2 Samuel 12:24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and Today’s verse is on the topic of sex.

“Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon.” – 2 Samuel 12:24

At first glance there is nothing wrong with this verse. Set aside the fact David had multiple wives and concubines, it is perfectly normal for a husband and wife to have sex and become pregnant. The difference here is the context. This is immediately after their son is killed. David has sex with his wife to comfort her over her dead son. For fuck’s sake. Making a baby isn’t the same as picking out the next dog when yours dies. Biblical romance. 🙂

2 Samuel 12:30

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today is one of those crazy verses that would have been so easy to fix had the authors just taken a moment to proofread. Instead, it makes what is already a ridiculous book even more ridiculous.

“David took the crown from their king’s head, and it was placed on his own head. It weighed a talent of gold, and it was set with precious stones.” – 2 Samuel 12:30

A talent is about 75 pounds. Think about that for second and image placing 75 pounds on your head. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, but it isn’t anywhere near comfortable or easy and just comes across as plain stupid. Why not say the crown weighed 10 pounds. That’s already a heavy weight to place on one’s head, but at least it is more believable.

2 Samuel 14:25-26

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday was found by taking a look at the Skeptic’s Annotated Bible section on ‘Science’.

“In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard.” – 2 Samuel 14:25-26

How heavy is 200 shekels?  Turns out it is equivalent to 5 pounds.  That’s a lot of added weight on your head!  A human head weighs 10 pounds, so supposedly this man had an additional 50% weight permanently added to his head.  Guess what?  This didn’t happen.  He’d have extreme trouble holding up his head and have severe neck/muscle pain.  For comparison’s sake, a full head of long hair will weigh about a half of a pound.

Once again, the Bible fails at the truth.  You can have a lot of hair on your head that weighs well under a pound.  There’s no need to exaggerate to ridiculous levels and say there was a head of hair weighing 5 pounds.  Sheesh.

Review of 2 Samuel

In the last post, two days ago, I discussed the last chapter of 2 Samuel.  Before moving on to the next chapter, 1 Chronicles 21, let me do a quick recap of 2 Samuel.  2 Samuel was the story (to be clear, fictional) of David becoming King of the Israelites.  David is God’s chosen lackey and is not a very kind ruler.  David commits adultery, impregnates the woman, and then kills the woman’s husband.  What does God do?  Nothing!  Later God kills David’s young son which is beyond ridiculous.  David is the one who committed adultery, not the young child.   The young child was innocent, yet God is known for punishing the innocent.

In addition to this crazy story, we also see another of David’s sons rebelling and fighting against his father for control of the land.  Many people were killed and eventually David regains control of the land and the people.  Where was God?  Doing nothing to negotiate peace, that’s for sure.  Even in the last chapter we see God punishing the people by offering them their choice of severe punishment.

To sum it up in just a few key words, 2 Samuel was all about rape, murder, destruction, and bloodshed.  During all of this we switched back and forth to Psalms and ‘learned’ how great and forgiving and just God is to his people.  Um…tell that to those who were raped and brutally murdered and their families.  This is not a forgiving god and this is not a just god.  The god of 2 Samuel is far different than the god of Psalms.  In 2 Samuel we see the actual actions of the god of the Bible while in Psalms we see David’s version of this awful god.  David’s version apologizes/lies/changes the true god of the Bible.  The true god of the Bible is evil and immoral.  2 Samuel is VERY clear on this.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 21:  David Counts the Fighting Men

2 Samuel – Chapter 24: David Enrolls the Fighting Men

After spending the last few chapters in Psalms, today we move back to finish the last chapter of 2 Samuel.

“Again the anger of the Lord burned against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, ‘Go and take a census of Israel and Judah.’” – 2 Samuel 24:1

God:  I’m angry, go count the people.  David:  Um…okay.

“So the king said to Joab and the army commanders with him, ‘Go throughout the tribes of Israel from Dan to Beersheba and enroll the fighting men, so that I may know how many there are.’” – 2 Samuel 24:2

Now we see the truth.  God just wants to know how many people he can get to fight since he is always filled with bloodlust.  Peace is never an option for this horrible god.

“Joab reported the number of the fighting men to the king: In Israel there were eight hundred thousand able-bodied men who could handle a sword, and in Judah five hundred thousand.” – 2 Samuel 24:9

That’s a lot of blood God is ready to spill.

