2 Samuel – Chapter 21: The Gibeonites Avenged

Sheba, the troublemaker, is now dead and peace reigns among the Israelites.  The end.  Unfortunately no.  The Bible continues on for many, many more chapters and peace is nowhere to be found.  Sigh.

“During the reign of David, there was a famine for three successive years; so David sought the face of the Lord. The Lord said, ‘It is on account of Saul and his blood-stained house; it is because he put the Gibeonites to death.’” – 2 Samuel 21:1

This is example #198,914,715 why the God of the Bible is the most evil character in the Bible.  The Israelites have three years of famine due to the actions of a dead man?  For fuck’s sake.

“They answered the king, ‘As for the man who destroyed us and plotted against us so that we have been decimated and have no place anywhere in Israel, let seven of his male descendants be given to us to be killed and their bodies exposed before the Lord at Gibeah of Saul—the Lord’s chosen one.’” – 2 Samuel 21:5-6

This is the solution???  Kill seven male descendants?  How does killing Saul’s descendants do anything?  And God accepts this?  Example #198,914,716 God is evil.

“Rizpah daughter of Aiah took sackcloth and spread it out for herself on a rock. From the beginning of the harvest till the rain poured down from the heavens on the bodies, she did not let the birds touch them by day or the wild animals by night.” – 2 Samuel 21:10

Yes, because God can’t stand rotting corpses picked apart by birds.  God likes his rotting corpses in pristine condition!

“They buried the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan in the tomb of Saul’s father Kish, at Zela in Benjamin, and did everything the king commanded. After that, God answered prayer in behalf of the land.” – 2 Samuel 21:14

It is unbelievable that this is what it took to satisfy this god and bring rain.  For fuck’s sake.

“Once again there was a battle between the Philistines and Israel.” – 2 Samuel 21:15

Seven men were killed for no reason and God still brings war to the land.  Fuck you God.

After this there are several more verses on specific battles.  The point here is that an awful thing was done to appease God and yet peace is still elusive.  This god wants blood.  This evil god wants death and destruction.  You can do whatever God asks, but this god will still do immense harm to you and your loved ones.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 5:  For the director of music. For pipes. A psalm of David.

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2 Samuel – Chapter 20: Sheba Rebels Against David

David is back in Jerusalem.  The end.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  The Bible has many more chapters, meaning peace did not rule the land after David’s return.  Sigh.

“Now a troublemaker named Sheba son of Bikri, a Benjamite, happened to be there” – 2 Samuel 20:1

Oohhh….a troublemaker!  I’m not sure why I find this word so funny.  It’s probably due to all the rape and murder in this book, that the word ‘troublemaker’ just seems out of place!

“So all the men of Israel deserted David to follow Sheba son of Bikri. But the men of Judah stayed by their king all the way from the Jordan to Jerusalem.” – 2 Samuel 20:2

LOL!  Poor David just can’t keep his people following him faithfully.

“When David returned to his palace in Jerusalem, he took the ten concubines he had left to take care of the palace and put them in a house under guard. He provided for them but had no sexual relations with them. They were kept in confinement till the day of their death, living as widows.” – 2 Samule 20:3

WTF?!?!?  What does this have to do with people leaving David in favor of Sheba?  What the fuck did the concubines do???

“Joab said to Amasa, ‘How are you, my brother?’ Then Joab took Amasa by the beard with his right hand to kiss him. Amasa was not on his guard against the dagger in Joab’s hand, and Joab plunged it into his belly, and his intestines spilled out on the ground. Without being stabbed again, Amasa died. Then Joab and his brother Abishai pursued Sheba son of Bikri.” – 2 Samuel 20:9-10

WTF?!?!?  So you can thrust three javelins directly into someone’s heart and not kill them (from a previous chapter), but a dagger to someone’s side is instant death?  The authors of the Bible clearly have no understanding of how the human body and death work.  I don’t doubt the dagger stab was deadly, but instant death as described here?  No way.

“Then the woman went to all the people with her wise advice, and they cut off the head of Sheba son of Bikri and threw it to Joab. So he sounded the trumpet, and his men dispersed from the city, each returning to his home. And Joab went back to the king in Jerusalem.” – 2 Samuel 20:22

LOL!  It’s the Bible so of course a head was cut off and thrown over the wall.  Great scenes for a movie!

