Judges 1:7

Today’s crazy Bible verse comes from the book of Judges and is very odd, to say the least.

“Then Adoni-Bezek said, ‘Seventy kings with their thumbs and big toes cut off have picked up scraps under my table. Now God has paid me back for what I did to them.’” – Judges 1:7

Um…okay.  WTF!?!?!  Picture this in your head.  Underneath the table (must be a very large table!!!) are seventy kings with no thumbs and no big toes.  And if that’s not enough crazy, they are eating scraps up off the floor underneath the table.

Why?  Why is this even in the Bible?  This right here is why reading the Bible from start to finish is the quickest way to go from theist to atheist.

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Judges 19:29

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and I’m once again pulling from the book of Judges, although this time not from the story of Samson.  This verse comes a few chapters after the death of Samson.

“When he reached home, he took a knife and cut up his concubine, limb by limb, into twelve parts and sent them into all the areas of Israel.” – Judges 19:29

What…the…fuck?!?!?!  Chop up a concubine into twelve pieces and send them to twelve different areas of Israel?  There’s nothing else to say it other than this is just plain crazy!  Yikes!!!  There is no amount of context that makes this any less crazy!

Judges 16:17

For the fourth week in a row I’m pulling a verse from the story of Samson for Tuesday’s Crazy Bible Verse.  That’s how crazy the story of Samson is!  It warrants four, possibly more, weeks of crazy Bible verses to it.

“So he told her everything. ‘No razor has ever been used on my head’ he said, ‘because I have been a Nazirite dedicated to God from my mother’s womb. If my head were shaved, my strength would leave me, and I would become as weak as any other man.’” – Judges 16:17

There are a couple of crazy things to discuss here.  First of all, Samson’s strength is defined by his hair?  Are you kidding me?  What a load of anti-science!!!  Cutting someone’s hair makes them physically weak?  Ugh.

Second, let’s say for a second this is true and Samson truly does lose his strength when he loses his hair.  Why the hell then does he share this with Delilah.  The verses before this clearly show Delilah is going to run straight away to the people and reveal Samson’s secret.  He knows this!!!  Yet tells her anyway and ends up dead as a result.  Sigh.

Don’t blame Samson, however.  He’s only as smart as the supposed god that created him.

Recap of Judges

I’m finished discussing each chapter of Judges.  Phew!  Wow was that a HORRIBLE chapter.  The basic theme of Judges was that of judges leading the Israelites.  Whenever there is a judge, the Israelites experience good times.  When there isn’t a judge, the Israelites experience bad times.  Even when there are judges the Israelites do horrible things under the guidance of God.  Thousands and thousands of people were killed for unjustified reasons.  Women were raped and killed.  Thousands of women and children were killed.  Cities were burned to the ground.

Then there’s the story of Samson which is freaking ridiculous.  Samson forces a woman to marry him and later has her raped and killed under the authority of God.  Samson does some crazy shit with lions and foxes, including digging out a beehive in the carcass of a lion he tore apart.  Yes, that is a real story in the Bible!  And then Samson falls because his second wife cuts his hair.  Yes, somehow we are supposed to believe God gave Samson strength through his hair.

Unbelievable!  But you know how it goes.  God works in mysterious ways.  Or the mortal men writing the Bible hate women and were super high off some type of crazy ass weed!  You choose.  🙂

Judges 15:4-5

For the third week in a row I’ve chosen a verse from the story of Samson for Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday.  There are so many to choose from in this story!

“So he went out and caught three hundred foxes and tied them tail to tail in pairs. He then fastened a torch to every pair of tails, lit the torches and let the foxes loose in the standing grain of the Philistines. He burned up the shocks and standing grain, together with the vineyards and olive groves.” – Judges 15:4-5

Yes, you read that right.  Instead of using a torch of some kind to burn down the fields, Samson ties three hundred fox tails together in 150 pairs, lights the foxes on fire, and lets them run through the fields.  Uh…  Starting a fire is relatively easy.  Killing 300 foxes to do it is fucking insane.  But hey, it’s the story of Samson and this is one of the least insane events in the story!

Judges – Chapter 21: Wives for the Benjamites

It’s the last chapter of Judges, arguably one of the most disgusting chapters in the Bible.  So much death.  So much rape.  So much ridiculousness.

“How can we provide wives for those who are left, since we have taken an oath by the Lord not to give them any of our daughters in marriage?” – Judges 21:7

This is the concern after killing thousands?  Finding wives?  For fuck’s sake.

“So the assembly sent twelve thousand fighting men with instructions to go to Jabesh Gilead and put to the sword those living there, including the women and children.” – Judges 21:10

Oh for crying out loud.  More killing of women and children?  And people still worship this god today?

