2 Samuel – Chapter 18: Absalom’s Death

Today’s chapter continues the story of Absalom that started a few chapters ago.  How will Absalom die?  Let’s find out.

“The king told the troops, ‘I myself will surely march out with you.’ But the men said, ‘You must not go out; if we are forced to flee, they won’t care about us. Even if half of us die, they won’t care; but you are worth ten thousand of us. It would be better now for you to give us support from the city.’ The king answered, ‘I will do whatever seems best to you.’” – 2 Samuel 18:2-4

David plans to go out with his men in battle but the men say no.

“The king commanded Joab, Abishai and Ittai, “Be gentle with the young man Absalom for my sake.” – 2 Samuel 18:5

Abaslom is David’s son.  It sounds as if David may have mercy on Absalom.

“There Israel’s troops were routed by David’s men, and the casualties that day were great—twenty thousand men.” – 2 Samuel 18:7

More needless slaughter in the Bible.  It all started with God hardening the Egyptians hearts and it hasn’t stopped.

“Now Absalom happened to meet David’s men. He was riding his mule, and as the mule went under the thick branches of a large oak, Absalom’s hair got caught in the tree. He was left hanging in midair, while the mule he was riding kept on going.” – 2 Samuel 18:9

Seriously?  Hair caught in a tree and Absalom left hanging in midair?  This is why the Bible is so unbelievable.  The stories are ridiculous.

“Joab said, ‘I’m not going to wait like this for you.’ So he took three javelins in his hand and plunged them into Absalom’s heart while Absalom was still alive in the oak tree. And ten of Joab’s armor-bearers surrounded Absalom, struck him and killed him.” – 2 Samuel 18:14-15

This makes no sense.  If Joab plunged three (three!) javelins into Absalom’s heart, he wouldn’t be left alive.  Either Joab missed the heart or Joab never stabbed Absalom.  It wouldn’t take another ten men to kill a hanging, defense-less Absalom.

“The king asked the Cushite, ‘Is the young man Absalom safe?’ The Cushite replied, ‘May the enemies of my lord the king and all who rise up to harm you be like that young man.’” – 2 Samuel 18:32

This Cushite has the skills of a great politician.  A fantastic non-answer to the question of whether Absalom is safe.  David, however, seems to understand this to mean Absalom is dead and begins to grieve.

Thus, ends the story of Absalom, the son of David, who waited two years to do anything about his sister’s rape, and when he finally did do something he took justice into his own hands instead of going through proper channels.

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 26:  Of David.

2 Samuel – Chapter 17: Untitled

This chapter, 2 Samuel 17, continues the story of Ahithophel giving ‘advice’ to Absalom.

“Ahithophel said to Absalom, ‘I would choose twelve thousand men and set out tonight in pursuit of David. I would attack him while he is weary and weak. I would strike him with terror, and then all the people with him will flee. I would strike down only the king and bring all the people back to you. The death of the man you seek will mean the return of all; all the people will be unharmed.’” – 2 Samuel 17:1-3

Maybe God should come in and stop this nonsense.  Oh wait, God only comes in to the picture when it’s time to kill people, regardless of innocence.

“Hushai replied to Absalom, ‘The advice Ahithophel has given is not good this time.’” – 2 Samuel 17:7

Hushai is the voice of reason in this story.

“You know your father and his men; they are fighters, and as fierce as a wild bear robbed of her cubs.” – 2 Samuel 17:8

Not to mention the father, David, is a stone cold killer.

“So I advise you: Let all Israel, from Dan to Beersheba—as numerous as the sand on the seashore—be gathered to you, with you yourself leading them into battle. Then we will attack him wherever he may be found, and we will fall on him as dew settles on the ground. Neither he nor any of his men will be left alive. If he withdraws into a city, then all Israel will bring ropes to that city, and we will drag it down to the valley until not so much as a pebble is left.” – 2 Samuel 17:11-13

Well, maybe Hushai isn’t the voice of reason since he is now advising war.

“Absalom and all the men of Israel said, ‘The advice of Hushai the Arkite is better than that of Ahithophel.’” – 2 Samuel 17:14

If the goal is to kill David, then yes, war is better advice than sleeping with David’s concubines.

