Proverbs 5:19

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday!  The Bible has quite a bit to say on sex, most of it completely ridiculous.  That includes today’s verse from the book of Proverbs.  Proverbs 5 is a warning against adultery and contains this verse:

“A loving doe, a graceful deer-may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” – Proverbs 5:19

First, if this verse refers to an actual deer, that’s fucking weird.  Second, assuming it refers to a woman, why focus on the breasts?  May her breasts satisfy you always?  What about her mind?  What about her sense of humor?  What about the fact she’s a fucking human being and not just a pair of boobs?!?!

Once again, horrible advice from the Bible, but maybe this really is a verse about deer boobs?!?!  😊

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Proverbs 23:26-28

For this week’s Crazy Bible Verse I went looking for misogyny.  It wasn’t hard to find as 30 seconds later I had a verse I haven’t discussed yet and I’ve discussed MANY misogynistic verses.  This one is from the book of Proverbs.

“My son, give me your heart and let your eyes delight in my ways, for an adulterous woman is a deep pit, and a wayward wife is a narrow well. Like a bandit she lies in wait and multiplies the unfaithful among men.” – Proverbs 23:26-28

Damn the women.  Men would remain righteous and faithful to the Lord if only women weren’t there to force them into evil ways!  Men would remain innocent if women didn’t trick them into immorality.  LOL!  Yes, the evils of men are blamed on women in the Bible.  That should tell you all there is to know about morality in the Bible.  Men = good.  Women = evil.  Disgusting.  How any woman or any man who cares about women can believe in what the Bible says is beyond me.  It is anything but moral.

Proverbs 30:17

The last three crazy Bible verse Tuesdays have dealt with talking animals (two donkeys (okay, really one donkey discussed in the OT and again in NT) and one snake).  Today I switch topics from talking animals to killing children.

“The eye that mocks a father, that scorns an aged mother, will be pecked out by the ravens of the valley, will be eaten by the vultures.” – Proverbs 30:17

The Christian apologist will say that the Bible is not really telling us to kill children who mock and/or disobey their parents.  The apologist will say this is a metaphor to stress the importance of honoring mothers and fathers.  Maybe this is true IF this were the only verse in the Bible suggesting children should be killed for disobeying their parents.  Unfortunately there are MANY verses in the Bible commanding the death of children.  This is one of them.  I’m not sure what’s better, death by stoning death or death by vultures?  Hmmmm.

Proverbs 13:24

I have no doubt that parenting is tough.  Raising a child is most certainly a very difficult task, possibly the most difficult task an adult can take on.  Fortunately the Bible has just the advice that all parents need!

“Whoever spares the rod hates their children, but the one who loves their children is careful to discipline them.” – Proverbs 13:24

No parent intends to or wants to hate their children.  Therefore, all parents must be very careful to NOT spare the rod!!!  In other words, it is biblically moral of you to beat your child.  Discipline, through a good beating, means that you love your children!

I know, I know.  You’re probably thinking that makes no sense at all, but it’s in the Bible!!!  Therefore it is the absolute truth.  All those parents out there not beating their children very clearly hate their children.  Let’s take a moment to pray for all the unbeaten children is this world for they must live every single day knowing their parents hate them!!!  You can’t make this stuff up!  It’s in the Bible!  Just open it up and begin reading!