Song of Songs – Chapter 8: Untitled

Today we have the last chapter in the Song of Songs.  Our education to sex is about to end, so hopefully you’ll have learned everything you need to know about sex by the end of this chapter.

“If only you were to me like a brother, who was nursed at my mother’s breasts!” – Song of Songs 8:1

This is a very weird thing to say when talking to your lover about sex.  Here’s some real advice.  Don’t say this!!!

“Then, if I found you outside, I would kiss you, and no one would despise me.” – Song of Songs 8:1

You’re going to kiss your brother?  Um???

“I would lead you and bring you to my mother’s house—she who has taught me.  I would give you spiced wine to drink, the nectar of my pomegranates.” – Song of Songs 8:2

And now you’re going to have sex with your brother?

“Under the apple tree I roused you; there your mother conceived you, there she who was in labor gave you birth.” – Song of Songs 8:5

No…being arousing in the same spot your mother had sex doesn’t put your partner in the mood.

“We have a little sister, and her breasts are not yet grow?  What shall we do for our sister on the day she is spoken for?” – Song of Songs 8:8

This is so wrong.  This is talk of what to do with a prepubescent child!  Biblical morals?  Dear Christians, please read the fucking book you worship.  It’s an awful book full of death, destruction, rape, and child rape.

“I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers.” – Song of Songs 8:10

Last chapter the breasts were like gazelle and grapes.  Now they are like towers.

“Come away, my beloved, and be like a gazelle, or like a young stag on the spice-laden mountains.” – Song of Songs 8:14

And thus ends the book of Song of Songs.  Did you learn everything you wanted to know about sex?  How about pickup lines?  There were some great pickup lines in this book, right?  Obviously the answer to these questions is no.  This book explains very little about sex.  In fact, much of the book focuses on incestual relationships, comparison of breasts to animals and fruits, and a bit about child rape.  Christians, please read the book you worship.  You might interested to know that it is not a book of morals.  You are far more moral than this book written by men to control the masses.

Coming Soon:  Proverbs – Chapter 1:  Purpose and Theme

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Song of Songs – Chapter 7: Untitled

Today we have Song of Songs 7.  This is the second to last chapter in this book which is all about sex between a man and a woman.

“Your breasts are like two fawns, like twin fawns of a gazelle.” – Song of Songs 7:3

Um…okay.  I guess this is better than the comparison to goats we read about in previous chapters in this book.

“Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.” – Song of Songs 7:7

Now the breasts are compared to clusters of fruit.  First gazelle and now fruit.  Interesting comparison switch in just four verses.

“May your breasts be like clusters of grapes on the vine,” – Song of Songs 7:8

Not just any fruit, but the breasts are like clusters of grapes!

“May the wine go straight to my beloved, flowing gently over lips and teeth.” – Song of Songs 7:9

Yes, drink the wine to loosen up so you are more likely to be seduced.  To be clear, this is the woman saying this to the man.

“Let us go early to the vineyards to see if the vines have budded, if their blossoms have opened, and if the pomegranates are in bloom—there I will give you my love.” – Song of Songs 7:12

As we learned in the last chapters, the vines and pomegranates mentioned in this verse are references to the human body.

Yep…more sex references.  In this chapter parts of the human body are compared to animals and fruits.  Not the best pickup lines in the world.  Use them at your own risk!!!

Coming Soon:  Song of Songs – Chapter 8:  Untitled

Song of Songs – Chapter 6: Untitled

This book of erotic fiction continues today with chapter 6.  Lots of kinky sex so far, so let’s see what sexual ‘wisdom’ the Bible has in store for us today.

“My beloved has gone down to his garden,” – Song of Songs 6:2

We learned in a previous chapter that ‘garden’ does not really mean a garden.  I think he’s gone for some alone time to pleasure himself.  😊

“Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from Gilead.” – Song of Songs 6:5

I still don’t get the comparisons to goats.  Is this really flattery?

“Your teeth are like a flock of sheep coming up from the washing.  Each has its twin, not one of them is missing.” – Song of Songs 6:6

Hey baby…you’ve got all your teeth!  Nice pickup line, I guess?  I realize times are different and dental hygiene doesn’t exist as it does today, but for an all-knowing god you’d think he’d tell the authors to use a more reasonable pickup line.

“I went down to the grove of nut trees to look at the new growth in the valley to see if the vines had budded or the pomegranates were in bloom.” – Song of Songs 6:11

Based on previous verses in this chapter, this is code for looking upon the naked body for appropriate beauty.  Whatever appropriate means to this god.