“For the Lord had determined to frustrate the good advice of Ahithophel in order to bring disaster on Absalom.” – 2 Samuel 17:14

Is the Bible seriously giving credit to God for the Israelites deciding war was a better method than concubine sex to killing David?

“When Ahithophel saw that his advice had not been followed, he saddled his donkey and set out for his house in his hometown. He put his house in order and then hanged himself. So he died and was buried in his father’s tomb.” – 2 Samuel 17:23

Your advice to killing David was to sleep with his concubines.  What did you think was going to happen?

This chapter ends with a section titled “Absalom’s Death” but the actual death takes place in the next chapter.  We’ll have to wait until next time to see what happens.  This chapter was complete nonsense.  Was a full chapter of the Bible devoted to deciding whose advice is better when one option was sleeping with concubines?  Yes, a full chapter was indeed devoted to this!  Got to love those biblical morals.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 18:  Absalom’s Death

2 Samuel – Chapter 16: David and Ziba

After several chapters in Psalms, we now move back to the book of 2 Samuel.  In our last look in this chapter, a brother raped a sister and God sat by and did nothing to stop it.

“When David had gone a short distance beyond the summit, there was Ziba, the steward of Mephibosheth, waiting to meet him.” 2 Samuel 16:1

The first verse sets the context of the story.

“Then the king (David) said to Ziba, ‘All that belonged to Mephibosheth is now yours.’” – 2 Samuel 16:4

Um.  Okay.  Sure?

“As King David approached Bahurim, a man from the same clan as Saul’s family came out from there. His name was Shimei son of Gera, and he cursed as he came out.” – 2 Samuel 16:5

Understandable given God took over Saul’s body and forced Saul to commit crimes against others.  This was all part of God’s plan to plant David as the leader of the Israelites.  The big question is why God didn’t do this is a peaceful way.  Wouldn’t an all-knowing and all-loving god want peace?

“As he cursed, Shimei said, ‘Get out, get out, you murderer, you scoundrel! The Lord has repaid you for all the blood you shed in the household of Saul, in whose place you have reigned. The Lord has given the kingdom into the hands of your son Absalom. You have come to ruin because you are a murderer!’” – 2 Samuel 16:7-8

Finally someone calls out David as a murderer.

“It may be that the Lord will look upon my misery and restore to me his covenant blessing instead of his curse today.” – 2 Samuel 16:12

What misery is David referring to?  God has made him leader of the Israelites.  To be fair, God unjustly had David’s wives raped and his son killed.

“Ahithophel answered, ‘Sleep with your father’s concubines whom he left to take care of the palace. Then all Israel will hear that you have made yourself obnoxious to your father, and the hands of everyone with you will be more resolute.’” – 2 Samuel 16:21

This is the advice Athithophel gave Absalom.  Absalom is the brother of Annon, the one who raped his own sister.  Abaslom waited two years to do anything to Annon and then killed him.  Back to the advice.  Sleep with David’s concubines so you can be obnoxious?  Only in the Bible!

“So they pitched a tent for Absalom on the roof, and he slept with his father’s concubines in the sight of all Israel.” – 2 Samuel 16:22

David has a lot of concubines.  Surely Abaslom did not sleep with all of them in one night.  How many nights did it take?

“Now in those days the advice Ahithophel gave was like that of one who inquires of God. That was how both David and Absalom regarded all of Ahithophel’s advice.” – 2 Samuel 16:23

Seriously?  The advice of sleeping with concubines, just to be obnoxious, is the advice of someone who inquires of God?  You must be kidding me!

This chapter is more evidence of the immorality of the Bible.  Advice to sleep with concubines just to be obnoxious?  Wow!  I’ve said it before many times and I’ll say it again many times.  Reading the Bible from cover to cover is the quickest path from Christianity to Atheism.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 17:  Untitled

2 Samuel – Chapter 15: Absalom’s Conspiracy

The story of Absalom, who reunited with David in the previous chapter, continues in 2 Samuel 15.

“And Absalom would add, ‘If only I were appointed judge in the land! Then everyone who has a complaint or case could come to me and I would see that they receive justice.’” – 2 Samuel 15:4

Absalom begins to connive to elevate himself among David’s people.