That does it for this chapter.  David is back in charge, but the bloodshed continues.  Sheba, that troublemaker (LOL!), has his head cut off and thrown over the wall.  The Bible.  The bloodiest book of them all.  But all about love, right?  😊

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 21:  The Gibeonites Avenged

2 Samuel – Chapter 19: David Returns to Jerusalem

Thank the make believe god of the Bible we have moved out of Psalms for the time being.  Psalms is a very repetitive book in which the 100+ chapters could easily be reduced to one chapter that says:

“God is great.  Don’t fuck with God.  God helps the poor and needy.  Don’t fuck with God.”

One chapter, one verse and Psalms is done!  Then again, the authors of the Bible didn’t have Netflix in their time, so they had nothing better to do but repeat the same damn thing over and over again.  Enough with Psalms for now.  Today we look back in 2 Samuel with the return of David to Jerusalem.

“Joab was told, ‘The king is weeping and mourning for Absalom.’” – 2 Samuel 19:1

It makes sense that David mourns for Absalom.  Absalom was his son and despite the crimes by Absalom one should not knock David for mourning.  Even parents of mass murderers will weep for their children.

“Then Joab went into the house to the king and said, ‘Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters and the lives of your wives and concubines.’” – 2 Samuel 19:5

Joab is holding nothing back from David.  Although I point to the last few words of this verse that once again point out multiple wives and concubines.  Traditional marriage?  Puh-lease!

“Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall. This will be worse for you than all the calamities that have come on you from your youth till now.” – 2 Samuel 19:7

More from Joab.  He’s holding nothing back.  He’s basically saying to David to get off your ass and lead your men.

“And say to Amasa, ‘Are you not my own flesh and blood? May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if you are not the commander of my army for life in place of Joab.’” – 2 Samuel 19:13

I highly doubt this god, the god who allows and often promotes rape and murder, is going to deal with anyone in any just way.

“David replied, ‘What does this have to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? What right do you have to interfere? Should anyone be put to death in Israel today? Don’t I know that today I am king over Israel?’ So the king said to Shimei, ‘You shall not die.’ And the king promised him on oath.” – 2 Samuel 19:22-23

How nice of David not to kill.  Too bad that doesn’t apply to all the other people David intends to take over for his own gain.  Too bad this niceness doesn’t apply to the multiple wives and concubines he rapes or the women his men rape as war spoils.

“Now Barzillai was very old, eighty years of age.” – 2 Samuel 19:32

Eight years old is considered very old, especially for this time period that lacked modern medicine.  It’s a stark contrast to the very old of several centuries we saw in Genesis.

“Then the men of Israel answered the men of Judah, ‘We have ten shares in the king; so we have a greater claim on David than you have. Why then do you treat us with contempt? Weren’t we the first to speak of bringing back our king?’” – 2 Samuel 19:43

For fuck’s sake.  Now the tribes are arguing over who is the better tribe to hang with David.  Seriously?

This concludes 2 Samuel 19.  Absalom is dead and David has returned to Jerusalem to lead all of the tribes.  Let the blood killing begin again!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 20:  Sheba Rebels Against David

2 Samuel – Chapter 18: Absalom’s Death

Today’s chapter continues the story of Absalom that started a few chapters ago.  How will Absalom die?  Let’s find out.

“The king told the troops, ‘I myself will surely march out with you.’ But the men said, ‘You must not go out; if we are forced to flee, they won’t care about us. Even if half of us die, they won’t care; but you are worth ten thousand of us. It would be better now for you to give us support from the city.’ The king answered, ‘I will do whatever seems best to you.’” – 2 Samuel 18:2-4

David plans to go out with his men in battle but the men say no.

“The king commanded Joab, Abishai and Ittai, “Be gentle with the young man Absalom for my sake.” – 2 Samuel 18:5

Abaslom is David’s son.  It sounds as if David may have mercy on Absalom.

“There Israel’s troops were routed by David’s men, and the casualties that day were great—twenty thousand men.” – 2 Samuel 18:7

More needless slaughter in the Bible.  It all started with God hardening the Egyptians hearts and it hasn’t stopped.

“Now Absalom happened to meet David’s men. He was riding his mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches of a large oak, Absalom’s hair got caught in the tree. He was left hanging in midair, while the mule he was riding kept on going.” – 2 Samuel 18:9

Seriously?  Hair caught in a tree and Absalom left hanging in midair?  This is why the Bible is so unbelievable.  The stories are ridiculous.

