1 Kings – Chapter 14: Ahijah’s Prophecy Against Jeroboam

We know that the current king of Israel is in trouble for creating golden idols for the people to worship, but thus far God has done nothing to stop him.

“Now Ahijah could not see; his sight was gone because of his age.  But the Lord had told Ahijah, ‘Jeroboam’s wife is coming to ask you about her son, for he is ill, and you are to give her such and such an answer. When she arrives, she will pretend to be someone else.”” – 1 Kings 14:4-5

Yes, I’m sure a supposed all-knowing god is going to use the term ‘such and such’. For fuck’s sake.

So when Ahijah heard the sound of her footsteps at the door, he said, ‘Come in, wife of Jeroboam. Why this pretense? I have been sent to you with bad news. Go, tell Jeroboam that this is what the Lord, the God of Israel, says: I raised you up from among the people and appointed you ruler over my people Israel. I tore the kingdom away from the house of David and gave it to you, but you have not been like my servant David, who kept my commands and followed me with all his heart, doing only what was right in my eyes.  You have done more evil than all who lived before you. You have made for yourself other gods, idols made of metal; you have aroused my anger and turned your back on me. Because of this, I am going to bring disaster on the house of Jeroboam. I will cut off from Jeroboam every last male in Israel—slave or free I will burn up the house of Jeroboam as one burns dung, until it is all gone. Dogs will eat those belonging to Jeroboam who die in the city, and the birds will feed on those who die in the country. The Lordhas spoken! As for you, go back home. When you set foot in your city, the boy will die.  All Israel will mourn for him and bury him. He is the only one belonging to Jeroboam who will be buried, because he is the only one in the house of Jeroboam in whom the Lord, the God of Israel, has found anything good.’” – 1 Kings 14:6-13

OMG there is so much to unpack here. First, God makes it clear he tore the kingdom away from the people of David even though David did everything right. I’m not sure what’s worse, that David, for all the evil he did, is considered righteous by God, or the fact that God still tore away the kingdom despite God thinking what David did was right.

Second, God is going to burn everyone’s house, not just the house of the one who committed the crime, Jeroboam. God is having dogs eat other dogs. Once again, God punishes those who had nothing to do with the crime!

“He will uproot Israel from this good land that he gave to their ancestors and scatter them beyond the Euphrates River, because they aroused the Lord’s anger by making Asherah poles.” – 1 Kings 14:15

As a further unjust punishment, God is taking away the land of the Israelites who are at no fault in this.

“Then Jeroboam’s wife got up and left and went to Tirzah. As soon as she stepped over the threshold of the house, the boy died.” – 1 Kings 14:16

Way to teach the boy who did nothing wrong a lesson, God. God is a fucking idiot and deserves to rot in the hell Christians invented.

“The other events of Jeroboam’s reign, his wars and how he ruled, are written in the book of the annals of the kings of Israel. He reigned for twenty-two years and then rested with his ancestors. And Nadab his son succeeded him as king.” – 1 Kings 14:19-20

I’m sorry…WTF is this shit??? God goes all ape shit crazy and Jeroboam still rules for 22 fucking years? And his son succeeded him as king? Is God really this stupid? Or rather is it the men who made up God really this stupid?

“Judah did evil in the eyes of the Lord. By the sins they committed they stirred up his jealous anger more than those who were before them had done.” – 1 Kings 14:22

Seriously? After all that has happened in the Bible and as pissed as God gets, the people of Judah caused more jealous anger than anyone before?

“There was continual warfare between Rehoboam and Jeroboam.  And Rehoboam rested with his ancestors and was buried with them in the City of David. His mother’s name was Naamah; she was an Ammonite. And Abijah his son succeeded him as king.” – 1 Kings 14:30-31

Yep, God is so pissed at the rulers that he punishes the people but allows the rulers to continue to reign. JFC. God is such a fucking idiot.

How to sum up this chapter? God is dumb, stupid, idiotic, and that says a lot of a make believe, man made deity.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles – Chapter 10: Israel Rebels Against Rehoboam

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1 Kings – Chapter 13: The Man of God From Judah

In the last chapter of 1 Kings we learned one king was supplanted by another king who introduced golden calf idols. Will this chapter bring God’s response?

“By the word of the Lord a man of God came from Judah to Bethel,as Jeroboam was standing by the altar to make an offering. By the word of the Lord he cried out against the altar: ‘Altar, altar! This is what the Lord says: ‘A son named Josiah will be born to the house of David. On you he will sacrifice the priests of the high places who make offerings here, and human bones will be burned on you.’’” – 1 Kings 13:1-2

This is what we today call a mentally disturbed person in need of help.

“When King Jeroboam heard what the man of God cried out against the altar at Bethel, he stretched out his hand from the altar and said, “Seize him!” But the hand he stretched out toward the man shriveled up, so that he could not pull it back.” – 1 Kings 13:4

Bullshit. Didn’t happen. Arms don’t just shrivel up.