“Absalom behaved in this way toward all the Israelites who came to the king asking for justice, and so he stole the hearts of the people of Israel.” – 2 Samuel 15:6

Yep, we all know someone like this.  😊

“Then Absalom sent secret messengers throughout the tribes of Israel to say, ‘As soon as you hear the sound of the trumpets, then say, ‘Absalom is king in Hebron.’” – 2 Samuel 15:10

Ruh-roh!  Not what David intended!

“And so the conspiracy gained strength, and Absalom’s following kept on increasing.” – 2 Samuel 15:12

Everyone loves a good conspiracy, right?

“Then David said to all his officials who were with him in Jerusalem, ‘Come! We must flee, or none of us will escape from Absalom. We must leave immediately, or he will move quickly to overtake us and bring ruin on us and put the city to the sword.’” – 2 Samuel 15:14

I didn’t mention the verse, but it is stated in this chapter Absalom only has 200 men with him.  Why is David afraid and fleeing?  Surely David has more than 200 men on his side.

“The king set out, with his entire household following him; but he left ten concubines to take care of the palace.” – 2 Samuel 15:16

Yep, leave the concubines to take care of the house.  Sigh.  And here’s another sigh for the simple fact David has, and God allows David to have, concubines.  Sigh.

“Then the king said to Zadok, ‘Take the ark of God back into the city. If I find favor in the Lord’s eyes, he will bring me back and let me see it and his dwelling place again.’” – 2 Samuel 15:25

This is quite the overreaction to Absalom leaving with 200 men.  Is there really the need to flee and beg to God?

“So Hushai, David’s confidant, arrived at Jerusalem as Absalom was entering the city.” – 2 Samuel 15:37

I just don’t get this chapter.  Sure, Absalom connives to gain power and claims himself king.  Sure, he has the support of many of the Israelites.  Despite this, he only has 200 fighting men, far less than David.  Yet David immediately packs up and flees and allows Absalom to walk in and take Jerusalem without a fight.  This makes no sense!  God loves war and bloodlust!  The evidence in the Bible thus far tells us God will support David in his slaughter of Absalom.  Again, why is David so afraid?

Coming Soon:  Psalm – Chapter 3:  A psalm of David. When he fled from his son Absalom.

2 Samuel – Chapter 14: Absalom Returns to Jerusalem

We continue looking at chapters in 2 Samuel.  The last chapter had a horrible story of a brother raping a sister and nobody, including God, doing anything to the rapist for two years!  Can this chapter top that horribleness?

“The king asked her, “What is troubling you?” She said, ‘I am a widow; my husband is dead. I your servant had two sons. They got into a fight with each other in the field, and no one was there to separate them. One struck the other and killed him. Now the whole clan has risen up against your servant; they say, ‘Hand over the one who struck his brother down, so that we may put him to death for the life of his brother whom he killed; then we will get rid of the heir as well.’ They would put out the only burning coal I have left, leaving my husband neither name nor descendant on the face of the earth.’” – 2 Samuel 14:5-7

This sets the tone for this chapter.

“The king replied, ‘If anyone says anything to you, bring them to me, and they will not bother you again.’ She said, ‘Then let the king invoke the Lord his God to prevent the avenger of blood from adding to the destruction, so that my son will not be destroyed.’” – 2 Samuel 14:10-11

Interesting.  Let’s see how this plays out.

“The woman said, ‘Why then have you devised a thing like this against the people of God? When the king says this, does he not convict himself, for the king has not brought back his banished son? Like water spilled on the ground, which cannot be recovered, so we must die. But that is not what God desires; rather, he devises ways so that a banished person does not remain banished from him.’” – 2 Samuel 14:13-14

This refers to Absalom, who killed Tamar’s rapist, her brother Amnon, in the last chapter.

“The king said to Joab, ‘Very well, I will do it. Go, bring back the young man Absalom.” – 2 Samuel 14:21

This did not take much persuasion on this woman’s part.

