2 Samuel 12:11

Today is Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday!  The verse I’ve chosen comes from the book of 2 Samuel and from the chapter discussed in a post last week.

“Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight.” – 2 Samuel 12:11

God is angry with David for killing a husband and raping the wife.  Did God stop the killing and rape?  Nope.  God sat by and watched, doing nothing.  God decides to punish David and one of the punishments is to take David’s wives and allow them to be raped.  Um…what…the…FUCK!?!?!  The women get raped.  That’s David’s punishment.  This is God!  He’s supposed to be all-knowing!  How is it not possible that part of that all-knowing does not involve coming up with a punishment that doesn’t punish the innocent?  This leads us to two and only two options.  Either God is truly stupid or there is no god!


2 Samuel – Chapter 12: Nathan Rebukes David

In our last chapter, David killed a woman’s husband, raped her, and all of this was allowed by God, who seemed to feel just a tad bit guilty afterwards.  Too late for the woman and her husband, however.  Is it possible for this chapter to be more disgusting?  You never know with the Bible.  When you think you’ve hit the most disgusting part, the Bible accepts the challenge and offers something more disgusting.

“Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.” – 2 Samuel 12:4

A dick move by the rich man, but not any different than how many of the rich treat the poor today.

“Then Nathan said to David, ‘You are the man! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul.  I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more.  Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.  Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’” – 2 Samuel 12:7-10

Please, please, do not give God credit for striking back against David’s evil actions.  God has guided David in the killing of thousands, if not tens to hundreds of thousands of people.  God could have easily stopped David from killing Uriah, but sat by and did nothing.  God deserves no credit now.  We also see in these verses how God takes women and forces them to be one of David’s many wives.  Again, God deserves no credit.

“Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight.” – 2 Samuel 12:11

God punishes David by taking his wives and having them raped?  WTF?!?!  How horrible is this god?

“Nathan replied, ‘The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.’” – 2 Samuel 12:13-14

Great for David that he’s not going to die, but what about the hundreds of thousands who have already died by the hands of David.  Again, God’s punishment to David is to harm someone else.  David’s son will now die?  Is this punishing David or the son?  What a fucking stupid god.

“On the seventh day the child died.” – 2 Samuel 12:18

Not only did God kill the child, he made the child suffer for seven days before killing him.  God is a disgusting being who should never be worshipped by anyone.

“Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The Lord loved him; and because the Lord loved him, he sent word through Nathan the prophet to name him Jedidiah.” – 2 Samuel 12:24-25

Now that God has satisfied his taste for baby blood, he can love a child again.  Fuck you God.

“So David mustered the entire army and went to Rabbah, and attacked and captured it.” – 2 Samuel 12:29

The baby killing is done.  Time to kill some adults.  WTF?!?!

“David took a great quantity of plunder from the city and brought out the people who were there, consigning them to labor with saws and with iron picks and axes, and he made them work at brickmaking.” – 2 Samuel 12:30-31

Killing isn’t enough for David and God.  Slavery must be included too.

What a fucking disgusting chapter.  I thought the last chapter was horrible, but this one tops that.  Killing of babies.  Killing of adults.  Slavery.  Suffering.  A book of morals?  If that’s your stance, stay away because you are truly a messed up individual.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 20:  The Capture of Rabbah

2 Samuel – Chapter 11: David and Bathsheba

Today we return to 2 Samuel after discussing several chapters in Psalms.  In our last look in 2 Samuel, David had his armies kill the armies of another group because this other army took off the pants of David’s army.  I kid you not.  This is actually what the Bible says!  Can this chapter be any crazier?  I doubt it can top a taking off of an army’s pants, but you never know!

“They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah.” – 2 Samuel 11:1

Not necessarily crazier yet, but just as bloody as the previous chapter in 2 Samuel.

“From the roof he saw a woman bathing.  The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her.” – 2 Samuel 11:2-3

The truth comes out.  David is a peeping Tom.

“Then David sent messengers to get her.  She came to him, and he slept with her.  Then she went back home.” – 2 Samuel 11:4

David receives a booty call, but was there consent?  Did this woman have a choice in the matter?  We don’t know for sure, but we know God allows rape without punishment.  Or rather without an appropriate punishment.  Paying a few shekels to the father of a raped woman is NOT a punishment.  This woman was married to Uriah, so I’m guessing she was raped.  David impregnates the woman and then sets forth with plans to get rid of Uriah.

