2 Samuel – Chapter 5 – Verses 1 – 10: David Becomes King Over Israel

Today we move back to 2 Samuel.  If you’re new to reading this blog, I’m working on going through each chapter of the Bible in chronological order.  Samuel, Chronicles and Psalms all look at the story of David so there is a constant switching back and forth as we move through the Bible.  According to the chronological guide I am using, today’s chapter includes just the first ten verses.  The remaining verse take place after events discussed in other chapters of the Bible.  Let’s jump right into it.

“In the past, while Saul was king over us, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord said to you, ‘You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.’” – 2 Samuel 5:2

Christians are fond of arguing that God gave us free will to explain why there is still harm in this world.  Verses like this, however, in which God makes the choices, show the Bible says otherwise when it comes to free will.

“David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years.” – 2 Samuel 5:4

Wow!  Forty years of doing God’s dirty work.  Forty years of murder, rape, and killing of innocents.  All in the name of God.

“The king and his men marched to Jerusalem to attack the Jebusites, who lived there.” – 2 Samuel 5:6

Nowhere in the Bible is it stated why the Jebusites are to be attacked.  We are never given an explanation as to why other than it was the will of God.  Like I said.  David is here to do God’s dirty work.

“And he became more and more powerful, because the Lord God Almighty was with him.” – 2 Samuel 5:10

Again, it is fine to argue for free will, but only if you ignore what the Bible says on the matter.  David clearly has no free will.  God guides his every choice.

That concludes the first ten verses of this chapter.  It’s clear David has little choice in the matter as God has chosen him to lead the Israelites.  It’s not the free will of the people in the Bible.  It’s God’s choice.  God commands David to kill in his name and David does so without fighting back.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 11:  David Becomes King Over Israel

2 Samuel – Chapter 4

The bloodlust and murder continued in our last chapter of 2 Samuel and by the title of this chapter, we get another dose of it!  God loves murder and he’s going to make sure you do too!

“When Ish-Bosheth son of Saul heard that Abner had died in Hebron, he lost courage, and all Israel became alarmed.” – 2 Samuel 4:1

And he should!  Although David did not order Abner’s death, David is clearly an unstable person!  Who knows what he could do under God’s guidance?!?!

“(Jonathan son of Saul had a son who was lame in both feet. He was five years old when the news about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she hurried to leave, he fell and became disabled. His name was Mephibosheth.)” – 2 Samuel 4:4

I love that the NIV version of the Bible has this in parenthesis.  So there’s a 5 year old lame in both feet, but now he’s more disabled because his nurse fell while carrying him?  WTF?  Why is this even mentioned?!?!?!

“Now Rekab and Baanah, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, set out for the house of Ish-Bosheth, and they arrived there in the heat of the day while he was taking his noonday rest. 6 They went into the inner part of the house as if to get some wheat, and they stabbed him in the stomach.” – 2 Samuel 4:5-6

By now you’d think people would start wearing some type of armor around their stomachs given the number of stomach stabbing taking place?!?!

“They had gone into the house while he was lying on the bed in his bedroom. After they stabbed and killed him, they cut off his head. Taking it with them, they traveled all night by way of the Arabah. They brought the head of Ish-Bosheth to David at Hebron and said to the king, ‘Here is the head of Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, your enemy, who tried to kill you. This day the Lord has avenged my lord the king against Saul and his offspring.’” – 2 Samuel 4:7-8

Wow!  This is so messed up.  They chopped off his head and carried it around!?!?

“How much more—when wicked men have killed an innocent man in his own house and on his own bed—should I not now demand his blood from your hand and rid the earth of you!” – 2 Samuel 4:11

David is not happy with the be-heading and good for him!

“So David gave an order to his men, and they killed them. They cut off their hands and feet and hung the bodies by the pool in Hebron.” – 2 Samuel 4:12

Unfortunately David carries the crazy even farther!  Yikes!  Cut off their hands and feet and hung them by a pool!  This is so messed up!  The moral in all of this?  God loves you!  J

Wow, was this chapter messed up.  Brutal murder followed by corpse mutilation was the theme.  Biblical moral values for you.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 6:  For the director of music. With stringed instruments. According to sheminith.  A psalm of David.

2 Samuel – Chapter 3: Abner Goes Over to David

The story of David becoming king continues in 2 Samuel 3.

“The war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a long time. David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker.” – 2 Samuel 3:1

And the killing continues while God continues to jerk himself off high up in the clouds.  God gets off on killing.

“Now Saul had had a concubine named Rizpah daughter of Aiah. And Ish-Bosheth said to Abner, ‘Why did you sleep with my father’s concubine?’ Abner was very angry because of what Ish-Bosheth said. So he answered, ‘Am I a dog’s head—on Judah’s side? This very day I am loyal to the house of your father Saul and to his family and friends. I haven’t handed you over to David. Yet now you accuse me of an offense involving this woman! May God deal with Abner, be it ever so severely, if I do not do for David what the Lord promised him on oath and transfer the kingdom from the house of Saul and establish David’s throne over Israel and Judah from Dan to Beersheba.’ Ish-Bosheth did not dare to say another word to Abner, because he was afraid of him.” – 2 Samuel 3:7-11

An odd exchange to say the least.  There’s actually no need to include a concubine in this exchange.  It’s almost as if the Bible wants to continue to throw jabs at women.  It’s okay for men to have concubines and sleep with women, but wrong for women to do the same.