“Go and tell David, ‘This is what the Lord says: I am giving you three options. Choose one of them for me to carry out against you.’ So Gad went to David and said to him, ‘Shall there come on you three years of famine in your land? Or three months of fleeing from your enemies while they pursue you? Or three days of plague in your land? Now then, think it over and decide how I should answer the one who sent me.’” – 2 Samuel 24:12-13

Fuck you God.  We were told in Psalms God rules with equity and is very forgiving.  Apparently God’s definition of forgiving is to provide the Israelites three options in which each severely punishes them.  Do you wish to die of starvation, people whose hearts I hardened, or an intense plague?  Fuck you God.

“So the Lord sent a plague on Israel from that morning until the end of the time designated, and seventy thousand of the people from Dan to Beersheba died.” – 2 Samuel 24:15

Fuck you God.  You’re not forgiving.  You’re an asshole who simply exists in the Bible to randomly kill people to satisfy your bloodlust.  A book of morals?  Fuck that.

“’To buy your threshing floor,’ David answered, ‘so I can build an altar to the Lord, that the plague on the people may be stopped.’” – 2 Samuel 24:21

God demands a fucking altar be built to stop the plague?  Think about this for a minute.  This is the God Christians worship and this is the book they call a book of morals.  God just killed 70,000 people while waiting for an altar to be built.  A book of morals my ass.

“David built an altar to the Lord there and sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings. Then the Lord answered his prayer in behalf of the land, and the plague on Israel was stopped.” – 2 Samuel 24:25

For fuck’s sake.

What an awful, horrible chapter that illustrates very clearly this is NOT a god to be worshipped.  This god is the true definition of evil in the world.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 21:  David Counts the Fighting Men

2 Samuel – Chapter 23: David’s Last Words

David’s last words.  The title makes this chapter sound so ominous!

“These are the last words of David:” – 2 Samuel 23:1

Wow, these really are going to be the last words of David!

“When one rules over people in righteousness, when he rules in the fear of God, he is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth.” – 2 Samuel 23:3-4

If you rule in fear of God as your justification to rape and murder, you are a rapist and a murderer.  Very simple.  David has a few other last words, but this verse pretty much sums it up.  David followed God.  God demanded murder.  David murdered in the name of God.  God is a murderer.  Therefore, David is a murderer and an evil human being.

“These are the names of David’s mighty warriors: Josheb-Basshebeth, a Tahkemonite, was chief of the Three; he raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter.” – 2 Samuel 23:8

One man kills 800 men with just one spear?  Nope.  Never happened.

“Abishai the brother of Joab son of Zeruiah was chief of the Three. He raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed, and so he became as famous as the Three.” – 2 Samuel 23:18

Only 300 men?  That’s weak sauce!  The dude a few verses earlier killed 800 men!  That’s the true definition of a manly man!

“Although the Egyptian had a spear in his hand, Benaiah went against him with a club. He snatched the spear from the Egyptian’s hand and killed him with his own spear.” – 2 Samuel 23:21

Ah snap!  This dude stopped a spear with a club and then used the other dude’s spear to kill said dude.  God’s definition of a manly man!

This is basically how this chapter ends.  There are a several more verses on who the different warriors are, but this chapter is basically a few words about fearing God, followed by a list of all the great accomplishments of killing men that took place.  A book of morals?  If so, this chapter says it is moral to kill and the more men you kill, the more moral you are.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 57:  For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam. When he had fled from Saul into the cave.

2 Samuel – Chapter 22: David’s Song of Praise

After a few chapters in Psalms, we move back to 2 Samuel today.  This is the third to last chapter in 2 Samuel and reads much like a chapter in Psalms, with David praising God through song.

“He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—from violent people you save me.” – 2 Samuel 22:3

Were these ‘violent people’ really violent or just different than you?  And are you really one to talk about violent people?  You, David, the one who has killed many and chopped off hundreds of foreskins.

“The earth trembled and quaked, the foundations of the heavens shook; they trembled because he was angry.” – 2 Samuel 22:8

Or there was an earthquake.

“Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it.” – 2 Samuel 22:9

This is a campfire viewed when high.

“Out of the brightness of his presence bolts of lightning blazed forth.” – 2 Samuel 22:13

It’s called a thunderstorm.

