2 Samuel – Chapter 7: God’s Promise to David

I like the title of today’s chapter, 2 Samuel 7.  God’s promise to David.  God promises a lot, but often breaks these promises or offer promises with many catches and out clauses.  Let’s see what this promise is all about.

“After the king was settled in his palace and the Lord had given him rest from all his enemies around him…” – 2 Samuel 7:1

How nice and kind of God to give David a rest from all of that killing.  Sigh.

“…he said to Nathan the prophet..” – 2 Samuel 7:2

Today prophets are dismissed as scam artists, yet in Christianity, prophets written down in some book by unknown authors are treated as speaking the word of God.  WTF?!?!  God next speaks to Nathan to pass a message along to David.  Why God doesn’t speak to David directly is a complete mystery.  But as you know God works in ‘mysterious’ ways.

“And I will provide a place for my people Israel and will plant them so that they can have a home of their own and no longer be disturbed.” – 2 Samuel 7:10

How great of God to FINALLY talk about giving the Israelites a permanent home.  They haven’t had one since God hardened the hearts of the Egyptians and forced the Israelites out of Egypt.  Due to God’s actions, the Israelites have been homeless this entire time!  God is great?  Hardly!

“Wicked people will not oppress them anymore, as they did at the beginning 11 and have done ever since the time I appointed leaders over my people Israel.” – 2 Samuel 7:10-11

Wait, so God could have ended this oppression at any time and chose not to?  What an asshole!!!

“I will be his father, and he will be my son. When he does wrong, I will punish him with a rod wielded by men, with floggings inflicted by human hands. But my love will never be taken away from him, as I took it away from Saul, whom I removed from before you.”  – 2 Samuel 7:14-15

ROFL!  Love these two verses!  If you do wrong, I will have you flogged with a rod, but I still love you!  And don’t believe God for one second that this ‘love’ will never be taken away.  God freely admits it was taken away from Saul.  Again, what a crock of shit God has stirred up.

“Then King David went in and sat before the Lord, and he said: ‘Who am I, Sovereign Lord, and what is my family, that you have brought me this far?’” – 2 Samuel 7:18

The honest answer?  You are God’s play toy.  Nothing more.  Nothing less.

“Sovereign Lord, you are God! Your covenant is trustworthy, and you have promised these good things to your servant.” – 2 Samuel 7:28

Trustworthy?  ROFL!  This is the same God that killed everyone but Noah’s family because he got a bit pissy.  LOL!

That concludes 2 Samuel 7.  God is now speaking to David, but through a prophet for whatever reason.  God offers a promise, but we all know the Israelites are not suddently going to have a lifetime of peace and happiness.  And God reveals that he could have stopped the oppression centuries ago.  Conclusion?  God is an asshole.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 17:  God’s Promise to David

2 Samuel – Chapter 6: The Ark Brought to Jerusalem

Today we continue through 2 Samuel with a discussion on the sixth chapter.

“When they came to the threshing floor of Nakon, Uzzah reached out and took hold of the ark of God, because the oxen stumbled. 7 The Lord’s anger burned against Uzzah because of his irreverent act; therefore God struck him down, and he died there beside the ark of God.” – 2 Samuel 6:6

OMFG!?!?!  WTF!?!?!  Uzzah steps in to save the ark of God from hitting the ground and is killed by God!  You can’t make this shit up!  Don’t you dare touch God’s shit even if it is to save God’s shit from breaking!

“When those who were carrying the ark of the Lord had taken six steps, he sacrificed a bull and a fattened calf.” – 2 Samuel 6:13

Well guys, we’ve taken six steps, so I think it’s time for a break.  LOL!

“Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might,” – 2 Samuel 6:14


“David said to Michal, ‘It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord. I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.’ And Michal daughter of Saul had no children to the day of her death.” – 2 Samuel 6:21-23

It’s important to note here that God is the one who chose David, not the people.  Clearly Michal doesn’t agree with David’s actions, but is it a justified punishment to deny her children?  Sigh.  Unjustified biblical punishment at its finest.

That concludes 2 Samuel 6 which is filled with a few WTF moments!  And remember, don’t you dare touch God’s shit!  😊

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 13:  Bringing Back the Ark

2 Samuel – Chapter 5:11-25 – David Conquers Jerusalem

Today we pick up where we left off in 2 Samuel about two weeks ago.

