Review of Jonah

I finished the last chapter of Jonah a few days ago, so let me provide a quick recap of this book before moving back to 2 Kings.

Jonah was a short book, consisting of only four chapters. The book starts with Jonah refusing to preach against evil to the people. Jonah flees, but God catches him, has him tossed from a boat and swallowed by a large fish. Jonah then survives three days and nights inside the belly of this fish. The fish then vomits up Jonah, who is still living. Jonah then goes out and preaches against evil.

Yes, it is that crazy! Swallowed by a fish and survived for three days ROFL! God is all-powerful and can easily get people to preach against evil. In fact, God could just do away with evil by a quick snap of his make believe fingers! Instead, God has a fish eat and vomit up Jonah. SMFH.

Jonah – Chapter 4: Jonah’s Anger at the Lord’s Compassion

Today we have the last chapter in the book of Jonah.

“But to Jonah this seemed very wrong, and he became angry.” – Jonah 4:1

Jonah is upset God is forgiving the people…or maybe he’s just mad he had to sit inside a fish for three days!

“I knew that you are a gracious and compassionate God, slow to anger and abounding in love, a God who relents from sending calamity.” – Jonah 4:2

Slow to anger? He put you in a fish’s belly for fuck’s sake!

“Then the Lord God provided a leafy plant and made it grow up over Jonah to give shade for his head to ease his discomfort, and Jonah was very happy about the plant. But at dawn the next day God provided a worm, which chewed the plant so that it withered. When the sun rose, God provided a scorching east wind, and the sun blazed on Jonah’s head so that he grew faint. He wanted to die,and said, ‘It would be better for me to die than to live.’” – Jonah 4:6-8

Seriously? A plant just suddenly grows over your head and is then eaten by worms. Sigh. Maybe God forced Jonah to sit in the same spot for three months and the plant grew at a normal rate.

“But the Lord said, ‘You have been concerned about this plant, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight.  And should I not have concern for the great city of Nineveh,in which there are more than a hundred and twenty thousand people who cannot tell their right hand from their left—and also many animals?’” – Jonah 4:10-11

No God, you should not have this concern. You are the one who caused the people pain and suffering. You can’t suddenly be concerned for them when you are the one causing this harm!

Thus ends the book of Jonah. Jonah is swallowed by a fish, vomited up by the fish, and then tells a bunch of people to put on a sackcloth. You know, typical Biblical morals. 🙂

Coming Soon: 2 Kings – Chapter 15: Azariah King of Judah

Jonah – Chapter 3: Jonah Goes to Nineveh

Now that Jonah has been vomited back out of the fish, we get to see what he decides to do with his life.

“Jonah obeyed the word of the Lord and went to Nineveh.” – Jonah 3:3

God’s way is to put great fear in you so you do what he wants. This is the definition of child abuse.

“Jonah began by going a day’s journey into the city, proclaiming, ‘Forty more days and Nineveh will be overthrown.’ The Ninevites believed God. A fast was proclaimed, and all of them, from the greatest to the least, put on sackcloth.” – Jonah 3:4-5

And God gets ready to destroy more people’s lives, but thankfully the people put on a sackcloth. That will protect them from God’s wrath! LOL!

“Do not let people or animals, herds or flocks, taste anything; do not let them eat or drink. But let people and animals be covered with sackcloth. Let everyone call urgently on God. Let them give up their evil ways and their violence. Who knows? God may yet relent and with compassion turn from his fierce anger so that we will not perish.” – Jonah 3:7-9

And now the people can’t eat or drink? This is the work of a dictator suppressing and literally killing the people.

“When God saw what they did and how they turned from their evil ways, he relented and did not bring on them the destruction he had threatened.” – Jonah 3:10

The people had to starve and dehydrate themselves before God would listen. What an awful god!

That concludes this chapter. God is back to punishing the masses for no reason.

Coming Soon: Jonah – Chapter 4: Jonah’s Anger at the Lord’s Compassion

Jonah – Chapter 2: Jonah’s Prayer

We ended the last chapter of Jonah by seeing Jonah swallowed by a big fish and surviving for 3 days. I know, crazy, but just go with it. 🙂

“From inside the fish Jonah prayed to the Lord his God.” – Jonah 2:1

Given God caused this, the appropriate action is to curse at God.

“But you, Lord my God, brought my life up from the pit.” – Jonah 2:6

Sorry Jonah, but God forcing you into a fish’s belly is the very definition of sending you to a pit, not lifting you up.

“And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.” – Jonah 2:10

JFC. Vomited from the fish? This god is a sick and disgusting higher being. Or…wait for it…he doesn’t exist!!!

That concludes this short chapter. Jonah was swallowed by a fish, survived for three days, and then vomited back up. Yummy.

Coming Soon: Jonah – Chapter 3: Jonah Goes to Nineveh

Jonah – Chapter 1: Jonah Flees From the Lord

Today we start the book of Jonah. Buckle in people, because it is about to be quite the ride!

“The word of the Lord came to Jonah son of Amittai: ‘Go to the great city of Nineveh and preach against it, because its wickedness has come up before me.’ But Jonah ran away from the Lord and headed for Tarshish. He went down to Joppa, where he found a ship bound for that port. After paying the fare, he went aboard and sailed for Tarshish to flee from the Lord.” – Jonah 1:1-3

If you know the temper tantrum the Lord throws on a regular basis, you’d flee him too!

Then the Lord sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.” – Jonah 1:4

God has the ability to convince Jonah through every imaginable method, but chooses violence. That tells you all you need to know about this god.

“‘Pick me up and throw me into the sea,’ he replied, ‘and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.’” – Jonah 1:12

Jonah, don’t blame yourself. It is not your fault. God caused this storm.

“Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” – 1 Jonah 1:17

I mean, it’s not any crazier than a talking snake and a talking donkey, am I right? 🙂

The book of Jonah begins with God getting pissed at Jonah, forcing him to be thrown overboard and eaten by a fish in which he survives for three days! ROFL!

Coming Soon: Jonah – Chapter 2: Jonah’s Prayer

Introduction to Jonah

In following the chronological guide to the Bible I’m using, we next move to the book of Jonah. This is a short book, consisting of only four chapters. The book details the story of Jonah, a man who God gives a mission. Jonah, however, does not want this mission (as if God cares what Jonah’s wishes are) and tries to flee. In fleeing, he gets swallowed by a whale and survives for several days.

Yes, you read that right. Jonah lives inside a whale’s belly for several days and survives. The book is filled with many verses I could, and have in some cases, used for Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday. So get ready for a four chapter ride over the next several posts as we take a look at the life of a man who lived inside a whale…and lived! LOL!

Jonah 2:10

If you think it’s possible for humans to live inside a fish, you won’t find this verse crazy. But if you are a normal human being who knows this is bullshit, you’ll find today’s verse quite crazy!

“And the Lord commanded the fish, and it vomited Jonah onto dry land.” – Jonah 2:10

Seriously Christians? Seriously?

Jonah 1:17

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and it doesn’t get any crazier than the Bible saying a person can live inside a live fish for three days.

“Now the Lord provided a huge fish to swallow Jonah, and Jonah was in the belly of the fish three days and three nights.” – Jonah 1:17

Yes, you read that right.  Jonah lived inside a fish for three days and three nights.  If you believe snakes and donkeys can talk, it’s not that far fetched to believe people can live inside fish for multiple days.  Personally I prefer to live in a world of reality and living inside of a fish is bullshit.