“Also, the altar was split apart and its ashes poured out according to the sign given by the man of God by the word of the Lord.” – 1 Kings 13:5

This could have happened. It’s called an earthquake, or maybe a volcanic eruption.

“So the man of God interceded with the Lord, and the king’s hand was restored and became as it was before.” – 1 Kings 13:6

Bullshit. Didn’t happen. Shriveled arms don’t suddenly become un-shriveled a few minutes later.

“I have been told by the word of the Lord: ‘You must not eat bread or drink water there or return by the way you came.’” – 1 Kings 13:17

More evidence of God’s insane rules. This is supposedly a man of God but God refuses to let the man of God eat or drink. No drink? That’s a death sentence.

“The old prophet answered, ‘I too am a prophet, as you are. And an angel said to me by the word of the Lord: ‘Bring him back with you to your house so that he may eat bread and drink water.’ (But he was lying to him.)  So the man of God returned with him and ate and drank in his house.” – 1 Kings 13:18-19

Of course this was a lie but when you starve a man he will resort to natural instinct and that instinct is to eat and drink to survive.

“He cried out to the man of God who had come from Judah, ‘This is what the Lord says: ‘You have defied the word of the Lord and have not kept the command the Lord your God gave you.  You came back and ate bread and drank water in the place where he told you not to eat or drink. Therefore your body will not be buried in the tomb of your ancestors.’”” – 1 Kings 13:21-22

Um…okay. LOL! God is so stupid.

“As he went on his way, a lion met him on the road and killed him, and his body was left lying on the road, with both the donkey and the lion standing beside it.” – 1 Kings 13:24

Bullshit. This story would be more believable if the lion killed the donkey too.

“Even after this, Jeroboam did not change his evil ways, but once more appointed priests for the high places from all sorts of people. Anyone who wanted to become a priest he consecrated for the high places. This was the sin of the house of Jeroboam that led to its downfall and to its destruction from the face of the earth.” – 1 Kings 13:33-34

Interesting. The end of this chapter implies God will put an end to Jeroboam’s evil ways, but he doesn’t yet, allowing the people to suffer. But what are Jeroboam’s evil ways in the eyes of God. It’s not being evil to his people, it’s the golden idols. God is far more worried about golden idols than the safety and security of the people.

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 14: Ahijah’s Prophecy Against Jeroboam

1 Kings – Chapter 12: Israel Rebels Against Rehoboam

We continue bouncing around in 1 Kings and 2 Chronicles, moving back to 1 Kings today. Solomon is dead and we move on to the next Israelite king.

“So they sent for Jeroboam, and he and the whole assembly of Israel went to Rehoboam and said to him: Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but now lighten the harsh labor and the heavy yoke he put on us, and we will serve you.’” – 1 Kings 12:3-4

A reasonable request given Solomon was the richest person ever and didn’t share, causing the people to live in poverty.

“The young men who had grown up with him replied, ‘These people have said to you, ‘Your father put a heavy yoke on us, but make our yoke lighter.’ Now tell them, ‘My little finger is thicker than my father’s waist. My father laid on you a heavy yoke; I will make it even heavier. My father scourged you with whips; I will scourge you with scorpions.’’” – 1 Kings 12:10-11

Well, this is one way to respond, if your intention is to be a horrible leader.

“So the king did not listen to the people, for this turn of events was from the Lord, to fulfill the word the Lord had spoken to Jeroboam son of Nebat through Ahijahthe Shilonite.” – 1 Kings 12:15

Ah, using God’s evil as justification to be evil in turn to the people. Biblical morals.

“King Rehoboam sent out Adoniram, who was in charge of forced labor, but all Israel stoned him to death.” – 1 Kings 12:18

You just told the people you wanted them to live even shittier lives than they were living before. What did you expect?

“So Israel has been in rebellion against the house of David to this day.” – 1 Kings 12:19

Wait…to this day? This is why there is still unrest in the Middle East? Because of some jackass king supported by God thousands of years ago? Give me a fucking break.

“This is what the Lord says: Do not go up to fight against your brothers, the Israelites. Go home, every one of you, for this is my doing.” – 1 Kings 12:24

Confirming all this trouble is God’s doing. What a jackass.

“After seeking advice, the king made two golden calves.” – 1 Kings 12:28

Uh oh. Nothing pisses of God more than a golden idol. Rape and murder are okay, but an idol made from gold? Fuck that shit!

And that ends this chapter. There are a few more verses on festivals on worshipping these idols. God’s going to be pissed!

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 13: The Man of God From Judah

Revelation 22:21

For this week’s Crazy Bible Verse Tuesday I’ve chosen the very last verse in the Bible.

“The grace of the Lord Jesus be with God’s people. Amen” – Revelation 22:21

The Bible could have ended with something meaningful like treating everyone, including those who are different from you, with the utmost respect. It could have said something very specific like don’t kill or don’t rape. But it didn’t. It ended by saying God is always with you. But is he really? Is he there when children are abused by their parents? Is he there when priests rape young children? Is he there when men rape and sexually assault women? Is he there when men are getting raped (yes, it does happen)? Is he there when natural disasters kill thousands every year? Is he there when children across the world starve to death? Is he there when members of the LGBTQ community are brutally beaten to death? Is he there during those random acts of violence that take place everyday?

