Numbers 22:28-30

Last week on Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday we took a look at a talking snake in the Bible.  This week we’re going to take a look at a talking donkey.

“Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, ‘What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?’ Balaam answered the donkey, ‘You have made a fool of me! If only I had a sword in my hand, I would kill you right now.’ The donkey said to Balaam, ‘Am I not your own donkey, which you have always ridden, to this day? Have I been in the habit of doing this to you?’” – Numbers 22:28-30

Let me be blunt.  Donkeys do not talk.  They can’t talk.  It is physically impossible for them to form words and speak.  On top of that, Balaam doesn’t seem phased at all when the donkey talks.  I don’t know about you, but if I was confronted with a talking donkey, I’d be speechless.

So what does this all mean?  It means this did not happen in the bible.  Donkeys do not talk.  If, to believe the god of the bible, you must believe that donkeys can talk, then you have chosen to live a life void of reality, logic, and reason.  I feel sorry for you.  You’ve been brainwashed and I hope that one day you’ll be able to overcome this.  Even when I considered myself a Christian, I never believed in talking snakes and donkeys.  It is simply absurd!

A Recap of Numbers

In the last blog post I finished up the book of Numbers.  Numbers started with several chapters on the numbers of people in specific tribes.  Later we learned the names of the leaders of the tribes as well as more numbers through a census.  The book of Numbers was not, however, limited to chapters on numbers.  There was a great deal of bloodbath in which God commanded Moses and the Israelites to slaughters the non-Israelites they encountered.  What did these slaughtered tribes do to deserve this?  Nothing, other than being in the way of the Israelites travel path to the promised land.

That’s not the end.  In addition to numbers and slaughter, Numbers was filled with misogyny.  The married women (and whores as the Bible would call them) were slaughtered, but the virgins and children (both male and females) were raped and captured as slaves.  Not to be outdone by Himself, God orders that the Israelite women can only marry within their father’s tribe.  In other words the women are only allowed to marry their cousins, because this is apparently the only solution God can come up with regarding inheritances.

To put it simply, a typical Bible chapter.  🙂

Numbers – Chapter 36: Inheritance of Zelophehad’s Daughters

I love it when a Bible chapter title refers to a female because you know, just know, that it is going to be filled with misogyny!  Why is it, again, women, and men who care about women, follow the Christian bible?  Let’s dig in and see what we find.

“They said, ‘When the Lord commanded my lord to give the land as an inheritance to the Israelites by lot, he ordered you to give the inheritance of our brother Zelophehad to his daughters. Now suppose they marry men from other Israelite tribes; then their inheritance will be taken from our ancestral inheritance and added to that of the tribe they marry into. And so part of the inheritance allotted to us will be taken away.’” – Numbers 36:2-3

OMG!!!  How could those women possibly marry someone of their own choosing?!?!?!  The travesty!!!

“This is what the Lord commands for Zelophehad’s daughters: They may marry anyone they please as long as they marry within their father’s tribal clan.” – Numbers 36:6

Wow!  That’s one big contradiction.  They can marry anyone they please, but only from the tiny fraction of men within their father’s tribal clan.  How generous of God.

“Zelophehad’s daughters—Mahlah, Tirzah, Hoglah, Milkah and Noah—married their cousins on their father’s side.” – Numbers 36:11

So instead of figuring out how to deal with inheritances in a rational manner, God requires women to marry their cousins.  Biblical morality at its finest!

That’s it for Numbers 36.  A short chapter designed to make sure women know their place in society.  Their place is to keep quiet and let the men make the decisions.  Oh, and marry their cousins.  I think more pastors should discuss cousin marriage in their sermons!

That concludes the book of Numbers!  It started off with some numbers and ended with forcing women to marry their cousins.  Yep, makes perfect sense.  LOL!

Coming Soon:  Deuteronomy – Chapter 1:  The Command to Leave Horeb 

Numbers – Chapter 35: Towns for the Levites

Now that the boundaries for the land of Canaan have been set, Numbers 35 fills us in on the towns for the Levites and cities of refuge.

“On the plains of Moab by the Jordan across from Jericho, the Lord said to Moses, ‘Command the Israelites to give the Levites towns to live in from the inheritance the Israelites will possess. And give them pasturelands around the towns. Then they will have towns to live in and pasturelands for the cattle they own and all their other animals.’” – Numbers 35:1-3

See, God does have a heart!  LOL!

“Six of the towns you give the Levites will be cities of refuge, to which a person who has killed someone may flee.” – Numbers 35:6

WTF?  People who commit murder get their own town to live in!?!?!?