“In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him.” – 2 Samuel 14:25

Uh…who gives a shit what Absalom looks like?  Is that really the important part of this story?  Absalom committed murder without trial.  Yes, it was payback to Amnon for raping their sister, but was murder the correct punishment?  In my opinion, no.  So let’s not focus on his appearance.  The only point here is to lift the image of a man who committed murder and that the opposite of what should be done.

“Absalom lived two years in Jerusalem without seeing the king’s face.” – 2 Samuel 14:28

A long time to not see your father, but also probably not that difficult given the size of Jerusalem.

“Then Absalom sent for Joab in order to send him to the king, but Joab refused to come to him. So he sent a second time, but he refused to come. Then he said to his servants, ‘Look, Joab’s field is next to mine, and he has barley there. Go and set it on fire.’ So Absalom’s servants set the field on fire.” – 2 Samuel 14:29-30

Absalom is not a good person.  Joab has every right to refuse to talk to him.  Call it petty if you want, but it’s not worthy of having your fields set on fire!  This is always the problem with the Bible.  Punishments, even if warranted, almost never match the actual crime.

“So Joab went to the king and told him this. Then the king summoned Absalom, and he came in and bowed down with his face to the ground before the king. And the king kissed Absalom.” – 2 Samuel 14:33

This chapter ends with Absalom finally meeting his father, David, after two years.

Although this chapter is not as disgusting as the rape in the previous chapter, it is still a bit disturbing.  The message it sends is that beautiful people should have their demands met.  If not met, the consequences are warranted and potentially deadly.  Is this moral?  Hell no!

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 15:  Absalom’s Conspiracy

2 Samuel – Chapter 13: Amnon and Tamar

After several chapters in the book of Psalms, we now move back to 2 Samuel.

“In the course of time, Amnon son of David fell in love with Tamar, the beautiful sister of Absalom son of David.” – 2 Samuel 13:1

It’s a love story…between brother and sister.  Maybe Tamar is a step-sister, depending on the mother.

“Amnon became so obsessed with his sister Tamar that he made himself ill.” – 2 Samuel 13:2

I was a teenager once, so been there, done that, although not with a sibling!!!  Just want to be clear on that!

“When the king came to see him, Amnon said to him, ‘I would like my sister Tamar to come and make some special bread in my sight, so I may eat from her hand.’” – 2 Samuel 13:6

Okay, that’s a weird request.  Bring me my sister so I can eat from her hand.  Um…

“Then Amnon said to Tamar, ‘Bring the food here into my bedroom so I may eat from your hand.’” – 2 Samuel 13:10

And the story gets creepier.

“But when she took it to him to eat, he grabbed her and said, ‘Come to bed with me, my sister.’” – 2 Samuel 13:11

And now incestual rape is part of the story.

“’No, my brother!’ she said to him. ‘Don’t force me! Such a thing should not be done in Israel! Don’t do this wicked thing.’” – 2 Samuel 13:12

This makes it clear there Tamar has not given her consent.

“But he refused to listen to her, and since he was stronger than she, he raped her.” – 2 Samuel 13:14

It’s official.  Amnon raped his sister, Tamar.  Where is God?  God will surely step in now, right?

“Her brother Absalom said to her, ‘Has that Amnon, your brother, been with you? Be quiet for now, my sister; he is your brother. Don’t take this thing to heart.’” – 2 Samuel 13:20

Don’t take this thing to heart?  WTF?  She was raped!

“When King David heard all this, he was furious.” – 2 Samuel 13:22

David has done many horrible things, but he wasn’t part of this rape and he has every right to be furious.

“Absalom ordered his men, ‘Listen! When Amnon is in high spirits from drinking wine and I say to you, ‘Strike Amnon down,’ then kill him. Don’t be afraid. Haven’t I given you this order? Be strong and brave.’  So Absalom’s men did to Amnon what Absalom had ordered. Then all the king’s sons got up, mounted their mules and fled.” – 2 Samuel 13:28-29

Sigh.  There are several problems with this.  First, killing the rapist is not the solution, regardless of how ‘right’ it may seem.  Second, it is mentioned in the previous verse that this takes place two years after the rape.  Why is punishment, even if the wrong punishment, not doled out immediately?  Why wait two years?

