Exodus 12:12

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today we take a look back in the Old Testament which is filled with all sorts of juicy verses that make zero sense.

“On that same night I will pass through Egypt and strike down every firstborn of both people and animals, and I will bring judgment on all the gods of Egypt. I am the Lord.” – Exodus 12:12

Think about this for a bit. God is going to kill all of the firstborn people and animals in Egypt because the Egyptians are causing harm to the Israelites. Why are the Egyptians causing harm? Because God hardened their hearts and is forcing them to cause harm.

On top of that nonsense, God is going to kill a bunch of innocent people and animals. Why the animals? Among those people will be young children and babies. God, the baby killer.

Exodus 4:11

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and God is great! Right? Right?!?!!????? Well, let’s see what today’s verse says about the greatness of God.

“The Lord said to him, ‘Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord?’” – Exodus 4:11

God is so great that he chooses to give people disabilities. You know what, God? Go fuck yourself.

Exodus 22:24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today’s verse is a reminder that God loves you and will always love you.

“My anger will be aroused, and I will kill you with the sword; your wives will become widows and your children fatherless.” – Exodus 22:24

God loves you so much that he has no choice but to kill you if you anger him. This is what we call a domestic abuser and murderer. 

Exodus 9:23-24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today we have some anti-science.

“So the Lord rained hail on the land of Egypt; hail fell and lightning flashed back and forth. It was the worst storm in all the land of Egypt since it had become a nation.” – Exodus 9:23-24

For starters, the Lord doesn’t rain down hail.  Hail is just solid precipitation and it rains all the time.  The other crazy part of this verse is the difference between the NIV and KJV versions.

“So there was hail, and fire mingled with the hail, very grievous, such as there was none like it in all the land of Egypt since it became a nation.” – Exodus 9:24

The hail is on fire?  Um…no.  More anti-science from a group of men wanting to control the masses for their own personal gain.

Exodus 16:35

Today is Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and I’ve selected a verse promoting bad science (or just plain ridiculousness) in the book of Exodus.  Exodus describes the journey of the Israelites out of Egypt to Canaan, a journey that took 40 years.

“The Israelites ate manna forty years, until they came to a land that was settled; they ate manna until they reached the border of Canaan.” – Exodus 16:35

How far is it from Egypt to Canaan?  About 380 miles according to biblical scholars.  This is a lengthy distance to walk, but not when you have 40 years to do it!  Let’s do a bit of math to put this in perspective.  With 365 days per year, this is 14,600 days, meaning one needs to walk just 0.026 miles per day to do this.  This is 137 feet per day.  That’s it!!!  Even someone super sick with the flu probably walks more than 137 feet per day just going from the bed to the toilet to throw up!

What does this all mean?  The “long” journey from Egypt to Canaan over 40 years is pure bullshit.  However, if you google “distance from Egypt to Canaan” the first image that pops up is:

Canaan

So if Canaan, Connecticut is the Canaan the biblical authors are referring to, than I can see how 40 years is appropriate.  But we know this is Canaan in the Middle East and not Canaan in the United States.

Exodus 22:20

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today I’ve selected a verse from the book of Exodus that shows us God lacks all intelligence.

“Whoever sacrifices to any god other than the Lord must be destroyed.” – Exodus 22:20

Let’s consider for a moment that the god of the Bible is real.  This verse makes it crystal clear that anyone sacrificing to other gods must be destroyed.  In other words, if you worship anyone other than God, you are to be put to death.  Now consider children who were taught a religion other than God.  God says these children are to be killed for worshiping the religion they were taught.  Is this fair?  Hell no!  God is punishing, by death, children, who through no fault of their own, are worshiping the incorrect god.  An all-knowing god should know this right?  Not this god.  Thus this is not an all-knowing god and very likely does not exist.

Exodus 21:22-25

It’s Crazy Bible verse Tuesday and today we take a look at a selection of verses that suggest God is not pro-life but instead pro-choice.

“If people are fighting and hit a pregnant woman and she gives birth prematurely but there is no serious injury, the offender must be fined whatever the woman’s husband demands and the court allows.  But if there is serious injury, you are to take life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, bruise for bruise.” – Exodus 21:22-25

Interesting.  The punishment for injuries that result in a miscarriage is a simple fine.  The punishment for further hurting the woman is an eye for an eye, etc.  This suggests God finds harm to an actual human person more deserving of punishment than that of a fetus.  These verses are not really crazy, although I disagree on the death penalty as a punishment and disagree with any punishment for an abortion in which there is consent.  Instead these verses offer a suggested consequence level based on the crime.  Pro-lifers wanting to ban abortion should read their Bible.  It is not the anti-abortion book they think it is.