“Then David sent messengers to Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, demanding, ‘Give me my wife Michal, whom I betrothed to myself for the price of a hundred Philistine foreskins.’” – 2 Samuel 3:14

Every women falls over in love when she is sold for 100 foreskins.

“So Ish-Bosheth gave orders and had her taken away from her husband Paltiel son of Laish.” – 2 Samuel 3:15

Traditional biblical marriage.  Stolen from your husband and forced to wed another man.  Nice one God.  So moral of you.

“Now when Abner returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside into an inner chamber, as if to speak with him privately. And there, to avenge the blood of his brother Asahel, Joab stabbed him in the stomach, and he died.” – 2 Samuel 3:27

More death.  More blood.  An all-knowing God could easily have solved this problem with less murder and less blood.

“Later, when David heard about this, he said, ‘I and my kingdom are forever innocent before the Lord concerning the blood of Abner son of Ner. May his blood fall on the head of Joab and on his whole family! May Joab’s family never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.’” – 2 Samuel 3:28-29

Let’s start with the good.  David calling out Joab is good.  Joab clearly did not have David’s blessing to kill Abner.  However, why is Joab’s family being punished for deeds they did not commit?  This is once again a problem of punishing those who are innocent.  An all-knowing god should know this!!!

“but David took an oath, saying, “May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I taste bread or anything else before the sun sets!” – 2 Samuel 3:35

Because that makes sense.  SMH!

“All the people took note and were pleased; indeed, everything the king did pleased them. So on that day all the people there and all Israel knew that the king had no part in the murder of Abner son of Ner.” – 2 Samuel 3:36-37

The Israelites are pleased that David isn’t eating?  Because he’s not eating his not part of Abner’s murder?  WTF?  These people lack all ability to think critically!

“May the Lord repay the evildoer according to his evil deeds!” – 2 Samuel 3:39

If only God were to apply David’s request above to himself!  The biggest evildoer of them all is God!!!

That concludes 2 Samuel 3.  Quite a few interesting things discussed, including foreskins and stealing a woman from her husband to be forced into a marriage to another man.  You know, because traditional biblical marriage is the only way to go!  David gets one thing right in condemning Abner’s murder, but then botches it one verse later by punishing innocents in Joab’s family instead of just Joab himself.  Then again, punishing Joab would be no fun unless you also get to punish his innocent children!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 4:  Ish-Bosheth Murdered

2 Samuel – Chapter 2: David Anointed King Over Judah

David now knows Saul is officially dead and is soon to be anointed king.  Let’s jump right into 2 Samuel 2.

“So David went up thither, and his two wives also, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail Nabal’s wife the Carmelite.” – 2 Samuel 2:2

The classic example of “traditional marriage”.  Two wives are okay!!!

“Ish-Bosheth son of Saul was forty years old when he became king over Israel, and he reigned two years. The tribe of Judah, however, remained loyal to David. The length of time David was king in Hebron over Judah was seven years and six months.” – 2 Samuel 2:10-11

It’s important to note that David did not immediately become king of Israel.  It took some time.

“Then Abner said to Joab, ‘Let’s have some of the young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us.’” – 2 Samuel 2:14

Abner is the spokesperson for Is-Bosheth and Joab is the spokesperson for David.  To me this is another of many what the fuck moments in the Bible.  Let’s have some young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us?  Seriously?

“Then each man grabbed his opponent by the head and thrust his dagger into his opponent’s side, and they fell down together.” – 2 Samuel 2:16

ROFL!!!  For crying out loud!  They all stand up and just shove a dagger into each other at the same time and fall down?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

“The battle that day was very fierce, and Abner and the Israelites were defeated by David’s men.” – 2 Samuel 2:17

Apparently after the shoving of knives into sides ceremony there was a battle.  Just wanted to make that clear to everyone.  🙂

“The three sons of Zeruiah were there: Joab, Abishai and Asahel. Now Asahel was as fleet-footed as a wild gazelle. He chased Abner, turning neither to the right nor to the left as he pursued him. Abner looked behind him and asked, ‘Is that you, Asahel?’ ‘It is,’ he answered. Then Abner said to him, ‘Turn aside to the right or to the left; take on one of the young men and strip him of his weapons.’ But Asahel would not stop chasing him. Again Abner warned Asahel, ‘Stop chasing me! Why should I strike you down? How could I look your brother Joab in the face?’ But Asahel refused to give up the pursuit; so Abner thrust the butt of his spear into Asahel’s stomach, and the spear came out through his back. He fell there and died on the spot. And every man stopped when he came to the place where Asahel had fallen and died.” – 2 Samuel 2:17-23

This story is insane.  Two people running after each other and then all of a sudden one turns and stabs a spear that the Bible makes very clear goes out the person’s back.  Bloodlust much?

