Matthew 8:3

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today it’s time to talk about the impossible happening.

“Jesus reached out his hand and touched the man. ‘I am willing,’ he said. ‘Be clean!’ Immediately he was cleansed of his leprosy.” – Matthew 8:3

This is similar to the talking snake, talking donkey, burning bush, etc.  Things that are absolutely impossible.  No, I don’t care how much ‘faith’ you have, no one cured leprosy by a simple touch.  It’s not medical science.  It’s a story and a poor one at that.  If your religion requires you to believe the Bible without questioning, you need to find a new religion.  Better yet, leave religion altogether!  At the very least however, don’t listen to your church on this.  Think for yourself.  Do you really think a snake spoke?  Do you really think a sea parted to both sides?  Do you really think a leper was cured by the touch of Jesus?  Or is there a much more plausible explanation?

There’s a reason why churches tell their flocks to simply have faith.  Having faith is easy.  It requires no thinking.  Questioning and following the evidence is hard, especially when it contradicts your pre-conceived notions.  I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather live a life of questioning and learning than a life in which I simply have faith Jesus cured a leper by touch.

Matthew 7:7-8

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday!!!  Jesus states very clearly that your prayers will be answered.  All you need to do is simply ask.

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.  For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” – Matthew 7:7-8

That would be awesome…if it worked.  We, even Christians, know that you don’t always get what you ask for.  In fact, you often don’t get what you ask for.  Oh, but God works in mysterious ways.  Oh, but he answered your prayer, just not in the way you expected.  Oh, but he only gives you what you truly need.  Oh, but you must not have prayed hard enough or been truly devoted in your prayer.
There’s always some reason Christians give to explain why their prayers were not answered.  Yes, I know you prayed for a job promotion, but instead of a job promotion, God answered your prayer by giving your child bone cancer.  It may seem horrible, but he’s really helping you.  Your child’s bone cancer will give you the perseverance and determination needed to earn that job promotion.  WHAT…THE…FUCK!?!?!

How many people, every day, pray for the simple survival of themselves or their loved ones?  How many of those people die or see their loved one’s die of whatever they were praying to God to have stopped?  Did they not pray hard enough?  If you believe that you are truly a disgusting human being.

Let me be blunt.  Your prayers are not being answered by a god.  If your prayers are answered you are the one who answered those prayers.  You are the one who worked hard to earn that job promotion.  Your doctors are the ones who worked hard to save your life.  God did jack shit because he doesn’t exist.  If he does exist, he’s one hell of a dick for ignoring the prayers of those fighting for their very survival.

Matthew 8:12

Through scripture I’ve shown several times how Jesus and the New Testament are just as awful as the craziness in the Old Testament, which, by the way, Jesus follows (see Matthew 5:17).  Here’s another New Testament verse that shows Jesus is not the nice guy Christians make him to be.

“But the subjects of the kingdom will be thrown outside, into the darkness, where there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” – Matthew 8:12

Not exactly a nice thing to do.  It’s even worse if you read the King James Version.

“But the children of the kingdom shall be cast out into outer darkness: there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” – Matthew 8:12 (KJV)

Children!  The children will be cast out into outer darkness!  Children who are innocent.  Babies who are innocent.  Just as the evil god of the Old Testament punishes innocent children, the evil Jesus of the New Testament does the same.  Now that’s some crazy stuff to worship!

Matthew 5:19

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday!!!  We know there is a ton of crazy in the Old Testament.  That’s undeniable and Christians who have read the Bible will, often, acknowledge this crazy exists.  Unfortunately, they follow this up with the argument that “well, that’s the Old Testament.  It doesn’t apply today as Jesus came down to Earth and changed those old laws.”  Um, no he didn’t!

