2 Samuel 12:24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and Today’s verse is on the topic of sex.

“Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon.” – 2 Samuel 12:24

At first glance there is nothing wrong with this verse. Set aside the fact David had multiple wives and concubines, it is perfectly normal for a husband and wife to have sex and become pregnant. The difference here is the context. This is immediately after their son is killed. David has sex with his wife to comfort her over her dead son. For fuck’s sake. Making a baby isn’t the same as picking out the next dog when yours dies. Biblical romance. 🙂

2 Samuel 12:30

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today is one of those crazy verses that would have been so easy to fix had the authors just taken a moment to proofread. Instead, it makes what is already a ridiculous book even more ridiculous.

“David took the crown from their king’s head, and it was placed on his own head. It weighed a talent of gold, and it was set with precious stones.” – 2 Samuel 12:30

A talent is about 75 pounds. Think about that for second and image placing 75 pounds on your head. I’m not saying it isn’t possible, but it isn’t anywhere near comfortable or easy and just comes across as plain stupid. Why not say the crown weighed 10 pounds. That’s already a heavy weight to place on one’s head, but at least it is more believable.

2 Samuel 14:25-26

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday was found by taking a look at the Skeptic’s Annotated Bible section on ‘Science’.

“In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard.” – 2 Samuel 14:25-26

How heavy is 200 shekels?  Turns out it is equivalent to 5 pounds.  That’s a lot of added weight on your head!  A human head weighs 10 pounds, so supposedly this man had an additional 50% weight permanently added to his head.  Guess what?  This didn’t happen.  He’d have extreme trouble holding up his head and have severe neck/muscle pain.  For comparison’s sake, a full head of long hair will weigh about a half of a pound.

Once again, the Bible fails at the truth.  You can have a lot of hair on your head that weighs well under a pound.  There’s no need to exaggerate to ridiculous levels and say there was a head of hair weighing 5 pounds.  Sheesh.

Review of 2 Samuel

In the last post, two days ago, I discussed the last chapter of 2 Samuel.  Before moving on to the next chapter, 1 Chronicles 21, let me do a quick recap of 2 Samuel.  2 Samuel was the story (to be clear, fictional) of David becoming King of the Israelites.  David is God’s chosen lackey and is not a very kind ruler.  David commits adultery, impregnates the woman, and then kills the woman’s husband.  What does God do?  Nothing!  Later God kills David’s young son which is beyond ridiculous.  David is the one who committed adultery, not the young child.   The young child was innocent, yet God is known for punishing the innocent.

In addition to this crazy story, we also see another of David’s sons rebelling and fighting against his father for control of the land.  Many people were killed and eventually David regains control of the land and the people.  Where was God?  Doing nothing to negotiate peace, that’s for sure.  Even in the last chapter we see God punishing the people by offering them their choice of severe punishment.

To sum it up in just a few key words, 2 Samuel was all about rape, murder, destruction, and bloodshed.  During all of this we switched back and forth to Psalms and ‘learned’ how great and forgiving and just God is to his people.  Um…tell that to those who were raped and brutally murdered and their families.  This is not a forgiving god and this is not a just god.  The god of 2 Samuel is far different than the god of Psalms.  In 2 Samuel we see the actual actions of the god of the Bible while in Psalms we see David’s version of this awful god.  David’s version apologizes/lies/changes the true god of the Bible.  The true god of the Bible is evil and immoral.  2 Samuel is VERY clear on this.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 21:  David Counts the Fighting Men

2 Samuel – Chapter 24: David Enrolls the Fighting Men

After spending the last few chapters in Psalms, today we move back to finish the last chapter of 2 Samuel.

“Again the anger of the Lord burned against Israel, and he incited David against them, saying, ‘Go and take a census of Israel and Judah.’” – 2 Samuel 24:1

God:  I’m angry, go count the people.  David:  Um…okay.

“So the king said to Joab and the army commanders with him, ‘Go throughout the tribes of Israel from Dan to Beersheba and enroll the fighting men, so that I may know how many there are.’” – 2 Samuel 24:2

Now we see the truth.  God just wants to know how many people he can get to fight since he is always filled with bloodlust.  Peace is never an option for this horrible god.

“Joab reported the number of the fighting men to the king: In Israel there were eight hundred thousand able-bodied men who could handle a sword, and in Judah five hundred thousand.” – 2 Samuel 24:9

That’s a lot of blood God is ready to spill.

“Go and tell David, ‘This is what the Lord says: I am giving you three options. Choose one of them for me to carry out against you.’ So Gad went to David and said to him, ‘Shall there come on you three years of famine in your land? Or three months of fleeing from your enemies while they pursue you? Or three days of plague in your land? Now then, think it over and decide how I should answer the one who sent me.’” – 2 Samuel 24:12-13

Fuck you God.  We were told in Psalms God rules with equity and is very forgiving.  Apparently God’s definition of forgiving is to provide the Israelites three options in which each severely punishes them.  Do you wish to die of starvation, people whose hearts I hardened, or an intense plague?  Fuck you God.