“Abner called out to Joab, ‘Must the sword devour forever? Don’t you realize that this will end in bitterness? How long before you order your men to stop pursuing their fellow Israelites?’ Joab answered, ‘As surely as God lives, if you had not spoken, the men would have continued pursuing them until morning.’ So Joab blew the trumpet, and all the troops came to a halt; they no longer pursued Israel, nor did they fight anymore.” – 2 Samuel 2:26-28

This is completely nonsensical.  That’s all it took for Joab to stop his army?  If that’s the case, what was the purpose of the battle in the first place.

“But David’s men had killed three hundred and sixty Benjamites who were with Abner.” – 2 Samuel 2:31

Wow!  David’s men kill over 3,000 men, making the story even more insane.  Thousands of men were killed in a battle that was stopped by someone simply saying please stop chasing me and the chasing side saying okay.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

2 Samuel 2 is excellent evidence of how nonsensical the Bible is and how it should NEVER be used as a guide of morality.  Two sides are warring and more people are dying.  Why are they warring?  Hard to tell.  If there was a real, legitimate reason for the war, the war would not have stopped simply because one side said please stop chasing us.  It is clear this war was unjustified.  And where is God?  Up in the clouds jerking off while he watches the bloodshed.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 3:  Abner Goes Over to David

2 Samuel – Chapter 1: David Hears of Saul’s Death

I have to admit being a bit excited each time I start a new book.  Typically the previous book was getting old so I’m always looking forward to the next book, although the pattern of death, destruction, blood, killing of innocents, and misogyny continues.  Maybe that’s why I’m dragging when I near the end of a book.  2 Samuel isn’t really a new book (technically it is) since it’s simply continuation of 1 Samuel.  2 Samuel begins with David learning of Saul’s death.

“Then David said to the young man who brought him the report, ‘How do you know that Saul and his son Jonathan are dead?’” – 2 Samuel 1:5

A rare moment of critical thinking on David’s part.  Too bad there’s not more.

“So I stood beside him and killed him (Saul), because I knew that after he had fallen he could not survive. And I took the crown that was on his head and the band on his arm and have brought them here to my lord.” – 2 Samuel 1:10

Except that’s not what happened.  The last chapter of 1 Samuel tells us Saul killed himself.
“David said to the young man who brought him the report, ‘Where are you from?’ ‘I am the son of a foreigner, an Amalekite,’ he answered. David asked him, ‘Why weren’t you afraid to lift your hand to destroy the Lord’s anointed?’ Then David called one of his men and said, ‘Go, strike him down!’ So he struck him down, and he died. For David had said to him, ‘Your blood be on your own head. Your own mouth testified against you when you said, ‘I killed the Lord’s anointed.’” – 2 Samuel 1:13-16

What the fuck?!?! Yes, this man lied to David on what happened.  However, the man WAS afraid to kill Saul and didn’t.  If God is all knowing than God knows this!!!  Yet God allows David and his men to kill the messenger.  Again.  What…the…fuck!?!?!?!  David next gives a lament to Saul and Jonathan (Saul’s son).

“Tell it not in Gath, proclaim it not in the streets of Ashkelon, lest the daughters of the Philistines be glad, lest the daughters of the uncircumcised rejoice.” – 2 Samuel 1:20

Once again, women are always at felt according to the Bible.

“Saul and Jonathan—in life they were loved and admired, and in death they were not parted.” – 2 Samuel 1:23

Saul was controlled by God and killed many people.  He wasn’t loved nor admired.  Maybe by those doing the killing, but those who were innocent certainly did not love Saul.

An interesting start to the book of 2 Samuel.  I find the story of David having his men kill the messenger of Saul’s death extremely disturbing.  Yes, the man lied, but he was actually killed for claiming to not kill someone else!!!  As I said above, if God is all-knowing, God knew the man was afraid to kill Saul, yet God still allows David to have the man killed.  A just god?  Nope.  An asshole god?  Yep!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 2:  David Anointed King Over Judah

2 Samuel 12:13-14

Oh how I love Tuesdays for they are crazy Bible verse days!  Today’s crazy Bible verse comes from 2 Samuel.

“Then David said to Nathan, ‘I have sinned against the Lord.’ Nathan replied, ‘The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die.  But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.’” – 2 Samuel 12:13-14

David admits to sinning, but Nathan, the prophet of God, declares that David will not die as a result of this sin, but his son will die.  This is what I do not understand about the God of the Bible.  God punishes the wrong person so many times.  Yes, the death of a child is devastating and I understand that in a way it is a punishment, but is this the best punishment God can come up with for David.  David continues to live, but the son is no longer alive.  Who is being punished the most?  David, the sinner, or his son, who did not commit the sin(s) in question?  Surely there is another punishment God can offer David.  Too often in the Bible the ones not committing the sin are killed as a punishment for those committing the sin.

Apply this to today’s society to gain a better understanding of how horrible God is.  Let’s say my father robs a bank.  Instead of him going to prison or being shot by the cops, it’s me, who had nothing to do with the robbing and quite possible wasn’t even in the same town!  Will my father suffer as a result of my death?  Sure, but did I deserve to die because of my father’s sin?  God says I do.