“Joab said, ‘I’m not going to wait like this for you.’ So he took three javelins in his hand and plunged them into Absalom’s heart while Absalom was still alive in the oak tree. And ten of Joab’s armor-bearers surrounded Absalom, struck him and killed him.” – 2 Samuel 18:14-15

This makes no sense.  If Joab plunged three (three!) javelins into Absalom’s heart, he wouldn’t be left alive.  Either Joab missed the heart or Joab never stabbed Absalom.  It wouldn’t take another ten men to kill a hanging, defense-less Absalom.

“The king asked the Cushite, ‘Is the young man Absalom safe?’ The Cushite replied, ‘May the enemies of my lord the king and all who rise up to harm you be like that young man.’” – 2 Samuel 18:32

This Cushite has the skills of a great politician.  A fantastic non-answer to the question of whether Absalom is safe.  David, however, seems to understand this to mean Absalom is dead and begins to grieve.

Thus, ends the story of Absalom, the son of David, who waited two years to do anything about his sister’s rape, and when he finally did do something he took justice into his own hands instead of going through proper channels.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 26:  Of David.

2 Samuel – Chapter 17: Untitled

This chapter, 2 Samuel 17, continues the story of Ahithophel giving ‘advice’ to Absalom.

“Ahithophel said to Absalom, ‘I would choose twelve thousand men and set out tonight in pursuit of David. I would attack him while he is weary and weak. I would strike him with terror, and then all the people with him will flee. I would strike down only the king and bring all the people back to you. The death of the man you seek will mean the return of all; all the people will be unharmed.’” – 2 Samuel 17:1-3

Maybe God should come in and stop this nonsense.  Oh wait, God only comes in to the picture when it’s time to kill people, regardless of innocence.

“Hushai replied to Absalom, ‘The advice Ahithophel has given is not good this time.’” – 2 Samuel 17:7

Hushai is the voice of reason in this story.

“You know your father and his men; they are fighters, and as fierce as a wild bear robbed of her cubs.” – 2 Samuel 17:8

Not to mention the father, David, is a stone cold killer.

“So I advise you: Let all Israel, from Dan to Beersheba—as numerous as the sand on the seashore—be gathered to you, with you yourself leading them into battle. Then we will attack him wherever he may be found, and we will fall on him as dew settles on the ground. Neither he nor any of his men will be left alive. If he withdraws into a city, then all Israel will bring ropes to that city, and we will drag it down to the valley until not so much as a pebble is left.” – 2 Samuel 17:11-13

Well, maybe Hushai isn’t the voice of reason since he is now advising war.

“Absalom and all the men of Israel said, ‘The advice of Hushai the Arkite is better than that of Ahithophel.’” – 2 Samuel 17:14

If the goal is to kill David, then yes, war is better advice than sleeping with David’s concubines.

“For the Lord had determined to frustrate the good advice of Ahithophel in order to bring disaster on Absalom.” – 2 Samuel 17:14

Is the Bible seriously giving credit to God for the Israelites deciding war was a better method than concubine sex to killing David?

“When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb.” – 2 Samuel 17:23

Your advice to killing David was to sleep with his concubines.  What did you think was going to happen?

This chapter ends with a section titled “Absalom’s Death” but the actual death takes place in the next chapter.  We’ll have to wait until next time to see what happens.  This chapter was complete nonsense.  Was a full chapter of the Bible devoted to deciding whose advice is better when one option was sleeping with concubines?  Yes, a full chapter was indeed devoted to this!  Got to love those biblical morals.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 18:  Absalom’s Death

2 Samuel – Chapter 16: David and Ziba

After several chapters in Psalms, we now move back to the book of 2 Samuel.  In our last look in this chapter, a brother raped a sister and God sat by and did nothing to stop it.

“When David had gone a short distance beyond the summit, there was Ziba, the steward of Mephibosheth, waiting to meet him.” 2 Samuel 16:1

The first verse sets the context of the story.

“Then the king (David) said to Ziba, ‘All that belonged to Mephibosheth is now yours.’” – 2 Samuel 16:4

Um.  Okay.  Sure?

“As King David approached Bahurim, a man from the same clan as Saul’s family came out from there. His name was Shimei son of Gera, and he cursed as he came out.” – 2 Samuel 16:5

Understandable given God took over Saul’s body and forced Saul to commit crimes against others.  This was all part of God’s plan to plant David as the leader of the Israelites.  The big question is why God didn’t do this is a peaceful way.  Wouldn’t an all-knowing and all-loving god want peace?

