Romans 6:4

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday.  The last two weeks of Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday focused on zombies, so let me continue the zombie theme this week (and likely for a few more weeks).

“We were therefore buried with him through baptism into death in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead through the glory of the Father, we too may live a new life.” – Romans 6:4

This verse is not referring to the literal rising of the dead, but the symbolic rising of those who are “born again” in the name of Christ.  Christians refer to baptism as fully accepting Jesus into their lives and are therefore “born again”.  Depending on the church, some baptisms do not take place until the teenage years, after a child has had time to think about Jesus.  It’s still very questionable that a teenager fully understands what baptism means, but it makes more sense than churches who baptize children as babies.  A baby has no say in the matter and knows jack shit about Jesus.

 

Anyways, back to this verse.  All those “born again” Christians out there are symbolic zombies!  I’d argue some of them who have no ability to critically think are also literal zombies, but that’s an argument for another day.

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Matthew 27:51-53

Last week for Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday I posted a verse on zombies in the Bible, in celebration of Halloween.  It’s a week after Halloween, but I think today deserves another verse on zombies.

“And behold, the curtain of the temple was torn in two, from top to bottom. And the earth shook, and the rocks were split. The tombs also were opened. And many bodies of the saints who had fallen asleep were raised, and coming out of the tombs after his resurrection they went into the holy city and appeared to many.” – Matthew 27:51-53”

This happens just after the death of Jesus on the cross.  Jesus dies and zombies rise!!!  LOL!  You can’t make this shit up.  It’s in the Bible and Christians across the world believe the dead literally rose and started walking the Earth.  Not all Christians, mind you.  Many are skeptical enough to know the dead did not rise and become zombies.  They still believe Jesus rose from the dead, but at least they don’t believe the other dead rose.  Too many Christians, however, literally believe zombies walked the land.  Why?  Because the Bible, a book written by random men, says so.  No skeptical thought at all!  Any skeptical thinking will lead you to conclude zombies did not walk the land.

1 Kings 17:21

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday AND Halloween!!!  To celebrate the occasion, let’s look at a verse that is very Halloween-esque.

“Then he (Elijah) stretched himself out on the boy three times and cried out to the Lord, “Lord my God, let this boy’s life return to him!” – 1 Kings 17:21

A dead child is raised from the dead!!!  A miracle?  Of course not!  This clearly did not happen.  The dead do not rise.  Zombie movies are great, but believing in zombies in real life is another issue.  You can’t bring people back from the dead.  You can’t do it now and you couldn’t do it in Biblical times.  Maybe, just maybe, the people of biblical times loved Halloween!

Exodus 16:35

Today is Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and I’ve selected a verse promoting bad science (or just plain ridiculousness) in the book of Exodus.  Exodus describes the journey of the Israelites out of Egypt to Canaan, a journey that took 40 years.

“The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.” – Exodus 16:35

How far is it from Egypt to Canaan?  About 380 miles according to biblical scholars.  This is a lengthy distance to walk, but not when you have 40 years to do it!  Let’s do a bit of math to put this in perspective.  With 365 days per year, this is 14,600 days, meaning one needs to walk just 0.026 miles per day to do this.  This is 137 feet per day.  That’s it!!!  Even someone super sick with the flu probably walks more than 137 feet per day just going from the bed to the toilet to throw up!

What does this all mean?  The “long” journey from Egypt to Canaan over 40 years is pure bullshit.  However, if you google “distance from Egypt to Canaan” the first image that pops up is:

Canaan

So if Canaan, Connecticut is the Canaan the biblical authors are referring to, than I can see how 40 years is appropriate.  But we know this is Canaan in the Middle East and not Canaan in the United States.

Revelation 8:10

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse is a great example of bad science in the Bible.

“The third angel sounded his trumpet, and a great star, blazing like a torch, fell from the sky on a third of the rivers and on the springs of water.” Revelation 8:10

How do we know this is bad science?  Well, for starters, we’re still here.  If a star fell from the sky and struck Earth, Earth would be completely vaporized and wiped from existence.  It’s that simple!  Consider the Sun.  The Sun is so big that it would take 1.3 million Earths to fill it.  Wow!  And some stars are bigger than the Sun.  Earth stands no chance against a star.  Sure, a third of rivers and springs on all of Earth being destroyed sounds destructive, but it’s not compared to what a star would really do, which is completely wipe out the Earth.  Come on God, you’re supposed to be all-knowing!  Did you flunk 4th grade science?

1 Kings 17:21

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday AND Halloween!!!  To celebrate the occasion, let’s look at a verse that is very Halloween-esque.

“Then he (Elijah) stretched himself out on the boy three times and cried out to the Lord, “Lord my God, let this boy’s life return to him!” – 1 Kings 17:21

A dead child is raised from the dead!!!  A miracle?  Of course not!  This clearly did not happen.  The dead do not rise.  Zombie movies are great, but believing in zombies in real life is another issue.  You can’t bring people back from the dead.  You can’t do it now and you couldn’t do it in Biblical times.  Maybe, just maybe, the people of biblical times loved Halloween!

Exodus 22:20

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today I’ve selected a verse from the book of Exodus that shows us God lacks all intelligence.

“Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the Lord must be destroyed.” – Exodus 22:20

Let’s consider for a moment that the god of the Bible is real.  This verse makes it crystal clear that anyone sacrificing to other gods must be destroyed.  In other words, if you worship anyone other than God, you are to be put to death.  Now consider children who were taught a religion other than God.  God says these children are to be killed for worshiping the religion they were taught.  Is this fair?  Hell no!  God is punishing, by death, children, who through no fault of their own, are worshiping the incorrect god.  An all-knowing god should know this right?  Not this god.  Thus this is not an all-knowing god and very likely does not exist.