“After Absalom fled and went to Geshur, he stayed there three years.  And King David longed to go to Absalom, for he was consoled concerning Amnon’s death.” – 2 Samuel 13:38-39

This chapter is a horrible story in which a sister is raped by her brother.  Although God has a heavy hand in his relations with David, God does nothing to stop this.  David is rightfully upset, but then does nothing.  Although killing the rapist is the wrong move, in my opinion, David sat by and did nothing.  He had no intention of punishing Amnon, other than being upset with him.  And this is a book of morals?

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 14:  Absalom Returns to Jerusalem

2 Samuel 12:11

Today is Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday!  The verse I’ve chosen comes from the book of 2 Samuel and from the chapter discussed in a post last week.

“Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight.” – 2 Samuel 12:11

God is angry with David for killing a husband and raping the wife.  Did God stop the killing and rape?  Nope.  God sat by and watched, doing nothing.  God decides to punish David and one of the punishments is to take David’s wives and allow them to be raped.  Um…what…the…FUCK!?!?!  The women get raped.  That’s David’s punishment.  This is God!  He’s supposed to be all-knowing!  How is it not possible that part of that all-knowing does not involve coming up with a punishment that doesn’t punish the innocent?  This leads us to two and only two options.  Either God is truly stupid or there is no god!

2 Samuel – Chapter 12: Nathan Rebukes David

In our last chapter, David killed a woman’s husband, raped her, and all of this was allowed by God, who seemed to feel just a tad bit guilty afterwards.  Too late for the woman and her husband, however.  Is it possible for this chapter to be more disgusting?  You never know with the Bible.  When you think you’ve hit the most disgusting part, the Bible accepts the challenge and offers something more disgusting.

“Now a traveler came to the rich man, but the rich man refrained from taking one of his own sheep or cattle to prepare a meal for the traveler who had come to him. Instead, he took the ewe lamb that belonged to the poor man and prepared it for the one who had come to him.” – 2 Samuel 12:4

A dick move by the rich man, but not any different than how many of the rich treat the poor today.

“Then Nathan said to David, ‘You are the man! This is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: ‘I anointed you king over Israel, and I delivered you from the hand of Saul.  I gave your master’s house to you, and your master’s wives into your arms. I gave you all Israel and Judah. And if all this had been too little, I would have given you even more.  Why did you despise the word of the Lord by doing what is evil in his eyes? You struck down Uriah the Hittite with the sword and took his wife to be your own. You killed him with the sword of the Ammonites.  Now, therefore, the sword will never depart from your house, because you despised me and took the wife of Uriah the Hittite to be your own.’” – 2 Samuel 12:7-10

Please, please, do not give God credit for striking back against David’s evil actions.  God has guided David in the killing of thousands, if not tens to hundreds of thousands of people.  God could have easily stopped David from killing Uriah, but sat by and did nothing.  God deserves no credit now.  We also see in these verses how God takes women and forces them to be one of David’s many wives.  Again, God deserves no credit.

“Before your very eyes I will take your wives and give them to one who is close to you, and he will sleep with your wives in broad daylight.” – 2 Samuel 12:11

God punishes David by taking his wives and having them raped?  WTF?!?!  How horrible is this god?

“Nathan replied, ‘The Lord has taken away your sin. You are not going to die. But because by doing this you have shown utter contempt for the Lord, the son born to you will die.’” – 2 Samuel 12:13-14

Great for David that he’s not going to die, but what about the hundreds of thousands who have already died by the hands of David.  Again, God’s punishment to David is to harm someone else.  David’s son will now die?  Is this punishing David or the son?  What a fucking stupid god.

“On the seventh day the child died.” – 2 Samuel 12:18

Not only did God kill the child, he made the child suffer for seven days before killing him.  God is a disgusting being who should never be worshipped by anyone.

“Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon. The Lord loved him; and because the Lord loved him, he sent word through Nathan the prophet to name him Jedidiah.” – 2 Samuel 12:24-25

Now that God has satisfied his taste for baby blood, he can love a child again.  Fuck you God.

“So David mustered the entire army and went to Rabbah, and attacked and captured it.” – 2 Samuel 12:29

The baby killing is done.  Time to kill some adults.  WTF?!?!