“They found among the people living in Jabesh Gilead four hundred young women who had never slept with a man, and they took them to the camp at Shiloh in Canaan.” – Judges 21:12

Ah yes, the biblical value of forcing marriage on virgins and raping them.

“So the Benjamites returned at that time and were given the women of Jabesh Gilead who had been spared. But there were not enough for all of them.” – Judges 21:14

Sorry we killed thousands of you.  Please take this peace offering of virgin women you can rape.

“When the young women of Shiloh come out to join in the dancing, rush from the vineyards and each of you seize one of them to be your wife.” – Judges 21:21

The story gets worse!!!

“In those days Israel had no king; everyone did as they saw fit.” – Judges 21:25

No, not true.  God commanded the Israelites to kill the Benjamites.  God was the king of the Israelites and led them.

Thankfully Judges is over.  So disgusting.  Unbelievable that Christians can read this story and think, yeah, God loves me.

Coming Soon:  Ruth – Chapter 1:  Naomi Loses Her Husband and Sons

Judges – Chapter 20: The Israelites Punish the Benjamites

Judges 19 was an extremely disgusting and bizarre chapter.  How bizarre?  It ended with a concubine being raped, cut into 12 pieces, and shipped across Israel.  That’s how bizarre!  Judges 20 continues this story.

“Then the Israelites said, ‘Tell us how this awful thing happened.’” – Judges 20:3

Okay, the Israelites are serious now and about to determine exactly what happened.

“So the Levite, the husband of the murdered woman, said, ‘I and my concubine came to Gibeah in Benjamin to spend the night. During the night the men of Gibeah came after me and surrounded the house, intending to kill me. They raped my concubine, and she died. I took my concubine, cut her into pieces and sent one piece to each region of Israel’s inheritance, because they committed this lewd and outrageous act in Israel.’” – Judges 20:4-6

You offered her up to be raped you asshole.  You did nothing to prevent the rape!!!  In fact, the people wanted to rape the man in the house, but you offered your concubine instead!

“Then, when the army arrives at Gibeah in Benjamin, it can give them what they deserve for this outrageous act done in Israel. So all the Israelites got together and united as one against the city.” – Judges 20:10

This isn’t justice!  The Israelites are accomplices for choosing this woman to be raped and offering her up to the townspeople!

“The Israelites went up to Bethel and inquired of God. They said, ‘Who of us is to go up first to fight against the Benjamites?’ The Lord replied, ‘Judah shall go first.’” – Judges 20:18

Finally God speaks up, but to encourage war instead of stopping it.  The victim here is the concubine, and the rapist is both the people of Benjamin and the Israelites.  They are both guilty of this rape.  One group for committing the rape, the other for offering the woman up to be raped.

“The Benjamites came out of Gibeah and cut down twenty-two thousand Israelites on the battlefield that day.” – Judges 20:21

God caused the deaths of 22,000 people on day one of the battle.

“This time, when the Benjamites came out from Gibeah to oppose them, they cut down another eighteen thousand Israelites, all of them armed with swords.” – Judges 20:24

God kills 18,000 people on day two of the battle.

“The Lord defeated Benjamin before Israel, and on that day the Israelites struck down 25,100 Benjamites, all armed with swords.” – Judges 20:35

God kills over 25,000 people on the third day.  If God was with the Israelites and wanted them to win, why did he kill 40,000 of them in the first two days?  My opinion?  Bloodlust.

“Eighteen thousand Benjamites fell, all of them valiant fighters.” – Judges 20:44

God kills another 18,000 people.

“As they turned and fled toward the wilderness to the rock of Rimmon, the Israelites cut down five thousand men along the roads. They kept pressing after the Benjamites as far as Gidom and struck down two thousand more.” – Judges 20:45

God kills another 7,000 people.

“The men of Israel went back to Benjamin and put all the towns to the sword, including the animals and everything else they found. All the towns they came across they set on fire.” – Judges 20:48

God kills more people but we aren’t told the numbers.  How many innocent people died in this story?  How many women, children, and babies?  All at the hands of God.

Another disgusting chapter in Judges.  God has thousands of men killed in battle and then has all the towns of the Benjamites destroyed and burned to the ground.  How many women, children, and babies are killed?  We don’t know, but surely thousands.  And why?  Because God allowed a concubine to be raped.  God could have stopped this by punishing the rapist and the men who allowed the rape to happen.  Instead he had thousands killed.  God is sick and disgusting.

Coming Soon:  Judges – Chapter 21:  Wives for the Benjamites