“Then David knew that the Lord had established him as king over Israel and had exalted his kingdom for the sake of his people Israel.” – 2 Samuel 5:12

Life is good for David because God chooses to make it good for David, not because David has done anything to earn God’s love.  No one should have to earn God’s love.  A loving deity loves regardless of the individual’s deeds.

“After he left Hebron, David took more concubines and wives in Jerusalem, and more sons and daughters were born to him.” – 2 Samuel 5:13

ROFL!  Maybe David earned God’s favor because he had many concubines and wives!  Traditional biblical marriage at its finest!

“The Lord answered him, ‘Go, for I will surely deliver the Philistines into your hands.’” – 2 Samuel 5:19

Note that it is not David’s armies delivering the Philistines, but God.  God approves of this battle.  God could stop any battle and bring peace to the land, but he instead chooses to satisfy his bloodlust.

“As soon as you hear the sound of marching in the tops of the poplar trees, move quickly, because that will mean the Lord has gone out in front of you to strike the Philistine army.” – 2 Samuel 5:24

More evidence that God is the one choosing the battle to happen.  Not David.  God can easily stop the battle, but chooses not to.  Even worse, God sides with David and gives him the win.

This chapter of 2 Samuel further proves that God has an agenda and it is not a nice, loving agenda.  It is an agenda of war, death, and destruction.  It also defeats the Christian argument of free-will.  Clearly David and the Israelites do not have free will as God is the one making the choices for them.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 6:  The Ark Brought to Jerusalem

2 Samuel – Chapter 5 – Verses 1 – 10: David Becomes King Over Israel

Today we move back to 2 Samuel.  If you’re new to reading this blog, I’m working on going through each chapter of the Bible in chronological order.  Samuel, Chronicles and Psalms all look at the story of David so there is a constant switching back and forth as we move through the Bible.  According to the chronological guide I am using, today’s chapter includes just the first ten verses.  The remaining verse take place after events discussed in other chapters of the Bible.  Let’s jump right into it.

“In the past, while Saul was king over us, you were the one who led Israel on their military campaigns. And the Lord said to you, ‘You will shepherd my people Israel, and you will become their ruler.’” – 2 Samuel 5:2

Christians are fond of arguing that God gave us free will to explain why there is still harm in this world.  Verses like this, however, in which God makes the choices, show the Bible says otherwise when it comes to free will.

“David was thirty years old when he became king, and he reigned forty years.” – 2 Samuel 5:4

Wow!  Forty years of doing God’s dirty work.  Forty years of murder, rape, and killing of innocents.  All in the name of God.

“The king and his men marched to Jerusalem to attack the Jebusites, who lived there.” – 2 Samuel 5:6

Nowhere in the Bible is it stated why the Jebusites are to be attacked.  We are never given an explanation as to why other than it was the will of God.  Like I said.  David is here to do God’s dirty work.

“And he became more and more powerful, because the Lord God Almighty was with him.” – 2 Samuel 5:10

Again, it is fine to argue for free will, but only if you ignore what the Bible says on the matter.  David clearly has no free will.  God guides his every choice.

That concludes the first ten verses of this chapter.  It’s clear David has little choice in the matter as God has chosen him to lead the Israelites.  It’s not the free will of the people in the Bible.  It’s God’s choice.  God commands David to kill in his name and David does so without fighting back.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 11:  David Becomes King Over Israel

2 Samuel – Chapter 4

The bloodlust and murder continued in our last chapter of 2 Samuel and by the title of this chapter, we get another dose of it!  God loves murder and he’s going to make sure you do too!

“When Ish-Bosheth son of Saul heard that Abner had died in Hebron, he lost courage, and all Israel became alarmed.” – 2 Samuel 4:1

And he should!  Although David did not order Abner’s death, David is clearly an unstable person!  Who knows what he could do under God’s guidance?!?!

“(Jonathan son of Saul had a son who was lame in both feet. He was five years old when the news about Saul and Jonathan came from Jezreel. His nurse picked him up and fled, but as she hurried to leave, he fell and became disabled. His name was Mephibosheth.)” – 2 Samuel 4:4

I love that the NIV version of the Bible has this in parenthesis.  So there’s a 5 year old lame in both feet, but now he’s more disabled because his nurse fell while carrying him?  WTF?  Why is this even mentioned?!?!?!

“Now Rekab and Baanah, the sons of Rimmon the Beerothite, set out for the house of Ish-Bosheth, and they arrived there in the heat of the day while he was taking his noonday rest. 6 They went into the inner part of the house as if to get some wheat, and they stabbed him in the stomach.” – 2 Samuel 4:5-6

By now you’d think people would start wearing some type of armor around their stomachs given the number of stomach stabbing taking place?!?!