“In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and set it with Uriah.  In it he wrote, ‘Put Uriah out in the front where the fighting is fiercest.  Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die’” – 2 Samuel 11:14-15

OMG!?!?!  God’s chosen leader of the Israelites is conspiring to have the husband of the woman he raped murdered.  And yet God does nothing.  The god of the Bible is NOT good.

“…Uriah the Hittite died.” – 2 Samuel 11:17

David’s plan was a success.  God could have stopped this awful murder, but sat by and did nothing.

“After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son.  But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” – 2 Samuel 11:27

Holy shit!  Did this woman have a choice in the marriage?  I highly doubt it.  If David had her husband murdered, I guarantee he didn’t give her a choice.  God is displeased.  WTF?  He KNEW this was happening and did nothing to stop it.  God is displeased?  That’s more disgusting since it came after the fact.  God allowed this murder to happen and is guiltier than David.  A book of morals?  No fucking way.

Wow!  What a disgusting chapter that clearly shows the evil of the god of the Bible.  How can anyone read the Bible and call it a book of morals?  Anyone who considers this book moral is a very disturbed individual.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 12:  Nathan Rebukes David

2 Samuel 10:4 and 1 Chronicles 19:4

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday is just a tiny bit different in that it looks at two verses in separate chapters, 2 Samuel and 1 Chronicles.  The two chapters are very, very similar in nature and often have verses that are a direct copy.  I’ve selected two verses that start a story that is so ‘moral’ it was repeated twice in the Bible.  I discussed one of these chapters in yesterday’s post and the other chapter in last Friday’s post.

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved them, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 1 Chronicles 19:4

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved off half of each man’s beard, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 2 Samuel 10:4

The only difference in the two verses is the percentage of beard that was shaved off the men.  The part that I wish to point out is the taking of pants by one army from another.  Um, this is supposed to be a book of morals, according to Christians, yet the story of one army losing their pants is repeated twice!  Now that’s some crazy in the Bible.

It gets even crazier as David’s army then goes on to kill the army that took their pants!  Is killing the justified response to getting de-pants?  According to the Bible it is…TWICE!

2 Samuel – Chapter 10: David Defeats the Ammonites

Today we move from Psalms back to 2 Samuel.  In this chapter David defeats the Ammonites, but let’s take a closer look at the details of this defeat.

“In the course of time, the king of the Ammonites died, and his son Hanun succeeded him as king. David thought, “I will show kindness to Hanun son of Nahash, just as his father showed kindness to me.” So David sent a delegation to express his sympathy to Hanun concerning his father.” – 2 Samuel 10:1-2

Okay, this is a nice start.  Kindness in return for kindness.  I wish there were more of this in the Bible.  The Bible would be a much better book.

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved off half of each man’s beard, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 2 Samuel 10:4

Maybe not the kindest move on the part of Hanun.  If David’s people were truly there as an act of kindness, capturing them, shaving their beards, and taking off their pants is not really the best move.  I do find it funny, however, that the Bible has a story in which one army takes off the pants of the other army.  LOL!  Then again, the Bible also has a story of one man, David, single handedly working his way through a battle field chopping off dick tips.  Yes, that is seriously in the Bible!

“On hearing this, David sent Joab out with the entire army of fighting men. The Ammonites came out and drew up in battle formation at the entrance of their city gate, while the Arameans of Zobah and Rehob and the men of Tob and Maakah were by themselves in the open country.” – 2 Samuel 10:7-8

Should Hanun’s people have taken off the pants of David’s people?  Clearly no.  Is it appropriate that both sides build armies because of this?  Hell no!  What message does this send to the reader?  Handle disputes with war?  Again, not a book of morals.

“Then Joab and the troops with him advanced to fight the Arameans, and they fled before him.” – 2 Samuel 10:13

Yep, an actual battle with killing takes place because of pants being taken off.  Sigh.

