Exodus 12:12

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today we take a look back in the Old Testament which is filled with all sorts of juicy verses that make zero sense.

“On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn of both people and animals, and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the Lord.” – Exodus 12:12

Think about this for a bit. God is going to kill all of the firstborn people and animals in Egypt because the Egyptians are causing harm to the Israelites. Why are the Egyptians causing harm? Because God hardened their hearts and is forcing them to cause harm.

On top of that nonsense, God is going to kill a bunch of innocent people and animals. Why the animals? Among those people will be young children and babies. God, the baby killer.

Exodus 4:11

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and God is great! Right? Right?!?!!????? Well, let’s see what today’s verse says about the greatness of God.

“The Lord said to him, ‘Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?’” – Exodus 4:11

God is so great that he chooses to give people disabilities. You know what, God? Go fuck yourself.

Exodus 22:24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse is a reminder that God loves you and will always love you.

“My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.” – Exodus 22:24

God loves you so much that he has no choice but to kill you if you anger him. This is what we call a domestic abuser and murderer. 

Exodus 9:23-24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today we have some anti-science.

“So the Lord rained hail on the land of Egypt; hail fell and lightning flashed back and forth. It was the worst storm in all the land of Egypt since it had become a nation.” – Exodus 9:23-24

For starters, the Lord doesn’t rain down hail.  Hail is just solid precipitation and it rains all the time.  The other crazy part of this verse is the difference between the NIV and KJV versions.

“So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous, such as there was none like it in all the land of Egypt since it became a nation.” – Exodus 9:24

The hail is on fire?  Um…no.  More anti-science from a group of men wanting to control the masses for their own personal gain.

Exodus 16:35

Today is Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and I’ve selected a verse promoting bad science (or just plain ridiculousness) in the book of Exodus.  Exodus describes the journey of the Israelites out of Egypt to Canaan, a journey that took 40 years.

“The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.” – Exodus 16:35

How far is it from Egypt to Canaan?  About 380 miles according to biblical scholars.  This is a lengthy distance to walk, but not when you have 40 years to do it!  Let’s do a bit of math to put this in perspective.  With 365 days per year, this is 14,600 days, meaning one needs to walk just 0.026 miles per day to do this.  This is 137 feet per day.  That’s it!!!  Even someone super sick with the flu probably walks more than 137 feet per day just going from the bed to the toilet to throw up!

What does this all mean?  The “long” journey from Egypt to Canaan over 40 years is pure bullshit.  However, if you google “distance from Egypt to Canaan” the first image that pops up is:


So if Canaan, Connecticut is the Canaan the biblical authors are referring to, than I can see how 40 years is appropriate.  But we know this is Canaan in the Middle East and not Canaan in the United States.

Exodus 22:20

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today I’ve selected a verse from the book of Exodus that shows us God lacks all intelligence.

“Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the Lord must be destroyed.” – Exodus 22:20

Let’s consider for a moment that the god of the Bible is real.  This verse makes it crystal clear that anyone sacrificing to other gods must be destroyed.  In other words, if you worship anyone other than God, you are to be put to death.  Now consider children who were taught a religion other than God.  God says these children are to be killed for worshiping the religion they were taught.  Is this fair?  Hell no!  God is punishing, by death, children, who through no fault of their own, are worshiping the incorrect god.  An all-knowing god should know this right?  Not this god.  Thus this is not an all-knowing god and very likely does not exist.

Exodus 21:22-25

It’s Crazy Bible verse Tuesday and today we take a look at a selection of verses that suggest God is not pro-life but instead pro-choice.

“If people are fighting and hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman’s husband demands and the court allows.  But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise.” – Exodus 21:22-25

Interesting.  The punishment for injuries that result in a miscarriage is a simple fine.  The punishment for further hurting the woman is an eye for an eye, etc.  This suggests God finds harm to an actual human person more deserving of punishment than that of a fetus.  These verses are not really crazy, although I disagree on the death penalty as a punishment and disagree with any punishment for an abortion in which there is consent.  Instead these verses offer a suggested consequence level based on the crime.  Pro-lifers wanting to ban abortion should read their Bible.  It is not the anti-abortion book they think it is.