“They had gone into the house while he was lying on the bed in his bedroom. After they stabbed and killed him, they cut off his head. Taking it with them, they traveled all night by way of the Arabah. They brought the head of Ish-Bosheth to David at Hebron and said to the king, ‘Here is the head of Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, your enemy, who tried to kill you. This day the Lord has avenged my lord the king against Saul and his offspring.’” – 2 Samuel 4:7-8

Wow!  This is so messed up.  They chopped off his head and carried it around!?!?

“How much more—when wicked men have killed an innocent man in his own house and on his own bed—should I not now demand his blood from your hand and rid the earth of you!” – 2 Samuel 4:11

David is not happy with the be-heading and good for him!

“So David gave an order to his men, and they killed them. They cut off their hands and feet and hung the bodies by the pool in Hebron.” – 2 Samuel 4:12

Unfortunately David carries the crazy even farther!  Yikes!  Cut off their hands and feet and hung them by a pool!  This is so messed up!  The moral in all of this?  God loves you!  J

Wow, was this chapter messed up.  Brutal murder followed by corpse mutilation was the theme.  Biblical moral values for you.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 6:  For the director of music. With stringed instruments. According to sheminith.  A psalm of David.

2 Samuel – Chapter 3: Abner Goes Over to David

The story of David becoming king continues in 2 Samuel 3.

“The war between the house of Saul and the house of David lasted a long time. David grew stronger and stronger, while the house of Saul grew weaker and weaker.” – 2 Samuel 3:1

And the killing continues while God continues to jerk himself off high up in the clouds.  God gets off on killing.

“Now Saul had had a concubine named Rizpah daughter of Aiah. And Ish-Bosheth said to Abner, ‘Why did you sleep with my father’s concubine?’ Abner was very angry because of what Ish-Bosheth said. So he answered, ‘Am I a dog’s head—on Judah’s side? This very day I am loyal to the house of your father Saul and to his family and friends. I haven’t handed you over to David. Yet now you accuse me of an offense involving this woman! May God deal with Abner, be it ever so severely, if I do not do for David what the Lord promised him on oath and transfer the kingdom from the house of Saul and establish David’s throne over Israel and Judah from Dan to Beersheba.’ Ish-Bosheth did not dare to say another word to Abner, because he was afraid of him.” – 2 Samuel 3:7-11

An odd exchange to say the least.  There’s actually no need to include a concubine in this exchange.  It’s almost as if the Bible wants to continue to throw jabs at women.  It’s okay for men to have concubines and sleep with women, but wrong for women to do the same.

“Then David sent messengers to Ish-Bosheth son of Saul, demanding, ‘Give me my wife Michal, whom I betrothed to myself for the price of a hundred Philistine foreskins.’” – 2 Samuel 3:14

Every women falls over in love when she is sold for 100 foreskins.

“So Ish-Bosheth gave orders and had her taken away from her husband Paltiel son of Laish.” – 2 Samuel 3:15

Traditional biblical marriage.  Stolen from your husband and forced to wed another man.  Nice one God.  So moral of you.

“Now when Abner returned to Hebron, Joab took him aside into an inner chamber, as if to speak with him privately. And there, to avenge the blood of his brother Asahel, Joab stabbed him in the stomach, and he died.” – 2 Samuel 3:27

More death.  More blood.  An all-knowing God could easily have solved this problem with less murder and less blood.

“Later, when David heard about this, he said, ‘I and my kingdom are forever innocent before the Lord concerning the blood of Abner son of Ner. May his blood fall on the head of Joab and on his whole family! May Joab’s family never be without someone who has a running sore or leprosy or who leans on a crutch or who falls by the sword or who lacks food.’” – 2 Samuel 3:28-29

Let’s start with the good.  David calling out Joab is good.  Joab clearly did not have David’s blessing to kill Abner.  However, why is Joab’s family being punished for deeds they did not commit?  This is once again a problem of punishing those who are innocent.  An all-knowing god should know this!!!

“but David took an oath, saying, “May God deal with me, be it ever so severely, if I taste bread or anything else before the sun sets!” – 2 Samuel 3:35

Because that makes sense.  SMH!

“All the people took note and were pleased; indeed, everything the king did pleased them. So on that day all the people there and all Israel knew that the king had no part in the murder of Abner son of Ner.” – 2 Samuel 3:36-37

The Israelites are pleased that David isn’t eating?  Because he’s not eating his not part of Abner’s murder?  WTF?  These people lack all ability to think critically!