“But they fled before Israel, and David killed seven hundred of their charioteers and forty thousand of their foot soldiers. He also struck down Shobak the commander of their army, and he died there. When all the kings who were vassals of Hadadezer saw that they had been routed by Israel, they made peace with the Israelites and became subject to them.” – 2 Samuel 10:18-19

OMFG!?!?!  Forty thousand plus people died in these battles!!!  And for what reason?  Because David’s people had their pants taken off.  Think about this for a bit.  Yes, taking off their pants was wrong.  It was demoralizing to David’s people, but starting a war and killing them as revenge?  That’s WAY over the top.  There are so many other choices that should have been made.  Forgive them?  Okay, maybe you want a bit of revenge, so go and take off their pants in retaliation, but murder them?  Again, this is NOT a book of morals.

Wow…what a chapter!  It can be summed up as a chapter in which one army had their pants taken off and the other army retaliated by killing the first army.  Wow!

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 19:  David Defeats the Ammonites

2 Samuel – Chapter 9: David and Mephibosheth

The last chapter of 2 Samuel was a disgusting piece of glorification of a god who demands murder.  I’m amazed how people can look at the Bible and describe it as a book of morals.  A book of morals doesn’t include murder, rape, and slavery.  Fortunately for us, the Bible is a book of fiction and morals do not come from a book.

“David asked, ‘Is there anyone still left of the house of Saul to whom I can show kindness for Jonathan’s sake?’” – 2 Samuel 9:1

That depends.  Have you murdered all of them yet?

“Ziba answered the king, ‘There is still a son of Jonathan; he is lame in both feet.’” – 2 Samuel 9:3

God doesn’t like the disabled.  See the weekly Crazy Bible Verse from a couple of weeks ago (Leviticus 21:18).

“’Don’t be afraid,’” David said to him, ‘for I will surely show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan. I will restore to you all the land that belonged to your grandfather Saul, and you will always eat at my table.’” – 2 Samuel 9:7

How nice of David to restore the land he stole.

“And Mephibosheth lived in Jerusalem, because he always ate at the king’s table; he was lame in both feet.” – 2 Samuel 9:13

I love how the verse ends by pointing out once again that this dude was disabled.  The authors get joy of pointing out the disabilities of others.  The way it is described in this chapter is a form of mocking.

That concludes 2 Samuel 9.  Not as disgusting as the previous chapter, but when put in context with what we’ve already read, we can see the problems.  David comes across as nice by restoring lands to someone whose land was taken away.  The person who took those lands, however, was David!  Sigh.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 18:  David’s Victories

2 Samuel – Chapter 8: David’s Victories

Time to move back to 2 Samuel following a few chapters in the book of Psalms.

“David also defeated the Moabites. He made them lie down on the ground and measured them off with a length of cord. Every two lengths of them were put to death, and the third length was allowed to live.” – 2 Samuel 8:2

WTF?  This is moral?  This is what the Christian god demands and allows?  The Bible is a book of moral teachings?  No, most definitely not.

“When the Arameans of Damascus came to help Hadadezer king of Zobah, David struck down twenty-two thousand of them.” – 2 Samuel 8:5

More killing by David approved by God.  The Israelites are God’s chosen people.  God can stop this war, but he doesn’t.  Instead, he demands it.  David is a murderer, but he’s a murderer commanded by God in the Bible.

“David took the gold shields that belonged to the officers of Hadadezer and brought them to Jerusalem.” – 2 Samuel 8:7

David, again approved by God, is also a thief.

“He put garrisons throughout Edom, and all the Edomites became subject to David. The Lord gave David victory wherever he went.” – 2 Samuel 8:14

More killing and enslavement by David.  Killing and slavery are nothing new in the history of humankind, but this is the Bible and these actions are supported and demanded by a god close to 2 billion people in the world worship today.

“David reigned over all Israel, doing what was just and right for all his people.” – 2 Samuel 8:15

According to the Bible, this god’s definition of ‘just’ is killing, slavery, and rape.  Such a lovely story.

Today’s chapter is a list of conquests by David that include the killing of tens of thousands.  David is not a great person.  He’s a murderer, a murderer controlled by God.  The Bible intends this to be a story of great accomplishment by those having faith in God.  It’s not.  An ounce of critical thinking shows this is a disgusting story of a god with no moral values.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 9:  David and Mephibosheth