Song of Songs 5:4

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and here’s a good one!

“My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening; my heart began to pound for him.” – Song of Songs 5:4

Thrust is hand through the latch-opening? Um….vaginal fisting? Anal fisting? 🙂

I’m sticking with this same verse next week for another goodie! So tune in next week.

Song of Songs 1:13

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today I’m sticking with some Bible porn found in the Song of Songs.

“My beloved is to me a sachet of myrrh resting between my breasts.” – Song of Songs 1:13

Lay your head down between her breasts before getting started with the hot stuff. LOL!

Song of Songs 2:6

It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and I think I’ll stay within the book of Song of Songs for awhile. There’s so much good stuff in this book, particularly when Christianity is so prudish on sex.

“His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.” – Song of Songs 2:6

Now, what is meant by embrace? I’m taking it as he either has his right arm/hand cupping her breasts, or he’s fingering her. 🙂 It’s all in the Bible folks. 🙂

Song of Songs 2:16

If you need some biblical erotica, look no further than the book of Song of Songs. It’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday and today I pull a verse from this book.

“My beloved is mine and I am his; he browses among the lilies.” – Song of Songs 2:16

Browses among the lilies? Taking a look at the rest of this book, this is code for “his head was buried between my legs and his tongue was doing wonders!”

LOL! Christians are so prudish on sex, but there’s a whole book of erotica in the Bible!

Song of Songs – Chapter 8: Untitled

Today we have the last chapter in the Song of Songs.  Our education to sex is about to end, so hopefully you’ll have learned everything you need to know about sex by the end of this chapter.

“If only you were to me like a brother, who was nursed at my mother’s breasts!” – Song of Songs 8:1

This is a very weird thing to say when talking to your lover about sex.  Here’s some real advice.  Don’t say this!!!

“Then, if I found you outside, I would kiss you, and no one would despise me.” – Song of Songs 8:1

You’re going to kiss your brother?  Um???

“I would lead you and bring you to my mother’s house—she who has taught me.  I would give you spiced wine to drink, the nectar of my pomegranates.” – Song of Songs 8:2

And now you’re going to have sex with your brother?

“Under the apple tree I roused you; there your mother conceived you, there she who was in labor gave you birth.” – Song of Songs 8:5

No…being arousing in the same spot your mother had sex doesn’t put your partner in the mood.

“We have a little sister, and her breasts are not yet grow?  What shall we do for our sister on the day she is spoken for?” – Song of Songs 8:8

This is so wrong.  This is talk of what to do with a prepubescent child!  Biblical morals?  Dear Christians, please read the fucking book you worship.  It’s an awful book full of death, destruction, rape, and child rape.

“I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers.” – Song of Songs 8:10

Last chapter the breasts were like gazelle and grapes.  Now they are like towers.

“Come away, my beloved, and be like a gazelle, or like a young stag on the spice-laden mountains.” – Song of Songs 8:14

And thus ends the book of Song of Songs.  Did you learn everything you wanted to know about sex?  How about pickup lines?  There were some great pickup lines in this book, right?  Obviously the answer to these questions is no.  This book explains very little about sex.  In fact, much of the book focuses on incestual relationships, comparison of breasts to animals and fruits, and a bit about child rape.  Christians, please read the book you worship.  You might interested to know that it is not a book of morals.  You are far more moral than this book written by men to control the masses.

Coming Soon:  Proverbs – Chapter 1:  Purpose and Theme

Song of Songs – Chapter 7: Untitled

Today we have Song of Songs 7.  This is the second to last chapter in this book which is all about sex between a man and a woman.

“Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle.” – Song of Songs 7:3

Um…okay.  I guess this is better than the comparison to goats we read about in previous chapters in this book.

“Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.” – Song of Songs 7:7

Now the breasts are compared to clusters of fruit.  First gazelle and now fruit.  Interesting comparison switch in just four verses.

“May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,” – Song of Songs 7:8

Not just any fruit, but the breasts are like clusters of grapes!

“May the wine go straight to my beloved, flowing gently over lips and teeth.” – Song of Songs 7:9

Yes, drink the wine to loosen up so you are more likely to be seduced.  To be clear, this is the woman saying this to the man.

“Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love.” – Song of Songs 7:12

As we learned in the last chapters, the vines and pomegranates mentioned in this verse are references to the human body.

Yep…more sex references.  In this chapter parts of the human body are compared to animals and fruits.  Not the best pickup lines in the world.  Use them at your own risk!!!

Coming Soon:  Song of Songs – Chapter 8:  Untitled