ‘Who is on my side? Who?’ Two or three eunuchs looked down at him. Throw her down!’ Jehu said. So they threw her down, and some of her blood spattered the wall and the horses as they trampled her underfoot.” – 2 Kings 9:24

It’s right there in the Bible. This killing is how God decided Jehu would become king.

“Jehu went in and ate and drank. ‘Take care of that cursed woman,’ he said, ‘and bury her, for she was a king’s daughter.’ But when they went out to bury her, they found nothing except her skull, her feet and her hands.  They went back and told Jehu, who said, ‘This is the word of the Lord that he spoke through his servant Elijah the Tishbite: On the plot of ground at Jezreel dogs will devour Jezebel’s flesh.  Jezebel’s body will be like dung on the ground in the plot at Jezreel, so that no one will be able to say, ‘This is Jezebel.’’” – 2 Kings 9:34-37

In case you had any doubt about God’s evil bloodlust, the above verses should remove it for good. This is how God made a king. Remember that. God had all of this done. Killing and corpse desecration. It’s God’s way.

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 10: Ahab’s Family Killed