Take what you will from this chapter.  Pleasuring oneself, goats as flattery, full set of teeth, and comparing the naked body to pomegranates and vines.

Coming Soon:  Song of Songs – Chapter 7:  Untitled

Song of Songs – Chapter 5: Untitled

Song of Songs just might be my favorite book in the Bible.  I’m not sure it has a verse that tops Ezekiel 23:20, but I’m really enjoying Song of Songs which is rare for any book in the Bible.

“I have come into my garden, my sister, my bride;” – Song of Songs 5:1

You came in your sister?  Um.

“I have drunk my wine and my milk.” – Song of Songs 5:1

To each their own.  I’m not going to kink shame.

“My head is drenched with dew, my hair with the dampness of the night.” – Song of Songs 5:2

Yeah, ‘dew’ means something else in this verse.

“I have taken off my robe—must I put it on again?” – Song of Songs 5:3

You’re still wearing a robe?  After all that has happened in this book thus far?

“My beloved thrust his hand through the latch-opening;” – Song of Songs 5:4

Again…no kink shaming.  Some people like fisting.

“I arose to open for my beloved, and my hands dripped with myrrh,” – Song of Songs 5:5

Pure erotic fiction at this point.

“I opened for my beloved, but my beloved had left; he was gone.” – Song of Songs 5:6

Dude.  That is not how you take care of a woman!

“My beloved is radiant and ruddy,” – Song of Songs 5:10

Ruddy means to have a red color.  Your beloved has a sunburn.  Stay in the shade!

LOL!  What an interesting chapter!  Erotic fiction at its biblical finest.  LOL!

Coming Soon:  Song of Songs – Chapter 6:  Untitled

Song of Songs – Chapter 4: Untitled

In our last look in the Song of Songs we saw the two lovers going to the woman’s parent’s bedroom.  Um….okay.  Whatever excites you I guess.  Let’s see what wonderful things we learn in this chapter.

“Your hair is like a flock of goats descending from the hills of Gilead.” – Song of Songs 4:1

I’m not sure that comparing someone’s hair to a flock of goats is a good pickup line.

“Your teeth are like a flock of sheep just shorn, coming up from the washing.” – Song of Songs 4:2

You have sheep teeth, but wanna have sex?  I doubt that’s going to work!

“Your neck is like the tower of David, built with courses of stone, on it hang a thousand shields, all of them shields of warriors.” – Song of Songs 4:4

Okay, this is just a weird description of someone’s neck.

“You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride;” – Song of Songs 4:9

Wait, you married your sister?  Um.

“Your lips drop sweetness as the honeycomb, my bride; milk and honey are under your tongue.” – Song of Songs 4:11

Is it really milk under the tongue or is it something else taking on the color of milk?  Hmmm.

“Blow on my garden, that its fragrance may spread everywhere.” – Song of Songs 4:16

Yeah, she’s not talking about an actual garden.  LOL!

Another interesting chapter in the Song of Songs.  Some really, really weird pickup lines that I can’t imagine having any chance of working.  But since the man marries his sister in this chapter, maybe.

Coming Soon:  Song of Songs – Chapter 5:  Untitled

Song of Songs – Chapter 3: Untitled

Our journey through the lands of biblical sex continues today with chapter 3 in Song of Songs.

“All night long on my bed I looked for the one my heart loves; I looked for him but did not find him.” – Song of Songs 3:1

Given you are in bed and this is a book about sex, maybe, just maybe, the one you love is, um, behind you?  LOL!

“I held him and would not let him go till I had brought him to my mother’s house, to the room of the one who conceived me.” – Song of Songs 3:4

You found your lover and the first place you take him is your mom and dad’s bedroom?  Um.

Next Solomon comes rolling into town and all the women of the town are called out to look at him.  Hmmm…I guess we’ll just have to wait for the next chapter to see what happens next.

Coming Soon:  Song of Songs – Chapter 4:  Untitled

Song of Songs – Chapter 2: Untitled

We’ve started the book of Song of Songs which is a biblical guide to sex.  Let’s see what ‘knowledge’ chapter 2 will impart on us.

“I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste.” – Song of Songs 2:3

His ‘fruit’ is sweet to your taste?  Hmmm…..LOL!

Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love.” – Song of Songs 2:4

Sex in the banquet hall.  Kinky!

“Strengthen me with raisins…” – Song of Songs 2:5

Raisins, eh?

An interesting start to this chapter.  I’m ending things here as the rest of the chapter compares the woman to a dove and the man to a stag running through the field.  The interesting stuff ended with the raisins.  LOL!

Coming Soon:  Song of Songs – Chapter 3:  Untitled