“The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.” – 2 Samuel 22:21

You grabbed hundreds of dicks and chopped of the foreskins.  I doubt that’s the definition of clean hands.

“For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I am not guilty of turning from my God.” – 2 Samuel 22:22

David speaks the truth.  Both David and God are murderers filled with blood lust.

“As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” –  2 Samuel 22:31

According to the Bible God killed EVERYONE but seven people because he did not like HIS creations?  This is far from a perfect god.  This is an evil god.

“I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth; I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets.” – 2 Samuel 23:43

And the blood lust comes out once again.

David attempts to praise God and make God look good in this chapter, but he fails completely.  Calling God perfect when he destroyed creations he failed at?  Not really the evidence you should use.  David is right in one thing and that is he follows exactly what God asks him to do and that’s to kill.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 23:  David’s Last Words

2 Samuel – Chapter 21: The Gibeonites Avenged

Sheba, the troublemaker, is now dead and peace reigns among the Israelites.  The end.  Unfortunately no.  The Bible continues on for many, many more chapters and peace is nowhere to be found.  Sigh.

“During the reign of David, there was a famine for three successive years; so David sought the face of the Lord. The Lord said, ‘It is on account of Saul and his blood-stained house; it is because he put the Gibeonites to death.’” – 2 Samuel 21:1

This is example #198,914,715 why the God of the Bible is the most evil character in the Bible.  The Israelites have three years of famine due to the actions of a dead man?  For fuck’s sake.

“They answered the king, ‘As for the man who destroyed us and plotted against us so that we have been decimated and have no place anywhere in Israel, let seven of his male descendants be given to us to be killed and their bodies exposed before the Lord at Gibeah of Saul—the Lord’s chosen one.’” – 2 Samuel 21:5-6

This is the solution???  Kill seven male descendants?  How does killing Saul’s descendants do anything?  And God accepts this?  Example #198,914,716 God is evil.

“Rizpah daughter of Aiah took sackcloth and spread it out for herself on a rock. From the beginning of the harvest till the rain poured down from the heavens on the bodies, she did not let the birds touch them by day or the wild animals by night.” – 2 Samuel 21:10

Yes, because God can’t stand rotting corpses picked apart by birds.  God likes his rotting corpses in pristine condition!

“They buried the bones of Saul and his son Jonathan in the tomb of Saul’s father Kish, at Zela in Benjamin, and did everything the king commanded. After that, God answered prayer in behalf of the land.” – 2 Samuel 21:14

It is unbelievable that this is what it took to satisfy this god and bring rain.  For fuck’s sake.

“Once again there was a battle between the Philistines and Israel.” – 2 Samuel 21:15

Seven men were killed for no reason and God still brings war to the land.  Fuck you God.

After this there are several more verses on specific battles.  The point here is that an awful thing was done to appease God and yet peace is still elusive.  This god wants blood.  This evil god wants death and destruction.  You can do whatever God asks, but this god will still do immense harm to you and your loved ones.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 5:  For the director of music. For pipes. A psalm of David.

2 Samuel – Chapter 20: Sheba Rebels Against David

David is back in Jerusalem.  The end.  Unfortunately that is not the case.  The Bible has many more chapters, meaning peace did not rule the land after David’s return.  Sigh.

“Now a troublemaker named Sheba son of Bikri, a Benjamite, happened to be there” – 2 Samuel 20:1

Oohhh….a troublemaker!  I’m not sure why I find this word so funny.  It’s probably due to all the rape and murder in this book, that the word ‘troublemaker’ just seems out of place!

“So all the men of Israel deserted David to follow Sheba son of Bikri. But the men of Judah stayed by their king all the way from the Jordan to Jerusalem.” – 2 Samuel 20:2

LOL!  Poor David just can’t keep his people following him faithfully.

“When David returned to his palace in Jerusalem, he took the ten concubines he had left to take care of the palace and put them in a house under guard. He provided for them but had no sexual relations with them. They were kept in confinement till the day of their death, living as widows.” – 2 Samule 20:3

WTF?!?!?  What does this have to do with people leaving David in favor of Sheba?  What the fuck did the concubines do???