Exodus 22:18

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse is definitely crazy!

“Do not allow a sorceress to live.” – Exodus 22:18

Um…sorceresses don’t exist.  They are make believe!  But leave it to a make believe god to argue for the existence of another make believe fictional character.  LOL!  Here’s the other crazy thing about this verse.  It’s misogynistic.  What about the sorcerers?  The male make believe fictional characters?  I guess God says it’s okay for the male magic people to continue to live.  The Bible is full of misogyny even when discussing the non-existent.  Sigh.

Exodus 35:2

Today’s crazy Bible verse comes from the book of Exodus, a book filled with a great amount of crazy!

“For six days, work is to be done, but the seventh day shall be your holy day, a day of sabbath rest to the Lord. Whoever does any work on it is to be put to death.” – Exodus 35:2

Don’t you dare work on the seventh day!!!  Working on the day of rest is punishable by death!  Think about that for a second.  It’s not murder.  It’s not rape.  It’s not slaughter of children.  All of these are crimes that are often excused by God in the Bible.  But working on the seventh day?  DEATH!!!

Fortunately today’s society doesn’t put to death people who work on the Sabbath.  Why not?  Because humans are more moral than the god of the Bible.

Review of Exodus

I started discussing the book of Exodus with Chapter 1 on June 24, 2015 and recently finished up with Chapter 40 on September 23, 2015.  Three months for a 40 chapter book?  Not too shabby!  Before moving on to Leviticus let me spent a few minutes on a review of Exodus.  To put it simply, Exodus is the story of God commanding Moses to lead the Israelites out of Egypt into the promised land.  The Egyptians are treating the Israelites horribly and refuse to let the Israelites leave, or so many Christians will tell you.  If you actually read the Bible, however, the Pharaoh of Egypt allowed Moses and the Israelites to leave many times.  Each time, however, God hardened the Pharaoh’s heart, making the Pharaoh treat the Israelites as slaves.  Would the Pharaoh have let the Israelites go had God not hardened his heart?  We’ll never know.  What we do know however is that God needed to harden the Pharaoh’s heart for a reason.  The story isn’t as interesting if the Israelites are allowed to leave Egypt in chapter 1.

Eventually God brings so much harm and destruction to the people of Egypt that the Pharaoh allows the Israelites to leave.  Many innocent Egyptians were killed.  Okay, maybe they weren’t innocent at the time, but God is the one who hardened their hearts into sinning.  They didn’t harden their hearts themselves.  After leaving, the Israelites continue to suffer.  God isn’t the loving character people make Him out to be.  God only speaks to Moses, even after saying He would reveal Himself.  He never does reveal Himself unless you consider fog to be God in disguise.

Oh, and let’s not forget the ten commandments.  Of course, there weren’t really ten commandments.  There were many, many commandments God commanded of the Israelites.  The first set of tablets was destroyed by Moses, and God commanded him to create a second set.  The second set contained all that was on the first set, but also had several other laws added, including, and I kid you not, don’t cook a young goat in its mother’s milk.  I know we’ve all been guilty of that one from time to time, so just spend an evening praying for forgiveness and all will be okay.  🙂  Maybe the next time right wing Christians take control of a local government and illegally put a statue of the commandments up it will include the one on cooking a young goat.  Just saying.

Much of the latter half of Exodus is nothing but God telling the Israelites to build stuff and move stuff in specific places.  God seems less interested in helping the Israelites and more interested in having fancy stuff built for Him.  Who cares that the people are suffering if God has a gold altar, am I right?  🙂

Moses and the Israelites are not done yet.  Their story continues in the Book of Leviticus.