“May the Lord repay the evildoer according to his evil deeds!” – 2 Samuel 3:39

If only God were to apply David’s request above to himself!  The biggest evildoer of them all is God!!!

That concludes 2 Samuel 3.  Quite a few interesting things discussed, including foreskins and stealing a woman from her husband to be forced into a marriage to another man.  You know, because traditional biblical marriage is the only way to go!  David gets one thing right in condemning Abner’s murder, but then botches it one verse later by punishing innocents in Joab’s family instead of just Joab himself.  Then again, punishing Joab would be no fun unless you also get to punish his innocent children!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 4:  Ish-Bosheth Murdered

2 Samuel – Chapter 2: David Anointed King Over Judah

David now knows Saul is officially dead and is soon to be anointed king.  Let’s jump right into 2 Samuel 2.

“So David went up thither, and his two wives also, Ahinoam the Jezreelitess, and Abigail Nabal’s wife the Carmelite.” – 2 Samuel 2:2

The classic example of “traditional marriage”.  Two wives are okay!!!

“Ish-Bosheth son of Saul was forty years old when he became king over Israel, and he reigned two years. The tribe of Judah, however, remained loyal to David. The length of time David was king in Hebron over Judah was seven years and six months.” – 2 Samuel 2:10-11

It’s important to note that David did not immediately become king of Israel.  It took some time.

“Then Abner said to Joab, ‘Let’s have some of the young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us.’” – 2 Samuel 2:14

Abner is the spokesperson for Is-Bosheth and Joab is the spokesperson for David.  To me this is another of many what the fuck moments in the Bible.  Let’s have some young men get up and fight hand to hand in front of us?  Seriously?

“Then each man grabbed his opponent by the head and thrust his dagger into his opponent’s side, and they fell down together.” – 2 Samuel 2:16

ROFL!!!  For crying out loud!  They all stand up and just shove a dagger into each other at the same time and fall down?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!

“The battle that day was very fierce, and Abner and the Israelites were defeated by David’s men.” – 2 Samuel 2:17

Apparently after the shoving of knives into sides ceremony there was a battle.  Just wanted to make that clear to everyone.  🙂

“The three sons of Zeruiah were there: Joab, Abishai and Asahel. Now Asahel was as fleet-footed as a wild gazelle. He chased Abner, turning neither to the right nor to the left as he pursued him. Abner looked behind him and asked, ‘Is that you, Asahel?’ ‘It is,’ he answered. Then Abner said to him, ‘Turn aside to the right or to the left; take on one of the young men and strip him of his weapons.’ But Asahel would not stop chasing him. Again Abner warned Asahel, ‘Stop chasing me! Why should I strike you down? How could I look your brother Joab in the face?’ But Asahel refused to give up the pursuit; so Abner thrust the butt of his spear into Asahel’s stomach, and the spear came out through his back. He fell there and died on the spot. And every man stopped when he came to the place where Asahel had fallen and died.” – 2 Samuel 2:17-23

This story is insane.  Two people running after each other and then all of a sudden one turns and stabs a spear that the Bible makes very clear goes out the person’s back.  Bloodlust much?

“Abner called out to Joab, ‘Must the sword devour forever? Don’t you realize that this will end in bitterness? How long before you order your men to stop pursuing their fellow Israelites?’ Joab answered, ‘As surely as God lives, if you had not spoken, the men would have continued pursuing them until morning.’ So Joab blew the trumpet, and all the troops came to a halt; they no longer pursued Israel, nor did they fight anymore.” – 2 Samuel 2:26-28

This is completely nonsensical.  That’s all it took for Joab to stop his army?  If that’s the case, what was the purpose of the battle in the first place.

“But David’s men had killed three hundred and sixty Benjamites who were with Abner.” – 2 Samuel 2:31

Wow!  David’s men kill over 3,000 men, making the story even more insane.  Thousands of men were killed in a battle that was stopped by someone simply saying please stop chasing me and the chasing side saying okay.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!?

2 Samuel 2 is excellent evidence of how nonsensical the Bible is and how it should NEVER be used as a guide of morality.  Two sides are warring and more people are dying.  Why are they warring?  Hard to tell.  If there was a real, legitimate reason for the war, the war would not have stopped simply because one side said please stop chasing us.  It is clear this war was unjustified.  And where is God?  Up in the clouds jerking off while he watches the bloodshed.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 3:  Abner Goes Over to David