“Joab said to Amasa, ‘How are you, my brother?’ Then Joab took Amasa by the beard with his right hand to kiss him. Amasa was not on his guard against the dagger in Joab’s hand, and Joab plunged it into his belly, and his intestines spilled out on the ground. Without being stabbed again, Amasa died. Then Joab and his brother Abishai pursued Sheba son of Bikri.” – 2 Samuel 20:9-10

WTF?!?!?  So you can thrust three javelins directly into someone’s heart and not kill them (from a previous chapter), but a dagger to someone’s side is instant death?  The authors of the Bible clearly have no understanding of how the human body and death work.  I don’t doubt the dagger stab was deadly, but instant death as described here?  No way.

“Then the woman went to all the people with her wise advice, and they cut off the head of Sheba son of Bikri and threw it to Joab. So he sounded the trumpet, and his men dispersed from the city, each returning to his home. And Joab went back to the king in Jerusalem.” – 2 Samuel 20:22

LOL!  It’s the Bible so of course a head was cut off and thrown over the wall.  Great scenes for a movie!

That does it for this chapter.  David is back in charge, but the bloodshed continues.  Sheba, that troublemaker (LOL!), has his head cut off and thrown over the wall.  The Bible.  The bloodiest book of them all.  But all about love, right?  😊

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 21:  The Gibeonites Avenged

2 Samuel – Chapter 19: David Returns to Jerusalem

Thank the make believe god of the Bible we have moved out of Psalms for the time being.  Psalms is a very repetitive book in which the 100+ chapters could easily be reduced to one chapter that says:

“God is great.  Don’t fuck with God.  God helps the poor and needy.  Don’t fuck with God.”

One chapter, one verse and Psalms is done!  Then again, the authors of the Bible didn’t have Netflix in their time, so they had nothing better to do but repeat the same damn thing over and over again.  Enough with Psalms for now.  Today we look back in 2 Samuel with the return of David to Jerusalem.

“Joab was told, ‘The king is weeping and mourning for Absalom.’” – 2 Samuel 19:1

It makes sense that David mourns for Absalom.  Absalom was his son and despite the crimes by Absalom one should not knock David for mourning.  Even parents of mass murderers will weep for their children.

“Then Joab went into the house to the king and said, ‘Today you have humiliated all your men, who have just saved your life and the lives of your sons and daughters and the lives of your wives and concubines.’” – 2 Samuel 19:5

Joab is holding nothing back from David.  Although I point to the last few words of this verse that once again point out multiple wives and concubines.  Traditional marriage?  Puh-lease!

“Now go out and encourage your men. I swear by the Lord that if you don’t go out, not a man will be left with you by nightfall. This will be worse for you than all the calamities that have come on you from your youth till now.” – 2 Samuel 19:7

More from Joab.  He’s holding nothing back.  He’s basically saying to David to get off your ass and lead your men.

“And say to Amasa, ‘Are you not my own flesh and blood? May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if you are not the commander of my army for life in place of Joab.’” – 2 Samuel 19:13

I highly doubt this god, the god who allows and often promotes rape and murder, is going to deal with anyone in any just way.

“David replied, ‘What does this have to do with you, you sons of Zeruiah? What right do you have to interfere? Should anyone be put to death in Israel today? Don’t I know that today I am king over Israel?’ So the king said to Shimei, ‘You shall not die.’ And the king promised him on oath.” – 2 Samuel 19:22-23

How nice of David not to kill.  Too bad that doesn’t apply to all the other people David intends to take over for his own gain.  Too bad this niceness doesn’t apply to the multiple wives and concubines he rapes or the women his men rape as war spoils.

“Now Barzillai was very old, eighty years of age.” – 2 Samuel 19:32

Eight years old is considered very old, especially for this time period that lacked modern medicine.  It’s a stark contrast to the very old of several centuries we saw in Genesis.

“Then the men of Israel answered the men of Judah, ‘We have ten shares in the king; so we have a greater claim on David than you have. Why then do you treat us with contempt? Weren’t we the first to speak of bringing back our king?’” – 2 Samuel 19:43

For fuck’s sake.  Now the tribes are arguing over who is the better tribe to hang with David.  Seriously?

This concludes 2 Samuel 19.  Absalom is dead and David has returned to Jerusalem to lead all of the tribes.  Let the blood killing begin again!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 20:  Sheba Rebels Against David