“David took a great quantity of plunder from the city and brought out the people who were there, consigning them to labor with saws and with iron picks and axes, and he made them work at brickmaking.” – 2 Samuel 12:30-31

Killing isn’t enough for David and God.  Slavery must be included too.

What a fucking disgusting chapter.  I thought the last chapter was horrible, but this one tops that.  Killing of babies.  Killing of adults.  Slavery.  Suffering.  A book of morals?  If that’s your stance, stay away because you are truly a messed up individual.

Coming Soon:  1 Chronicles – Chapter 20:  The Capture of Rabbah

2 Samuel – Chapter 11: David and Bathsheba

Today we return to 2 Samuel after discussing several chapters in Psalms.  In our last look in 2 Samuel, David had his armies kill the armies of another group because this other army took off the pants of David’s army.  I kid you not.  This is actually what the Bible says!  Can this chapter be any crazier?  I doubt it can top a taking off of an army’s pants, but you never know!

“They destroyed the Ammonites and besieged Rabbah.” – 2 Samuel 11:1

Not necessarily crazier yet, but just as bloody as the previous chapter in 2 Samuel.

“From the roof he saw a woman bathing.  The woman was very beautiful, and David sent someone to find out about her.” – 2 Samuel 11:2-3

The truth comes out.  David is a peeping Tom.

“Then David sent messengers to get her.  She came to him, and he slept with her.  Then she went back home.” – 2 Samuel 11:4

David receives a booty call, but was there consent?  Did this woman have a choice in the matter?  We don’t know for sure, but we know God allows rape without punishment.  Or rather without an appropriate punishment.  Paying a few shekels to the father of a raped woman is NOT a punishment.  This woman was married to Uriah, so I’m guessing she was raped.  David impregnates the woman and then sets forth with plans to get rid of Uriah.

“In the morning David wrote a letter to Joab and set it with Uriah.  In it he wrote, ‘Put Uriah out in the front where the fighting is fiercest.  Then withdraw from him so he will be struck down and die’” – 2 Samuel 11:14-15

OMG!?!?!  God’s chosen leader of the Israelites is conspiring to have the husband of the woman he raped murdered.  And yet God does nothing.  The god of the Bible is NOT good.

“…Uriah the Hittite died.” – 2 Samuel 11:17

David’s plan was a success.  God could have stopped this awful murder, but sat by and did nothing.

“After the time of mourning was over, David had her brought to his house, and she became his wife and bore him a son.  But the thing David had done displeased the Lord.” – 2 Samuel 11:27

Holy shit!  Did this woman have a choice in the marriage?  I highly doubt it.  If David had her husband murdered, I guarantee he didn’t give her a choice.  God is displeased.  WTF?  He KNEW this was happening and did nothing to stop it.  God is displeased?  That’s more disgusting since it came after the fact.  God allowed this murder to happen and is guiltier than David.  A book of morals?  No fucking way.

Wow!  What a disgusting chapter that clearly shows the evil of the god of the Bible.  How can anyone read the Bible and call it a book of morals?  Anyone who considers this book moral is a very disturbed individual.

Coming Soon:  2 Samuel – Chapter 12:  Nathan Rebukes David

2 Samuel 10:4 and 1 Chronicles 19:4

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday is just a tiny bit different in that it looks at two verses in separate chapters, 2 Samuel and 1 Chronicles.  The two chapters are very, very similar in nature and often have verses that are a direct copy.  I’ve selected two verses that start a story that is so ‘moral’ it was repeated twice in the Bible.  I discussed one of these chapters in yesterday’s post and the other chapter in last Friday’s post.

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved them, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 1 Chronicles 19:4

“So Hanun seized David’s envoys, shaved off half of each man’s beard, cut off their garments at the buttocks, and sent them away.” – 2 Samuel 10:4

The only difference in the two verses is the percentage of beard that was shaved off the men.  The part that I wish to point out is the taking of pants by one army from another.  Um, this is supposed to be a book of morals, according to Christians, yet the story of one army losing their pants is repeated twice!  Now that’s some crazy in the Bible.

It gets even crazier as David’s army then goes on to kill the army that took their pants!  Is killing the justified response to getting de-pants?  According to the Bible it is…TWICE!