“Therefore anyone who sets aside one of the least of these commands and teaches others accordingly will be called least in the kingdom of heaven, but whoever practices and teaches these commands will be called great in the kingdom of heaven.” – Matthew 5:19

This is Jesus speaking and he makes it very clear that ALL commands must be followed.  Break the very least of these commands and you will be called the least in the kingdom of heaven.  It’s clear that Jesus expects you to follow the rules.  Those commands are NOT just the ten commandments Christians often say.  They include ALL of God’s commands.  Read Matthew 5:17, two verses before this verse.

“Do not think that I have come to abolish the Law or the Prophets; I have not come to abolish them but to fulfill them.” – Matthew 5:17

This is Jesus speaking again and it is very clear from his words that he did not come to abolish any laws but to fulfill them.  All those crazy laws in the Old Testament?  Yep, Jesus demands they be followed and that, my friends, is a big load of crazy!

Matthew 19:9

Tuesdays are great because each Tuesday is a brand new Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday.  Today’s verse comes from the New Testament and directly from the mouth of Jesus.  It’s a mix of sex and misogyny and words today that are ignored by most Christians!

“I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” – Matthew 19:9

A man cannot divorce a woman for any reason except sexual immorality.  In other words, a marriage can be dissolved if a woman sleeps around.  But what if a man does the same?  Jesus says nothing on this.  Apparently, it’s okay for men to sleep around.  The verse also discusses nothing about consent.  What if husband and wife agree to this?  Is it wrong?  In my opinion no.  Per the Bible, however, only God can give consent and he often does when he wants to kill you.  🙂

Moreover, most Christians don’t follow the words of Jesus spoken in this verse.  Many Christians (and non-Christians to be fair) are divorced.  Many of those divorces have nothing to do with infidelity.  Yet the Bible demands those people to remain in unhappy marriages.  Great for family values, right?  You must remain unhappy!  There are many pastors/preachers/priests who are divorced and re-married.  And those who are not divorced often don’t care that others are divorced and re-married.  That is a good thing.  It shows society is much more moral than God/Jesus.  On the other hand, it’s hypocritical for Christians to demand we follow some verses, but not others.

Matthew 11:20-24

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday!!!  Jesus is a wonderful guy filled with nothing but love, right?  WRONG!  Today’s verses show us Jesus is just as crazy as himself/father/spirit in the Old Testament.

“Then Jesus began to denounce the towns in which most of his miracles had been performed, because they did not repent. ‘Woe to you, Chorazin! Woe to you, Bethsaida! For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Tyre and Sidon, they would have repented long ago in sackcloth and ashes.  But I tell you, it will be more bearable for Tyre and Sidon on the day of judgment than for you.  And you, Capernaum, will you be lifted to the heavens? No, you will go down to Hades. For if the miracles that were performed in you had been performed in Sodom, it would have remained to this day.  But I tell you that it will be more bearable for Sodom on the day of judgment than for you.’” – Matthew 11:20-24

We all know what happened to Sodom and Jesus promises that what will happen to these towns will be worse.  There are several problems with this argument.  First, there’s no way not a single person in any of these towns decided to follow and believe in Jesus.  The entire town said no?  Sorry, not buying it.  Second, maybe your speech wasn’t very good!  Maybe, just maybe, the problem isn’t the people, but the all-knowing messenger!!!

So because Jesus sucks at public speaking everyone in the town will go to hell, including the children and babies!  Everyone will go to hell!  So much for love and forgiveness from Jesus.

Matthew 8:21-22

The New Testament is not the nice loving story too many Christians make it out to be.  Jesus says some very cruel things and is not all that different from the jealous Old Testament God.  Take Matthew 8:21-22 for example.

“Another disciple said to him, ‘Lord, first let me go and bury my father.’ But Jesus told him, “Follow me, and let the dead bury their own dead.’” – Matthew 8:21-22

The intended message here is that following Jesus is more important than anything else in your life.  This is a horrible message.  If God is truly loving, he’ll allow you time to grieve your loss.  Only an asshole God does what this God (Jesus) of the New Testament demands.  The New Testament tells you to screw your family as they are far less important than following Jesus.  How are you supposed to love if you have to screw your family over?  It makes no sense at all and is another crazy set of verses in the Bible.