“They will be places of refuge from the avenger, so that anyone accused of murder may not die before they stand trial before the assembly.” – Numbers 35:13

Okay, that makes a little more sense.  However, murderers get trials, as they should, but do something God considers sexually immoral and you are punished without a trial.  Not exactly fair or just.

“If anyone strikes someone a fatal blow with an iron object, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death. Or if anyone is holding a stone and strikes someone a fatal blow with it, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death. Or if anyone is holding a wooden object and strikes someone a fatal blow with it, that person is a murderer; the murderer is to be put to death.” – Numbers 35:16-18

Very specific.  Does this mean all of the Israelites commanded to slaughter others should be put to death?  Does this mean God, as the commander of the Israelites, should be put to death?

“But if without enmity someone suddenly pushes another or throws something at them unintentionally or, without seeing them, drops on them a stone heavy enough to kill them, and they die, then since that other person was not an enemy and no harm was intended, the assembly must judge between the accused and the avenger of blood according to these regulations. The assembly must protect the one accused of murder from the avenger of blood and send the accused back to the city of refuge to which they fled. The accused must stay there until the death of the high priest, who was anointed with the holy oil.” – Numbers 35:22-25

Okay, this makes sense.  Maybe not the exact punishment but the fact that the punishment is less severe for unintentional murder.  This is similar to manslaughter in society today.

“Anyone who kills a person is to be put to death as a murderer only on the testimony of witnesses. But no one is to be put to death on the testimony of only one witness.” – Numbers 35:30

Again, agreed, assuming there is lack of other evidence.  Eyewitness testimony alone is shaky at best.

“Do not pollute the land where you are. Bloodshed pollutes the land, and atonement cannot be made for the land on which blood has been shed, except by the blood of the one who shed it. Do not defile the land where you live and where I dwell, for I, the Lord, dwell among the Israelites.” – Numbers 35:33-34

God is conveniently forgetting the slaughter He just ordered a few chapters ago.

To conclude Numbers 35, it was filled with several rules on murder, some of which make sense and others not so much.  All in all this was a milder chapter of the Bible compared to others.

Coming Soon:  Numbers – Chapter 36:  Inheritance of Zelophehad’s Daughters

Numbers – Chapter 34: Boundaries of Canaan

We’re closing in on the end of the book of Numbers but there are still a couple of chapters to go.  Let’s see what Numbers 34 has in store for us.

“The Lord said to Moses, ‘Command the Israelites and say to them: ‘When you enter Canaan, the land that will be allotted to you as an inheritance is to have these boundaries:’’” – Numbers 34:1-2

What about the people who already live there?  If the previous chapters are any indication, they will be slaughtered and/or raped.

The rest of the chapter describes the exact boundaries of Canaan and who the leaders of the Israeli tribes will be.

That’s it.  There’s really nothing else to report in this chapter.  The Israelites, although not Moses, are about to enter the promised land.  God could have given them a promised land through peaceful methods.  He is after all God.  Instead, God chooses the deadliest, bloodiest method possible.  Why?  Because He loves you.

Coming Soon:  Numbers – Chapter 35:  Towns for the Levites

Numbers – Chapter 33: Stages in Israel’s Journey

God is making it clear that He loves Him so good old slaughtering of innocents as evident in Numbers 31 and 32.  Surely He will apologize in Numbers 33, right?  Right?!?!

“Here are the stages in the journey of the Israelites when they came out of Egypt by divisions under the leadership of Moses and Aaron.” – Numbers 33:1

Hmmm….I guess the last two chapters were a bit intense and now it’s time to ease things up a bit lest anyone think that the God of the Bible is, oh, I don’t know…CRAZY!!!

“The Israelites set out from Rameses on the fifteenth day of the first month, the day after the Passover. They marched out defiantly in full view of all the Egyptians, who were burying all their firstborn, whom the Lord had struck down among them; for the Lord had brought judgment on their gods.” – Numbers 33:3-4

This chapter conveniently leaves out the fact that God hardened the hearts of the Egyptians many times, forcing them to do evil upon the Israelites.

“Aaron was a hundred and twenty-three years old when he died on Mount Hor.” – Numbers 33:39

Closer to God’s covenant with Noah in Genesis 6, but not quite.  Once again God breaks His own rule of humans living no more than 120 years.