“So the Lord sent a plague on Israel from that morning until the end of the time designated, and seventy thousand of the people from Dan to Beersheba died.” – 2 Samuel 24:15

Fuck you God.  You’re not forgiving.  You’re an asshole who simply exists in the Bible to randomly kill people to satisfy your bloodlust.  A book of morals?  Fuck that.

“’To buy your threshing floor,’ David answered, ‘so I can build an altar to the Lord, that the plague on the people may be stopped.’” – 2 Samuel 24:21

God demands a fucking altar be built to stop the plague?  Think about this for a minute.  This is the God Christians worship and this is the book they call a book of morals.  God just killed 70,000 people while waiting for an altar to be built.  A book of morals my ass.

“David built an altar to the Lord there and sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings. Then the Lord answered his prayer in behalf of the land, and the plague on Israel was stopped.” – 2 Samuel 24:25

For fuck’s sake.

What an awful, horrible chapter that illustrates very clearly this is NOT a god to be worshipped.  This god is the true definition of evil in the world.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 21:  David Counts the Fighting Men

2 Samuel – Chapter 23: David’s Last Words

David’s last words.  The title makes this chapter sound so ominous!

“These are the last words of David:” – 2 Samuel 23:1

Wow, these really are going to be the last words of David!

“When one rules over people in righteousness, when he rules in the fear of God, he is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth.” – 2 Samuel 23:3-4

If you rule in fear of God as your justification to rape and murder, you are a rapist and a murderer.  Very simple.  David has a few other last words, but this verse pretty much sums it up.  David followed God.  God demanded murder.  David murdered in the name of God.  God is a murderer.  Therefore, David is a murderer and an evil human being.

“These are the names of David’s mighty warriors: Josheb-Basshebeth, a Tahkemonite, was chief of the Three; he raised his spear against eight hundred men, whom he killed in one encounter.” – 2 Samuel 23:8

One man kills 800 men with just one spear?  Nope.  Never happened.

“Abishai the brother of Joab son of Zeruiah was chief of the Three. He raised his spear against three hundred men, whom he killed, and so he became as famous as the Three.” – 2 Samuel 23:18

Only 300 men?  That’s weak sauce!  The dude a few verses earlier killed 800 men!  That’s the true definition of a manly man!

“Although the Egyptian had a spear in his hand, Benaiah went against him with a club. He snatched the spear from the Egyptian’s hand and killed him with his own spear.” – 2 Samuel 23:21

Ah snap!  This dude stopped a spear with a club and then used the other dude’s spear to kill said dude.  God’s definition of a manly man!

This is basically how this chapter ends.  There are a several more verses on who the different warriors are, but this chapter is basically a few words about fearing God, followed by a list of all the great accomplishments of killing men that took place.  A book of morals?  If so, this chapter says it is moral to kill and the more men you kill, the more moral you are.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 57:  For the director of music. To the tune of “Do Not Destroy.” Of David. A miktam. When he had fled from Saul into the cave.

2 Samuel – Chapter 22: David’s Song of Praise

After a few chapters in Psalms, we move back to 2 Samuel today.  This is the third to last chapter in 2 Samuel and reads much like a chapter in Psalms, with David praising God through song.

“He is my stronghold, my refuge and my savior—from violent people you save me.” – 2 Samuel 22:3

Were these ‘violent people’ really violent or just different than you?  And are you really one to talk about violent people?  You, David, the one who has killed many and chopped off hundreds of foreskins.

“The earth trembled and quaked, the foundations of the heavens shook; they trembled because he was angry.” – 2 Samuel 22:8

Or there was an earthquake.

“Smoke rose from his nostrils; consuming fire came from his mouth, burning coals blazed out of it.” – 2 Samuel 22:9

This is a campfire viewed when high.

“Out of the brightness of his presence bolts of lightning blazed forth.” – 2 Samuel 22:13

It’s called a thunderstorm.

“The Lord has dealt with me according to my righteousness; according to the cleanness of my hands he has rewarded me.” – 2 Samuel 22:21

You grabbed hundreds of dicks and chopped of the foreskins.  I doubt that’s the definition of clean hands.

“For I have kept the ways of the Lord; I am not guilty of turning from my God.” – 2 Samuel 22:22

David speaks the truth.  Both David and God are murderers filled with blood lust.

“As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord’s word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him.” –  2 Samuel 22:31

According to the Bible God killed EVERYONE but seven people because he did not like HIS creations?  This is far from a perfect god.  This is an evil god.

“I beat them as fine as the dust of the earth; I pounded and trampled them like mud in the streets.” – 2 Samuel 23:43

And the blood lust comes out once again.

David attempts to praise God and make God look good in this chapter, but he fails completely.  Calling God perfect when he destroyed creations he failed at?  Not really the evidence you should use.  David is right in one thing and that is he follows exactly what God asks him to do and that’s to kill.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 23:  David’s Last Words