Today we have the last chapter in the Song of Songs. Our education to sex is about to end, so hopefully you’ll have learned everything you need to know about sex by the end of this chapter.
“If only you were to me like a brother, who was nursed at my mother’s breasts!” – Song of Songs 8:1
This is a very weird thing to say when talking to your lover about sex. Here’s some real advice. Don’t say this!!!
“Then, if I found you outside, I would kiss you, and no one would despise me.” – Song of Songs 8:1
You’re going to kiss your brother? Um???
“I would lead you and bring you to my mother’s house—she who has taught me. I would give you spiced wine to drink, the nectar of my pomegranates.” – Song of Songs 8:2
And now you’re going to have sex with your brother?
“Under the apple tree I roused you; there your mother conceived you, there she who was in labor gave you birth.” – Song of Songs 8:5
No…being arousing in the same spot your mother had sex doesn’t put your partner in the mood.
“We have a little sister, and her breasts are not yet grow? What shall we do for our sister on the day she is spoken for?” – Song of Songs 8:8
This is so wrong. This is talk of what to do with a prepubescent child! Biblical morals? Dear Christians, please read the fucking book you worship. It’s an awful book full of death, destruction, rape, and child rape.
“I am a wall, and my breasts are like towers.” – Song of Songs 8:10
Last chapter the breasts were like gazelle and grapes. Now they are like towers.
“Come away, my beloved, and be like a gazelle, or like a young stag on the spice-laden mountains.” – Song of Songs 8:14
And thus ends the book of Song of Songs. Did you learn everything you wanted to know about sex? How about pickup lines? There were some great pickup lines in this book, right? Obviously the answer to these questions is no. This book explains very little about sex. In fact, much of the book focuses on incestual relationships, comparison of breasts to animals and fruits, and a bit about child rape. Christians, please read the book you worship. You might interested to know that it is not a book of morals. You are far more moral than this book written by men to control the masses.
Coming Soon: Proverbs – Chapter 1: Purpose and Theme