“On the plains of Moab by the Jordan across from Jericho the Lord said to Moses, ‘Speak to the Israelites and say to them: ‘When you cross the Jordan into Canaan, drive out all the inhabitants of the land before you. Destroy all their carved images and their cast idols, and demolish all their high places. Take possession of the land and settle in it, for I have given you the land to possess.’” – Numbers 33:50-53

Woohoo!  More slaughtering of innocents!  God is truly great!!!

“But if you do not drive out the inhabitants of the land, those you allow to remain will become barbs in your eyes and thorns in your sides. They will give you trouble in the land where you will live. And then I will do to you what I plan to do to them.” – Numbers 33:55-56

Just in case the Israelites are thinking of showing compassion, God makes it clear that they will be slaughtered should they disobey God’s command to slaughter these innocents.

That concludes Numbers 33.  Not as much slaughter and rape as the previous two chapters, but it does end with another command from God to slaughter an innocent group of people who are simply in the way.  There should be an 11th command stating “Thou shall slaughter and rape whenever I sayeth to slaughter and rape.”  Fuck you God.

Coming Soon:  Numbers – Chapter 34:  Boundaries of Canaan

Numbers – Chapter 32: The Transjordan Tribes

In our last look into Numbers (Chapter 31), God ordered the Israelites to slaughter another tribe.  In addition to the mass killing of all male adults and non-virgin females, 32,000 virgins and male children were captured and raped.  You may barf now.  Will God apologize in Numbers 32?  Don’t hold your breath because you will pass out first.

“Moses said to the Gadites and Reubenites, ‘Should your fellow Israelites go to war while you sit here? Why do you discourage the Israelites from crossing over into the land the Lord has given them?’” – Numbers 32:6-7

Maybe the Gadites and Reubenites want to live a peaceful life?  And is it really war when you are slaughtering everyone to death and/or raping the virgins?  Moses tells a story of the previous generation that disobeyed God in a similar way.

“The Lord’s anger was aroused that day and he swore this oath: ‘Because they have not followed me wholeheartedly, not one of those who were twenty years old or more when they came up out of Egypt will see the land I promised on oath to Abraham, Isaac and Jacob—not one except Caleb son of Jephunneh the Kenizzite and Joshua son of Nun, for they followed the Lord wholeheartedly.’ The Lord’s anger burned against Israel and he made them wander in the wilderness forty years, until the whole generation of those who had done evil in his sight was gone.” – Numbers 32:10-13

The moral of this story?  Obey God in His command to slaughter innocent people or He will slaughter you.

“And here you are, a brood of sinners, standing in the place of your fathers and making the Lord even more angry with Israel.” – Numbers 32:14

I’m sorry, but who’s the sinner?  The people looking for peace or the God commanding the slaughter of innocents?  The men asking for peace agree to go to war as long as their women are allowed to stay behind.

“The Gadites and Reubenites answered, ‘Your servants will do what the Lord has said. We will cross over before the Lord into Canaan armed, but the property we inherit will be on this side of the Jordan.’” – Numbers 32:31-32

These people did what they were supposed to do and Moses gave them the requested land.  In other words, no, God did not apologize for the mass slaughter in the previous chapter.  In fact, God buckles down.  The act of asking for peace is a sin in the eyes of God!  He was set to punish those who didn’t continue on with his commanded slaughter of innocents.  Yep, lots of good morals to live one’s life by here.

Coming Soon:  Numbers – Chapter 33: Stages in Israel’s Journey

Numbers – Chapter 31: Vengeance on the Midianites

After trashing women for a bit, the Bible, in Numbers 31, goes back to the killing of people who are not Israelites.

“The Lord said to Moses, ‘Take vengeance on the Midianites for the Israelites. After that, you will be gathered to your people.’” – Numbers 31:1-2

Why?  Because.

“They fought against Midian, as the Lord commanded Moses, and killed every man.” – Numbers 31:7


“The Israelites captured the Midianite women and children and took all the Midianite herds, flocks and goods as plunder.” – Numbers 31:9

I’m sure the Israelites, under the command of God, will treat these women and children with respect.  Yeah, right.

“Moses was angry with the officers of the army—the commanders of thousands and commanders of hundreds—who returned from the battle.” – Numbers 31:14

Okay, Moses is coming to his senses and is upset at this senseless slaughter.  That must be it.

“’Have you allowed all the women to live?’ he asked them.  ‘They were the ones who followed Balaam’s advice and enticed the Israelites to be unfaithful to the Lord in the Peor incident, so that a plague struck the Lord’s people. Now kill all the boys. And kill every woman who has slept with a man, but save for yourselves every girl who has never slept with a man.’” – Numbers 31:15-18

OMFG!!!  Moses is mad because too much mercy is showm!  Now the slutty whores are to be murdered along with the male children.  Only the virgins are to be ‘saved’ and by saved I mean raped.  Biblical morals.