No, he isn’t. It’s not a question of is he there. It’s a question of, if he exists, why isn’t he there? Or maybe he just doesn’t exist.

2 Chronicles 9: The Queen of Sheba Visits Solomon

2 Chronicles 9 is a near copy of 1 Kings 10, with the Queen of Sheba paying Solomon a visit.

“When the queen of Sheba heard of Solomon’s fame, she came to Jerusalem to test him with hard questions.” – 2 Chronicles 9:1

Yes, I’m sure these were hard questions. Probably on par with the ‘hard’ questions Fox News asks Republican politicians.

“Solomon answered all her questions; nothing was too hard for him to explain to her.” – 2 Chronicles 9:3

And I guess we’ll never know how hard these questions were.

“King Solomon was greater in riches and wisdom than all the other kings of the earth.” – 2 Chronicles 9:22

I’ve skipped several verses but all literally describe how rich Solomon is. That’s it. Solomon is rich, rich, rich, rich.

“Solomon reigned in Jerusalem over all Israel forty years.” – 2 Chronicles 9:30

Forty years in which God approves of the rich getting richer and the men having multiple wives. A book of morals? BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 12: Israel Rebels Against Rehoboam

1 Kings – Chapter 11: Solomon’s Wives

Given the title of this chapter, this ought to be a good one. The wise Solomon who God loves and spends much time in the Bible discussing, has multiple wives? Oh, this should be good!

“King Solomon, however, loved many foreign women besides Pharaoh’s daughter—Moabites, Ammonites, Edomites, Sidonians and Hittites.” – 1 Kings 11:1

Not only did Solomon love other women, he loved foreigners! What is okay for Solomon to do is not okay for you to do in the eyes of God.

“He had seven hundred wives of royal birth and three hundred concubines, and his wives led him astray.” – 1 Kings 11:3

Jesus fucking christ. And the Bible is a book of morals. ROFL!!!

“As Solomon grew old, his wives turned his heart after other gods, and his heart was not fully devoted to the Lord his God, as the heart of David his father had been.” – 1 Kings 11:4

Oh sure…blame it on the women.

“So Solomon did evil in the eyes of the Lord; he did not follow the Lord completely, as David his father had done.” – 1 Kings 11:6

Notice how it is not the many wives and concubines that upset God. It’s the worshiping of other gods. What a petty, stupid god.

“So the Lord said to Solomon, ‘Since this is your attitude and you have not kept my covenant and my decrees, which I commanded you, I will most certainly tear the kingdom away from you and give it to one of your subordinates.’” – 1 Kings 11:12

And how many innocent people will God kill because he’s pissed at Solomon?

“Nevertheless, for the sake of David your father, I will not do it during your lifetime. I will tear it out of the hand of your son.” – 1 Kings 11:13

Holy fuck! God’s not even going to do this to Solomon. He’s going to do this to the son. Jesus fucking christ. The next several chapters focus on random people God is raising up against Solomon to attack Solomon’s son. God, the wimp, punishes others instead of the guilty.

“Solomon reigned in Jerusalem over all Israel forty years.” – 1 Kings 11:42

And thus ends the reign of Solomon, another horrible story in the Bible, a book that is supposed to be a book of morals, according to Christianity.

Coming Soon: 2 Chronicles 9: The Queen of Sheba Visits Solomon

1 Kings – Chapter 10: The Queen of Sheba Visits Solomon

After digging through the book of Ecclesiastes, we return to 1 Kings. The chapter starts with the story of the Queen of Shea coming to Solomon and asking him questions about his kingdom.

“King Solomon gave the queen of Sheba all she desired and asked for, besides what he had given her out of his royal bounty. Then she left and returned with her retinue to her own country.” – 1 Kings 10:13

And this ends the visit of Sheba to Solomon.

“The weight of the gold that Solomon received yearly was 666 talents…” 1 Kings 10:14

The Bible spends more time discussing Solomon’s riches than it does ending slavery.

“Twelve lions stood on the six steps, one at either end of each step. Nothing like it had ever been made for any other kingdom.” – 1 Kings 10:20

Yes, we get it. This is a great, rich kingdom, but tell us more how slavery is immoral please.

“Solomon accumulated chariots and horses; he had fourteen hundred chariots and twelve thousand horses, which he kept in the chariot cities and also with him in Jerusalem.” – 1 Kings 10:26

Yes, that is a lot of horses, but what about rape? Is raping women wrong or is it still okay if you marry the woman after?

This chapter entirely focuses on Solomon’s riches. The number of Bible chapters discussing how rich God’s favorites are far exceed the number of chapters teaching us how to be moral people.

Coming Soon: 1 Kings – Chapter 11: Solomon’s Wives