“As he cursed, Shimei said, ‘Get out, get out, you murderer, you scoundrel! The Lord has repaid you for all the blood you shed in the household of Saul, in whose place you have reigned. The Lord has given the kingdom into the hands of your son Absalom. You have come to ruin because you are a murderer!’” – 2 Samuel 16:7-8

Finally someone calls out David as a murderer.

“It may be that the Lord will look upon my misery and restore to me his covenant blessing instead of his curse today.” – 2 Samuel 16:12

What misery is David referring to?  God has made him leader of the Israelites.  To be fair, God unjustly had David’s wives raped and his son killed.

“Ahithophel answered, ‘Sleep with your father’s concubines whom he left to take care of the palace. Then all Israel will hear that you have made yourself obnoxious to your father, and the hands of everyone with you will be more resolute.’” – 2 Samuel 16:21

This is the advice Athithophel gave Absalom.  Absalom is the brother of Annon, the one who raped his own sister.  Abaslom waited two years to do anything to Annon and then killed him.  Back to the advice.  Sleep with David’s concubines so you can be obnoxious?  Only in the Bible!

“So they pitched a tent for Absalom on the roof, and he slept with his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel.” – 2 Samuel 16:22

David has a lot of concubines.  Surely Abaslom did not sleep with all of them in one night.  How many nights did it take?

“Now in those days the advice Ahithophel gave was like that of one who inquires of God. That was how both David and Absalom regarded all of Ahithophel’s advice.” – 2 Samuel 16:23

Seriously?  The advice of sleeping with concubines, just to be obnoxious, is the advice of someone who inquires of God?  You must be kidding me!

This chapter is more evidence of the immorality of the Bible.  Advice to sleep with concubines just to be obnoxious?  Wow!  I’ve said it before many times and I’ll say it again many times.  Reading the Bible from cover to cover is the quickest path from Christianity to Atheism.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 17:  Untitled

2 Samuel – Chapter 15: Absalom’s Conspiracy

The story of Absalom, who reunited with David in the previous chapter, continues in 2 Samuel 15.

“And Absalom would add, ‘If only I were appointed judge in the land! Then everyone who has a complaint or case could come to me and I would see that they receive justice.’” – 2 Samuel 15:4

Absalom begins to connive to elevate himself among David’s people.

“Absalom behaved in this way toward all the Israelites who came to the king asking for justice, and so he stole the hearts of the people of Israel.” – 2 Samuel 15:6

Yep, we all know someone like this.  😊

“Then Absalom sent secret messengers throughout the tribes of Israel to say, ‘As soon as you hear the sound of the trumpets, then say, ‘Absalom is king in Hebron.’” – 2 Samuel 15:10

Ruh-roh!  Not what David intended!

“And so the conspiracy gained strength, and Absalom’s following kept on increasing.” – 2 Samuel 15:12

Everyone loves a good conspiracy, right?

“Then David said to all his officials who were with him in Jerusalem, ‘Come! We must flee, or none of us will escape from Absalom. We must leave immediately, or he will move quickly to overtake us and bring ruin on us and put the city to the sword.’” – 2 Samuel 15:14

I didn’t mention the verse, but it is stated in this chapter Absalom only has 200 men with him.  Why is David afraid and fleeing?  Surely David has more than 200 men on his side.

“The king set out, with his entire household following him; but he left ten concubines to take care of the palace.” – 2 Samuel 15:16

Yep, leave the concubines to take care of the house.  Sigh.  And here’s another sigh for the simple fact David has, and God allows David to have, concubines.  Sigh.

“Then the king said to Zadok, ‘Take the ark of God back into the city. If I find favor in the Lord’s eyes, he will bring me back and let me see it and his dwelling place again.’” – 2 Samuel 15:25

This is quite the overreaction to Absalom leaving with 200 men.  Is there really the need to flee and beg to God?

“So Hushai, David’s confidant, arrived at Jerusalem as Absalom was entering the city.” – 2 Samuel 15:37

I just don’t get this chapter.  Sure, Absalom connives to gain power and claims himself king.  Sure, he has the support of many of the Israelites.  Despite this, he only has 200 fighting men, far less than David.  Yet David immediately packs up and flees and allows Absalom to walk in and take Jerusalem without a fight.  This makes no sense!  God loves war and bloodlust!  The evidence in the Bible thus far tells us God will support David in his slaughter of Absalom.  Again, why is David so afraid?

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 3:  A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.