“The Lord said to Moses, ‘You and Eleazar the priest and the family heads of the community are to count all the people and animals that were captured. Divide the spoils equally between the soldiers who took part in the battle and the rest of the community.’” – Numbers 31:25:27

In case you thought Moses was acting against God’s wishes in the slaughter, you are wrong.  The above verses make it clear that God supports this and even gives rules on who the spoils should be divided.  FUCK YOU GOD!!!

“The plunder remaining from the spoils that the soldiers took was 675,000 sheep, 72,000 cattle, 61,000 donkeys and 32,000 women who had never slept with a man.” – Numbers 31:32-35

Disgusting.  There were 32,000 women ‘saved’, cough, cough, raped!  All in the name of God!

This chapter is fucking disgusting!  God commands Moses to slaughter another tribe of people and then rape 32,000 women after killing all of the male children.  If Christians would read their so-called holy book word for word, many would turn away from Christianity.  You can’t apologize away rape commanded by the word of God.  Disgusting.

Coming Soon:  Psalms – Chapter 90:  A prayer of Moses the man of God

Numbers – Chapter 30: Vows

The last two chapters in Numbers were quite boring.  They were nothing more than a list of rules on what to sacrifice and when.  That changes in Numbers 30.  The topic switches from sacrificing animals to rules for women.  Yes, the Bible has more to say on women and let’s just say there’s a bit of misogyny coming up.  🙂

“When a young woman still living in her father’s household makes a vow to the Lord or obligates herself by a pledge and her father hears about her vow or pledge but says nothing to her, then all her vows and every pledge by which she obligated herself will stand. But if her father forbids her when he hears about it, none of her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand; the Lord will release her because her father has forbidden her.” – Numbers 30:3-5

I’d rather see no one make a pledge to the Lord, but the Bible states that a woman’s pledge to the Lord is only valid if her father agrees.  Isn’t this placing the father, a mortal man, over the Lord?  The Bible is saying that a father’s views are more important than the Lord’s views.  And the woman?  Her opinion is worthless and need not be considered.  Biblical morals in action.

“If she marries after she makes a vow or after her lips utter a rash promise by which she obligates herself and her husband hears about it but says nothing to her, then her vows or the pledges by which she obligated herself will stand. But if her husband forbids her when he hears about it, he nullifies the vow that obligates her or the rash promise by which she obligates herself, and the Lord will release her.” – Numbers 30:6-8

The father only loses this power when the woman marries.   Then the power transfers to the husband.  The woman has no decision in the matter.  If her father or husband disagrees with her vow to the Lord, the Lord stops listening.

“These are the regulations the Lord gave Moses concerning relationships between a man and his wife, and between a father and his young daughter still living at home.” – Numbers 30:16

Fuck you God.

How any woman can worship this Lord is beyond me.  Read the Bible!  It is horrible to women!  These are the words of God!!!  God puts all women under the control of men.  The opinions and ideas of a women are worthless according to God.  Disgusting.

Coming Soon:  Numbers – Chapter 31:  Vengeance on the Midianites

Numbers – Chapter 30: Vows

There’s an interesting theme in the Bible.  Whenever the Bible gets serious for a chapter or two, it then switches topics and becomes sort of blah with a bunch of silly rules that mean nothing.  For example, in Numbers 27 we learned Moses is soon to die and the chapter ended in a cliffhanger.  Numbers 28 and 29 say nothing on Moses upcoming death and instead focus on a bunch of rules related to what one should sacrifice, how the sacrifice should be made, and when the sacrifice should be made.  Numbers 29 is a continuation of Numbers 28 on this.

“On the first day of the seventh month hold a sacred assembly and do no regular work. It is a day for you to sound the trumpets.” – Numbers 29:1

Doing work when God says not to is punishable by death.  What happens if someone doesn’t blow the trumpets?  Or is “sound the trumpets” an innuendo for something else?  🙂

I won’t bore you with the rest of the chapter.  It is nothing but a list of rules on what to sacrifice and when.  That’s it.  God cares FAR more on offerings to Him than He does on things like rape and murder.  If I were to live my life based on the morals of the Bible, I would stop everything I’m doing, run out to a farm, slaughter a ram, run home with it carried on my back, and burn it for God.  Fortunately my morals do not come from the Bible.

Coming Soon:  Numbers – Chapter 30:  Vows