2 Samuel 12:24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and Today’s verse is on the topic of sex.

“Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and he went to her and made love to her. She gave birth to a son, and they named him Solomon.” – 2 Samuel 12:24

At first glance there is nothing wrong with this verse. Set aside the fact David had multiple wives and concubines, it is perfectly normal for a husband and wife to have sex and become pregnant. The difference here is the context. This is immediately after their son is killed. David has sex with his wife to comfort her over her dead son. For fuck’s sake. Making a baby isn’t the same as picking out the next dog when yours dies. Biblical romance. 🙂

1 Samuel 5:6

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday. Christians describe their god as a loving god who is slow to anger. Slow to anger? He killed off the entire population except for Noah’s family in a flood and then forced them to have incestual sex with each other to re-populate the Earth. Then there’s this, from 1 Samuel 5.

“The Lord’s hand was heavy on the people of Ashdod and its vicinity; he brought devastation on them and afflicted them with tumors.” – 1 Samuel 5:6

God gets pissy and gives the people tumors. But God loves you. Don’t ever forget that. He loves you so much that he sends his love in the form of tumors that will destroy your body and kill you with his love. 🙂

Exodus 22:24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse is a reminder that God loves you and will always love you.

“My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.” – Exodus 22:24

God loves you so much that he has no choice but to kill you if you anger him. This is what we call a domestic abuser and murderer. 

Malachi 1:3

Sometimes God is just ridiculous, thus the need for a Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday post each week.

“but Esau I have hated, and I have turned his hill country into a wasteland and left his inheritance to the desert jackals.” – Malachi 1:3

Well there goes Esau’s inheritance! My favorite part about this verse is that in the King James Version of the Bible, desert jackals is replaced with ‘dragons of the wilderness’. Dragons in the Bible! 🙂

1 Peter 3:1-2

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse is a heavy dose of misogyny.

“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives.” – 1 Peter 3:1-2

Wives are to submit to their husbands so that when a husband does not believe the word of God, the wife’s submission to the husband’s every desire and need will help him see God. Seriously? If God is so good, why can’t the husbands do the right thing on their own? A woman has to give up her desires and ambitions in life so her husband can see God? Fuck that shit.

Matthew 1:1

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today I’ve chosen the first verse in the New Testament.

“This is the genealogy of Jesus the Messiah the son of David, the son of Abraham:” – Matthew 1:1

Why is this crazy? Well, it assumes there is a known genealogy of Jesus. It assumes a Jesus existed when there isn’t strong evidence that is the case. It assumes we have evidence the ancestors of Jesus, if he existed, existed. It assumes we have records, other than the Bible, that any of this ancestor list is true. You’d have to believe a donkey can talk in order to believe this genealogy presented in the Bible is correct.

Revelation 22:21

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday! Last week I looked at the first verse in the Bible, so this week I look at the last verse in the Bible.

“The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen.” – Revelation 22:21

Why is this crazy? Let’s start with the fact Christians say that God and Jesus are the same god, but Jesus is God’s son that God sent to Earth to be crucified so that God could have his son, and therefore himself, atone for all of man’s sins that God himself created. Yeah, that’s crazy. Then let’s look at how awful both God and Jesus are in the Bible. Even Jesus says to cast away your family for him. Not a friendly dude. So no, let’s not have the grade of Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Sigh.