1 Kings 11:3

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and you can add today’s verse to the category of WTF.

“He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray.” – 1 Kings 11:3

There are a couple of things to digest in this verse.  To start, 700 wives?  Seriously?  You can have sex every day of the year and it would still take you the better part of the year to get through all 700 wives.  Then you have 300 concubines?  At what point does it become too much?  This is just ridiculous, and let’s not forget, all of it is God approved.

Second, his wives led him astray?  You have 700 wives!  And 300 concubines!  You led yourself astray you idiot!!!

Sigh.  Biblical values.  Lots of wives, add some concubines, then blame the wives that you have concubines.  A book of morality this is not.

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Ezekiel 1:4-5

Aliens in the Bible?  There are plenty of instances of zombies in the Bible so aliens would not be surprising.  Thus for Tuesday’s Crazy Bible verse I’ve pulled one indicating the existence of aliens coming to earth.

“I looked, and I saw a windstorm coming out of the north—an immense cloud with flashing lightning and surrounded by brilliant light. The center of the fire looked like glowing metal, and in the fire was what looked like four living creatures.” – Ezekiel 1:4-5

Four living creatures in the sky?  I don’t know, but maybe, just maybe Ezekiel saw BIRDS!?!?!  Just like the crazies who say they are abducted by aliens today, Ezekiel is crazy in this verse when he claims alien creatures have visited.

Revelation 17:16

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and for the second week in a row I’ve pulled a verse from the last book of the Bible, Revelation.

“The beast and the ten horns you saw will hate the prostitute. They will bring her to ruin and leave her naked; they will eat her flesh and burn her with fire.” – Revelation 17:16

Um…okay.  A beast with ten horns is going to come down and eat the flush and burn a prostitute?  Murderers, rapists, and child abusers…meh.  But prostitutes?  Bring out the ten horned beast to eat her flesh!!!  Seriously Christians?  You believe this shit?  Sigh.

Revelation 22:18-19

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s two verses basically state that anyone who alters the Bible will go to Hell.  Hmmm.

“I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll. And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll.” – Revelation 22:18-19

There are only two verses after this in the Bible.  The two above make it clear you are not to alter the Bible in any way, which is interesting given the chapters in the Bible were picked over others that were left out.  Even more interesting when you see that different versions of the Bible have different ways of saying things and some chapters are even different!  And what does this mean for interpretation?  Interpret it the wrong way and you go to Hell?  Hmm.  My takeaway is these verses just go to show the ridiculousness of the Bible.  Very little of it makes sense, including a couple of the very last verses in the book.

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s two verses basically state that anyone who alters the Bible will go to Hell.  Hmmm.

 

“I warn everyone who hears the words of the prophecy of this scroll: If anyone adds anything to them, God will add to that person the plagues described in this scroll. And if anyone takes words away from this scroll of prophecy, God will take away from that person any share in the tree of life and in the Holy City, which are described in this scroll.” – Revelation 22:18-19

 

There are only two verses after this in the Bible.  The two above make it clear you are not to alter the Bible in any way, which is interesting given the chapters in the Bible were picked over others that were left out.  Even more interesting when you see that different versions of the Bible have different ways of saying things and some chapters are even different!  And what does this mean for interpretation?  Interpret it the wrong way and you go to Hell?  Hmm.  My takeaway is these verses just go to show the ridiculousness of the Bible.  Very little of it makes sense, including a couple of the very last verses in the book.

Ephesians 6:5

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse comes from the book of Ephesians and makes it clear that slavery is supported in the Bible.

“Slaves, obey your earthly masters with respect and fear, and with sincerity of heart, just as you would obey Christ.” – Ephesians 6:5

Not only are there slaves, but these slaves must obey their masters with respect and fear.  WTF?!?!?  This is one of many verses on slaves in the Bible and these verses make it clear that the supposedly all-perfect God supports and wants you to have slaves.  What does this say about the god of the Bible?  Is God worthy of your worship if he demands some people be slaves?  Nope.

And to the apologists out there who will reply back with “but we are all slaves to our jobs,” just shut up.  You know that’s not what this means.  This is clearly the enslavement of one human to do the will of another, no questions asked.

Genesis 4:3-5

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and nothing is crazier than a God who gets mad at someone doesn’t sacrifice the correct item.

“In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor.” – Genesis 4:3-5

Most everyone knows of the story of Cain and Abel.  Both bring a sacrifice to God, but God is not pleased with the fruits and veggies.  God’s a meat kind of guy.  WTF???  The white nationalist Christians will take the story of Cain and Abel and say that all blacks are the descendants of Cain, and given Cain’s crime, blacks are inferior to whites.  Like I said.  Fucking crazy.

2 Samuel 14:25-26

Today’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday was found by taking a look at the Skeptic’s Annotated Bible section on ‘Science’.

“In all Israel there was not a man so highly praised for his handsome appearance as Absalom. From the top of his head to the sole of his foot there was no blemish in him. Whenever he cut the hair of his head—he used to cut his hair once a year because it became too heavy for him—he would weigh it, and its weight was two hundred shekels by the royal standard.” – 2 Samuel 14:25-26

How heavy is 200 shekels?  Turns out it is equivalent to 5 pounds.  That’s a lot of added weight on your head!  A human head weighs 10 pounds, so supposedly this man had an additional 50% weight permanently added to his head.  Guess what?  This didn’t happen.  He’d have extreme trouble holding up his head and have severe neck/muscle pain.  For comparison’s sake, a full head of long hair will weigh about a half of a pound.

Once again, the Bible fails at the truth.  You can have a lot of hair on your head that weighs well under a pound.  There’s no need to exaggerate to ridiculous levels and say there was a head of hair weighing 5 pounds.  Sheesh.